september 14, 2009
10:13 pm
why is the garage door shut? i cant get in
your phone must be dead my messages wont go through

september 14, 2009
10:15 pm
i can hear the car running in the garage oh god oh god i called an ambulance butm my fingers arree shakingi you have to be okay dont

september 15, 2009
11:27 am
i opened the garage and you were sitting there with a tube running into the drivers seat and why did you ******* do this you cant you wouldnt you shouldnt this isnt real none of this is real

september 17, 2009
3:04 am
babe, i miss you
i miss you so much i cant take it

september 17, 2009
3:07 am
they havent shut down everything yet its only been three days
how has it only been three days

september 19, 2009
11:17 pm
your funeral was today (i didn’t cry)

september 29, 2009
12:23 pm
did it hurt? i need to know if i should join you but i dont want it to hurt because im scared, im too scared
im scared of the fact that ill never see you smile again
i love you. did i tell you that enough? i dont think i did

october 17, 2009
1:39 am
YOU SELFISH ******* *******, ITS BEEN A MONTH AND IM STILL HERE AND YOU STILL ARENT HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
I FOUND YOU, YOU ******* *******. SITTING IN THE CAR IN THE GARAGE WITH THE ENGINE RUNNING. DID YOU WANT ME TO SEE YOU LIKE THAT BECUASE ILL NEVER FORGET IT ,,,,,
mayvbe ive benee drinnking a litlter morre than mnusula but yoi shouldve let me comem with hoyu becaussee youre my hnhome and evertyone think sims  insanen i just miss you msoo much comee hooome to mew

october 31, 2009
7:01 pm
its halloween and im going alone this year
why do i have to go alone

november 24, 2009
2:24 am
i had a dream that you were making me dinner and you gave me a spoonful of something tomato-y and we were laughing and dancing in the kitchen and you kissed me but your lips dissolved into paper and your skin slid off into a puddle on the floors and the walls collapsed around me but i could still hear your voice telling me everything was okay
when i woke up my lips tasted like tears and i couldnt breathe

december 2, 2009
3:36 am
you cant be dead on my birthday
last year we had a picnic in the park and drank macchiatos and you told me a story about the magician you had at your birthday party when you were seven and barely tall enough to see over the table he was doing tricks on
you cant be dead on my birthday you cant

december 24, 2009
10:17 pm
christmas eve was ****** without you
i hope its better wherever you are

december 25, 2009
9:03 pm
christmas day was also ****** without you
how do i get rid of this ******* headache

january 3, 2010
4:19 am
how do i do anything when everything we did together is laced with arsenic?
******* for taking away my favorite places
******* for taking away my favorite bands
******* for taking away everything

january 10, 2010
8:56 am
your pillow doesnt smell like you anymore

january 17, 2010
5:49 pm
this is so pathetic im still sending you messages its been months
my eyes should be dry by now

january 22, 2010
7:08 am
did you know that your mom called me crying yesterday because she found your old baseball trophy in the attic and we cried over the phone together and its the closest ive felt to you in ages and ages but it slipped away through my fingers faster than quicksand

january 25, 2010
3:45 pm
i almost took a whole bottle of pills and slit my wrists last night but you were standing above me whispering to me and i couldnt do that to you even though you did it to me first

february 4, 2010
1:01 am
was this my fault? did i do this to you? i warned you that i was broken but you pieced me back together with strands of moonlight and i wish i wouldve seen how bad you were hurting before you stepped off the edge

february 6, 2010
6:36 pm
i hate you

february 7, 2010
4:49 am
i could never hate you
you know that
my head is pounding

february 27, 2010
12:32 am
happy anniversary sweetheart
*message failed to send
recipient account terminated

there are a million stars and half a million gas stations between you and me but that doesn’t equal distance. day breaks, day shatters into evanescent pieces that float on the edge of my conscious mind, but you are the constant. your eyes the color of ground hazelnuts have always been my constant.

it doesn’t matter that we are separate beings because, here, in the light of a setting sun and a milky twilight, we are one. we are melted together like hershey kisses in a bowl on a summer evening and worry is not a word and slowly, you become my kryptonite.

missed phone calls, missed deadlines, missed laughs. i used to count your sneezes in the biting chill of early february and wrap your arms around my waist so i could feel like something was keeping my balloon from flying into the void where lost balloons go. i blame myself for letting you hold on until i finally took flight, spreading my wings out behind me like an angel's and kicking the invisible dust into your face.

now there are two million stars and a million gas stations between us because i am trying to forget that you ever broke the carefully crafted walls that contained all of my closeted skeletons.

i’m starting to remember why i never liked hazelnuts.

i am a mess of broken strings and branching neurons that will never quite reach their intended purpose and i am a creature that loves like arsenic. i am curling flames that make their way into your heart and nest there with no intention of ever leaving and this is my problem; i never know when it is time to take my inhibitions and my shortcomings and get on a bus that will drop me off in your left ventricle, where i can smooth out my broken pieces and start again. i am a bird who can't fly and relies on others to take me up into the clouds because my potential overshadows my reality and i have never learned to escape mediocrity as it chases me onto a dead end street. i am all parts and no wholes; i am all fragments that won't fit together and no amount of glue will repair my shattered sense of self or my crippled brain that loves so intensely it drives people away. i am a line so long i can't even begin to look for the front so i settle into waiting and let it become my personality, let it become my everything because here is now and there is then and the timeline of my life has never been a straight line; it has always been a zigzag of humanity that folds back in on itself despite my mumbled protests. i am not a phoenix - when i have burnt to ashes i do not wish to be reborn because i have always been a loaded pistol and embers don't mix with gunpowder (i know this because i have been an inevitable explosion since the day my mother first held me in her arms). i am a surplus of pride and shame in the form of hidden tears and crumpled papers but i have always been older than my years and the anomaly in me has never been extinguished; maybe this is why when i look down at myself, i see only marks and freckles and imperfections instead of the blinding glare of my rattled soul. i am Hiroshima with its enormous power (too great to be contained) that dissolves my judgment into fine white powder and scatters it over dead soil like a twisted mosaic on a mottled canvas. i am poison - you will know this part of me if you reach past my organs into my core where my fears rest, if you get too close for comfort and my electric fence of a heart shocks you back. i am a being that never learned to love the right way so i love all the wrong ways and if you get caught in my crosshairs from where i stand above, you should run. i never learned how to escape myself, or my arsenic heart, and this is my problem. this will always be my problem.