I laugh at the ones who want me,
because I know they'll never love me

fear has ruined me
making it hard
to live a simple life

something has permanently
damaged me
making it okay to hide
from the things
that make me shake

a growing nausea
that I thought Id outgrow
but
I am an adult
and I still cant look
someone in the eye
no matter
how comfortable

they hate me
they love me
I annoy them
I adore them

I am afraid that
no matter how much
I grow
this fear will still be inside
like hot embers
eating away at me

everything about me is sick.
maybe in the rad way i used to be,
or maybe i'm just ill.

there are worse things.
my body could turn on me
while my mind is going sour.

(my soul is rotting you can smell it on my breath.)

my eyes are always open
and life-
it isn't sweet enough.

sweat drips down my spine
and i shiver while someone
whispers hallelujah in the silence.

(i'm sorry but i am no longer a green girl. my leaves are turning brown.)

albert kamus is this
absurd enough for you:
loving and loving, running dry?

everyone says i'm not a waste
of the space
i've been occupying

but i dare not occupy yours.
you are too clean,
and god, am i sick.

I enjoy life,
but
there is a time
when I wish
I could do anything,
but live.

I miss you sometimes.

I miss you,
because I love you,
and I miss you because
I look up to you.

you raised me to be
strong.
you showed me that
I am beautiful.
you are my light.

I thank you for trying,
but
it hurts to look out at
the parents
and not see you smiling:
to not see you at all.

I know you are doing what is best,
but I sometimes
wish
there was a different way.
I miss you.