I know that one day he's going to leave me. and that hurts
he is going to grow up happy with someone who's not me
But not me, because I don't see myself in ten years.
I don't see myself in five
and I don't even see myself in a year
I know one day he's going to realize that I am right
that he deserves someone better
someone who can treat him the way he deserves
he deserves to find someone who's everything I couldn't be
he deserve to never fear when his last days will be with me
because I am a ticking bomb
ready for destruction at any given moment

Happy
that's what I told my therapist I wanted to be
Happiness was my goal
I used to think it was unfair how everyone seemed happy
everyone except for myself
at one point I thought I was happy but I wasn't
in fact I was never happy it was all masked with
endless money until it was gone
A year later I made no progress
and no matter how hard I tried
I still wasn't happy because my thoughts were consumed of
horrid things and in that moment I realize there was no turning back because I was a sad girl

I'm lost
Every now and then I'll try to convince myself
that I'll eventually be okay
But then the next day my thought change
and then I'm back to square one

The thing about mental illnesses is that if you aren't
depressed enough,
suicidal enough,
bad enough , nobody cares
Nobody cares until you reach their standards
and that is until your problems is bad enough to affect them

Emptiness is like a shadow that you never really can get rid of
you can try and fill the void but filling it won't erase it
feeling it just distracts it
you try to think that things are good and finally going fine
but there's still this kind of void inside you that you can't erase
because it feels like it's written in permanent marker

The problem with perfection was that it couldn't be defined
because no matter how many times we would try to rewrite the definition
there was always going to be someone who wanted to change a word or
add in a quality
and eventually that would make perfection destined to be flawed
we all could try out best to tell ourselves otherwise but we would only set ourselves up for disappointment and I knew this for a fact

I'd put on such a strong face when I would be out with everyone else
but in reality I was just like a cracked glass
But do you know what happens to cracked glass
when it gets put under pressure?
It breaks
and I know one day I'm going to break
till I don't live to see tomorrow
It's only a matter of time before everything comes crashing down