W a nn a  
g o
w a nn a taste the open   r o a d

l e t  strangers look at me f u nn y
want to catch this t r i p

wi t h you

wanna be a mess
           have my feet on the dash
b e  s o me  w h e r e  o p e n

You're right
I'm sorry

After all that, I still had my eyeliner on
My mascara-
After all that screaming
After you left
I feel like I'm in the waiting room at a hospital
My heart is in surgery
And it's not going to make it
I keep waiting for you to come back through the door but you're long gone
You're running away to Maryland, I'm waiting to turn 19
I messed up the nail polish on my toes in the same living room where it all shattered
I fell asleep hanging upside down off my bed with the lights on
And my eyeliner in place
And my mascara

then the laughter would subside and
our chests, more like your chest and my head would touch.
then our knees, more like your knees and my thighs would touch.
and it’s like the atmosphere got warmer
just for us two.

knowing that as odd as it sounds,
the love that we have,
or at least feels genuine,
is so real.
so i plead for you
to not leave.


but by accident
i closed my eyes for too long
i opened them quickly but too late.
i’m back here now.
in a ball.
laying on my parents bed
trying to continue that daydream but still incapable..

let our love be sustainable..

living is so expensive.
moms working two jobs and
dads doing overtime weekly now and
i little myself too much
already knowing of my parents expenses,
i don’t think about things that i may want,
knowing we probably can’t afford it.
Like why go online shopping and let the items sit in your cart
knowing well you aren’t in the position to purchase anything
and when you stumble upon it it’s saddening to an extent.
“borderline depressing”
mom says.
“that’s just how life is”
dad says as he pours a *** of hot water
into my sisters lukewarm bath.

heartache and debt
the cost of living.

not being able to lean on
your shoulder
makes the chill of the morning
even colder.

                 we talk on the phone but when you leave, i feel more alone.

but then i remember your sweet laugh-
more like a cackle..
you’re in my head,
makes me feel like i’m in shackles.

                 while i’d rather us in bed, smiling away at our own thoughts..

we take advantage of the time we have,
even in my imagination you have my hair
in knots and
shirt with spots.

I would have given anything for an ambien last night

"As many loops at possible," she whispered.
We were sitting in the waiting room at the hospital, hoping to see her sister's newborn child. She was sewing.
My hands were shaking, and the stitches came out crooked, but she said I did perfect

I was sweating.
It was late and I thought I had been dreaming, but I couldn't sleep
It was a hazy, drug induced dream
Muddled by clouds and glare from an unpresent sun

I was under water, all of a sudden, I guess
But my clothes felt as though they had been soaked forever, like I had grown up there in the lake
Or the sea, I couldn't tell
I held my breath, calm and steady, and found the surface
But I remained, until my heart beat solidified to stone,
And I breached oxygen

That bed was a prison
I couldn't imagine morning through my open blinds
All I can remember is my muscles curling in on themselves and my mind imploding
My body was a black hole I couldn't escape
2 am was eternity that I was slouching towards

She was looming over me, I must have passed out on the couch
She kissed my cheek and dragged me up
Breakfast was ready, she said
There was something across me
The blanket, she had finally finished sewing
Right in the center was the square I had sewn at the hospital
I thought she had thrown it out
As I stared hazily, trying to shake the cobwebs out,
She smiled from the kitchen
"Come on, up you get," she gestured, and disappeared into the light

She knew she wasn't supposed to fall for him
But she was never
Really
Good with following instructions
Even ones she wrote herself
She would glance at the manual
Every now and then
But always focused more of the final picture
More than anything else

He thought he was an
Ordinary boy
One with shaggy hair
And brown eyes
And freckles that covered his nose
He wore the same red sweater all the time
His smile perfectly crooked
The way his voice sounded
Heavy and deep
But he was never an ordinary boy
Because his shaggy hair
Was always the feeling she recognized
And his brown eyes were a shade
One she had never seen before
And the freckles on his face
Were stars that she created new constellations with
Every time she saw his face
That awful red sweater smelled like him
No matter how many times you washed it
His smile was the thing that made her
Do the same
And his voice warm
Like a blanket
Wrapping around her every time he said her name
And it was only him who made her feel this way
Because he was no ordinary boy.

I want you to love me
The way you loved me before
Back when all I did was good
When you understood
I was doing the best I could.
I want you to look at me
The way you looked at me before
Not like I was the answer to all your questions
But like you knew
I was going to help you find the answers.
I want you to talk to me
The way you talked to me before
Like you trusted me enough
To know that I am willing to listen
But no matter how you talk at me
no matter how you look at me
no matter how you love me
I will always love you
As much as I did before
If not more