I'm clingy, but I'll never admit it. I'll check my phone every 5 minutes to see if you've replied to something I've drafted numerous times in my head. I'll get anxious when you don't answer me back for a long time, and I'll think to myself maybe you've had enough of me. Yet when your message finally comes, it doesn't matter what you've said because the simple act of replying assures me that you're still mine. At least, for the time being it will. I'll get jealous a lot, but please don't misconstrue it as me tying you down. I won't get jealous because I want you all to myself, no. I want you to be able to spend time with your family, friends, and everyone else in between. I'll get jealous because maybe, just maybe, you'll find something special in someone else, as you did with me. I'll be weary that maybe you'll look at someone just as how you look at me, or your heart will begin to wander somewhere else.
I'm insecure, and it's of no fault of your own. When I say something negative about myself, it's not a cry for attention nor is it me wanting you to disagree with me. Before you, I'll probably never imagine in a million years that you'd be mine. So by virtue of the fact that we're together makes me even more insecure. But let me make something clear; I won't be bagging on myself all the time. I know what I excel in, what talents I possess, the aspects in my physique that work in my favor, and so on. I'm just more vocal about the things which fall in the opposite categories. I'll possess many faults, and I'm not looking for you to fix them. I think when I finally meet you, I'll be more accepting of these faults than I am now. All I'm asking is that you accept them with me.
I know this letter seems to be focusing on the negative things about me, and it's quite a bit to take in... so let me make a change of pace.
I'll always love you. When we're finally acquainted, and we finally begin to personify the definition of love for one another, I'll never need another definition. I've told myself countless times that I would never cheat on someone because I know what that feels like. I'll love you more than I love myself and I know that isn't too great but that's just how I am. I'm going to fall in love with the way your smile dances across your face every time you see me, I'll fall in love with the way you lose yourself int he things you love, I'll fall in love with the way your voice fluctuates depending on how you're feeling, I'll fall in love with the way you say my name, and I'll most definitely fall in love with you so much more. I'll study everything about you, I'll remember the slightest details about you and your life. I'll know what you look like when you're upset without having to say a word, I'll know how you like your coffee in the morning, I'll know exactly how long it takes you to get ready before we go out, I'll know most of the trivial things about you and the rest I'll learn along the way. I pray you'll be able to do the same as well.
If you're still reading, and you haven't run away... I'll probably be sitting across from you looking insanely nervous and insecure. I'd be sitting with my legs folded under me on the chair anxiously waiting for your reaction. On top of that, I'll probably be ready to burst into tears of happiness or tears of sadness.
So to end this letter, I'd like to say thank you. Thank you for giving me a reason to live again, thank you for proving to me that love really is meant for me, and thank you for being my reason to be alive.

Love,
*Your Future Soulmate

When a boy who leaves goosebumps on every inch of your skin tries to play you his favorite song, don't let him. He'll get stuck in your head and under your fingertips and when he leaves, you won't be able to it without feeling like you're choking.
2. Don't let him touch you all over no matter how much you want to feel him against you. Leave a few spots untouched so that when you're sleeping alone again, at least your left wrist and an inch of your right hip won't sting with the remaining burn of his mouth.
3. Don't let him break your ribs.
4. Don't watch the sunset with him. He'll poison it. You won't be able to look at the sky without swallowing a mouthful of him.
5. Don't mistake wasps for butterflies. Sometimes when you feel your stomach flutter and your hands start to shake, it's pain. Not love.
6. Just because he tells you he loves you doesn't mean he's going to stay, baby.
7. It's okay to delete his number after he kisses the pretty girl he met when he was drunk. It's okay to leave when he hurts you. You don't have to keep falling for him.
8. When he tells you that you're beautiful, try to remember that you were beautiful before him, too.
9. Just because he reads and smokes cigarettes and talks about stars doesn't mean he's your soulmate.
10. After you kiss him, remember to wash your mouth out right away so he doesn't burn into your tongue.
11. He'll kiss you in the rain and take you to little coffee shops He'll brush your hair out of your eyes and kiss your nose. He'll grab your waist and whisper in your ear but six months later you'll find yourself drunk texting him that you miss him, and he won't respond.
12. Your heart is going to break a million times. It's going to feel like the world is falling apart around you. Your lungs will stop working some nights. You find yourself grabbing at your bones trying to hold yourself together. You're going to feel like you're dying. It's going to be okay. You'll find someone else to kiss you goodnight.

I danced 

In black heels 
and white dresses

I let you paint me red

You cut the hem of my dress off 
and sewed the bottom to look like you 
and dyed it blue 
your favorite color.
You asked me to take the dress off, 
and the heels.
You claimed my naked soul 
you laid me down 
and tattooed your name

onto my hips

onto my thighs 

onto my heart 

onto my soul 

you wrote it down 
in permanent ink 
and I let you
, the boy with the paintbrush 
and solemn eyes .
I was your canvas 
and I danced for you 
and I let you paint portraits of me that we’re meant to be shaped as your own self image 
a reflection of what you loved,
but painters get tired of the same canvas 
they get tired of throwing water colors at

White dresses 
and black heels 

They wanted a new canvas 
so you threw me away 
you never washed off the paint
s
do your oil based love a favor 
and get this paint off my body now.

Dear DZ,
You weren't a lover. You were barely a friend. You just said the right things and you were the first boy to make my lips flutter against yours. I thought I loved you, but I was young and naive. Now, you're in a worst position than you were in when we were an item. I wish you the best, you may not deserve it, but I'll say it to be nice.
Dear TA,
I didn't like you. I lied to you. I felt lonely, and you were a sensitive boy that was easy to get to. But, I did lead you to your first and only love. The girl you'll probably be with for the rest of your life, even if it may be short due to the fact that you have go watch your sugar and have medicine pumped into you.
Dear DR,
You were the first boy that made me feel like I had sun rays shining out of the deepest layers of my skin. I felt warm next to you. You were older, and I was still young and naive. I fell for your words, and the way you touched my skin. I was migrating far, but still loving you more every day. One day you whispered in my ear not to get too close so that it didn't hurt so bad when I left. But I still got to close, even when you pushed me away and ditched me for your friends. Now, your dad is my boss and I stare at you in the hallways and wish those pretty lucid blue eyes were my property. Glued to my soul forever.
Dear ER,
You were my first real love. There's a lot to say about you. First of all, you're an *******. I lived in a different state, but I still heard your words and felt your breath on my skin. You were there mentally. When I came back, we spent two hours admiring how perfect we were to each other, now that we'd seen each other. You were everything I wanted, standing right in front of me. But, people change. You grew a couple inches, your voice got deeper, and your soul changed. You aren't the same sweet and funny boy I used to know. Instead, you pretended you were sick and ignored me for weeks. You were only there when you wanted to be. You made me cry for hours, and you watched me suffer in front of you while you took care of my best friend. But, no matter how much you change or how much you say you hate me more than anything, I will always love and remember you. You were my life, and you will be forever stitched to my skin, and your vines intertwined in my ribs. I love and hate you at the same time, it's very frustrating.
Dear LH,
Yes, you were his brother. It's wrong, I know. I've heard it too many times. I gave you my security, and I let you touch me. We spent the night in parking lots, and tip toeing into my room. You kept me alive, then you killed me. And I'll never forget driving your beat up black jeep in the fall. I'm still not sure that I ever loved you. But I sure loved the idea of you being there, lying next to me. You told me, "Baby, it's okay. I didn't leave." Just to show me in the future that you would. Now, all I want to do is spit in your face and yell "*******." You left, far too many times. You ****** my best friend. I let my guard down, right after your own blood had already killed me inside. You were never good enough. I always told myself that I wasn't, but it was the other way. You incompetent waste of space, you deserve nothing.
Dear KMT,
You were a bad boy. I went crazy for you, absolutely crazy. The words you said made me feel again after being nearly too weak to even walk. Thank you, for saving me. I wasn't hurt when you said you just wanted to be friends, I wanted you in my life, lover or not. I know, you needed to get over her. I was okay with that. I'll wait. You came back, you made more promises. And you still keep them. I'll always admire you or that. You're my soul mate, in a way. I loved you. I love you.
Dear CA,
Your accent made me weak at every joint in my body. You sang to me everyday. "I wake up, crack a cold one, put a dip in, got my boots and my overalls on." My country boy. You had the mind of a romantic, the lips of a maniac, and the soul of a gypsy. You made me forget about ER. For that, I'll always thank you. But, the brother made you run away. I wanted you, a lot. You came back, but now were just friends although to still wonder what it would be like to taste the mint Grizzly on your lips.
Dear TP,
We've been best friends for years. We fight like an old married couple. You're my musician, and my sensitive boy. I've loved you many times, one of us always got scared and ran away (usually me, I'm sorry). This time, I was ready. But you ran. That was your last chance. We barely speak anymore, but that's okay. I just hope you're okay and you learn to become strong and keep yourself alive.
Dear DLAP,
You had me completely and utterly stunned by everything you did. You had me convinced. I must applaud you for fooling a girl like me. You took the last of my innocence and 6 days later you took someone else's. I didn't want to feel the blood run through my veins anymore. I wanted to watch it pour out until I couldn't breathe anymore. So thank you, for reminding me what death felt like. You crushed me inside and out. You deserve to be alone and I deserve the world. I've forgotten your eyes, your lips, and I said goodbye. But you've poisoned my head with "I do miss her. Like when a song comes on or I watch The Great Gatsby. I've messed up enough, though. I would rather stay out of her life and let her live." And these words will haunt me until I learn to block them out. Valerie.

Date a boy who makes you happy, but marry him only if he makes you laugh deep-belly rumbles that hurt your ribs as they expand outwards. Date him when he sees that you’re hurting and he gives you a moment to feel that pain like a handprint spreading across your consciousness, marry him only if he can make you smile even while you’re gross sobbing. The world is not a kind place. You will feel a lot of pain. Make sure you are with someone who makes it all bearable. Humor is an excellent gauge of intelligence. Life gets boring. Find someone who makes the banal interesting.
2. Make sure he has scars on the back of his hands, it’s a good sign he has experience either fighting or making things - creation is an act of selflessness and bruised knuckles are a good sign he knows how to defend himself. You’ve got too much soul to be handled by someone who has never been passionate. If he’s never thrown a punch, let him at least have tasted the insanity of bringing an idea into existence. Rough palms are better than soft ones, they have been salted by this earth and made into leather. Callouses are evidence he has lived, that he has broken skin and been in pain over and over and over again and still came back to the source of it. People rub against each other. Don’t marry him if he can’t handle even a little blister.
3. Before you say yes, get him angry. See him scared, see him wanting,see him sick. Stress changes a person. Find out if he drinks and if he does, get him drunk - you’ll learn more about his sober thoughts. Discover his addictions. See if he puts you in front of them. You can’t change people, baby girl. If they are made one way, it doesn’t just wear off. If you hate how he acts when he’s out of it now, you’re going to hate it much worse eight years down the road. You might love him to bits but it doesn’t change that some people just don’t fit.
4. Trust your instincts. If he ever makes you feel unsafe, don’t make excuses, just get up and leave. That’s all there is to it. It’s better to be safe than sorry.
5. If he puts money before you, he’ll keep pushing you to the bottom of the pile until you become his last priority. It’s one thing if he can’t afford what you want, it’s another if he has the cash but won’t spring for a box of chicken mcnuggets. Money and love are arch enemies. 62% of divorces occur due to economic strain. Make sure keeping you is more important than his 401k.
6. How a man treats animals is a good indicator of how he treats children. If you see him raise a hand to a dog, pack your things into a little black bag. Animals at their worst are only half as annoying as a toddler on their best behaviour. Your kids will be beautiful, but they will also misbehave. Same goes for waiters and hotel maids - if he’s rude to those who are working for minimum wage, it says a lot about how he sees himself. Patience is rare and so important. If he’s not forgiving to a dog, he’s not good for your kids.
7. If he isn’t in awe of you, he doesn’t deserve you. You are my little girl and you were born perfect. If he can’t see that, it’s his loss. There is someone who thinks your flaws power his heart. Be strong. If he asks you to change, be like like rock of your birthstone, do not waver. You are wondrous just the way that you are.

Boy 1:
I told you not to kiss me, I told you to stay away from me. I told you I hated you, but you always sat behind me on the bus, you lived down the street from where I lived, you always stopped by to ask if I could come outside and play.
We were so young, we didn't even know how to spell love just yet, we had finger painting, and fishy crackers.
We were so young, but the words "I like when you can't say your words all the way." Still made my heart speed but I swore up and down if you kissed me I'd punch your lights out.
Needless to say you walked home with a ****** nose.

Boy 2:
The first pair of eyes I fell in love with, the way they shined when you talked about your future  and how proud you were going to be when you stepped onto the battle field.
Your eyes still shined when the words "you're beautiful." We're whispered into my ear as I drifted into sleep.
The words got stronger and stronger throughout the months are us endless talking about leaving this town.
Soon sweet words burned at the back of our throats, we fought and fought. Till I had nothing left in me.
I walked away with nothing but
"Don't ever forget how much I love you." Fresh on my to lips,
The only thing fresh on your lips was "*******. You ruined my life."

Boy 3:
You proved to me that it doesn't take a healed heart to break, you can easily break a broken one just as easy,
You spit words like
"Hold me."
"Never leave me."
"I'm scared to not have you in my life."
"I can fix you baby."
"You'll always be my baby, always and forever."
"I think I'm in love with you, Jk I know I am."
"Run away with me?"
These words weren't just mine but hers too. The sweetest things were just pick up lines, she stole your heart that summer night.
You got scared and called my phone:
"I want this summer to be different.. Bye forever."
You picked her over me, you left me.
I picked you. You didn't pick me.
You left me broken and alone with no one to hold.
I was nothing.
Boy 4:
We spent days talking about poetry and art, how many kids we wanted, how many times our hearts have been broken, I told you I've been sad for along time, that I was scared at night. You'd call and listen to ramble on and on about my life, you would read me your poems every night till I fell sleep. You would write 4 pages of things you would do to me if we were alone for 20 minutes tops.
You tried so hard, but I wasn't ever healed from 2 summers ago when my blue eyed boy told me I ruined his life,
I wasn't healed.
I cut you off, I didn't talk to you for weeks. Until I texted you telling to come watch movies with me and my Bestfriend.
You laid beside me and told me things I never knew, told me how cute I looked with my messy hair, told me my eyes shined when I repeated a saying from the movie, he giggled when I kissed your eye lids and told you; you were something so shiny and new.
I do what I always do and walked away. I pushed you out of my life and forgot how your heart felt beating against my hand.
Boy 5;
You were late night car rides and early  morning kisses.
You were big blue eyes and smokey clothes.
You were the extreme high, I craved you every day of the week.
I was weak in the knees as I climbed in your lap and kissed your neck.
I was smiles and giggles at your jokes,
I was in love with you when you shattered my heart for a 15 year old who bangs soon to be daddy's and prays on others feelings.
I loved you.
Boy 6:
Stay forever?
You can keep me in mind,
You have a way of making ***** words sounds so pure and right,
You promise to fix his mistakes and you say you want forever.
You talk about our life's together and how happy you'll make me.
So here you are stitching my life back to together with shaky hands.
Here you are loving someone who's drained by blue eyes and lies.
Fill me back with life?

It's hard to close my eyes at night,
Hard not to listen to my screams that echo in my mind over and over,
It's hard to slowly make it to the end of the pool where my feet don't touch,
Maybe because I laid at the bottom of the pool almost lifeless wondering how being asked to go swimming was wrong, wondering how looking like my clueless mother was a sin, how being locked in a room with no food just because you didn't want to look at my face, watching you tear apart my childhood was easy, trying to live the rest of my life without a childhood is hard. But  every time I allow myself to sink to the bottom of the pool, my childhood comes back in flashes, how every man must known what you did to a 4 year old, how many scars I can count on my body that you seemed to think was you claiming what was yours, watching my mother cry her eyes out over her child's brokenness, have you ever seen the moon from the bottom of the pool? Well I can tell you it wasn't the sight a five year wanted to see. But now a 16 year old sees it every time she closes her eyes.

I fell
Into the deepest pits of hell.
I fell
Into depression and being helpless.
I fell
For a boy that had fire in eyes and vanilla on his lips.
I fell
For a common game played by a pathetic man.
I fell
Into sadness and not believing in myself.
I fell
For a girl who's heart beated for me.
I fell
For Hazel eyes and a wide smiled girl.
I fell
Back in love.
I fell
Into happiness and hope.
And forever,
I'll be grateful
That I fell.

You see I've been through a lot, I've been through ups and downs, and I've been stuck on a merry go round. I've jumped off the swing to high, I've fell down and hurt my knee, I even once fell and lost my two front teeth. I remember crying in the school bathrooms when someone made fun of me for not being able to read the book we were reading in class. I remember slapping myself in the face for saying something stupid, I remember my own flesh and blood pushing me around because he thought it was funny to see me on the ground crying and bleeding. I once jumped off a tree a hit my head, I got up to my best friends laugh ringing in my ear, I also remember crying at the look of blood in my hands. I remember crying day and night when my sister would pull my self esteem right out of my pocket and throw it to the ground. You see I've been through Hell and back. I've broke a few hearts, I've left and caused some scars, I've taught boys lessons, and I've ran from begging hands till my feet hurt. I've had my fair share of hand prints on my wrist from lust but I've kicked and screamed my way out. It's crazy to think how many people forget what they've done to you, I haven't forgotten. I still have the bruises and wounds. I still seek for help when I'm all alone at night. I still desire to be held by my mother when I'm kicking and screaming during a night terror. I still want my teachers to smile and be so proud when I finally can say the 6 letter words completely through and through. Even through all of this is hard to think about, I now laugh at all my scars, bruises and wounds. Because the pain level from when I was 1 to when I was 15 was 9 in my eyes. All the heart breaks and broken bones never seemed to truly heal, all then nights and days I thought about the good and bad, weighing my options on one single thought.  I still close my eyes and watch as my life passes me by.
I'm just lucky I have someone holding my hand and tracing my scars, glad that they are over. You can't fix your past, but someone can make you forget about it. At least for awhile.

Dear T,
You're about 1/4 of a man,
You fried up all your brain cells,
You're lips are formed for lies,
You can't even look me in the eyes,
I may see all your flaws you created within that one week,
But I also see the damage you did to a little 14 year old,
few of them actually.
I bet you feel awesome that she crawls back to each time,
But sweet pea;
She's the reason why everyone could spot your flaws a mile away.
You turned from a blessing to a sin
Dear A,
Who are you to judge?
I'm not perfect, I don't pretend to be.
You talked behind my back,
You claim it was just you blowing off stream,
You're something so fragile but you choose people who would rather smash you to the ground than lock you up and keep you safe.
But now look what you have done.
You're too shattered to be kept away
Dear C,
I regret ever speaking to you.
I regret everything I told you,
I cried on your shoulder and told you to leave me alone,
I was too young for someone like you,
I pushed you against your wall and told you I hated you for what you did to me,
I told you to go away.
I don't need you.
Dear A,
You've changed, maybe for the worst, maybe for the best.
Everyone wants you to be around, everyone misses you.
Where are you now?
Dear TP,
You aren't some note she can wave a flag along and dance around to,
your heart deserves to be kept safe,
in a music box, and only opened when that person feels unsafe.
You deserve to be put in a music box
Dear S,
You're made of poems and lust.
I'm made of running and blood.
I didn't mean for it to seem like a chase,
I didn't mean to hook onto your co worker,
I didn't mean to look you in the eyes and say
"I can't do this because I know you're using me."
But I'm a runner.
And I ran from you
Dear N,
You're a new feeling.
I want you to stay and hold me but I also want to push you away and tell you I'm not worth every night you stare at your wall and count how many ways you could kiss me.
It feels like everyone is screaming for you to walk away, to run, but you're stuck in front of me with your arms stretched wide waiting for me to run into them.
Here we are, listening to people scream nasty things about me and you.
Don't listen to what they say I'm in the love with you.
Dear HM,
You could probably make a grown man fall to his knees the way you smile at nothing,
You could make a child wish they would grow to be just like you the way you talk to others in need,
You could  make the stars blink as you dance around,
You're a special breed of human.
*The kind that should be locked in a museum and gazed at for hours

For once in my life,
I let someone hold a gun to my head,
I trusted him to not pull the trigger,
Which he didn't,
For a short while,
He didn't commit this on his own,
She placed her hand over his,
She told him things he missed hearing from her lips,
She pulled the trigger for him but left her finger prints out of it,
She used him to get back at me.
Sadly,
She wouldn't need him for anything else,
He didn't know that,
He didn't know that he was just a cover up to get back at me,
He was just finger prints she needed,
He was just lips she tasted,
He was nothing to her,
But that boy was something to me,
Now he's just the guy who pulled the trigger,
And I'm just a person with their brains blown out.

Dear TAC,
DLAP had made me scared enough to the point where I never thought I would love again, and when I finally allowed myself to, the day I told you that my heart would be forever in sync with yours, you pushed me away physically and told me that we were done for good. You broke my heart. It's been a year and you still make an impact on me everyday. That takes talent, and so does being as ignorant as you are. You don't really deserve to be happy because of all the people you've made unhappy but somehow you still get sleep at night.
Dear CM,
You were shy but the funniest person I knew, I must apologize for telling you I wasn't ready, but that was due to TAC. He is the real person that you deserve an apology for. Some days I still wish I would've never given up on you. But you deserve the world, and I believe you'll get that.
Dear EM,
I really did want so much with you.. You made me laugh with your cheesy compliments and your innocent smile. Thank you for being there when I found out what my mother had done. You healed my heart to a certain point and I will be forever grateful for that. Thank you so much for being you and I am so sorry that I told you I wasn't ready as well.. I miss you everyday and I hope sometimes you miss me too.
Dear MC,
I'm really not even sure what we have. There was no romance, only special benefits and little mixture of friendship. I will miss you when you go to college. Sometimes I wish you wanted more with me.
Dear ZD,
I don't even know where to begin. You're everything and nothing all at once. I don't understand what it is. Your voice or your eyes.. your eyes maybe. I thought you were my best friend. Although I had feelings for you, I tried to distance myself because I didn't want you to hurt me. But then you kissed my best friend and you didn't care how it effected me at all. I don't hate you although I would love to make her disappear. I hope only the best for you although you broke my heart.. the little I had left of it.
Dear CL,
I really tried to make you feel like I've been here but the truth is that I am more than beyond lost. My heart has disappeared and now there is just a hole in my chest cavity. I'm sorry that I cannot accept your comfort or let you have my heart the way you let me have yours. You'll make some special girl really happy someday and she will be very lucky. That girl, is not me.

You know that feeling you get when you enter a new state?
That sense of being somewhere new?
That's how it felt when she was around.
And when she left,
That feeling was all I wanted.
Her eyes were my favorite.
Small,
Round,
Hazel.
Of course,
I could talk about her physical features for
Forever.
But,
I won't.
She spoke like her lips were rose petals.
She moved like she was a wave,
Crashing over me.
She smiled,
Like a toddler seeing snow for the first time.
Her skin shined like gold in midsummer.
She was the one.
One day,
I'd slip a band around her cold little finger,
And make it warm with a vow of my love.
She was my infinity,
My forever,
My love.
There was no better for me than
Her.

A fragile girl crushed by the human blood of another that was stronger and less emotional. She was never sure how she was going to get back up.
Until the lines of a clover told her to run after that boy she watched walk away in the parking lot lights and the dim shading of the moon.
With hands heavy on each side of her face and eye lids tucked lightly, it all started with the stars dancing and the loud booms of actual fireworks.
In his tongue, he shoved things in her mouth like "Don't be afraid, baby. Just kiss me."
And he breathed in her air like it depended on his life to have it. He held on to it and took it into every valve in his lungs. He needed her to breathe properly.
**save it for when you need it

The first time I ever spoke to you was like an over dramatic panic attack. I kept looking at the floor and trying not to stumble over my words, I was shaking all over and trying not to let you notice the deep red shade slowing camping out in my cheeks as you said my name. I felt like a waterfall of cold sweat was poured over me as you asked me different questions. My poor heart couldn't take the high and low speeds you gave me as if you were in control of my stick shift body, you smiled at me as I spoke softly to you in murmurs trying to make sure I wasn't falling into a bottomless pit of stupidity. You kissed my lips and didn't let go that's when the wind was knocked out of my entire body and I felt as if my body was no longer made of muscles and bones but of jello and sticks. But I knew as soon as I heard your heartbeat that it was burned into my soul. My breathes didn't follow with my lungs but with yours, I couldn't see anyone but you. No matter who it was, no matter where was. All my eyes seen was you. My ears only listened to your voice, my hands only reached for your shaking body.
No one falls in love with same. But I can try to explain what it's like for me everyday.

World
spinning
relentless
and just two weeks left.
I hope this sounds like
love
I paint her lips, softer
and softer like
easing onto a highway ramp
and never coming home.
and
my finest moments were with her
high as ****
and warmer than the 2 o'clock sun
laughing
till we were as numb as her kitchen floor
feelings so much that we felt nothing at all
The worst difference being
She will miss me at 2 in the morning
but I will still miss her at 2 in the afternoon and that means more than I can take right now.
Summer seasons fireball stains on my shoulder
or her perfect skin pressed against my still body or
finding how she breathes sin,
like smoking cinnamon from her bitten bottom lip
and I swear she is or
you are all I see
To never closing bedroom doors
to swimming eyes and feeling older
to tracing fingers down my spine
to intimacy and every synonym
to knowing I do not need you
to knowing that I want you
to sharing toothbrushes
to forgetting our bests
to our similar minds
to not telling time
to being foolish
to becoming.
to maturity.
to growth.
to rush.
to you.
to us.

it's 11:39 pm and I miss kissing the shores of your cheek bones and swimming in the oceans your eyes drown in

I should have told you all the nights I cried myself to sleep because my walls were screaming harsh things,
I should have told you about the days people looked me in the eyes and told me how ugly I was,
or how didn't like how small I am, or how funny I talked, people didn't like how I murmured to myself because those voices in my head were the only people who cared,
I should have told you about the times my voices went away and I couldn't act the same because I didn't know what to do, they helped me through a lot of lonely nights and tear ****** days,
I should have told you about how much I wanted to leave your loving arms because you didn't see I was in pain. You didn't see that I was about to collapse on the floor.
I should have told you all the times I woke up from nightmares, my voices had came back but there was only one and he wasn't someone I made up. He was a past for both me and you.
I could have told you but the ways I killed my pain, it was similar to the ways you did when you were my  age but more painful. I wasn't as strong as you were.
I wish I would have told you about the way I fell in love with the thought of kissing my life goodbye, I wish I could have explained in some way the way I had to pick up the pieces you thought you stitched together.
I should have screamed at night to show you that I was in as pain as I hid, or not speak at all, my voices could say more than I ever could.
Or you could have just open your eyes to fact that I couldn't truly smile, I couldn't even breathe. If you were just to take your eyes off of her and look at me, you would have seen..
Oh mom, I should have told you when I could.

Every night,
I lay my head down on my pillow.
And I think of every good moment I've ever had with you.
Like the time you drove me home and I asked why you didn't kiss me.
You scratched your head and said, "Do you want me to?"
I said of course, but you didn't.
The time during the fall when you let me drive your car. You kept your hand close to my leg, just in case. You told me pointers. You kept smiling at me with those big brown eyes.
The first time I seen you after our first big fight.
You ran your fingers through my hair and for the first time, admitted that you missed me.
When I crawled over the console and laid on you.
You spoke softly, "I don't know how you make this comfortable, but you do."
That same night, was the first time you kissed me in public.
You smiled and rubbed your nose on mine.
The night when I rubbed your back for hours, while we got to know each other.
The way I used to watch your eyes as they followed the road when we walked down it. Or the way your hands tensed up when we drove around curves.
The lines that appear around your mouth every time you smile.
My favorite night was when you woke me up from a nightmare and said , "I'm here. I didn't leave." And held me.
The same morning, I woke up. The first time you'd seen me without make up and my hair a mess.
You said,
"Good morning, beautiful."
I smiled and hugged you.

Your memories are my favorite.

Some people are roads.
And I mean that in a extremely less harmful way then it seems.
You see someone with all the answers to the world could come around and walk straight into your life, but it would be the other way around because you're not the road you see, they are.
They may hold you tight and tell you sweet things but in two months you'll see that they were just a road, a road that leads you to the person with a broken smile, and nothing to say but what's on their mind.
Sometimes what's on their mind is better than what they were told to say, or what they are used to saying.
The road could be someone who says all the things you want to hear like "You're stunning in that dress." but the person you're being led wouldn't say a word but kiss you because you've taken their breath away.
The road may seem like the world but they are just the road leading you to the world.
You see what I'm trying to say about this is: someone may seem like a lesson but they're not, they're just taking you a step closer to the one you're supposed to be with.