there, it pierced my skin.
blood gushes out like fireworks in the night sky.
the pain gave me the life i've been longing.
years of existential dolor, culminating to this.

the sharp, searing pain.
demons in my brain—expunged at that moment.
sordid as you may call me, i have never felt more alive.
how much more is the blackout that follows this?

i want more of this.
the frissons of excitement that i feel in every drop.
i faint to the exhileration, but not before i smear
the tears of red on my face, the floor, my body.

i am now an effigy.
a mannequin, go burn me now and i'll cherish
every single moment of my flesh searing
as i languish in pain, but with a boisterous laugh!

i wanted pain.
life never gave me pleasure—the rapture of being alive.
all it gave me were the torment of misadventures.
i longed pain for so long, i'll savor every drop.

more. i yearn for more.
my visual blackouts are nearing, and the darkness—
it's waiting for me like a long lost brother, unseen.
i am ready to devote myself to a new life.

stop.
i don't want this.
nothing waits for me but an eternal darkness.
the void of which i'll spend the whole eternity.
it's too late.

i hear the door open.

my mom winces in shock.
she lets out a piercing shout
as painful as a bulldozer crushing me into splinters.

didn't you want this?
you've had a vehement yearning for liberation
for so long.
stop
you have no place in this world.
you are a nonentity in this world.
no i'm not
your life is nothing but an illusion.
mom, i'm sorry

the darkness envelops my vision into jet black.
i can no longer think.
what have i done
my brain is shutting down.
mom, i'm sorry

goodbye.

27/09/2018