Would it be totally ludacris
If we could just
Forget ourselves
For just
One
Second....

I'm like a vacuous worm laying in bed
Squirming uncomfortably.
Watching myself impassively rot
from the inside out.
My books are collecting dust of life's are no longer live.
My chairs accumulating clothes of personalities I no longer wear.
I'm holding my unresponsive eyes in my hands, I feel blind, I can't see my wood floors.
It's covered in inscrutable ideas, on blank pages, ripped out of my notebook.
Ink spills but nothing's written
Inspirations, emotions, and feelings are lost somewhere within the air.
But I can't inhale the oxygen they contain.
My eyes try to peer a view of the world
through ***** curtain cracks.
Im tired of staring at the ceiling.
I turn my head left to stare at the chipped painted walls.
Simple words splattered in color crow black of all the humanly advice I've ever heard.
Yet it doesn't resonate inside of me.
I turn my head right to stare at the wall peeling like my thoughts trying to crawl out of my brain.
It's funny,
how vacant this room feels;ghost memories fill the emptiness inside this empty space.
when I have everything I ever wanted to make me feel alive Inside here, or so I thought?
She said
"Where lies the beauty in being buried alive"
And I responded
"I don't belong here anymore"
Struggling to keep myself intact
like my fingernails being bend back till they snap.
As I watch a detritus love deteriorate, in a gradually decomposing disintegrating way, and perish like it never existed in the first place.
Like trying to constantly feed life into the lifeless with any kind of progress.
My teeth are corroding from all the words stuck in my mouth
I fell off my bed, crawling on top of  wordless pages.
Dragging myself across what seems to feel like a hollow abyss, with a floor made out of hands filled with thorns.
Trying to find peace inside the hollow selfishness of my psychotic Self implanted misery.
And through my rebirth of dead departures of selves
I found God in myself....

Glitter falls from pregnant clouds
Giving birth to light amidst midnight
January blooms ice tipped, gorgeous
The face of silver moon on dark landscape

Words mean nothing
If they do not have the power to compel trust.

So when you recount what you said,
You're asking me to trust you twice as much.
First, that what you're telling me is true
Second, that what you told her is the truth,
That both things come from the same, honest place.

And trust,
              Trust came be a very,
                         Very scary thing.



I don't know if I'll always be able to make that jump.

I can only swallow so many pills
until I begin to choke

my life can no longer be dictated around
eight hundred milligrams of motrin
one tablet of carbamazepine
a few muscle relaxers
who’s really counting anymore?

the pain can only get so much worse
before I drop and never get up

this fire in my cheeks, teeth, temples
MRI scan comes up blank
just my blank brain in my tormented body
unexplained agony
unexplained kicking and screaming into the night

friends complain about period cramps
i would trade my pain for ten years of those

can’t eat, tired all the time
this is not depression I suffer from
but side effects from various medications
that enter my body in periods of six
and haunt my bedside table
as if watching me as I sleep

I want to feel better
I want to feel better
I want to feel better.

you're ******* up my chemistry
supposed to be just you and me
i guess it wasn't meant to be

"Hi?"
"How are you?"*


... are the only words left between us.
... and maybe, these words were enough.

your dark eyes are bloodshot
you chapped lips are cold
your thin cheeks are pale
but your smile is still gold

Those nights that your mind fed you lies,
the nights that you acted out thinking that I didn't love you anymore
thinking that I had just stopped..
Every single one of those nights?
I wrote about you,
I still loved you