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I should have told you all the nights I cried myself to sleep because my walls were screaming harsh things,
I should have told you about the days people looked me in the eyes and told me how ugly I was,
or how didn't like how small I am, or how funny I talked, people didn't like how I murmured to myself because those voices in my head were the only people who cared,
I should have told you about the times my voices went away and I couldn't act the same because I didn't know what to do, they helped me through a lot of lonely nights and tear ****** days,
I should have told you about how much I wanted to leave your loving arms because you didn't see I was in pain. You didn't see that I was about to collapse on the floor.
I should have told you all the times I woke up from nightmares, my voices had came back but there was only one and he wasn't someone I made up. He was a past for both me and you.
I could have told you but the ways I killed my pain, it was similar to the ways you did when you were my  age but more painful. I wasn't as strong as you were.
I wish I would have told you about the way I fell in love with the thought of kissing my life goodbye, I wish I could have explained in some way the way I had to pick up the pieces you thought you stitched together.
I should have screamed at night to show you that I was in as pain as I hid, or not speak at all, my voices could say more than I ever could.
Or you could have just open your eyes to fact that I couldn't truly smile, I couldn't even breathe. If you were just to take your eyes off of her and look at me, you would have seen..
Oh mom, I should have told you when I could.
You see I've been through a lot, I've been through ups and downs, and I've been stuck on a merry go round. I've jumped off the swing to high, I've fell down and hurt my knee, I even once fell and lost my two front teeth. I remember crying in the school bathrooms when someone made fun of me for not being able to read the book we were reading in class. I remember slapping myself in the face for saying something stupid, I remember my own flesh and blood pushing me around because he thought it was funny to see me on the ground crying and bleeding. I once jumped off a tree a hit my head, I got up to my best friends laugh ringing in my ear, I also remember crying at the look of blood in my hands. I remember crying day and night when my sister would pull my self esteem right out of my pocket and throw it to the ground. You see I've been through Hell and back. I've broke a few hearts, I've left and caused some scars, I've taught boys lessons, and I've ran from begging hands till my feet hurt. I've had my fair share of hand prints on my wrist from lust but I've kicked and screamed my way out. It's crazy to think how many people forget what they've done to you, I haven't forgotten. I still have the bruises and wounds. I still seek for help when I'm all alone at night. I still desire to be held by my mother when I'm kicking and screaming during a night terror. I still want my teachers to smile and be so proud when I finally can say the 6 letter words completely through and through. Even through all of this is hard to think about, I now laugh at all my scars, bruises and wounds. Because the pain level from when I was 1 to when I was 15 was 9 in my eyes. All the heart breaks and broken bones never seemed to truly heal, all then nights and days I thought about the good and bad, weighing my options on one single thought.  I still close my eyes and watch as my life passes me by.
I'm just lucky I have someone holding my hand and tracing my scars, glad that they are over. You can't fix your past, but someone can make you forget about it. At least for awhile.
Hate is a very strong word.
So that's why I mean it when I say
"I hate you, I hate every once of blood that keeps you alive. I hate every beat your heart makes that keeps your body going, I hate every nerve that keeps on working, I hate everything that makes you stay alive."
I'm just a child, 16 or not.
I've been running my whole life from you,
When will enough be enough?
Don't you find it sort of sick? To chase me around,
I've always hated hide and seek because I could never hide the bruises that she seemed to seek,
I hate swimming on the deep end because I can feel the water still choking me,
You still want me dead? I already am.
You want me to sugar coat how I feel about you?
I wish someone would have made you go through every moment you put me through, over and over.
I want you to feel the forever lasting pain I do.
When I was young,
My grandmother would take me on car rides,
I didn't speak much but I always asked about the beam of lights.
To a sixteen year old it was sun shining through the holes in the cloud leaving a beam of sunshine on this place called earth,
To a five year old it was magic, something more than logic,
To my grandmother it was angels,
Angels that were sent to earth to look after the ones they are chosen to   protect,
I never had a beam of light shine on me.
Until March 2nd when a curl haired boy entered my life with a shy hello.
Now he is my favorite beam of light.
To my love.
Somethings are so hidden in this world that we start to believe that we have to search for something that could already be there,
We are forced to believe that magic is only in movies that we pay 5 dollars to see,
We only believe in the religions our families have reflected on us since we began to breathe,
Most of us, even when we fail to admit it, stand in crowd and hate to be alone,
We are all fit into the colors we are given not the colors we seek.
I don't know about you, but when it comes to me..
I wanna break free.
I'm clingy, but I'll never admit it. I'll check my phone every 5 minutes to see if you've replied to something I've drafted numerous times in my head. I'll get anxious when you don't answer me back for a long time, and I'll think to myself maybe you've had enough of me. Yet when your message finally comes, it doesn't matter what you've said because the simple act of replying assures me that you're still mine. At least, for the time being it will. I'll get jealous a lot, but please don't misconstrue it as me tying you down. I won't get jealous because I want you all to myself, no. I want you to be able to spend time with your family, friends, and everyone else in between. I'll get jealous because maybe, just maybe, you'll find something special in someone else, as you did with me. I'll be weary that maybe you'll look at someone just as how you look at me, or your heart will begin to wander somewhere else.
I'm insecure, and it's of no fault of your own. When I say something negative about myself, it's not a cry for attention nor is it me wanting you to disagree with me. Before you, I'll probably never imagine in a million years that you'd be mine. So by virtue of the fact that we're together makes me even more insecure. But let me make something clear; I won't be bagging on myself all the time. I know what I excel in, what talents I possess, the aspects in my physique that work in my favor, and so on. I'm just more vocal about the things which fall in the opposite categories. I'll possess many faults, and I'm not looking for you to fix them. I think when I finally meet you, I'll be more accepting of these faults than I am now. All I'm asking is that you accept them with me.
I know this letter seems to be focusing on the negative things about me, and it's quite a bit to take in... so let me make a change of pace.
I'll always love you. When we're finally acquainted, and we finally begin to personify the definition of love for one another, I'll never need another definition. I've told myself countless times that I would never cheat on someone because I know what that feels like. I'll love you more than I love myself and I know that isn't too great but that's just how I am. I'm going to fall in love with the way your smile dances across your face every time you see me, I'll fall in love with the way you lose yourself int he things you love, I'll fall in love with the way your voice fluctuates depending on how you're feeling, I'll fall in love with the way you say my name, and I'll most definitely fall in love with you so much more. I'll study everything about you, I'll remember the slightest details about you and your life. I'll know what you look like when you're upset without having to say a word, I'll know how you like your coffee in the morning, I'll know exactly how long it takes you to get ready before we go out, I'll know most of the trivial things about you and the rest I'll learn along the way. I pray you'll be able to do the same as well.
If you're still reading, and you haven't run away... I'll probably be sitting across from you looking insanely nervous and insecure. I'd be sitting with my legs folded under me on the chair anxiously waiting for your reaction. On top of that, I'll probably be ready to burst into tears of happiness or tears of sadness.
So to end this letter, I'd like to say thank you. Thank you for giving me a reason to live again, thank you for proving to me that love really is meant for me, and thank you for being my reason to be alive.

*Your Future Soulmate
Favorite poem. Written by my favorite person. Heaven Dawn.
it's 11:39 pm and I miss kissing the shores of your cheek bones and swimming in the oceans your eyes drown in
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