it's not like i didn't expect us not to last forever but it's not like i expected us to end like this either because to me you were the night and we both loved the night it's when we opened up and expressed ourselves, it's when we would talk and i could hear your voice that sent shivers down my spine and caused carvings in my walls, but now those carvings are covered up and i don't know what to do with your name or your clothing because i can't stand to see either of them, it creates a hole in my chest and the heaviness returns, all of the tears come out and honestly i hate it to an unruly extent

i hate how much you mean to me when to you i was always nothing but a parasite,
i hate how much i want you back when you're already moved on and ready to shoot,
i wish you could have loved me
and cared about me

and considered me a lover

because all you did was fill me with lies that led my reality and i can't stand it anymore i can't get out of this ******* reality i wish it was oh so easy to forget about lost loves like it is in the movies but it isn't and it burns words into my soul and cuts calories into my wrists until i feel light again but that lightness is only temporary and when it subsides i can't help but feel alone again i can't help but need you beside me kissing me senseless

but it'll never be like that

it never was

i regret

everything.

i know what i want to hear and i know what everyone is going to say but i can't subdue this heavy feeling in my chest and he was so different than anyone i've ever met i ******* miss it so much he made me feel like i was floating and he was holding me up he made me smile when i was angry at him and i was ******* happy to be angry at him i was happy that someone could hold up an argument with me and not back down when they were wrong i was happy that he was happy i was happy that when i told a joke he would laugh and he would remember and i was ecstatic that his life revolved around me just like how mine revolved around him

our love wasn't stupid and pointless like everyone elses, it was rooted thick in our veins and stuck in our heads to the point where it filled our dreams with chiche quotes and airborn fruitflies,

our love meant something,
it meant more than anything and everything,

it wasn't a game, but it was, we were always competing and complimenting each others personalities,

and i can honestly say that you made me believe in love, because my heart forever belongs to you and i cant wait until you come back and claim it..

it's waiting for you,

so please

find me

i'm upset that i got so attached to you when all i was to you was a pest, someone to run to when you're bored of your perfect life.

i believed you when you told me that you loved me all those times, but i believed you even more when you told me that you've never actually had feelings for me.
you're just like the rest now,

and i was so sad to see you go, but it was the best for me.

you called me a psychopath when i told you that i was jealous that you liked someone while we were together,
you told me that i was childish and mentally unstable because you talked to her more than you talked to me.

you called me a nuisance because i wanted to talk to you more and hear your voice,
because i was jealous that you were letting her pull you away from me.

it tore me apart to see how happy you both were after i left you, and how much you would both laugh when i'd get jealous.

my being means nothing to you,

i was always just a chore,
a run to,

and a replacement.

thank you.

I'm selfish because I want to know that you've cried over me

I want to know that you've clutched your chest, or pulled your hair while thinking about how much you miss me

I want you to feel heartache when I don't talk to you,
or when you know I'm upset.

I want you to comfort me,

kiss me when I'm sad

or even just hold my hand when I'm anxious.

but this is too much to ask of you,

you don't care.

you never cared, and I don't think I could make you care no matter how hard I tried.

you've moved on,

you're happier without me

but I wish that you were crying.

carve my name into your wrists

I want to see blood come from your pale skin while you cry out my name,

I want you to know how alive you will feel after the first cut.