1.  you're standing in the shower and your lungs burn from crying and everything aches. Red mixes with the water and flows down the drain, you can't tell if its blood or hair dye but you think it might be a mix of the two.

2. you're on top of your best friend, both of your limbs wrapped around eachother as you sob into her shoulder. You haven't been held like this in years. When you mention that you're scared that everyone will keep abandoning you, she reminds you that she won't. Then she makes a stupid joke. You cry more, but this time in a happy way. She holds onto you until you fall asleep.

3. you're sobbing again, this time in front of your brother. He tries to hug you but you push him off, yelling for him to never touch you. He looks hurt and confused. You almost feel guilty for getting satisfaction out of seeing him like that.

4. You're laying down beside a river in the forest, its a hot summer day and the sound of the water and birds singing calms you. You close your eyes and feel the warmth of sunlight. You're pretty sure this is how love is supposed to feel.

Why do we go back to our saddest moments
when we need comfort
Maybe to bathe in tears...
a baptism
of rage
to blow the sides out of sorrow
to come to terms
with helplessness?

To get someone
to hear
maybe to listen
to loss?

There are spiders in the corners of my room
They hide in comfort from their impending doom
They have as much right as me
To stay here too
For I hide here when I cant see the moon
I don't think they will be here long
They seem to come and go
They leave their webs
They leave their homes
We are not that different
Maybe that they know
In time I will be gone too

Imagine that someday, I will be happy
Imagine living not alone
but with an apartment full of roommates
It doesn't matter if they're the people I made promises to
The future is full of empty spaces
waiting to be filled

But god, how I miss them
Everyone
Every single memory
scrolling through her instagram
smiling because she's doing well
I truly hope that everyone is doing okay
I hope that you're all growing up and moving on
more than I am

Someday, I will get better
I have to.

It's a promise I made
On a cold day
Outside in the sunshine
I've talked about it a thousand times
I'll say it again
I will get better

I'll get better
Or so I say
As I bleed my heart out through my thighs
And count all my calories
For the thousandth time
Trembling from my favourite cold
Maybe just one more hospital
I will get better

So I cry in the living room
Reading books about the people
That did make it through
I cry about my future
And all the possibilities
That after all the therapy
I'll be a professional
I'll be one of the ones
Who didn't make it out
I will get better

Face buried in my pillow
Half hoping I wouldn't sit back up again
That I'll suffocate in the sheets
Where he desecrated me
That I'll never have to face
Another day where he looks at me
I will get better

And as we speak
I wonder if you still think about me
Do you see me in the moon
Like I always used to see you
Are you out there, sitting in your yard
Remembering cracked rubber chairs
The smell of disinfectant
The carvings under our desks
The screams muffled behind glass
What if you're dead
Or gone like the rest of them
I will get better

I don't want to save you
I want what we never had
To sit and talk about music
Without all the awkward pauses
I'm sorry for this
Because I'll probably leave you in the end

I bought sunflower seeds and planted them in a little *** on my window sill
I watered and tended to the leaves everyday
Every time the leaves seemed sick or browning
I had to hold back tears as I cut away the rot
Is it weak or dumb of me that I cried?
Like witchcraft I cared for that flower as if it were our love
As the leaves would rot so too did our hearts
As the petals fell so too did your love for me
And in every falling petal
Every cut leaf
Every inch of that flower
I felt you grow farther and farther out of reach from me