I don't mean to be rude or blunt,
but ship up or ship out,
and stop acting the **!

JJB

That crazy night you thought you had put to bed
Knowing one day it may raise its ugly head
White and blue but caught wearing red
The less we dwell, the less well said
Secrets are a burden to those who carry
The more well hidden, the heavier the tally
Some crazy affair, your accountant named Sally
Better than that drunken kiss with old boss Barry
As distances need stretching more than at arms length
Best leave on a solomn smell and not a suspect stench
Always the star player, never sat on the bench
Discrepancies need securing, best tightened with a wrench
This place is now making me nervous
Lets leave on a high
Before my secrets,
rise to the surface

JJB

I've never been a fan of a permanent picture tan
as I see them as a mark for life
a girl you once met, love at first sight
a mark on your neck, soon to disappear,
that tacky and ravenous love-bite

Married, three kids, a stupid affair, her name scrolled on your arm
like many a girl, she fell into your world,
all fallen for your devastating charm
But it happens so quick, that stupid thought of the fix,
all for some girl that you met down the pub
now everyday that you shower,
it doesn't matter about how much power,
its a stain that you cannot simply just rub

Styles, well they come and they go,
depending on what year you are born
mates at school , pictures drawn on the wall,
which girls name as your loyalty's are torn

But this was when you was a kid, acting like a ***,
showing off to those all around
now I'd like them removed, a name now a scar, not so smooth,
a hindsight of thoughts now drowned

Tattoo

JJB

A thousand thoughts
I don't know where to begin
Let's simplify this conundrum
Stop
Think
Kettle on
Breathe
A cup of tea
Always the best beginning
Simplicity itself
Tea.
OK,
Lets begin...

JJB

We all know when we are not wanted as it seems that many do,
A jolly up in the town, everyone there but you
Your work mates are friendly but only for the day
Theyve spoke of their home lives and that they think the dog is gay
A bit of what is known as banter wouldn't go a miss
Your mates of old all married now, your still searching for that bliss
Facebook and Twitter can be the final hurrah with pictures of their lives
2 kids and a dog to boot, only way to get them out is a free drink as a bribe
Your best friend and their new found buds, all arms up on that log flume up north
We had days like that at Chessington, 18 and ******, before your kids were spawned
We pretend we live alternative lives, who needs that wholesome charade of a perfection
A City flier, on all the apps, a wit you could not section
You tell the world your happy as, a life now ruled by Tinder
But tell the truth, your home in bed, fish finger sandwich probably from Findus
But it pulls at the heart, those pictures of happiness and a life that you thought was right
I'll get there someday, just ignoring the now, I'll say it again,

Thanks For The Invite

JJB

We all have that friend
Who drives you around the bend
That says that they can have anyone in the bar
But ends up asleep in the back seat of your car
Often a brag to what they have done
And thinks the world revolves around their stories of fun
Whose delicate touch can make some girls quiver
But also their brashness can send them a shiver
For that friend is often a case in the making
Whose head needs turning away from this faking
Now look in the mirror and tell me it's not you
As that friend is a lie so please just be true

JJB

Nobody is ill
Nobody has died
Nobody has spoken of bad

But something is missing

Something just isn't right
Something is wondering tonight
Something is hovering like a kite

In that gut reaction

Pulling at you like traction
Pulling apart those mathematical fractions
Pulling at those grey cells for a little sanction

But there its sat lingering

Just toying and tinkering
Just hanging on out of the sinking
Just leaving you lost and still wondering

That horrible feeling

JJB

Thoughtful, but not always to the last
you were first, please step in front, you were first to the bar
I’m normally nice as I always try,
because yes,
I’m that kinda guy

Sitting in traffic, three back in the queue
the guy opposite then decides to let us through
I maybe behind the leader but a thank you is always nice,
because yes,
I’m that kinda guy

I stand for my rights as I know my wrong from right
decorum and manners cost nothing in a world where we all seem to fight
a tip of the hat and an elegant goodbye
because yes,
I’m that kinda guy

Open that door and hold it for the following
don’t be inconsiderate and act like a *****
being nice doesn’t take much effort if you try,
because yes,
I’m that kinda guy

Now listen, I am not always one hundred percent moral
as we all have the odd thought that can be considered utterly immoral
but take what you will from me under this everchanging sky
because yes,
I’m that kinda guy

JJB

What is made can usually be traced back here
From the car to an independent hops bar,
Serving its very own mind blowing beer
We are seen as a disruption, a small disturbance out on our own at sea
Ruling the world and the oceans years ago, ships crafted and made from the Royal British oak tree
Let our language be spoken at every outpost no matter where we did sail
Not all stories of heroism and splendor as some were deceitful, leaving many worried and plenty frail
Places we did not conquer still stand strong without the British rule
To think we could conquer Ireland, oh such fools
But the British way has set paths for many to follow
Austin Powers, Yanks with English accents through to Sleepy Hollow
From the telephone, the toothbrush onto the television
All used throughout the world and perfected to precision
Hate us for winning two timely World Wars
We'd all be speaking German yah, Zwei plus zwei ist vier!
Music from the 60's set the kids all in a spin
It carried on throughout our time, daft lyrics still make me grin
So don't knock us for having a mind of our own
Whilst people sneer and mock our ways, we always had our very own tone
As it is what we are and I hope it will stay,

That Madly British Way

JJB

Welcome to my life, always stuck on tedium 
Every day, the same consistent grill setting, medium
The same hellos, goodbyes, and the taxman who we'll always be feeding them
Easter will be coming soon, chocolate already on the shelves
Christmas now been and gone, what do Santas helpers now do,
are they still known as elves?
Have a little dance, a little drink, even a swagger to the cheeky girls, (go on then, touch my ***)
Then that hangover tomorrow, carries on like a 3 day ton
Sweat it out, half hour on the x-ray bed, a cheap tan in the fake sun
Now to relax away from your life and let the bath run
As that's just it
Your life
My life
It's just life
All a bit of fun

JJB

Are we just actors in a play by God
Put here for him to play whilst bored on his other job
A game of sorts, with devilish cohorts, just dice for them to throw
Its all just pretend, no script or friend as once seen in the Truman Show

How many are there, moving us around from a place of unknown premise
Black holes dissolve and planets collide, Gods bored with destructive menace
We believe in so many powers but who is the real McCoy
Us just sat here for millions of years, scared of death and what comes next
But we are just their little toys

The Act

JJB

Parallel’s, and I am not talking bars
another life, another planet, Astra or Escort, lets keep away from cars
another me, another you, did they do what you do
we all have a twin in life, yes, one of me or two of you

If there is another realm where we all live the same,
then what’s the point of this one if its all the same game
do they have a million pounds and drive that car of luxury
a house filled with gold or made from wicker and trees

I could be an animal living a life in the dirt
or a bank robber, a backstabber or even a girl
what if a man, a man of degradation and easily disliked
his prey in a bar, looking for the ****, lurking, circling, drink spiked

We could be anything in an alternative life
a being made to ****** or the reincarnation of Christ
you could be put on your planet to heal the world
or to exterminate the rest and watch the nations die and fold

Or you could just be you as what you are now
a million nine til’ fives, clock in, do the job, clock out
we are all not successful entrepreneurs in that other life of thought
do what you do in this life as its down to what you are taught

For you could just be what you are now and it’s a sad thought to bear
or stood in a wood, growing through time without a single care
that handsome, wallowing, ancient sycamore tree, oh yes

The Alternative to Me

JJB

I am a man living in a house made of boxes
some are posh, others are bedraggled, anything to keep away those **** foxes
I started with a base build, long and robust, its where I have my open window above
only a square mind, it couldn’t be too big although it’s what I’d really love

No corridors or an upstairs en-suite
no no no, not in this hovel, now that really would have been a treat
The big names placed accordingly out there on the front entrance
Amazon to Harrods, Waitrose to Marks, leftover Poundland to build my fence

The roof a leftover roll of industrial cellophane wrap
my outdoor toilet just by the tree, a forest en-suite but no basin or tap
cooking can be a pain as a fire really could spread
a front room so small I eat my dinner from my bed

Now don’t let people tell you you're just some smelly old ***** as you are not
it's just a wrong decision I made in life, now this is how I survive and to camp
the boxes build a structure of life that is not always sturdy and stable
but if that’s how my life went, now I’m just bottom of some table

For this is my home
my refuge
my rest
my result

Remember, we all live a different life, just be grateful for what you have

The Box House

JJB

They come, they go, they order what they know
Some dressed in hi-vis, pin stripe,
even those in miniskirts, hi heels with their toes on show
A hard night's graft, taken in from the draft
Five minutes they'll never remember
From the morning rush
Some late without a brush
A breakfast forgotten in the depths of hangover
Old biddies sit and chatter
The price of life now their natter
And their tea now costing a small fortune
But to socialise and talk
To just sit and then a walk
Is the highpoint to some people's day 😉

The Cafe

JJB

Growing up we only had fizzy pop whilst chasing busy bee's
How times have changed from bike shed kissing and climbing trees
When Pac-Man was fun and kirby was free
And dads car seatbelt was just an obscurity
Panini stickers at school were all the rage
Even Spurs were good sung on by Chas and Dave
Mum collecting the Texaco vouchers with just ten more left to save
Your big sister all dolled up and heading for a rave
But times move on and in a cinch weve changed for worse or better
We tut at the simplist of things whilst choosing brie or feta
Labelled as the primest of souls with a tendancy of 'oh just let her'
Sat in the mall with 2 screaming kids and Bernie her Red Setter
Fourteen years old and already knowing a Latte from a Cappacino
I was sat in my room, not a penny to spend, happy with my Beano
How times move on, straight past our eyes, it's just how life goes
A kid on a swing, always pondering things, on how the wind blows
It'll circle again, this life with new friends
To some other wandering kid, always starting a new trend
And off it goes again.....

Life

JJB

No date no time
Just in these arms of mine
Nothing could prepare you
That tea your final brew
No last words
It would have been somethimg absurd
Obviously to just make you laugh
Thundercats on TV with that ginger brat Snarf
A cartoon to throw me back to my youth
Oasis on the wireless with aint that the truth
Those final tears as we cuddle and regretfully cried
A day never to be relived again
The day I died

JJB

In life we need someone to fall back onto
But when those options are gone
With no arms that are strong
We just keep falling
'Till crowd's do mass
To honor our untimely pass
On a Sunday all crowded on the grass
I wasn't ill just sick of it all
There's only so long you can stand so tall
And I'm sorry you were my last phonecall

I still love you though,
As forever,
I now fall
❤

JJB

Stood at the school gate waiting for your child
The parents mostly chatty but the odd one is overly wild
You know whose kid that is as it's probably that horrible little ####
His twin is almost the same, a litter of 2 gobby runts
And as the saying goes, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree
The mother with her roll-up ****, yellow fingertip's, a necessity 
Father on the dole, looking for work, a lie he often pledges 
Smokes cheap baccy, Rizla style, far cry from his Benson and Hedges
Yet they turn up in brand new trainers and all designer clobber
While you struggle day to day and wondered why you even bother
As the world breeds these people daily and I don't mean to be blunt
But they are what they are and to be seen a mile off
They're just a family of ####'s

JJB

Sat, gathering thoughts
Those fish may come
Of which, I am not bothered

Silence, the will of Gods nature
No constant natter
Just the breeze and where it may take you

I'm not here to break any records
Just to escape
A rat race that pays lifes sectors

No WIFI, no buzz in my pocket
To switch life off
Drift away to another place where peace is mindset

My line, it starts to twitch
I smile and let it be one
Its just Gods nature, that made him scratch that itch

Be at one once sat alone
Think on events and where you can go
Then know you are king of life,
just sat by the river, on your throne.

The Fisherman

JJB

They make the rules up,
They break the rules down

The nation looks on with a solemn frown
This from the men whom wear this country's crown

JJB

You can see it,
The groupies, the girls, the finest guacamole
All there for the taking
All made by 4 friends who are really phony's

12 tracks fine tuned to almost perfection
Grown men sobbing, at what they are hearing
Only their God could write a better selection

That speeding intro, the slow down, the pick me up with an ending so delicious you could eat it for breakfast,
The London Symphony Orchestra lending their hand, slow down tiger, those searing strings are gonna get you

For this has always been the dream inside this head of mine
Holding back, maybe tomorrow, another day will be the right time

But a dream is a dream and sometimes they'll never come true
I can't even play an instrument, sat here dreaming on the loo
For all this to me is a page that needs writing,
Not by me, but by someone new

The Greatest Album (Never Recorded)

JJB

One job
One chance
One hit
One love that he would never miss

Money is a currency that can rule the heart
Fluidity an exception from finish to a new start

A mask to cover any emotion once worn
This life I commit to a bond now sworn
Love an attachment to which I am torn
Sometimes I wonder to another life born

Occasionally a glimpse of a face vaguely similar
A heartbeat regretting a love to find familiar

As I retire from a life with times I'd rather forget
Still thinking of her smile, a warmth I now regret

The Hitman and Her

JJB

Back in my teens I'd laugh at anyone for the craic
I didnt see that humour divides and lead down certain tracks
From get goers on The Word to Chris Evan's mate on TFI Friday
Even EuroTrash to Julian Clary's ever so camp and gay,
any humour hit the spot for me.

But life has changed.

Times have changed.

Humour has drastically changed.

This modern selection just finds me searching for more
The list is demographic, edgeless, toothless, even analytical to its core
You can't laugh at that as it may upset someone with less money
Give me Joan River's who didn't give two *****, honey
I miss the ruthlessness of Billy Connely, and that once of Frankie Boyle
Who seems to have quivered into the PC, just sunk into the modern soil

And the crowd that dominate just blend into oblivion
From Romesh Ranganathan to Ross Noble, Alex Brooker to Josh Widdecombe
TV programmes such as Citizen Khan onto the utterly humourless show called Mum
At least Blackadder had us in stitches and was a bit of fun!

Or maybe it's just me and I havent adapted to this modern world
Perhaps I'm stuck in the past and caught in a slightly off centre right wing whirl
Whatever it is I do still love some comics on the circuit that don't tire,
Jimmy Carr to Mickey Flanagan, old clips of Bill Hicks and the always brilliant Michael McIntyre

And my favourites such as Frank Skinner and onto Lee Mack
The others,
please,
somebody give them the sack.

JJB

You are Number One
You don't get hurt
You avoid sharp objects
You keep away from the dangerous
You shy away from the precarious
You do all this because you know
You drive a car most likely a Volvo
You don't fly on planes as they sometimes crash
You keep to the middle lane as motorways can be havoc
You even avoid roundabouts but always give way to the right
You know your times of what trains arriving
You have a set routine as disruption is not part of life's plan
You know people find you boring but that's down to them
You wash the car every Sunday as its recommended in life
You casually converse with your neighbour but secretly hate them
You even as a kid avoided climbing the local tree's because,

Life is a short journey and what is to be is to be,

The Importance of Being Me

JJB

Recently I was told that I need to sell my best aspects
My personal growth, what I can do and that I'm really worth it
Put it on a plate, feed them your brilliance that you’re the right cog for their kit
But I am not that way inclined, I’d rather watch the world go by, as sitting on the wall is where I fit

I don’t mean to be quiet, I have a lot to say but sometimes can be a little shy
Do my words make sense, I’ll just sit on the fence and dream of my bigger fish to fry
But I am told I can make it, don’t just try and fake it, step into this world and be seen
Don’t bottle it up, you have words to be said, all tied down since you was a teen

So where do I start, with these words of mine, in talk or best left written
Do I turn to poetry, or comedy on stage, is this more to chew than I have bitten
What if I’m a failure, looked down upon as a man without a cause
I think this is what has stopped me for years, my life always stuck on pause

There is a word for us that has crept into modern speech, that word being procrastination
I’ll do it tomorrow, never boarding that train, always left wondering at the station
Okay, so maybe that’s too strong a word, I’m a bolder man than an introvert
Just do as you say, step into that pit and stop scratching around in the dirt

For you have ideas, some larger than life
And that one that you always ponder
Roll it out on show, it’s a dead cert
And the world will gasp in wonder

The Introvert

JJB

Think outside the box
What box?
The box with six trapped walls
Where the thoughts bounce back
Where you're thinking its a trap
But these walls are made to be climbed and jumped
Take a step back
Focus
Breathe
Get your head down and seize
Those wonderous dreams you know can prevail
The brain is a tale
From what can make come true
Pirates and bandits
That big fish you can land it
It is all inside and down to you
Imagination is key
For without where'd we be
All chasing tails and running in blind circles
So just think again
Putting paper to pen
Your mind can change the world once unleashed from its cage

JJB

14 years under Tories rule
Cameron to Sunak with Johnson the bumbling fool
But now ruled by the Labour lot,
with waters promised much calmer
Raynor now craps the whip,
With her puppy dog, Sir Kier Starmer
A visit to King Charlie now head of the throne
His head now adorning stamps,
Soon on cash and any bank loan
But his real reason for this trip is to prepare for the King's speech
As we now have a fruitcake in charge with more faces than most,
Gentlemen and Squires, Lords and Ladies,
I give you,
The King's Peach 🍑

JJB

It tells a story, the grip of such men
You can give it a mark from one up to ten
The flaccid none particular of whom you might as well forget
From the strong and sturdy and pleased to meet you, much more of a safe bet
For a hand with five fingers that has no strength will hold up no life long wills
It will crumble and fail at the first sign on danger, never willing to foot the bills
But a rigorous grasp with a smile and heartily clasp is a better hand to follow
Not a weak and wet lettuce, whose hand felt like a cretins, mostly hiding in the shadows
As life can often take us on a path led by utter dimwits
But choose a journey not laid out by those who you just don't seem fit.

JJB

Come on, you’ve had that thought, that where do I fit in life
I have these crazy dreams, I’m not me but watching through somebody else’s eye
You’re on a bridge in Bristol looking over yonder at a place of make believe
It could be anywhere in your mind and then pops up your mate Steve (hi dream Steve, what you are doing here?)

Yes, you dream all sorts of mad cap ideas which even you don’t understand
But somewhere, in that messed up head of yours, is an idea, so impulsive, so magnificent, so world changing and yet so grand
Dig it out, you know you can, its hiding around a corner just waiting to be unleashed
If it escapes, capture it, feed it, calm it and this my friend will help you on your own two feet

You think I’m crazy? Yeah, probably
But you’re only here once, don’t put it off, this is that lost cog
McCartney dreamt up Let it Be and look what happened to him
Multi-millionaire, annoying as hell, married a one-legged ex *******, no sorry, don’t be like him

But they come, flittering and fluttering whilst disappearing in a jiffy
Those thoughts of ideas, you could change the world, just one of them a gimme
The wheel, the thread, the wind-up radio
Pull it out of that deep dark hole in your brain and there you have it, sold

Now don’t read the rest of this, you’ve got ideas to ignite
Hand that notice in, bye-bye awful boss, its time for me to take flight

As I am that lost cog

JJB

Bless me Lord for I have sinned
As I once grew a haircut that I shortly binned
But I knew at the time it was thoroughly wrong
Because these things happen when you grow it that long
A look in the mirror and you think it looks alright
Seriously man, that really isn't right
Laughed at behind closed doors and always behind your back
Yeah, it's true, you do look a complete ****
If haircuts were numbered you'd be looking at a one
As the village idiot would even shave it off
That bundle
That irresponsible
That monstrosity to the back of the human head
The Man Bun

#youknowwhoyouare

JJB

Classes
Segregation between the masses
I'm above you but only when it matters
Looking down my judgemental nose
Friends with those I must and those who I chose
A regular guy from my head to my toes
But we can be picky sometimes I suppose
So who are we to pick our circle of friends
The ones we ignore and the ones who we would lend
Those conversation to have and an ear to friendly bend
But some are translucent and to hell you silently send
As they disapear into nowhere and try to amend
We read our daily papers and some journos we agree
Some are spot on and have life down to a tee
Others are so WOKE we have to seethe
But that doesn't mean we are chosen on race
For those we love and who hits first base
It's an individual choice on who is chosen and down to taste
As we are surely past the colour of our skin and who sits on the bus
We judge on who we are, who we know, and who we trust
It will always fall down to a certain choice I'm afraid,
Them and us.

JJB

Sorry. Did I say man?

I meant men.

Men never grow up.

#plural

JJB

Staring
Not caring
Of the words that are being said
Pondering
Just wondering
Of how he woke from his bed
Induced coma
That'll show ya
They all thought that you were dead
But nothing can stop me
Even that graceful old oak tree
That still stands and watches me in dread
As I now drive past her
This time slower, not faster
As we silently share that moment not said

JJB