it was too early to let go,
but was the sky—a hodgepodge of red, orange, and blue—
weeping for our permanent parting?
we were drowned in a swathe of starlight black
as if the moonlight cloaked us with invisible fabric?
we were there, i knew, but even my loudest shouts
was no match for your indifference.
our eyes, untrammeled even by the tempestuous winds,
gazing like rapiers through skin,
only vacillated by my innermost deluge.

in the nightfall, i see you outshining the sun,
but what am i then, a rock, a moon in the morning sky?
your gaze, resolute and unfaltering,
like a soldier facing a barrage of mercenaries.
i reach for you in my haze of thoughts,
only to be impeded by my wistful diffidence.
the mere thought of you electrify me—
a robot begging for every inch of shock.
you are my ardor through which my soul is replete,
a sharp pang as i wake up from my nocturnal reverie.

i am a monolith weathered by the voyage of time,
and in my days, crumble into specks of dust.
i'll get to you soon, however far it may be—
the earth, the sun—just as you breathe me in,
and only then will i truly leave.

there, it pierced my skin.
blood gushes out like fireworks in the night sky.
the pain gave me the life i've been longing.
years of existential dolor, culminating to this.

the sharp, searing pain.
demons in my brain—expunged at that moment.
sordid as you may call me, i have never felt more alive.
how much more is the blackout that follows this?

i want more of this.
the frissons of excitement that i feel in every drop.
i faint to the exhileration, but not before i smear
the tears of red on my face, the floor, my body.

i am now an effigy.
a mannequin, go burn me now and i'll cherish
every single moment of my flesh searing
as i languish in pain, but with a boisterous laugh!

i wanted pain.
life never gave me pleasure—the rapture of being alive.
all it gave me were the torment of misadventures.
i longed pain for so long, i'll savor every drop.

more. i yearn for more.
my visual blackouts are nearing, and the darkness—
it's waiting for me like a long lost brother, unseen.
i am ready to devote myself to a new life.

stop.
i don't want this.
nothing waits for me but an eternal darkness.
the void of which i'll spend the whole eternity.
it's too late.

i hear the door open.

my mom winces in shock.
she lets out a piercing shout
as painful as a bulldozer crushing me into splinters.

didn't you want this?
you've had a vehement yearning for liberation
for so long.
stop
you have no place in this world.
you are a nonentity in this world.
no i'm not
your life is nothing but an illusion.
mom, i'm sorry

the darkness envelops my vision into jet black.
i can no longer think.
what have i done
my brain is shutting down.
mom, i'm sorry

goodbye.

27/09/2018

we were in mutual coordinate
in natural synchrony of our own microcosms.
we were bathed in showers
of the starlit cloak that greets us before the morn.

we were slowly revolving
around our own mutual center of gravity.
we were slowly spiraling
as we near each other's force of attraction.

we saw each other spiraling toward
an event horizon, of which escapes are to no avail.
we were hurtling towards each other,
bracing no impact, but with arms wide open.

we danced 'til the night has passed,
and slowly have i realized the truth of it all.
we danced a moonlight dance,
but it was i, alone in my mind's delusional figment!

mirror, mirror on the wall,
who is the weakest of them all?
see my splintered fragments fall?
those pieces of me—big and small.

mirror, can you help me see
that wicked boy in front of me?
help me, mirror, i can't see
the charm of the world around me.

mirror, he's now out to ****,
if i won't love myself, who will?
years of numbness, i can't feel
the knife that's there to pierce my skin.

----------------------------------------------------

my mind is now starting to spin.
searing pain, but i can't feel.
if i won't love myself, who will?
mirror, he's now out to ****.

reflections of his memory—
as twisted as it could be.
that wicked boy in front of me,
mirror, can you help me see?

into the ground, i slowly fall.
see those red drops as they fall?
i am the weakest of them all,
mirror, mirror on the wall.

a vast orange fissure opens in the face of the earth.
the sky—a mirage of blue and orange—portends darkness.
the canyon, in its grandeur, is nothing more than
a tessellation of orange and black from shadows of unknown.

a measly being stands alone, right by a hungry cliff.
clueless, you are accompanied by aimless tumbleweeds.
they seem to be running away from something.
shouldn't you run away from whatever it is, too?

the wind sweeps the barren landscape, devoid of life.
the sun kisses vivid orange rocks and dirt one last time.
you shout to the seemingly-endless expanse of orange,
but you only hear the burning souls shouting in return.

the darkness slowly envelops your field of vision.
whatever is chasing you is now inching by, bit by bit.
the dusk is fast approaching, but you have nowhere to hide
                             ...and so you run, but the cliff is a dead end.

as clear as ice, in night or day
reflecting faintly, a soulful reverie
reminding its presence subtly
dewdrops dripping rhythmically

standing in the way, an invisible wall
trying to reach the distant horizon
of which, birds appear and disappear
like speckles of black in orange canvas

eyes—blank and expressionless
mournfully staring in quietude
of the distant mountains and hills
and clouds floating idly

in monotone silence,
a hand reaches out only to be impeded by a cold caress

the landscape—bleak and barren
a fur coat of white sprawls the horizon
snowflakes silently resting
glinting fulgently with the winter sun

rays of warmth in winter air
the sun caresses like mother's love
azure skies like paint on canvas—
as untainted as a daughter's heart