I somehow feel the need to apologize.
Still.
After all this time.
You sang like I was made of the earth and the wind
The lovely things.
And when I said those three words for the first time
And you repeated them...
My heart stopped and my soul flew.
I was ready to give up my freedom and my future for you...
Then you say we're growing apart,
You tell him that you never loved me, don't like girls, dated me out of pity
And I cried for five hours straight while my heart broke and my mind screamed
'I told you I'm not a girl.'
Labor day isn't the same even all these years later.
I still have to tell myself it's not my fault.

You were on fawns legs,
The who am I what I am where do I fit that comes with adolescence
And you spoke me fair from the moment we met.
I was so happy to finally have someone who saw me for me.
I told you so soon
'I'm not a girl, I know it's hard to understand but...'
And you say you don't care, nothing changes, I see stars in your eyes
And I'm so happy to hold your hand in the hallway,
No matter who stares.
I should expect the backtracking. The fear.
Your parents, who knows what they'd do.
And you break it off quietly.
Saying you don't think you really like girls.
I am still not a girl.
We don't really talk now. I just find it hard to feel anything but tired when I'm near you.

Then you. You are a girl made of startuff.
Your heart among the planets and constellations.
I call you starshine and eventually
I hope. I ask. I confess.
I admit I planned my life with you.
Big city apartment, stargazing far away from life,
Leaving small town made of quicksand for higher hills and brighter skies.
And you were the only one who ever called me by my name.
Called me a boy.
Gave me anything that felt real.
And I know it hurt you to hurt me.
I gave you my heart and you treated it as tenderly as you could have.
I don't fault you for that. I don't fault you for anything.
No matter what you make me feel real
And I always have loved the stars.

The best feeling

is when I see you smile.

When I peak over a book

there is nothing better

than you returning my look.

The Myth of the Cave

I took everything you gave me
In my dark cave.
I decorated the musky stones,
Covered the holes
In the windows.
Your left hand and the scar in your palm,
The green-brownish eyes and
The stare of aged wisdom,
The what-not’s of the daily trip,
Etcetera…
These make for fake facades
To throw my throbbing
Sins in shadow.

The ice was cracking under my feet.
The ice was crackling under my feet.
This morning it wasn’t even that cold.
The sun rose earlier
At the train station the sky
Shone velvety purple.
The brisk air reminded me
Of the siberian cold
In your eyes
While your heart is burning.

Breaking, crumbling, thundering,
Smashing
Shattering the ground
Below me.
I fall
endlessly
You listen for the sound of my body
Passionately
Embracing the pavement
In silence
I entered your world
In my sleep
In silence
I will go back
to sleep.

I saw an old friend today.
She'd aged 30 years
in the few she'd been away.

Her former glow is all but gone,
No spark behind her green eyes.
Little more than skin and bone.

Time takes us all for a ride,
And leaves the marks on us
To check our faith and pride

But the woman I saw was not
A victim of time, no,
Her fate has been hand-wrought

My heart is broken, I fought tears
While she stood there
Recounting addiction that had added those years

I saw an old friend today
That time and ****** have taken away.
She says she's clean,
Trying to get her **** together.
Her face is skeletal,
The track-marks got her arms like leather.
But she says she's better.
It's hard, but she's better.
She just needs a break,
And if the world will let her
A chance to come back,
A chance to start over,
She says she's clean again,
She tells me she loves me,
And that last part is the straw
That breaks my emotional back,
And the pain in my chest
Feels like a heart attack
And I hugged her as if
I'd never see her again.
And begged any God that would listen
To prove me wrong.