"It's okay if you don't love me anymore
Sometimes I don't love me either,
I just..." choked laugh "...need to know
That you are still breathing"
Tears begin to roll as my voice shakes
Violently threatening to be heard through
The speaker,
That is if he listens
"I miss you,
I love you"
Those choked laughs start up again
"I really do and I am so sorry
I'm sorry I'm selfish and I'm
Sorry I don't always put your needs and desires
First
But I need you to know just how much I love you
Please call me
Text me
Anything
I just need to make sure you're still breathing"
*Because it's becoming hard for me to do so

All day as I walk around town
Around school
Around life
All I breathe in is hate and anger

It rolls around in my lungs
And chokes me violently just
Like when I tried smoking with my
Cousins who told me they hated the addiction

And honestly, I don't want that
So I exhale love because
I can't continue to add pain to
This world that is bleeding with a need

We need to be focusing more on
Building each other, not taking us down
And we need to acknowledge that our
Self health is only as healthy as the things we say

Our words are reflections of
How we view ourselves
We need to remember that it okay to
Walk away and put ourselves first sometimes

We cannot please everyone
Nor can we save the entire world
But oh my ****
If we can't try by way of love

Isn't it funny that
Hookers and religious activists
Stand on parallel corners
Of the same street?

If a boy says "I love you"
He's probably an *******

Don't you think it's just a bit funny that
Maybe you could have liked me had she not
Waltzed about with her perky ***** and flawless
Life hiding under ten pounds of ***** rouge because
For a while that's what I called her not because I truly
Believed that was what she is but only out of the thoughts that
If not for her I'd still have a chance don't you think it's the least
Bit hilarious that as soon as your relationship began our
Friendship seemed to have disappeared and now
I'm stuck here regrettably in love with you and
Leaving class the second you walk in  if only
Because I begin to panic with anxiety and heartbreak my
Heart is broken because of you and I spend hours
Awake crying when I really should be sleeping but
I suppose this is the way of the world but you should know
That if this is you exhibiting your godliness then
I don't want to know your god because he seems
Cruel and partial and mean to those
Who were not born into his beliefs and if I was
Created in his image then **** I want to
Die because you're not the nice man I thought
You were but merely a teenage boy

Dear Karma,
Thanks for being on my side
Dear Universe,
Thanks for remembering your laws
Dear Friends,
Thanks for being wrong
Dear Lies,
Thanks for harboring false hope
Dear Truths,
Thanks for carrying me back to shore
Dear Anxiety,
It'll be okay soon enough
Dear John,
Thanks for leading me on
Dear John,
Thanks for proving me right
Dear Charlotte,
Please treat him right

I thought someone like you
Could never like someone like me
So I didn't want to cave in
Didn't want to feel anything for you
But then you outstretched your hand
So I placed mine there
I didn't think you'd be weaving our fingers together
I thought coloring was just
A normal day in the neighborhood
"I want this one"
You leaned over my paper,
Pointing at that zing sag scarf
"To be red and green,
Like Christmas"
I didn't realize our chairs were touching
I thought it was an accident
That our thighs were together too
I thought an invitation to
Church was an act of discipling
And that you wouldn't be too
Bummed if I couldn't make it today
I thought someone like you
Could never like someone like me
But hey,
I guess I thought wrong

Innocent songbird
Keep singing sweet sorrows
Keep whistling lullabies
The cage they're erecting
Can't keep you in
Can't tie you down
O! innocent songbird
They can clip your wings
Trim your claws
But how stupid are they
Thinking you are a pet
A prize for cheap pay
Innocent songbird
They've not yet realized
Everything they are doing
Can't **** your singing
They don't understand
The words of a man
Are much more powerful
Than the laws of the land

Sweetened cereal
Rolled out corn
In funny shapes
Fills my mouth
And excites my tongue
This cereal that has witnessed
My whole life
Has no clue what
Impact it still makes
It takes me back to
A simpler place
Deep inside my soul
Where innocence roams freely
And love surrounds my bones
I did not bleed blood when I fell
But instead I merely bled
Faith
Maybe that's why I am
Where I am
Today

If I had known beforehand
That falling in love
And ending up heartbroken
Were synonymous
I wouldn't have taken the jump

She was told
Only she controls her heart
No one can take that away
Always choose love
Never choose hate
Always choose kindness
Never choose mean-spiritedness
She was told
Only she controls her thoughts
No one can take that away
Always think positively
Never look down upon others
Always be uplifting
Never take what isn't yours
What she wasn't told
Was that these thoughts
These morals
Were not her own
And therefore contradicted everything
Her mother raised her to believe
She chose love
She chose kindness
She choose optimism
She even chose happiness
But she didn't choose the consequences
Of ending up heartbroken
Bullied
Ridiculed
She just wanted to make the world
Better
And it tore her apart

I am most definitely an agnostic
With interest in conversion
...
But I am also a human
With an interest in him
...
So I agreed to go discuss religion
Even with a third party addition
...
Over stereotypical American coffee
Lacking nutrition but filling with happy
...
I listened to testimonies of growing up Christian
I think they forgot about my religious disposition
...
At the end they both prayed
And he was wishing I'd stay
...
I guess I'll be in pews on Sunday holding his hand
But really I'd do anything to hold it again

There's certainly an uncertain beauty
To that woman made of glued together pieces
It's encouraging and heartbreaking
To see her strengthen while tears are streaming
Easily one can feel uneasy while witnessing,
To hear her soul becoming
There's certainly an uncertain beauty
To that woman made of glued together pieces

There's a fearless trepidation
Filling that man on the corner
An insignificant sign of significance
Pours from his eyes, flooding the streets with meaning
Perfectly imperfect is his brokenness
Which lays on the external inside
There's a fearless trepidation
Filling that man on the corner

There's a balanced imbalance living
Within a girl constructed of tears
There's late sleepless early nights
Where the broken try to fight
It's optimistically pessimistic where
Her mindset as been placed
There's a balanced imbalance living
Within a girl constructed of tears

A white man on his ivory horse
Knock, knock, knocks on your doorstep
He is a gentleman, but his patience is short
Without permission he'll walk in to take your breath
He means no harm, for he is not rude
It's only an occupational hazard
He won't judge you for your past as
Your soul hugs his waist atop his equine companion
Who carries you,
Draped carefully in clean yet dirtied rags,
And him,
Elegant in armor but soaked in sadness,
Around you glows a light that is about
To be engulfed by darkness
"May your soul be laid to rest"
The beautiful man you know to be your reaper
Whispers as he drops your soul
Into the depths of a heretical hell

It's finally here
My favorite month of the year
The leaves,
The scent,
The love,
The warmth,
The cold,
All of it swaddles me like a baby blanket
It's glorious
The truth comes out
On the final night
Throughout the month
Celebrations galore
October, October
It means so much more
Than given credit for

I'd just like to take a moment
To acknowledge all the good you pour from your heart
All the love you give without a second thought
I'd like to thank you for remembering
What it was like and for
Reminding me none of this ******* will matter
I want you to know I appreciate
Every single thing that you do
And say
I would like to just say thank you
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for saving me
Thank you for being you
Now you get to be reminded
Because if I know you
I know you'll need to be reminded
I love you

It's hard to have a voice
When you can barely breathe
It's difficult to speak
When you are being crushed by giants
It's painful to attend
When you feel such fear
It's hard to have strength
When you are wholly belittled
But it's hard to be weak
When you're forced to be strong
It's hard to make sure your makeup won't run
When you face tears every day
It's hard to have hope
When you only see hell
It's a struggle to admit
When you're being bullied
And know you can't help yourself

I didn't know it was possible
To be scared of a class
To not feel safe simply because
Your every opinion is
Torn apart
Either you are too smart
Or too dumb
No happy medium

Don't wear the white skirts
The white underwear
The white dress
The white pants
Unless you want red splotches
Oh you, want to look cute today
You aren't expecting me for another week
Here, let me ruin this for you
*****, you wanna go?
Okay, who has the ****** pills?
...the what...?
Ibuprofen!
****** just hand it over
And the blood just keeps flowing
Also, how the **** did someone determine
The average of
1 teaspoon of blood loss per month
Actually, I don't wanna know
So sorry I forgot to get pregnant
Now Mother Nature has to be a ****
Oh wait, that's what's causing this pain
.
.
.
******* girl problems

the last time is the first time
but the first time is not the last time
i called again
for help
for strength
but received none
because my call
sounds like a single drop of water
hitting a swinging fan
that screams like
swinging axe blades
i am voiceless in a world of noiseness
so i must scream and holler
but still no one would hear a single thing
because if it was my idea
it becomes their own
and i am left behind

Body splashing
Heart pounding
Throat gurgling
Mind sputtering
.
.
.
*But it will be okay, eventually

Is much more difficult than I imagined
I thought I could just look in a mirror
But when I did that
I just saw all the people I have ever known
It was horrifying
I saw the memories eating at my face
Pulling my skin apart
Like ribbon
I saw them placing their own characteristics
In place of mine
If that's who I am them I'm ready for change
I know there is more to me in this world
Than memories and reflections
So I went to the river
I dipped my toes in as the storm approached
And the current pulled me under
I fought with all I had
But I can't swim
Instead I choked on those particles of lies
That had started to create me
Blackness swelled in my vision which was almost non-existent to begin
When I could see again
I was on the bank of the river just a half mile from where I had been
But that's the thing
I travelled that half mile
And I survived
The facades built did not

I have heard and seen it all
In the high school girls' bathroom stalls
Somebody's boyfriend loves them
But only if they "take it in the ****"
Somebody believes herself to be
Strong like the ocean
Another wishes someone would just **** her already
Someone has just given up
Their "vandalism virginity"
Someone really enjoys spurting male anatomy
Some girl cuts herself just to feel something
Another one forces the food up her throat
Every time she eats
I, too, am guilty of writing in ink
"I am broken, but don't want to be fixed"
"All you need is faith, trust, and a little gay lust"
"I'm ready to shoot myself"
I've added to that petty hottie list
And I've dented the wall with a fist
A time or two before
But this isn't about me
It's about the honesty
The opening up
That only comes with anonymity
In the high school girls' bathroom stalls

Don't play Russian roulette with a full chamber

Why don't you dig that ***** a little deeper
Drive it into my heart
Pierce me straight on through
But darling it don't hurt like it used to
I'm a big girl
That is so extremely fake
Barbie might be jealous
You are the cause for that but
Like I said
It don't hurt like it used to
Then again,
I don't love like I used to either

I sat upon my bench so black
So battered
So lonely
My brother sat in the chair to my right
To my consciousness
To my awareness
On his way out I asked him to **** the lights
**** the distractions
**** the white noise
And I sat in the dark after opening that dusty lid
Sleek lid
Smooth lid
And there were my emotions
Poured out into my foot and flighty fingers
I closed my eyes to deepen my thoughts
To clear my mind
And for the first time in a long time
I felt my soul being touched
Being warmed
Being remembered
I prayed outloud as the strings of the piano
Reflected the strings of my heart
I allowed the tears and mascara to freely run
And the anger to burn fiery red
Fading into an abusive purple
Melting into a blue depression
And finally waltzing into yellow hope
Splattered with a foxtrot of grey forgiveness
In the dark basement
All alone tonight
I found myself again
"I thought you were lost"
"I wasn't lost, you just needed to search"
Fortisitisimo might have sounded like truth
But the most sacred things I've ever learnt
Have been in life's rare
Pianissimo moments

I don't believe in gender roles
Because how are we supposed to societally grow
If we set restrictions on
What can be done and by whom
Simply because of their anatomy?
I don't believe in quitting
Because how is anyone supposed to learn
If we just allow
Giving up on hopes, dreams, goals
Simply because, "it's too hard"?
And yet we make life a cage
Too small even for a canary
Choking ourselves with regulations
And stereotypes
Striking fear into our own hearts
We live in the land of *******
Where we claim
We can be whatever we want to be
And do anything we set our minds to
Yet here we are
Not much further along in our
Backwards thoughts
That originated pre oppression
Amd long before we boarded the Mayflower

Hatred, it seems, is plaguing my lungs
And dramatically piercing my tongue
I am hopelessly confused:
Where do these bullet shaped words come from?
What is the purpose of this deadly
Thought constructed weaponry that spills
So effortlessly from my oral cavity?
Why is it that I allow the calvary to permeate
My filter solely designed to avoid anguish?
Am I compensating for the damage inflicted upon me?
Compensating for the time I so willingly gave
To fuel my addiction to consistency?

Can I say, "******, this suffering is enough!"?

Hope, it seems, ****** my mind
With its irritating relentless plea for attention
Attention I must provide
If only because I the cry for notice
All too well; like the back of my hand
Because in a world so fueled by hate,
So fueled by the concept of good always ending
We all need to be seen
A pain of the past causes too many pains
For the future, but
Even when it seems impossible
A chin will be lifted by a hand that whispers,
"I see you
And I hear"

I am told
And I want to believe
You are everywhere
And you are everything
But lately
As I have been losing sanity
I've lost sight of you
Where are you now?
Isn't there beauty in the thought
Of madness
Rushing in a bubbly river
Boiling over the banks
Of my mind
There's a certain peace
That comes with the concept
Of going bonkers
But Poetry, I can't find you
It's driving me up a hall
And down a wall
Twisting and turning
Every time I think I found you again
The door slams on my pinky
And my eyes flood with crazy
In losing my mind
And I need you to find me
Because
****** Poetry,
Where did you go?

Bee
Bounce
House
Fun
Run
Sun
Tree
Look
Boy-- just like you--
Book
***
Play--you love to play don't you--
Ball
Garden
Sit
Kite
Friend
Now listen Little Man Four,
Friend is one of the most important words
You will ever know
You have friends at preschool right?
Well, you see, when you go to kindergarten
You're going to make even more
And eventually all these friends
Will carry you through the rest of life
Remember the words "play" and "fun"
Because along the road of life
You'll need to enjoy yourself plenty
"Bounce"around with your friends
Even if they are imaginary
Throw a "ball" in the "garden"
Watch out for the flowers and the "bees"
"Run" in the "sun" every chance you get
Because I hate to say it but
Little Man Four, you won't always be able to
"Sit" by a "tree" and fly your "kite"
Or "look" at a "book"
And when you're tired
You can go to sleep in the "house"
Right now the world is at your fingertips
You're learning to read
And count
And write
Little Man Four,
Always remember, it is you
Who is in charge of your life

The demons that possess my past
Hold their strongest clasp
Causing my turning and tossing
Drawing from me gasps
Searching for refuge in a happy thought
That has not yet been devoured
Is like sitting in a witch's caldroun
Hoping to not be boiled over
All these skeletons have been adding up
And the closet doors no longer shut
I'm trapped and I can't breathe
My heart is racing
My mind twice as fast
Somebody help me before I pass

Easy targets make for great alibis
Because the fear stricken in their hearts
Will make them say any lies
Easy targets make for great playthings
You can't help but to manipulate their minds
Tugging on their marionette strings
Easy targets make for great alibis
Because they choke when they try
To utilize their own voice

You swear up and down
Happiness is false
And hope is nonexistent
But I don't think you've yet realized
What is right across your face
They walked into the room
And we all felt a shift in your mood
They didn't even notice you
But a glance was enough for a pause in pretending
You act badass and moody
But this isn't some movie
Where you can hide in a corner
And fall in love and be fallen in love with
And even if that happens
I guarantee it won't bring you together
So straighten up
Go and talk to them because there's always a shot
Tell me though
I am taking this too far
Or was that a smile I saw?

There ain't never been an ego like yours
And sometimes it's due to fear or raisin'
But I can't blame your mama for this one
It ain't your daddy's fault either
This time it's definitely you
But that's all water under the broken bridge now
I won't ever stop believin' in these dreams that you chase
Because maybe one day you'll see
All your anger and angst
Was silly but necessary
Because it got you here today
Everyone believes in somethin'
Be it a religion, Fate, luck, or a person
And of all people, hunny, you need
A lot a believin'
Ain't nobody ever thought you'd fail in life
Mostly 'cause you scare the hell
Out of us all
But I ain't scared no more
Because I know you
And I know it's just an act
So come on home and we can set
All quarrels aside
And darlin',
Bless your soul

Every time I see you
You're stronger than I remember
And I thought I had torn you down
I'll have to fix that

You seem taller
More confident
What's gotten into you
Since we last met

What the hell is this
You've never fought back
I was going to make you worthless again
I don't understand

Okay okay
You win, now *******
Yeah, sure whatever, I'll leave you alone
But remember what I helped create

You've got guts kid
Even I can't argue that

You're addicted
You're addicted
To this never ending rage
You don't get it
You don't get it
I'm not a ******* game
But you can't help it
You can't help it
When I roll 'round in your brain
You're just a puppet
You're a puppet
To my nicotine ways

So do as I say
And I won't let you down

Burn me at midnight
Let my poison fill your lungs
I'm only here to **** you
And oh **** is it fun
Douse me at daybreak
You ignorant fool
Didn't your mama ever tell you
Not to go smoking with the moon
You shouldn't have lit me up
In the first place
Because now I control your brain

You keep trying
You keep trying
But you keep getting nowhere
You're still hiding
You're still hiding
Your midnight smoke wears
You think lying
You think lying
Will change what you've become
You're still dying
You're still dying
Look what I've done

So don't do as I say
And go for your dreams

Burn me at midnight
Breathe in my drug
Inhale my death sentence
Like you're on the chopping block
Douse me at daybreak
You're **** out of luck
Didn't your mama ever tell you
Not to go smoking with the moon
You shouldn't have bought me
To start with
Now you're no longer here

I glow fire red
My *** sticks out of your mouth
You breathe in my lies
And exhale yourself
You must not have realized
That what you bought
Wasn't just me
But a ticket to toothless
Breathless
Cancerous
Lies
And a direct flight to hell

So

Burn me at midnight
And stomp out your life
The jury finds you guilty
You gave me the keys
Douse me at daybreak
Stomp on my friends
Throw out the lies you've been livin in
Didn't your mama ever tell you
Not to go smoking with the moon
Apparently not , but you'll see the mistake soon
Burn me at midnight
Douse me at daybreak
You shouldn't have bought me
In the ******* first place

Don't burn me at midnight
Douse me at daybreak

Angry full of fear
Hiding in a shell composed of
Bitchitude and ****-yous
Just so afraid that love could never exist

Still fearful but not threatened
More self cognizant
Grown and shapen
Molded into **** well told you sos

Wrist slashing
Head bashing
Shot downing
Second hand high hounding

Poetry slamming
Novel pounding
Music writing
Run sighting

Broken mess
Seventeen hundredth choice
Self hating
******* in the making

Confident
Stitched together
High held chin
Knowledge of worth

My oh my
Have I come a long way
From just six months ago
Even if I didn't start changing
Until just three weeks ago

You never gave a ****
Even when I loved you
But you're one hell of an actor
You had me believin'
Everything would be okay
And took it from my right to breathe
And now I'm suffocating
Tryin' to get you erased
My heart, it's screamin'

I could have loved you forever
Unconditionally
But then you went and ******* me over
Almost abusively
If not for circumstances I would try to get you back
But seeing as the circumstance is me
And I'm done playing games
Just know
I could have loved you forever

You won't hurt me again
Because now I'm guarded
There's no way you can get to me
So the story goes
Hidden deep within me
Is a soul strong enough to survive
And now I'm suffocating
Fightin' for the air I breathe
My tears, they're streamin'

I could have loved you forever
Unconditionally
But then you went and ******* me over
Almost abusively
If not for circumstances I would try to get you back
But seeing as the circumstance is me
And I'm done playing games
Just know
I could have loved you forever

It's my time now though
And your time to go
You're not welcome back here anymore

I could have loved you forever
Forever
Unconditionally
But I know I'll find better
Good enough for me
If not for circumstances I would try get you back
But seeing as the circumstance is

I could have loved you forever
Unconditionally
But then you went and ******* me over
Almost abusively
If not for circumstances I would try to get you back (try to get you back)
But seeing as the circumstance is me
Just know
I could have loved you forever

Forever baby
I could have loved you forever

Free samples don't live here anymore
Can't you see the walls are boarded up
Did you miss the no trespass sign
Well, I don't care
This bar is closed
I don't sell to you anymore
You can take your life somewhere else
But I thought you could read
You can't tell me you miss me
Because I'm telling you, I'm glad you said goodbye
So leave and don't come back
I'm not a revolving door for you to use
As a way to empower yourself
Even if I were
I'm out of order

I want to be picked up in
One of his cars
Preferably the Chevy truck
With a smile 'cross his mug
Saying how long he's been waiting to see me
Even though it's only been a few hours
I want butterflies to destroy my stomach
And I want him to take my hand
As he drives like it's always been that way
I want to go to his favorite restaurant
And let him order for me
Because he knows what's good and what I like
I want him to look up at me while we're eating
And tell me there's something
Right...
Right...
There and kiss me
Not passionately, just a peck
I want him to take my hand confidently
Then open my side door and kiss me again
I want him to drive aimlessly for miles
Throw the car in "park" randomly
Lean over, tossing his seatbelt to his door
And kiss me over and over and over
Until our lips are entirely beestung
I want him to take me to the movies
And allow me to watch the film
Clasping my hand through its entirety
I want him to walk me out of the theaters
Pick me up and spin me around
Making me feel like a girl
I want him to stop some place sketchy
But with a florist around the corner
I want him to kiss me again
Before he gets out and locks all the doors so I'm safe
I want him to come back with a bouquet
Of red tulips with a note that reads:
"See, I remembered"
I want him to tell me he loves me
I want him to grin while I sob lightly
Then gently kiss my tears away
Tenderly wiping them from the planes of my face
I want you to feel proud and know my love
I want you to drive me home
Holding my hand the whole way there

Why should I fear oblivion
When I'm terrified of you
Sure, I've no clue what lay ahead
In the realm of shots in the dark
But with you
It's an endless loop of suffering
We talk
I love
You leave
I break
We talk
I love
You leave
I break
Over and over
As though it's been set
In a washing with memories
And longing
At least with oblivion
I understand that things are different
To expect nothing
Because everything can change
But you're human
You're not a monster
Because monsters are my friends
You're human and you cannot help
But to repeat history
I obviously can't either
But I don't want to fall under your riptide
Ever again
I want to jump heart first into oblivion
Take shots at nothing
And fail
But have the chance of succeeding
With you there is no changing
I could have loved you forever
But I hate shapes
And darling you're a circle comprised of
Pain, lust, and evil
I'm in love again
This time though
It's with void space
And infinite shapeless possibilities

You have got to stop
Rushing head first into every little spark
Because sometimes they don't exist
And even when they do
You always end up hurt
I know you don't want to hear this
But just listen
Pull up the emergency brake
The next time you think about falling in love
Because that in itself is wrong
Completely, utterly, ridiculous
You shouldn't be thinking about falling in love
You seem to mistake the gas pedal
For the floor brake
You don't cohesively use left and right
It's like you don't know they could work together
So I am begging you
If you aren't going to use the full power of braking
Taking a heart recess
Then act like you are just beginning
Be terrified and brave
Gently press the gas
Not to hard
And if you start speeding
I'm go to pull your heart's emergency brake
Because whiplash in love
Is awful
Concessive hearts don't beat right
And a broken heart is always caused by
A heart not braking