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Dear TAC,
DLAP had made me scared enough to the point where I never thought I would love again, and when I finally allowed myself to, the day I told you that my heart would be forever in sync with yours, you pushed me away physically and told me that we were done for good. You broke my heart. It's been a year and you still make an impact on me everyday. That takes talent, and so does being as ignorant as you are. You don't really deserve to be happy because of all the people you've made unhappy but somehow you still get sleep at night.
Dear CM,
You were shy but the funniest person I knew, I must apologize for telling you I wasn't ready, but that was due to TAC. He is the real person that you deserve an apology for. Some days I still wish I would've never given up on you. But you deserve the world, and I believe you'll get that.
Dear EM,
I really did want so much with you.. You made me laugh with your cheesy compliments and your innocent smile. Thank you for being there when I found out what my mother had done. You healed my heart to a certain point and I will be forever grateful for that. Thank you so much for being you and I am so sorry that I told you I wasn't ready as well.. I miss you everyday and I hope sometimes you miss me too.
Dear MC,
I'm really not even sure what we have. There was no romance, only special benefits and little mixture of friendship. I will miss you when you go to college. Sometimes I wish you wanted more with me.
Dear ZD,
I don't even know where to begin. You're everything and nothing all at once. I don't understand what it is. Your voice or your eyes.. your eyes maybe. I thought you were my best friend. Although I had feelings for you, I tried to distance myself because I didn't want you to hurt me. But then you kissed my best friend and you didn't care how it effected me at all. I don't hate you although I would love to make her disappear. I hope only the best for you although you broke my heart.. the little I had left of it.
Dear CL,
I really tried to make you feel like I've been here but the truth is that I am more than beyond lost. My heart has disappeared and now there is just a hole in my chest cavity. I'm sorry that I cannot accept your comfort or let you have my heart the way you let me have yours. You'll make some special girl really happy someday and she will be very lucky. That girl, is not me.
Its scary how words get lost in our bodies but in pure darkness they appear to haunt us forever.
It's hard to close my eyes at night,
Hard not to listen to my screams that echo in my mind over and over,
It's hard to slowly make it to the end of the pool where my feet don't touch,
Maybe because I laid at the bottom of the pool almost lifeless wondering how being asked to go swimming was wrong, wondering how looking like my clueless mother was a sin, how being locked in a room with no food just because you didn't want to look at my face, watching you tear apart my childhood was easy, trying to live the rest of my life without a childhood is hard. But  every time I allow myself to sink to the bottom of the pool, my childhood comes back in flashes, how every man must known what you did to a 4 year old, how many scars I can count on my body that you seemed to think was you claiming what was yours, watching my mother cry her eyes out over her child's brokenness, have you ever seen the moon from the bottom of the pool? Well I can tell you it wasn't the sight a five year wanted to see. But now a 16 year old sees it every time she closes her eyes.
The first time I ever spoke to you was like an over dramatic panic attack. I kept looking at the floor and trying not to stumble over my words, I was shaking all over and trying not to let you notice the deep red shade slowing camping out in my cheeks as you said my name. I felt like a waterfall of cold sweat was poured over me as you asked me different questions. My poor heart couldn't take the high and low speeds you gave me as if you were in control of my stick shift body, you smiled at me as I spoke softly to you in murmurs trying to make sure I wasn't falling into a bottomless pit of stupidity. You kissed my lips and didn't let go that's when the wind was knocked out of my entire body and I felt as if my body was no longer made of muscles and bones but of jello and sticks. But I knew as soon as I heard your heartbeat that it was burned into my soul. My breathes didn't follow with my lungs but with yours, I couldn't see anyone but you. No matter who it was, no matter where was. All my eyes seen was you. My ears only listened to your voice, my hands only reached for your shaking body.
No one falls in love with same. But I can try to explain what it's like for me everyday.
at 7 years old,
I watched silently as the universe gave out and fell around my ankles
there were no elegant stars dancing
or galaxies moving in bright spirals
it was just a morbid hole of darkness that had an odd sense of beauty
it pulled me in the way Gatsby pulled Daisy in for their last dance
there were no flowers in my hair or sparkles in my eyes
there were blood stains on my favorite shirt and haunting scenes behind every blink
now every time I close my eyes
the demons follow me or
he follows me
and I guess you can just never
escape darkness
What am I?
Who am I?
Am I the bird flying or the mossy floor below?
Questions to be answered yet left behind
Feeling lost in the sea of unknown
These thoughts, emotions I'm at a lose
Am I questioning too much?
Thinking alittle too much?
Trapped in my world of wanting more yet receiving less than desired
My mind seeming empty yet full as I look out unto the sea chaos in this place
My wandering soul slowly fading, my words in the emptiness of obscurity
Blurring my reality with questions I can not answer
Am I here or there?
Am I a ghost unseen or simply barely living?
These thoughts, feelings
Calling out from the dark waiting to be  heard
If I carved the words "I love you"
into every inch of my skin,
would you believe them?
Would you believe me?

If I painted a picture of my heart
with the very blood that it pumps,
would you cherish it?
Would you cherish me?

If I promised that there was no one else,
that there was only you,
would you accept that?
Would you accept me?
Would you accept me?
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