"So what is it"
"It's the chemical dreams are made of"
"it comes in waves:
the first hit you feel awesome,
the second hit you feel awful
the third hit makes you forget everything"
three hits
lightly cooking the bowl
1
this feels great
2
my heart is going to explode
3
the color drains from the world into black and white
sepia
and purple stars
the spirit molecule
and my body feels like a thousand pounds
"just close your eyes and ride it out"
fractal light patterns
and flashes of eyes
the eye of ra?
the eye of horus?
no
the Goddess Seshat
I had no idea who she was
but she was talking to me
her voice breaking through the tentacles and sound wave mesh
she said
God is weeping
and I said but why?
is it because I was bad?
and she said
no,
it's because you think you are
and his face flashed before
drenched in tears
only to be replaced by a scorpion
but I'm a Taurus and not a Scorpio
the silhouette of a bull blowing smoke
and she told me many things
she told me about me
about wisdom
about the world
then a phone ringer sounded
it was a text
and the cloud of cosmic dust particles slowly settled
It was the real world again
only this time
more peaceful
"Guess how long it's been?"
"five minutes?"
"twenty."
and I could already feel it fading away
all that's left are flashes of images and conversation
and the feeling that there was an important message

allow me to get real
If I may
the car wash where I work *****
money is great
because I love to blow it
but work is soul crushing
sometimes I fantasize
about going to sleep
and never waking up
not suicide
just an infinite nothing
in one small **** I could be gone
and not have to worry
about letting down my crazy alcoholic mother
who I love more than I would've thought possible
or my absentee father
who has been a wallet whom I've grown a surprising attachment to
and you all read my poems
I scoff at even calling them that
but you read them
and maybe think,
I can relate
or I like his style
well lemme tell you something
my style is self destruction
***** stained sofas
and ****** faces
and there is no glamour to it
and I'll be the first to tell you
there's no glory
I'm in a hole
and I'm addicted to digging
but if I may
let me say this
don't worry about me
worry about you
worry about what will happen when we all wake up
and ask ourselves
what the **** have I been doing with my life
where did all of this time go
all I can say is this
if you aren't living
on your own terms
working towards whatever it is you SOB's love
then you might as well die now
because if you aren't living for passion
are you really living at all?

Boy meets girl
girl acts coy
boy acts distant
they dance around each other
playing their games
playing their songs
their music
she would sing the songs
he would write the words
boy and girl become friends
they hang out
acting always as if they don't want
anything more from the other
to want another is viewed as weakness
and they both want to appear strong
so they don't worry anybody
so they don't attract the predators
like moths with faces on their wings
they just want protection
until they can take flight

Years pass
they're fairly close
years pass and they're still on the same level
alcohol is introduced
and they have brief moments
flaring out in the mess of time
where they catch a glimpse of what they want
a long hug
walking back with his arm around her shoulders
dancing in a dark basement
He's a coward at heart
hidden beneath steel plated armor
she's a cocoon
waiting to become a butterfly
maybe one day they'll get it together
maybe one day

Where are you going
walking down the street
as the sun struggles
to find a reason to rise
and trash skitters along the asphalt
being blown by the winds of wonder
I wonder when you will realize
realize that the second hand
is spinning too fast
and that one day
the clocks will all break
and one night
the bottle will run empty
and the mirrors won't break
and the knife won't cut
the gun won't ****
hammer
pull
so where are you going
we all say the road less traveled
but truth be told
that road doesn't exist anymore
and truth be told
we're too lazy to raise a fist anymore
and truth be told
I don't tell the truth
I just make you believe lies
but isn't that the same thing?

Blue eyes, blonde hair, red lips, intense stare,
self doubt, dark soul, your eyes bore a hole,
hard kiss, quick ****, over fast, no luck,

leaving now, going home, so cold, so alone,
shiver shake earthquake, so unreal, so fake,
tears trickle down my face, so slow, quicken pace,
still there on the brink, another drug, another drink,
block you out, so numb, want to hide, want to run,

Far away, leave it all, the more i think, the more i fall,
Shut my mind, shut you out, feeling sick, full of doubt,
Too hard, you’re always there, look at you, try not to stare,
Fake smile, cold hello, nervous laugh, hard swallow,
little hope drains away, another moment, another day,

Time goes on, hope it heals, because I hate how it feels,
But for now, I crave your touch, I want you now, miss you so much.

I’m scared.
I’m scared that one day I’ll be numb,
that quiet fields at 3 am
will no longer remind me of you,
that I won’t notice worn cracks in the sidewalk,
that this smile I wear might actually be real.
I’m scared this heart is empty,
because you took everything when you left it.
I’m scared because you saw every corner of it
and you didn’t run.
I’m scared to love,
because I know how it feels when I’ve lost it.
I’m scared because the words don’t come easy anymore.
Because I can write a poem for each one of the trees
outside my window,
but I can never find the words for you.
They wait patiently in the distance between us,
so I guess these simple ones will have to do.
I’m sorry.
I’m scared that one day the ink inside these veins will dry up,
and the letters won’t arrange themselves the way I want.
But maybe that’s already happened,
because this is how it feels to have all the things to say
and no way to say them.
I’m scared.
I’m scared because these words are all that I have left,
and you’re not here to read them.

I can’t do this anymore.
I seriously ******* can’t.

I love you, but you’re completely ripping my body from my soul.
I cannot deal with you, or someone like you.

There is no room in my life.

And every ounce of guilt within me me building up
Boiling over
In anger
Fear
Confusion

You lie
You pretend

Nothings okay.
It was never okay.
You can’t pretend everything fine always, because if you do, everything pops from it’s seams.

Bad **** happened to you.
Unspeakable crimes, that you should never’ve had to go through
But they did
And you let them consume you

Depression.
Cutting.
Suicide Idealization.
Suicide Attempts.

All for what?

To be worse off, than when you started?
To literally depend on a sharp piece of metal.
To allow yourself to slip away from everything?

Friends.
Family.
Lovers.

Nobody will be there for you.

We’ve all tried.
We’ve been there.

I’m not giving up,
you made me quit.

I do NOTHING but help, love, and care
and ALL you do is **** on everything

I can’t be called
a *****
or stupid
ignorant
I cant be asked
"what are you talking about"
or scolded with
" I never said that!!!"
again.

I need to give in
but I’m attached.
and scared.
for you
for me
for life
for everything
terrified actually.

For If I walk, will you crumble?
or would be be stronger?

I don’t think I’d be able to handle either.

I want you to need me
but I can’t be needed.

There’s so many things I need to say to you
There on the tip of my tounge
but they’ll never escape

...
  in the quiet of the
              evening
when my fingers feel
     the frost
my bed invites
      these tired eyes
   to tea
           with
   scones and dream
                             ...

'friendly fire'*
s t i l l   h u r t s