Written December 1, 2015

"I feel like I'm having the same conversation with guys
Hi's turn into Bye's
lies in turn make me cry
How am I supposed to summarize all of this into one line?
I'm trying.
'Babe' and "Baby, you're the one'
But have you heard, that one means none when you're blind sided and reminded that there is other's who you'd rather be with?
And you realize, your words are myths, spitting out the syllables you just want me to hear
Pet names are  nothing but music to our ears
The day-to-day conversations from dawn to dusk are intriguing
But when you really look deeply, they're just words with no meaning
A lonely tactic, a feen for something more
Until the conversation closes, for I was a bore
From here it's the same love story, the way it always tends to end
I'll get the last word, press send, and then pretend as if your lack of response doesn't hurt me,
although it's killing me inside
Then I wish upon 11:11 for you to at least come to a compromise
You'll come around the bend again, and I'll try and act strong
But strong just isn't strong enough, I've missed you way too long
The story then repeats itself, a fairy tale no one enjoys
Welcome to your 'happily ever after'
when talking to a **** boy."

Written September 28, 2015

"Behind these walls,
A girl lays crying
Behind closed doors,
She lets her sorrows pour out into the covers and pillow slips
She puts a pillow to her lips and let's out a deep sigh
Wipes her nose on the covers
For she doesn't want anyone to hear her cries
Behind closed doors
She lies awake thinking about why she is this way
Anxieties bounce around her mind like kids on trampolines
Up and down, running around, making  ruckus and lots of sound
To the point where she can't hear anything, but them
'Why won't he text you back?'
'What's wrong with you?'
'Why are you not happy?'
'What's the ******* point?'
Screaming to her like she has a loss of hearing
But trust me, she can hear them just fine
As she tries to block out the noise, they only crescendo into harmonies and off set tones
symphony of sadness is now the soundtrack to her life
And although shes cried 7 times today, I guess that wasn't enough
I suppose you could say her life is getting rough
Behind closed doors,
She lets the tears fall like a running faucet
Behind these walls,
She feels lonely and looks to her comforter for comfort
And behind her deceiving smile,
She is broken"

Written September 27, 2015

"My day to day affiliations
Contain online conversations
Distractions, from face to face complications
And changes
I feel alone yet suffocated at the same time
You see, every time I think about it, it gets me crying
Because I am not meant to feel this way
Having to ask every time I leave "mother may
I" can't believe this predicament I am in
Feeling like I'm a child, no chances to explore the world I am within
But I am lonely
I am so ******* lonely
And I can't do anything but feel these feelings that I have you see, I can't seem to get things off my chest and even when I'm filled up like a balloon ready to burst, no one is there to tie me down
No one is there to listen to my problems and help me reflate the positivity within my mind
Except I
And let me tell you, a negative axis  leads downward ***** and I for one am halfway there
I am sailing away from myself into the waters with no light
I find myself breaking day after day, and one day that boat is going to tip, all the water will sink in and I will not be the same
Traumatized, lies, cries, goodbyes
They haunt me in my sleep
How am I supposed to give into someone's love anymore after all the times I opened up my heart and it was crushed?
Trust is no friend of mine
For all those I thought were reliable, turned to my bad side
So I sit on the floor and cry about another day
And I wonder if there's any way
To make this all go away"

Written September 29, 2015
"She reeks of cigarettes and ***
Her mind is consumed by how the last 3 hours even came to be what they were
You see no two friends can have *** without one falling for another..
And the chosen one in this scenario was her
She always thought he was something
The way his eyes lit up when he smiled at her jokes, the ease he had when he held his cigarette in his hand
And the way he talked about her
Jokes and flirtation hung in the clouds above them, circulating around and each time like lightening the question struck her
"Is he serious?"
Nothing quite stirred the storm like the first night they ******
You see two friends aren't meant to casually hook up
The way he kissed her lips the way he dug his hand so deeply and so passionately behind her back holding a grip on her like he was never going to let go
And the deep conversations that followed made her all the more comfortable around him
Yet, one child should not fall for another
So she leaves, reflecting back realizing it was one of the best nights she's ever had
Yet two friends shouldn't hook up
And she's in denial that this will continue and she soon will further gain her feelings
For him"

Written August 13, 2015
"I am trapped inside a black box
Four walls consume me and I can't comprehend how the locks work
I am too far down to even reach the key
And these black walls that are towering over me are deep and scary
Yet I am comforted by them in so many ways
For these are the walls that are familiar to me
It feels like I am running in a never ending race, the gun continuously fires as I keep going losing my breath and wanting so badly to be done
But it keeps chasing me down like a bad dream coming back
I can't escape this pain.
I cannot escape this mix between reality and anxiety
Depression stands for many things but one thing they don't teach you in school
One thing mothers don't teach their kids
One thing boys aren't told by their dads is how to treat a girl right
How not to spend one night with her and tell her everything is alright when it's not
The ABCs are more complex then you think
*******
Betrayal
Cause of
Depression.
these black walls seem to be inching closer in getting smaller and making me become more at home
What would happen if I tried to harm myself?
Who would care?"

Written July 7, 2015

"10:30 the girl wakes up
11:00 the girl eats breakfast. She's contentious of what she eats for she doesn't want to upset you
Noon, she begins to clean, for she wants her interior to exploit a sense of cleanliness and organization, she does not want you to think low of her
12:30 she begins to hold a iron to her hair, puts on her black eyeliner and begins to shade in all her imperfections
She picks out matching underwear and bra to impress you
She puts on those long socks you like hoping you'll see deeper into the satisfaction she will bestow on you and for you to see deeper into her soul than the depth your **** will fill
1pm the girl gets anxious and self conscious, brushing her teeth every 5 minutes she is scared you're going to be scared off by the smells and odors her natural body gives
1:30 still nothing, as she lays on her bed trying to pass time and calm her nerves. Why is she nervous?? She's done this plenty of times she's had guys come in and out of her life she's had hands rub up her legs and eyes gazing at her chest, she's done this before - with him! She's gone down on her knees begging he will enjoy what she's giving, but maybe, she's begging for a different feeling..one he already denied her of receiving
2:00 the girl is antsy, eyes flickering on and off her blank screen awaiting a text to show up saying "I'm on my way" they now only have 3 hours of intimacy
3:00 her stomach rumbles. She's afraid if she eats she will look fat but if she refuses her stomach will rumble in his presence
Her mind is racing as time ticks on
Do not tell me that a guys puts in more effort
For this girl stayed up late painting her nails deep red hoping you'd think that's **** she sat there cleaning the edges trying to make sure that you could not see the imperfections she originally made
But, that's all this morning has been about..hasn't it?"

written June 16, 2015

"I don't want your tongue between my legs anymore
I want to have the full you, someone I adore
The feelings you give me but ten times more
and I want to feel you deep inside
Not my body but my life
I want to get to know you, the real you, your soul
Deeper deeper baby, right there that
Hole in your chest that makes you cry, I want to know why
and I want to converse with you like our tongues do in bed
Engaging in a language we both understand but I want more
Give me more
I want your eyes to do what your hands do and monitor my body like I'm your property and I want your hand to hold mine
I want cuddles and laughter
And hearts beating faster
Oh dear, I want to be so much more
Than your *** *****
And I don't want your tongue between my legs anymore"