Sometimes I turn off the lights walk slowly over to my bed and crawl under the covers and let the darkness swallow me whole. I sit there and think about what it would be like to end my life then and there. I know my mom would be heart-broken and Dalton would cry and blame himself for the cuts on my upper thighs and the bullet through my chest and I know David would look at the floor and think what could I have done to stop this and i know my cousin Courtney would cry not only because I would be the first person she has lost in her family but because I am like a sister to her like she is to me. As I lay there in bed drifting away from the abundance of Zoloft I have just taken, I like to call them my “Happy pills,” I think about who wouldn’t show up to my funeral. My dad, that man can hold a grudge.... My brother.... One day he will be just like my dad. Marissa.... We were best friends, but what does that really mean. Sean..... He was like my older brother but I bet I just annoy him. Erin.... She is my best friend from camp but I bet she really just hates me. As I begin to shut my eyes I feel content but then I realize I have to say one last thing, so I pick up a piece of paper and a purple pen and write these words, Mom, I love you. You have always been there for me even when I was wrong. Maybe now that I am out of the way you Dad and Douglas will get along better. Dalton, Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Staying up with me and making sure I was okay and remember this was not your fault. David, We’ve had our rough patches but YOU will always be my best friend even if you don’t like me no one would ever take your place. You’re one of a kind and will make it far in life. Courtney, you are going to grow up and be beautiful, I hope you remember I will always be your big-little cousin. Dad, I am sorry that we couldn’t get along but now you wont have to deal with my imperfections. Douglas, good luck with everything you are a smart kid with a lot to offer the world. Now that I have written these final words I set down my purple pen and drift to a place where people can’t hurt me. As I start to dream I see my mom slip back into her depression she no longer loves dad and to her Douglas doesn’t exist. I see Dalton, will Dalton’s grave. He ended up over dosing on those drugs I told him to stay away from. I see David on Facebook opening and closing the chat box, he needs someone to talk to. I’m not there. I see my cousin she’s grown up to be so beautiful. Captain of the soccer team senior in high school but then when she goes to bed at night she stares at the white board in her room where I wrote, “Hey Court, I love you.” 6 years after my death and she never erased it. I see my dad sitting on the couch not showing any emotion like always but then Douglas walks into the room they sit down and turn on the tv and instead of turning it to sports center they turn on Pretty little liars they always made fun of me for watching it, but then I see Douglas turn to Dad and say we know she’s watching this with us she wouldn’t miss it for the world. Then out of no where I wake up and gasp for air run into my moms room wake her up and tell her mom I love you.

I check you out a lot. I will never lie about it.
When I think you’re not looking I catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye, a glimpse that will have to hold me over till I can have more.
When I check you out I notice the small things, like the way your brown hair tickles your neck, or how every step you take has personality in it, I notice the smiles in your eyes.
I look at you and think about how I was to show you off to the world but at the same time i want you all to myself, because you're mine.
In that moment I want your body and your mind all to myself.
I want to taste your lips.
I want to hear your breathing.
I want to feel the outline of your rib cage all the way down to your hip bone.
I want to see your chest take deep breathes of good and exhales of bad.
I want to smell the strong sent of cologne that brings me back to the first time I met you.
When I check you out I also often think to myself, does he check me out as in detail as I do him?
Does he look at me when he thinks I am not looking?
Does he crave my body and my mind like I do his?
When I lie down next to him does he watch me make suddle movements, like breathe or close my eyes?
Does he lie next to me and want me in the most unromantic way?
Does he look at me in public, around his friends and say to himself....
****, I can’t wait to get her alone.

If you're sleeping are you dreaming?
If you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?
I can't believe you actually picked me.

I know you care because every time I don’t answer your texts at night I wake up to texts in the morning saying that you love me and that you hope I am okay.

There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. But I am a rollercoaster ride baby.
And all you do is try to come along with me but I push you away.
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways that make me want to wish I never put you through this
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’ve been doing good with my diabetes for several months now and that only one of many things you have helped me with.
I want to thank you for staying up with me on those long dark nights when all that was on my mind were blades and bullets.
And when I was starting internal conflicts with myself you were there to make peace.
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicide. You complimented me when I hated myself.
So I’ll walk so far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
But when I turn around to take one last look at you
I see you mouth the words  “How can you do this to me?”

If you're sleeping, are you dreaming,
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me.
I can't believe you actually picked me
You should just hate me.

Today I was walking down the hallway and I saw you.

I remembered how it used to be so I smiled at you, but you kept your head
down and kept walking.

“Maybe he didn’t know it was me.” I try to convince myself.

But deep down I know he knows.

It’s hard to walk down these hallways in fear that I might see you and feel that rejection.
7 though 2.
Monday through Friday.
September through June.

But you don’t get that do you?

Because YOU are the one who kept your head down.
Almost like you’re too afraid to face me.
Are you afraid that the past is real?
That at any moment it could come back and bite you in the ***.

But it’s come back to bite mine.
Because boys aren’t like the ones in the movies after all.
They wont come running back in the middle of the night.
They just leave and never say a word again.

You seem to be perfectly content with the fact that ignoring ME
what we had is the way to go.

Yet sometimes I wake up in the morning and try to be a little stronger but some how end up back in your arms.

It must be those texts, those “Baby, I want you back.”
Typical 1 in the morning drunk or too ****** to think text because all of a sudden you have a lot to say for someone who walked away.

But don’t you know that I can see threw your immature lies?
I know the meaning behind those texts... It was suppose to read, “Baby, I want you ON your back.”

For nine months I put up with you.
You should know that by now I would be able to read through your crap.

Game after game yet I still managed to loose time after time.
But this time?
(Long pause)
Today I saw you in the hallway and I put my head down.
I know, I know....
It’ll make us look like complete strangers... But is that new?... I guess that’s what we’ve become.

And its this late at night that it hits me the most
I wont ever see you again, well maybe your ghost.
I hope when I look upon your watch
Thats when you look down and catch a glimpse of the person I've come to be
A person that at a quick glance could be mistaken for you
I know that the disease ate your mind up so quickly that all you remember was my faults
But I hope when you look down on me now your proud of your only granddaughter because I've become proud to say you're my angel.
And its this late at night that it hits me the most
I wont ever see you again, well maybe your ghost

“If I have a daughter
and she starts to
feel the pressure I once felt
I will let her dye her hair
blue, red, green even
I will let her cut it
straighten it
shave it
I will let her wear black eyeliner
and lipsticks
I will let her wear
basketball shorts
and short skirts
and hoodies
and black ripped jeans
I’ll listen to her cry
over boys
over girls
over ‘*******’
and ‘*******’
and teachers
and the world
and the universe
And every day
I’ll tell her I love her
I’ll tell her I’m proud of her
I’ll tell her she’s strong
smart
capable
until she realizes
accepts
she does not
need to be
called beautiful
cool
different
to be herself”

“I’ll smoke countless
Cigarettes
And leave countless
Scars
On my arms
Turn my lungs
Black
And **** myself up
If it means that
I won’t have to
Remember every ****
Second of that
******* day
And oh my god I
Just need to forget,
The pain is driving
Me insane, and I don’t
Want to hold on
Any longer so why am
I still here?”

So I was just wondering... Why do you hate me?
I was just trying to help. I wanted to do what’s best for you.
You know what’s wrong with that sentence? The word wanted.
I WANTED what was best for you. I couldn’t care less now.
I WANTED you to be healthy.
I WANTED you to live a happy life.
Well you know what, go smoke ***, pop pills, drink, go jump in bed with anyone who says “I love you.”
Do you really think that’s what love is?
What my family and I gave you... That’s what love is.
Taking someone in from a broken home and trying to make their life better..
that’s what love is.
You are so selfish thinking you could just get up and leave.
But listen here, you NEVER had the right to come into my life and mess everything up. You took away two years of my life and what I got in return... NOTHING.
I’m no longer as open, as happy. You changed me for the worst.
Do you understand that? Why? What’d I do? Try to help you? Yeah, believe it or not I wanted to help you. In return I got nothing.
So yeah, I was just wondering.... Why do you hate me?