White is empty.
Good means nothing to me.
Black is everything.
The Darkness that fills me.

My yang need not a yin.
You close you’re eyes and feel.
The world. The people.
You lose you’re self,
In everything.

Make a believer out of me
I dare you.
For in faith’s greedless device
I find no solace with these mice.

I yearn for greater than god.
Knowledge everlasting
Since that tree first bore fruit I’ve been searching.

But I am no longer thirsty.
Why do I exist is a question I have never asked
The answer is pointless and in consequential.
It is White.

I am carnivorous
And my appetite is desire.
Give me you’re spoils and I’ll give you my power.
The power to be a Blacker you.


Smile.

lidless eyes
and the thought that
I'll never get better
is comforting in its
own particularly dreadful way
waves of solitude
self imposed and ever increasing
can't won't fit in afraid to fit out
misunderstood and still in search of self
identity folks is more important than anything
it just ***** when your self
is... not much at all
just a phase
i hope

Life is a balance,
How you balance love,
And Hate.

How you balance friends,
family,
and the lies they create.

How you balance commitments,
And fun
and the laps you will take.

How you balance food,
And sleep,
and bread you must bake.

How you balance work,
With play,
and the fights you make.

In accordance to that...
I must admit,
Repent and replicate...

I'm half part ****,
and half part nerd.
Is that not absurd?

I played Perfect Blue Buildings,
For all the crowd to hear and see,
Katie, laughed, a little drunkenly,
Saying, "Well, God, this is depressing,"
and she laughed a little forcefully,
And of course, the crowd, the sheep,
comfortably agreed,
So when the lull arose,
I looked into her eyes and said,
"Oh Katie, let me ask you, do you dislike this song because it is depressing?
Does it make you want to change to something happier?
Why dislike a song because it is sad, as if something could be wrong just for being sad?
I must ask is it the song you are running from,
or the Perfect Blue Building?"
And the place got quiet,
And like always, compared to the crows that are a counting,
My poetry is SILENT.
But so was she.
In an America where you are free to speak,
Whatever lays about on your decrepit little minds.
Oh, She was so so silent.
Now, ain't that, depressing?

Can't. Won't. Will not.
I see you there. My weakness.
You aren't always there. You pick
And You choose.
Heart bump. Instagram. Dread.
Same old game. Can't grow up. Can not move on. You're always there. Waiting.
Apathy. Desire. Fear. Loathing.
A cycle of reincarnation. An atheist Buddha. The same life. Feeling new by it's blistening intensity. Just raw.
Festering and sterile.
I do blame You. For everything. But I won't walk away from You. Depression is obsession.  I'm consumed by You.
Cold. Can't see. Can't think. Blood moving eerily. Playing Axis and allies. Can't speak.
You hit me the morning after. I don't like myself. I'm late for work. Again. I dissapointed my Father. Again. I Made bad decisions. Again. Even this sick soliloquy, is  no therapy for me anymore. You watch me. You'll stay for a while. Your face is painfully expressionless. Your eyes dull. You'll be back again. Like the cold winds and goosebumps. One leading to another. Fading, for only a while. If I make it this time I'll see you on the other side.
And if not, at least I'll, go in the light. Even if hell fire is all I right.
Maybe You'll be there waiting. And you won't ever go. I'd miss you. I'd miss you so.

Eventually,
All good things,
Must come to pass.

The Day must fade,
Sweetly and succinctly,
Into the Night's kind embrace.

The seasons chance,
And the years go,
Our Final deposit in the Crematorium.

The Summer years pass,
And fade into fall,
And into winter, the death of us all.

Yet after every winter,
After every death,
A New Spring blooms,

Life lives again.
Fight and struggles again
The Sun rises once more.

The plants come back,
The animals out of sleep,
The child is born.

Every day the Night must come,
The moon must shine, and have its say.
But even the mighty moon must too, give away, to a brand new day.

She comes and goes like,
A brief wind,
In a blustery storm,
dark clouds, and lightning surround,
but here in the eye,
her wind blows quick,
and then out.

And she is gone again.
Hopefully this time,
Never to be found.

Oh,
lonely,
  broken
   little
    soul.
Cute little doll, porcelain and rogue, little magical empty being.
I know that place, mmm, that never land.
Tiny little heart, beating so bold
the black it oozes with every pump,
beautiful raven's gold.
Precious little one, I want to give you my hand.
I don't know whether you'll take it,
Whether I want you to,
Inevitability, I'll break my toy,
But if that's okay with you,
then it's okay with me.
If you got jagged edges, I'll smooth em out,
If you're shattered on the inside, I'll lick it out,
If your nightmares come to life,
They'll find a place with these demons of mine.
The
Thing
  You
   Don't
     Know
       is

How far does the rabbit hole go?
Is wonderland a dream
or a lie?

Jump and see.
Jump and see.

Loneliness is a common illness.
Yet I reside in it selfishly,
The White walls are all Black,
My mind fades oft to the back.

You made the attempt,
And I made the refuse,
Self-destruction my only attribute.
Pain my only friend.

I see death and hear it too,
It calls out to me in the form of the blues.
I am reaping what I have sown,
Soon, my soul will embark on its final toll.

Love is absent,
Cold is present,
I wish I could feel,
But feelings are for childlike yesterday’s.

I was a happy boy once,
But age is just a number,
At 16 I am older than most,
My face a grave testament, to the graves of friends sentiment.

I am sick with an illness,
One for me not to be cured.
I wish I believed in fate,
It would be much easier then.

Yet there is no one to blame,
Or hide behind,
Only my shadow to reside beside,
Only your memory to taunt my mind.

I have made many mistakes,
And will make many more,
One day in fact I think I’ll be poor,
But the greatest by far,
Was to leave you barred,
To leave you stranded in the backseat of that car.

The wind is calling me now,
It talks to me somehow,
Sayin’ “You won’t be much longer now, won’t be left alone to frown.”
I answer, “Come back when I am dead,”
It echoes, “Won’t be much longer now.”

The tears are empty,
So is the pitcher.
How can I be with ya?
Never, never, never.

I have trouble sleeping,
Harder still to make sense,
Because my dreams are haunting
To this day the leave men incensed.

I am going crazy,
Slowly but surely.
Soon you’ll see me on your door.
Wanting to get our favorite smores.

Silence, now, silent void.
The wind is no longer whispering.
The walls no longer menacing.
Only me, without.
My mind not even speaking,
Not daring to break what is happening.

The windows open without noise,
Outside I can see my future,
Lit in a light other than the moon.
What I see… makes me hope I die soon.

Oh,
The places I have gone,
Into the gutter onto the street,
Regurgitated,
Every fiber,
Of my uneven being,
A little yin,
A lot of yang,
And the realization,
Of the cost of "freedom",
Is security,
And the lies swept under the rug,
Therein.

Where do I go?
In this world I do not fit within,
It suits me not,
Too corporeal, too moralistic,
Too judging, and a little bit too thin.

Always finding reasons,
To opress other human beings,
Even in democracy,
The masses lurk,
Judging, what is good men.
The young are chained,
Binded by systems and laws,
Signed to social contracts,
They didnt ask for,
and most will never understand.

All in the great,
revolutionary idea!
Oh, yes, as they will tell you with a smile,
You can be anything you want to be!
(If you get a 4.0)
You can love freely!
(Except gays and underaged)
And women let me tell you,
Yes how to get an abortion,
And when!

Always distinguishing,
Classifying people,
Alpha and beta,
And whatever else in bygone alphabets,
We are social animals,
Civilized only in lies.
And all men are not created equal!
Some are born to die.
We laugh in the face of this evil,
Because we cannot control our own existence,
And the only other option is to cry,
And self annihilate.
Of course, to the world,
This is so very wrong.
Such a crazy guy.

There is no freedom I say.
Only the mirror image,
The perception of such,
We make our own choices,
Sure,
Pre ordained by our genetics,
Our expereinces, our cultures,
The boxes of our very thoughts,
Ergo the very essence of who we are,
For if we were different,
We would go left,
And not right,
into the very clutches of Satan,
The demons men swear by.

I've got nothing nice to say,
Or contribute to society,
So I oft think,
I'd best stay silent,
And censure myself away,
I hurt my friends,
My family my loved ones,
And add onto the suffering list,
Still knowing the worst I got,
is better than a lot of men.

So, alas,
Mi amore,
I have a lie to say,
If you but love me,
Oh just one night,
I will love you,
Forevermore.

I have a lot to say,
And not much time to say it.

So let me make one thing clear,
If you will acquiesce it.

That if you ever meet a girl,
Don't ever let her forget it.

I have a lot to say,
And not much time to say it.

So let me make one thing clear,
If you will acquiesce it.

That if you meet a girl,
Don't ever let her forget it.

Why are your lips so painful?
Why do they curse me so?

What makes your hips so graceful?
Makes them go with the flow?

How are you so perfect?
Yet so flawed?

When did you become a market,
For the hearts of man's thoughts?

Where was an angel born?
Perhaps inside your locket.

I honestly do not know how
You do the things you do.

But I do know one thing to be true,
It's not long, painful, or graceful.

Just simple, sweet, and encompassing,
It is of course, me saying truthfully
"I Love You"

Why are your lips painful?
Why do they curse me so?

What makes your hips graceful?
Makes them go with the flow?

How are you so perfect?
And yet so flawed?

When did you become a market?
For the hearts of man's thought.

Where was this angel born?
Perhaps, inside your locket?

I honestly do not know,
How you do the things you do.

But I do know what one thing to be true,
It's not long, or painful, or graceful.

Just simple, sweet, and encompassing.
It is of course, me saying truthfully,
"I love you"

You are like a ghost,
Haunting me, waking, dreaming,
****, woman, It is you that makes my heart,
go beating off into the wilds,
randomly, fleeting,
Screeching, and into my gut,
where the butterflies are singing,
I can't get you out, of my blood,
my worthless pulse that wont stop beating,
Its discreet and it makes me think,
If I had it over again, I wouldn't be leaving,
Not ever, not if you were cutting my very
Organs our from under my being,
Till I bled out and died, with your eyes on mine,
Cuz I've left you a thousand times, scared of what,
You could be reading, into my scars, and my flaws,
My ticks, and my insecurities, they talk,
Like little green men to crazy men,
Oh I'm insane and my depression is carrying me therein,
And no death is gruesome enough to be worse than,
A life alone, without you in it,
Its melodramtic, I know,
I have no one to confide upon so,
I'll tell it all to my pen,
Worthless strokes, full of worthless thoughts,
To convey meaningless feelings,
Oh insanity, thou art the love I feel,
I'd give it all up, oh I'd sell my soul,
I'd let loose my demons, and I'd carry your hell,
I'd fight god himself, I'd cry in public,
Just end it all, stop flaunting your sickeningly
Pretty face, your gorgeous smile, your pretty brown eyes,
That *** that are all my hands remember,
The fear I felt then as if I was in the presence of the 8th world wonder,
I can't get it out, not when your here, and I look so weak,
If I send you out, and I think twice in the mirror,
The closer you get, maybe one day then,
I'll get one more chance, And,
I wont lose you, Again.

So there you are again,
and you say you'll always be right there,
Oh, baby, you say you aren't trying to love me,
You must have gone crazy,
To keep me around,
Knowing I'm batshit,
Stinking flailing,
all over you,
You are the mountain,
I have to climb,
The light that only I can find,
The sight that warms me up,
The fright that tears me down,
I won't let my life be for naught,
I won't let you be there, alone,
Forgot.
You can't let me out,
But I've gone so much,
It's scary to let me in.
I know, I know,
I'm not worthy, yet still,
Dearest, oh heavenly creation,
Oh muse, I'm listening,
To whatever music you send my way,
I'll only fall for you, Off my perch of isolation,
You've always been,
My only one,
My other half,
My kindred soul,
Again, and again, and again,
You've always understood me,
Read me like a book you wrote yourself,
So deeply profound,
So riveting,
Shaking me down,
Shake me all down,
And sweep me away,
Again.
I'm never leaving,
I'm  never giving up,
it will take me forever,
To earn your heart but,
Amanda my love, my dear,
I won't say it first,
I won't kiss you first,
I won't run my hands through your hair,
I won't grab you closely, hold you tightly,
As if you Must never go,
Until you say,
"I'm yours, again,"

I could see the way
Light formed from the opaque
Wrapping around the white whisps,
of clouds long past now.
Becoming solid, filling with mass,
casting shadows, glancing past.
I had tears of a feeling not quite joy,
not quite fear. Not quite empty.
Not quite. It was just the tip.

I thought of a lover.
One I could now never introduce to my Mother.
In more ways than one.
More ways.

Yet, I look across the open field,
Of others vast imaginations,
romantic meanderings,
and dramatic, emotive yields.
I empathize, and oh, I can find a way to feel.
But this warmth is wounding,
This hope, isolating.

There are parts of me that are gone.
And you reading,
And those who have heard,
And those who sit staring,
thinking, dreaming,
that it will come back,
That I will change,
or become as I was in their minds,
once more. That I'll grow up.
Move on. Recover. Become whole.
Feel human. Be an adult. Find a real reason for being.
Not just existence, unforgiving you.

That just a little religion,
some art, or expression.
Maybe a girlfriend,
wherever or whatever that is,
Can somehow complete me.
Bring me back.

But I smile, fondly,
Melancholy.
It is now a part of my  being.
I am that I am, said God.
And I am the God of my own choosing.

Every line it ain’t enough.
The best poem in the world,
It’s just futile, useless.
You can’t feel what I feel.
You cannot truly relate.
Even if you could, so what?
What does that accomplish?
You praise me but you do not know me.
It’s worthless, just words.
And what is in a word but nothing.
Just meanings changing, from person to person,
Just sound.
Ain’t no real point to it all if you think about it?
So then why do I continue?
Because to me it feels better than not.
It’s already depressing just thinking,
But at least this way when you tell me I can pretend.
Maybe one day it’ll be better.

I find it interesting that
We place ourselves
In the sight of others.

I've got nothing,
I say to myself,
With a half worn half grin,
oh dear oh my oh may,
I exclaim I explain, to the cracks on my wall,
Dripping blood in my mind into,
my open mouth hungrily drinking,
every last drop, unfullfilling,
I wonder why I wonder why,
my stomach is so empty.

My mind is so full, so engineering,
thoughts and crimes, and lovely lies,
like I love you, I love you,
mi amore! Come to me, **** my ****,
and we will forever more!
Oh she laughs, as my eyes widen,
straight to my sinister soul,
what does it mean, what does it mean,
When I **** only myself,
mentally, and no more.

Look at it, look at it,
the little boy alone,
Oh where did his family, where did his family,
go?
It's not bad, it's not bad,
contrary to popular opinion,
on the island, in the seclusion,
no longer loving, those,
who you can't hear;
and those who you never see,
but who talk and talk,
and **** and ****,
while you sit there and grin,
no, no, please oh no more.

Leave me be, I won't seek thee,
so let me go, oh no you just wont
cause you stay in this mind,
and you are the blood dripping from the cracks
AND YOU ARE THE CAUSE OF THE DEMONS
THE ONES EATING AT ME
FROM THE INSIDE
FROM THE WRINKLES OF MY DEPRAVED
DISGUSTING
MIND.
JUST,
die

I almost made it,
I play scenes over and over again in my mind,
Almost kissed her,
Almost loved that girl,
Almost made that play,
Almost saved my brother,
Almost had her say what she was really thinking,
Almost sold that car,
Almost wasn't depressed for a year and a half,
I almost was happy,
I was just a few years too old,
I just didn't have a car,
I almost believed in myself,
I almost didn't give up,
I'm so young but I'm almost dead,
Life goes on just a bit too long,
I almost want a fast forward,
Yeah yeah it's nice and all, but, let's skip to the end,
Oh I almost know where I'll go,
Cuz' I can't stop looking at where I've been,
I'll just keep eating my own tail,
And I'll almost get what I want,
Almost, but not quite.

I close my eyes,
and where did I go?
Oh why doesn't anybody know,
Dearest dear, of yesteryear,
How come I still hear the chill of your voice,
In my deaf little ears?

Along a long road,
With nowhere to go,
Oh in life you bet on yourself,
Thinking it's the best bet in the book,
And then you break down on the side of the road,
And you find yourself alone, alone,
And you weren't a very good bet after all,
Alone, alone,
You put yourself there.

You open your eyes,
now it's darker than when you had them closed,
You hate the lights in the distance,
Because you remember when you shone,
Oh it is sickening, leave me here,
Leave me alone, alone.
Along this road,
This road, well I lied to you,
My love, My now absent heart,
My queen now deparated,
Smart, just like all the others,
I lied when I said this road goes on,
goes on and on,
I lied when I said it was a long road.
Sometimes, you just gotta fold.

All over the stars She said,
Across the milky way,
And along kepler's bend,
Not as men or women, but as fae.

I'll hold your hand,
And I'll take your carcass,
And I'll strew it across orion's land.
Till no one else loves you, till your blood marks less.

Upon the Nebulae,
Your mind will be wrote,
On the lines of each and every lie,
You told me, and I coat.

You'll sing for me no longer,
Nay I'll have your very throat,
Stranger still you'll remember,
The love you broke.

I looked at her, I smiled.
A heart on her breast,
And all to see.
But still she's my goddess.
Even if I'm now,
nothing but dust.
Religion sickening.
A death at her church,
Her jesus, unblinking.
Her love, her lust,
Long gone.
Now unto someone else's
Milky way dream.

Isn't there a better way?
O'er this snakeskin shedding,
Than this slow emotional death
Looking for cartharsis
Never to be?

Please, make me, me.
Release me from the birdcage,
And tell me where to dream.

Ah, I look for a tool of my own,
Somewhere buried in the dirt,
Because I am a plow without purpose,
A sword in peacetime.

Sheathed, but mostly lost.
Meaningless, but not wandering,
and so there is no journey,
no art.


Stagnation. Ah.
And a slow morose breath.
Just one long, inhale
For no greater cosmic purpose,
Than the exhale, fleeting.

What a beauty, she said in my agonizing reverie.
Smiling, turning, leaning,
Oyasumi, Good morning.
And the sun's lights ne'er did beam.
The morning stayed dark.
I died, there
heart still beating.

What an Auspicious night my friends,
    What a day in fact,
What a life
What a reflecting Knife,
What with it’s ticker-tack bindings taught with rife,
Yes with the moon’s self served cursed light
That’s right down into my very soul
The pull of which yearns evermore for yet
Another empty ***** and tet-tet
It gets what it rents, it bleeds what it brecks,
It feeds what it mets, is leads where it regrets
Oh yes my friends
Oh yes
What an auspicious night
What a day in fact
What a death


And you wake up alone
In the village you built years ago
Not as you as you are
But you as as you were
Or some oft changed memory of, like soft spun tar
Molded shaped and bent,
Broken in fact by the ravages and scars,
Of nothing, of no one, of nobody,
Of everything, of everyone, of ever body,
All humans, all animals, all life
No people, no beasts, no strife
The cold carcass of the molten sun
The future the past of another man’s son,
What does it mean, what does it mean,
You turn your head in the village
But every stone is me


The night ends to the rise
Of not a start but a doom

Luck is gone Love was a chemistry
Engineered and now revereried
Lipple lap the gods they laugh
As the dice has been cast low and strung
Aye further now you’ve fallen but higher you have come
You split yourself in pieces unbeknownst to anyone
Even your own mind unwitting to the deception
As the chortles bortle onwards ad nauseum
This prophecy disintegrating as it goes on
What is left what is left
You sat there alone for years stuck
This is just the price to pay
For the dam of time to unbrook
What an auspicious night my friends
    In fact
What a day
In fact

And so she came,
Darkness a supreme being,
Seen what she want to be seen,
Unseen to those other than me,
She came slowly,
Knowing her target was within reach,
Frozen I stared, slightly quivering,
Hoping perhaps I would understand this,
Fated entrance,
Every fiber in my being said run,
And every muscle in my body said no.
A body at war with itself,
Is but a dummy waiting to be used,
But if it's for her, only for her,
Then I think it'll be ok,
Because in that evil smile of hers,
Beyond the death and the darkness,
Beyond the face covered in blood,
I see a little girl, looking for someone to hug,
Just a little human contact,
Just someone to snuggle with,
To be with,
To give yourself to,
To love.
And I can do that.

I saw you just the other day...
you know my days and nights they are
blending together more than I might like.

People say they are lost. But I am found.
I am found lacking.
I am found empty.
But I am definitely here.
I am definitely watching.
Thinking.
****, you haunt me.
That stain, that sigh, that lie.
The fear, the joy, that cry.
The letter you wrote
The songs we sang,
in the night,
in the night.

What was your name?
Where did you go?
How have you been?
Would you, like to,
try again?
Are you happy?
What's it like,
do I stay in your heart
Or am I washed away in the tide,
in the gives and pulls
of a younger time.

Yeah, I saw you there,
and I must admit,
it all ran through my mind.
I saw you there, back turned,
but I knew.
Even in front of a Hello Kitty store,
I--

And then I walked away.

I just want to destroy.
Vanish all you conquerors,
You don't belong here,
I just want to be alone.

Thinking, reflecting in the back seat of the car,
As time passes by in a crystallized disunity,
I believe I was meant to be here,
Today as I am, hating so ravenously.

What if I controlled your lives at my finger tips,
What would I do?
I am not a happy person...
I think for the best but... I just want one day.

You don't understand,
Well that is fine with me,
This is my poem not yours,
The heat that courses within me.

Why it's a beast,
And it's just been born,
Now waiting to be fed,
Feed it, feed me, let me consume.

Flames now surround the world,
And I cry without tears,
My body pukes without bile,
And I die without death,
A rebirth of hellish proportions,
Is this what you expected?
I'm not supposed to be here though.
I- am not supposed to be a man yet,
It hurts.

Is anyone coming?
I wish I wasn't alone anymore.
Its cold now.
I was wrong.

Im finally ready to talk about my mom
Now that I feel this numb
she died half a decade ago
and I loved a woman half a decade ago
When I was playing video games on the couch
on the corner imagine of that L shaped green couch
and I slowly realized out of the corner of my mind
more out of the corner of my consciousness
that my mother was dead
laying right next to me
Cold unresponsive and unbreathing
It was now looking back on it
a direct parallel to at least two different moments in my life
When my brother died and I stood outside my mothers bed
barely gathering the courage to wake her
often crushing eternities of silence keeping me from prodding her
from daring to say her name much after
I dont remember when she did awoke
I dont remember her unbearable fear
or the wanton panic in her eyes
but I remember my own
Oh I remember my own and
I kept her just out of sight of cognizance
Before moms funeral
the latter correspondent showed
I had *** with a lie
a lie I knew well
But I kept it just out of sight
No just at the edge of my mind
The drive home
with her brother in the back seat
and my *** deep inside her
fertile cheating womb
My Dark Twisted Fantasy
Bent right around me
I dont remember what I said
Panicking
I couldnt look her in the eye
Id only see myself
And I have to keep her out of sight
just on the line
to where maybe I didnt get here at all
maybe not me but another me
isnt experiencing this reality at all
shock they call it i think
fear
coping
dissociation
compartmentalizing
the trauma
the oh not me
I sat there for how long
playing a game I did not remember
as it was going on around me
my mind was already bleaching
forget forget fade to black
and still she laid there
not breathing
covered in her own blood and mucus
in a position that was disgustingly revealing
till they came
and took her carcass away
and I held someone
some family member or friend or some such
not even blinking and her
just out of sight
just out of thinking
until she left
and my weakness unyielding
exited too
only cold reality now reaching

The epilogue
of this ugly selfish poem
isnt all that revealing
not like before
not like after
I havent been able to form a real relationship
even at twenty three
I maybe came close but
Ive realized im very much a broken being
there was some sort of lesson
or personal growth
some sort of fundamental strength or courage
that was supposed to be found in hope
theres supposed to be a happy ending
a someone special waiting for me
no its not whats on tv
its all my sanity can dream
yet i cant share or feel
these dark deathly thoughts
i cannot even risk now
being rejected instead of
alone in my haught
oh ill only look
in the dark corners of the web
and ill only take and ill never give
i dont know where else to look
i never really did
and i have no moral compass to guide
only my experiences now to abide
so the epilogue is simple now:
Maybe I'll see you one day,
Around the corners of these ugly selfish words.

It was a dark night,
and the man laid along the road,
and the moon wasn't there,
but it never shown so bright,
He dreamed a dream,
But the sun shone,
and woke him anyway.

Beautiful pink petals,
supple layers of humanity.

So close
but so thin.

It hurts that we cant reach other deeper.
We humans are just so,
weak, after all.

So we try to cover our weakness on others.
You press your wet entrance to mine
but we can't connect.

It's lacking, but baby it's all we got.
It's cold inside, but girl all I can feel is your heat
and I am no longer dying.

There are tears down your eyes,
but I can't take them away from you,
I can't pull my self apart.

I'm just a reaching empty void,
trying to find a way to drown you down into my heart,
and my weapon is a kiss,
and I think that I'm winning,
Until you pull apart.

A poem you will not read,
Is like a word you will never see,
A dream you will never heed,
Or a smile that you decide to sheathe.

It's the coldest day in winter,
And the hottest day in summer,
The death of a loved one,
Or the birth of someone you never knew.

Like a bird without feather,
It's something I just can't seem to weather,
It always finds new ways,
To make the writer feel blue.

Late at night I feel it's pain,
Th pain of a poem not read,
Like a bird caged,
Or a man unfed.

It cries out in pitiful agony,
Its moans sweet symphonies,
Of pain etched in words unknown,
And of beings far from this world alone.

There is such a cry,
In all of us,
And it's up to we,
To end its plead.

Riddle me this,
Riddle dee dee.

How does one
Be Happy?

The old man is in the wilderness,
His children never borne.
His parents torn.
He lives alone.
And he likes it so.
No one to tell him what to do.
No government to bore him too.
No lost or love...
Little effort, and much fun.
Yet still for this man,
There feels a hole,
Something inescapable,
Yet not quite describable,
Somewhere within him,
Something is missing.
Lacking a vocabulary,
He finds himself lacking.
So he carries on his day
Chopping wood for winter,
Eating fish for dinner,
Beating his dog for pleasure,
And sleeping for leisure,
He lives a simple life,
One away from danger.
A hatchet for protection,
And a musket for intervention.
But slowly the hole grew.
Until it weighted more than he did.
Bigger and stronger than he,
Eating him from inside.
Yet he was a stubborn man,
And he would rather die,
Then ask for help.
Or a neighborly "Hi,"
So his illness went untreated,
And his loneliness grew.
He beat his dog more,
and ate a little less.
Cried at night,
And knew naught why.
Like a black hole it consumed,
Everything it could see,
That hole slowly grew,
From out his heart it bleeds.
One Day,
Their was nothing left.
Just the hole,
In the guise of man.
It did not move,
And it did not breathe.
The dog had already went away...

Can You believe,
A Shell is all I see?

I Feel it here,
Laying on the beach...

My life beside me,
In the guise of a shell,
It too, fails to breathe,

It is so near,
And so far.

It is who I am,
And so unlike who I are.

I see shells,
But sometimes I wonder,
What do they see?

Can it hear?
Can it speak?
Can it feel?
Can it hurt?

If so, then maybe I am the shell,
Just a fake, in this big whole sea.

Tell you a story,
A sick story of mine,
I'm in a dream,
Waking up, and seeing,
Oh, your blood splattered all over mine.
I'm so scared, so terrified,
Oh hungrier still,
My knees shake and quiver,
but my **** only groans...
Gobble Gobble,
Crunch Crunch,
Gulp.
Yum.
The fear has gone away.
I wake up, a man again,
But I have changed.
And I've never been the same.

I am
really good at
tearing away
people who love me.

I think at night,
When your brain keeps you awake,
Your sub conscious dreaming,
While your mind refuses to take flight,
You find you true self,
And it scares you,
Its dark.
And its alone,
With your eyes closed.

Maybe life,
Is a little day each dying,
Aha, even when your happy your lying,
Next day comes your divorced again,
When did that happen?

I love when people tell me their there for me,
When they aint’,
Hope it makes you feel better,
To watch me sit and suffer,
Squirm at the edge of my seat.

I loved,
At one point in time.
But you know today it's hard.

I've been destroyed so many times.

I think  I don't know what to do.
Trapped in fear and bottled emotions,
I think somewhere along the way...

I told my heart, no way.

Worst part is,
I think it listened.
It's done now, gone, see ya!

No one cares, though,
That is fine with me.

I can't even count how many girls have loved me,
Because none ever have.

Hell I'd settle for like,
In that special and secret way.

But today is not my day,
And yesterday certainly wasn't.

I'd be more hopeful,
But the future looks bleak and dreadful.

My family, by circumstance, by pain,
looks to be tearing apart like our broken window pane.

By circumstances we live and die.

This is the funeral with which we all live by.

Well. I'm just sick and tired.

At the tender age of sixteen,
My darling was taken away,
To heaven or hell,
No one knows…

Her life a gamble,
And her death so,
Inconsiderate,
She just had to go…

What do I do now,
At the tender age of sixteen?
Without her caring presence,
And uplifting grace?

Perhaps a drink,
Maybe a smoke,
While she still yet,
Watches me.

Ruin my life in her name,
To see if we become even,
In pain and equity,
It hurts to be…

Without my darling,
Trish, the meek.

The collateral coaxes of God on Man,
Bring forth the froth of Goth on sand.

When existence means meaningless breathings,
Why do we try and see the reasoning’s of dreams.

Because the faces inside of these traces;
Memories of the outcast on the plains of the membrane.

Taking to the stars in a ship of bars,
Withholding the pain from exploding, while somewhere my mother is tokin’

And it goes faster and faster than fast, and these lines take on the attack,
Of a thousand gazelles in flight to tomorrow’s past fright.

There is no truth just perspective and respectively speaking I’m speaking about respect.
Abhor me as you adore me; please me as you use me, take me as you break me.

I am the ocean as I am the sky, blue crashing on white, trying to live my life,
But I’m failing at every turn and it burns and there is no learn only do and do not.

This life is a series of failures entwined in a not so heavenly knot,
And its okay as long as I’m dead, I say sir let’s travel to the bay, and maybe by the end of the day…

I’ll find my one true love in a tub of emotional regret and without worry or fret,
I’ll take her in my hands and kiss her with my face, just givin’ her a taste…

Of a man wondering if painkillers can take away the heartache.

I'll howl at the moon,
And still my words will never reach you.

I'll stare at the ever same sun you watch set,
for a thousand years,
and still never again cast my gaze upon you.

I'll think of every way to, sway your heart,
like verdant palm trees in a strong breeze,
strong, and yielding, to me.

And I'll write every ounce of my joy,
Into this soft spoken pen,
Thinking, if, and only then.

But I'm a monster without a name,
Even still, my roar fades all the same.
I'm good at something, oh to be sure,
I'm very good at pushing,
The few ones I can love,
away for good.

Your lips are moving,
But I can't hear you,
A barrier seperates us,
And it kills,
To see the way you smile,
And to miss your voice,

The way you walk,
It's entrancing,
But I can't even hear,
Your simple melodies
They're locked away,
From what is within reach.

It's a struggle,
It's a fight,
It's a pity,
And It's dark,
It's wet and it's hot.
It's sad and it's cold.

But most of all it's alone.
And it's where I am now,
Left deaf by a cruel, cruel world.

Beginning today,
I think I will see,
A doctor for, he,
Is smarter than me.
And it is quite plain,
From here to Maine,
That I am not so sane,
As I try to string lines,
In fitful rhymes,
I fail to grasp,
A complete melody.
Its painful and contrite,
To enjoy in this delight,
Of slow agony and belief,
That one day I will create a masterpiece.
To be remembered for that day,
Have little kids from then on say,
He was a god amongst men, watch him play.

Being deaf is ecstasy,
You may think it quaint,
But I do not fight destiny.

A man who knows his place,
In the scheme of things,
Sits back to watch,

The struggles,
In fruitless tiles,
Of the quilt laid in fate.

To see and not be deceived,
By the lies of other’s words,
To judge solely on action,
And never on what you heard.

To never be afraid,
Of that ever beating roar,
The ticking Heart,

A sign of life,
That I could care less,
For.

To be deaf is agony.
I dread it every morning.
To be judges so completely.
By one little malfunction.

I walk to school alone,
And even surrounded by friends,
I am but an unknown…

To never hear the birds chirping,
Or the beautiful octaves,
Of singers from near and far.

Or to hear my sweet lovers whispers,
Deep inside my ear.

To not know the pain of a radio on high,
Or to be able to live my life, completely devoid,
Of an inaudible sigh.

But, by now you’ll probably have tuned this out,
And that’s something with which I can empathize

The Birds Fly into the eclipse of Mars,
They're lives tithe me by fives,
To the Man beyond those jailed bars.

Searching for a new place to call home,
Since this place is a waste of space,
For everyone an then some.

But with especial selfishness, especially me.
I need to beat my heart again, by meeting those I once found sweet,
Birds flying to the Eclipse of mars to be free.

Its futile of course,
But that is where beauty is truly entreated,
Into our lives of insignificant remorse.

Get me out of here now.
We'll go flying just like those birds, into the eclipse Of mars,
Just me and you, the gorgeous Queen of the Stars,
Your smile radiates my Milky way and beyond,
We'll navigate the asteroid belts,
And fly through the black holes,
Because like those futile birds,
We just want to be free.

Oh I can't make money
On the blood I print.
I'm just another voice in the wind
Screaming "Here I am!"

And the gods are still silent.
Just like you, irreverent
to the needs of such an inhumble
man.

The blood moon
Fell softly in the night
Just another night
Alone
Nothing special
Nothing different
At all.
Just a ******* red moon
To mirror my long
Fall

Born from a Dream,
Dying on the seam,
Of your heart,
Taking me apart,
I can feel it feel it now,
The stretch and tear,
Of the stitched be reared,
My tender heart is chasing you,
But only in the dream,
Because dreams aren’t dreams if they are real,
And as real as you are,
I’m just an apparition,
A ghost of an actor,
In this stage we call young love,
Not quite absent, but not quite present either,
A street with an impeding dead end,
Not long now, not long you’ll see,
Born from a dream,
I’ll come crashing into you.
Down or up,
Day or dawn,
Life goes on,
But still tonight I fight,
For whatever feelings you possess,
If not for me then for life,
Happy enough and content to be,
A smile that kills on your face,
How nice you can be…
I’ve never met anyone so innocent and pure
Forgo the spice and stick to the sugar,
Cuz’ girl you are sweet,
Going on with that smile and that heart,
I know how hard you push,
And how long you work,
Your muscles tight,
With every step.
Still your gorgeous, an angel,
Among us mere men.
Gracing us ever so humbly,
With the present of your presence,
So, Born from a Dream,
I think I just want the real you,
I don’t want *** in the back of my truck,
I just want to talk, and hug, and hold, and care for,
Someone worthy.
This is the second act,
And in it we move from the problem,
To the pain,
And it’s clear that the end is quite lame,
Cliché in its very modest success,
And painful in its failure.
Throw that stone at me,
Cuz you know I’ll cry,
Heartache and love take,
Away everything I’ve ever needed,
Every breath I’ve ever breathed,
Full of regret and remorse,
What was once a symphony,
Is now a disjunction,
Harmony and Nature is broken,
And it’s all because of that dammed Mused,
Entitled since and hence, fate.
I laugh because otherwise I’ll cry,
If it was any other day,
And any other time,
Perhaps you could have just said yes,
That for now you’ll be mine.
I think more than anything,
I just want a chance,
But alas its not to be,
For it was my last dance,
A man’s ego and confidence is slim,
As powerful as it is,
Easily shattered and hard to repair,
It takes a skillful and dedicated tinker,
Of which you are neither.
Instead your just as clumsy as me,
Just as sorrowful and lonely as me.
Just as confused and scared as me.
Anything new, anything different,
That’s why in the back of that truck,
I just couldn’t get that kiss.
But you know maybe it’s for the best,
Maybe I’ll be happy without you,
And you without me,
Because if there is one thing I’ve learned,
It is simply this,
If you think its bad now, wait…
It only gets worse.

I believe I was meant for the job,
As our story rounds to a close,
Like Christ I think I was set up,
To take the sins and evil of all,
The burden is deep,
And the hill is steep,
The sun’s a setting,
And it’s the most ugly thing I have ever seen.
Still I won’t open my eyes,
Because even deaf I cannot see.
Its too painful every day,
To be so unhappy.
I don’t know how man ways I can say it,
Born from a Dream,
Maybe!
You are not real, just a vision a mirage, a fantasy
But you are as real as can be,
And babe, I’d give up heart, soul, body, and toll,
If  just for one day, one perfect day,
Where we’d just lie in bed, with the phone unplugged,
In each other’s arms sleepily,
Not moving, not talking,
Just listening to each other’s hearts beat.
And thinking all the while,
I’d give it all up,
If only I could,
Hear this drum tap one more time,
And it always does.
But you know…
As great as this is,
And as perfect as you are,
I am an imperfect being,
While you are Born from a Dream.

Let me tell you a story,
Of death and a boy.
The boy was dead inside,
Outcasted and harassed,
But his friend and at last his family.

So walking along the street,
No one else had gone upon,
With his ****** body,
And crazy mice.
He met death a waiting.

As his time had come first.
Death incarnate,
And Living Death,
They talked and slowly but surely,
Became the best of friends.

He did not plead for his life,
Or beg to acquiesced,
Death being surprised,
At someone so unsure, being so content.
Broke the Law and the Word,
And let the boy go away.

One day the boy was a man,
In his own disfigured way.
Innocent at heart,
****** in all but the brain.
He walked with stones,
Hoping the weigh his fate.

And Death still followed,
As the protector and procreator,
The one friend that remained.

But alas Death grew sad,
As he looked ahead in time,
And saw that this lie would have to be corrected,
Dave would have to die.

So along the beaten path,
That got colder and colder,
The man became sad,
Yet sure in his task.
Suicide was his only option,
His desire for control on his fate.
What irony, what pity,
To see the trap that lay.
The universe is a cruel thing,
And it had been made late.

The man got to the cliff, at the end of the forest,
When readying to jump,
The lion took him head first,
And mauled, and ungutted,
He screamed and begged for help.

But his screams did not last long,
As Death settled in.
The look of fear, of recognition,
And a lone tear let out,
With his last lifeful look,
Into the eyes of his very first and last friend.