You rip me at the seams,
And make me more tattered than before.
How dare you wear me down,
And not be punished.
And how dare you not give me a second chance,
And just toss me out.

Some people keep things, and renew them.
You kept me but only until i was no longer what you wanted.
You cut and tore, you bleached and stretched me.

You toss me out

But i sit here hoping someone picks me up
And makes me beautiful.
I hope someday someone will patch up my tears,
And dye all my stains my very favorite color.
I hope someday i keep somebody warm.

This is all i have to offer,
Affection, but with boundaries.
Nurture, but limited.
And it is not because of you, but because of the others before.
That is all i have to offer, because i am terrified.
I am terrified to love someone selflessly again.
I am stuck between feeling selfish, and scared.
Am i selfish to not open myself up the way people want me to, or am i just caring for myself first?

I will no longer let the crimes of those who hurt me be silenced.
To the boy who took my virginity.
I was only 12, and you knew this.
I had never drank before, and you knew this.
But that didn’t stop you.
To the older men who took advantage of a young, intoxicated girl,
You still inflict goosebumps when the memories come.
To my mother,
I know it wasn’t your fault the man you chose to date after dad had left, beat you.
And i know that's hard to deal with.
But watching those crystals in a baggie slowly empty and enter your lungs was when you hurt me.
To the boy who abused me,
I loved you. And that’s where i was trapped.
Congratulations, you got what you wanted.
Forever control of my thoughts and self worth.
To me,
You continue to put yourself down, and you will never survive if it continues.

A combustion of fire behind my eyes, your lips hold and cling to mine, with our hands bound and intertwined. We are scared, and have been since the beginning, these people all around, kick us down while they are grinning.
And as our heads are spinning we look for the one who we can hold all the way, one day to see the sun. To one day to see the light that they say we need to find, but it is hard to search when people carry a knife, closely behind. I can see dear you are scared, and petrified am i, but no one seems to hear our outcry and we both don’t understand why. I see that this place is not so kind, but oh my love, all you can do, is trust your hand in mine.

Yes, doing drugs does mess your head up. Unfortunately, i vaguely remember one of the best memories i've ever made. My first date, and kiss. I was 12, and i had a boyfriend named jakob. That’s a whole other story to write.

It was rainy out that day, but hot. Texas weather can be beautiful. We were going to a movie tavern, to see the horror movie “Carrie”. I really wanted to see it, and he obviously didn't, but did anyways. 30 minutes had gone by, and i was so into the movie i didn't see he was staring at me until i looked at my hand, it hurt because i had been fidgeting subconsciously. He grabbed my hand, and my heart started to race. My thought was.. “ this is what it's like.” I'm smart, and sneaky. I pretend that the arm rest was hurting my side, so i put it up; knowing he’d try to put his arm around me. He did. I looked at him, lord have mercy. His eyes, icy green. His eyes always had a tendency to absolutely melt me. His hair, black. This dark haired, light eyed, tall boy is holding my hand and for once i felt normal. I felt like i belonged. Keep in mind, i was young and this was years ago. And i didn’t realize what i had in front of me, and it hurts to cherish it more and more as the years go by. Im 15 now, Life is hectic. But when i think about that time in my life, everything stops. I don't know why, but it feels safe.

The tragic part of this is, distance. Do you know what it feels like, to be so hurt, shaky hands, tragic thoughts, and the only way to get comfort from the person you love is over texting. Words. I look at the bold black words, but it being only letters on this device in my hand does not feel the same as us being intertwined.

I enjoy getting so ****** up out of normal consciousness, By ****** up, i mean ******. Or when its 2:34am and i wake up, and take a sleeping medication and sit outside to enjoy the silence. This is the quietest part of my day, I’m so out of it that my brain doesn’t move at the speed of a train, that doesn’t stop, but you’ve got motion sickness. I sit outside in this small town, where hardly a thing happens. I listen to the absolutely nothing i adore. My cigarette is half gone, and my nose is dripping but its freezing of course. After all, it is 30 out. But again, I’m ******.

you try and get closer and show me affection, but i flinch and you notice, that someones hands weren’t as kind as your’s and did not have your good intentions. You ask why i shake in the presence of men, and i hesitate to tell you that every time i shut my eyes in every blissful kiss, i see shattered glass from the window i look through called my perspective. the way i look at love is forever changed, and i will never feel comfort, but oh god do i feel safe with you if that makes any sense. you tell me we have a journey together and out of curiosity i ask what that is, and you tell me it is to make it to the destination without fear of kissing you out of excitement that we finally made it. as our journey continues, the handprints painted on my skin in red start to fade with every kiss you trail down my arms. and as i am looking at what i thought was going to be another sugarcoated tragedy, i realize that you are the rain after the rainbow, you are the healing of my wounds, you are the road i continue to walk, and you are the light that guides me down it. and for that, i am thankful, for i wouldn’t have gotten the best revenge i could plot..
to show that ******* that i can be loved.