hanaB: Poems

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hanaB Jan 2015

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I tried to let go
of what's drowning me,
in my own sorrow.

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hanaB Aug 2015

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As the candle flickers hard to glow,
you are like the wind that blows it of.

bleh.

hanaB Feb 2014

bleh.

lingering memories..
that last string hanging hard
that vase cracking slowly.
tsunami tides.
frustration and anger.

my default vision i guess,
all around was beauty and melody.
everything swept with a thunder.
i see.
those bullets not worth.

#yolo

box full of BULLETS i love.

hanaB Jan 2014

box full of BULLETS i love.

My vision's not clear.
The fog has become more thicker.
I CANNOT SEE.
i cannot see what is in that shiny black marble.
i cannot see if that word is truly from your pure heart.
        I am not sure if that star would love to shine on me forever.
        That star,
        So pure, so kind, so loving, so caring for all those flowers but not me.
        Me. I think my petals aren't PRETTY enough for him.
        Me. He says its always about me.
        HOW? WHY?
I just want to see what's in that black marbled eye.
I just want to see whats in that coconut heart.
I just want you to ask me once. JUST ONCE.
And i promise all those bullets in me will be a worth.

YEAH.....
I know I am selfish. He needs time.
TIME.
I will be waiting.
Waiting with the box full of bullets i LOVE.

cold thunders

hanaB Jun 2015

cold thunders

thinking what I did, to myself.
Cold thunder starts in the left side of my chest making it like a heavy hot bread. Along with the blues on the radio, slowly that cold thunder travels to my neck, then to my sides of my checks and behind my eyes, making them all numb. Like connecting all my insecurities. That coldness ends up hot on the top my eyes, making my entire body helpless. That blues comes with an upbeat, making my heart race. I run. I will run away into the ocean, until I numb the ocean.

diamond DUST.

hanaB Jan 2014

diamond DUST.

STARS.
I loved them. I wanted one since i was swinging on that black swing.
Even though i never knew which star was mine,
Even though I would stumble and fall
my heart loved you. only you.

YOU.
you are the perfect imperfect.
well, you are just too perfect for everyone.
Everyone; your daily bread AND I; your beautiful glass vase.

Beautiful glass vase that needed love.
that needed beautiful flowers on her.

Now is a diamond dust.

disappear.

hanaB Jan 2014

disappear.

those beautiful petals
gracefully falling down.
those memories
a dream now.
everything in slow motion
cant remember.

bleeding heart
stitched by fear.
pretend to not know.

DISAPPEAR.
all those promises,
disappear like I did.

Dying

hanaB Apr 2015

Dying

I am dying with a smile on my face.
I swear, one more time that lamp post or that cool breeze whispers your name
I will burry it down below where the roots are.
Because my skin, my eyes, everything that has remained yells for you.

empty

hanaB Sep 2014

empty

carved everything out of me and into that flame.
that enormous hole sealed gently with hot concrete.
I yearned for it to be filled
empty with ammonia.
Yet, still carving the last pieces out.

Fickle heart

hanaB Apr 2015

Fickle heart

How fickle my heart and soul,
I failed to find "the love" in your bitter words.

Flaws

hanaB May 2015

Flaws

lost in the thought of your flaws
I drowned myself in my own flaws.

incomplete

hanaB Feb 2014

incomplete

words that weren't complete.
i was burnt,
A year and seven months in his show
I was hung.
never had realized.
never had expected
expectations.
thats what i need to burn.
still disgusts me.
darkness spread all over those yells
lowered my voice.
walked towards with my almost dead soul.
couldn't let her go.
but she let me.
and he killed me.
those letters,
those memories,
makes me wonder
where i slipped
and lost that heart.
you were fine.
you said
are you?
cause i cant untie the knot we made
cause i'm drenched in ***** waiting for a fire.
cause for you i can just leave the other him.
some memories that just cant be replaced.

in that hazy alley

hanaB Jan 2014

in that hazy alley

legs of a foreigner
fingers of a pianist
lost in that hazy alley full of your words.
HER.PERFECT. shoots me.
don't worry your not the only one.
even my dad told this.

voices whisper to erase.
tremor.
I tried.
but your words dragged me back.
I fear.
but i'll hold on tight to my rosary,
squeeze in that red jumper
and listen to your brother
until you change your words.

last time.

hanaB Jan 2014

last time.

no.
I'm not breaking any promises.
Promises are breaking us.
Never was ever.

all your words just disappeared.
that perfect flower you used to say.
did u go in search of her?

the last time.
no.

maybe.

let go

hanaB Jan 2015

let go

I tried to let go
of what's drowning me,
in my own sorrow.

The scars on my left gets deeper and deeper
until i see a whole new galaxy

#letgo

Listen.

hanaB Nov 2014

Listen.

love that drips from your finger tips
memories thats stored away in clouds
cleared those piles of pages that covered your eyes
your ears stopped hearing the raindrops shouting from my heart.

words that are still fresh.
a hurricane in my soul.
secretly waiting for it to calm
for you to come back.
Listen.

#love #life #clouds

Lost

hanaB May 2015

Lost

This time I will lay back NOT beating my heart for you.
I will not pray to God to dry my tears, because
even a slightest me was destroyed by the bullets you threw from your mouth.
I lost myself trying to save us.
I lost us trying to save myself.

#love #lust #lost #hurt #prayfornepal

lust it is

hanaB Jun 2014

lust it is

Pull towards that smell
My lust over it.
Makes my blood rushes all over from my legs to lips
That fragrance, starts a thunder in my soul.

I will be patient.
I LIE.

I will fear.
Not to be able to comfort myself.
Drag myself out of the thunder storm.

patiently wait for the phone to rise.

stare and pray.

My blueberry love.

hanaB Jan 2014

My blueberry love.

help me get out of that burning flame without any scar.
but let all my scars be healed in that flame.
let me not hurt myself for leaving behind something so precious;
my blueberrry.

that broken soul i couldn't heal.
almost one third of a year
still couldn't do a thing
except breaking myself.

and all those love that didn't reach you
will be kept safe in that box full of bullets i love.

and my love for blueberrry is infinity x infinity till that blue ring hangs on that warm hands.

nightmare

hanaB Feb 2014

nightmare

is it the weather?
or the flu?
i see blurry letters
and hear the blues.

forever was never
but held like you'd never.
that hug.
flared our pain.

i wish.
just a nightmare.
couldn't hold me tight enough.
i died.

Remember my name.

hanaB May 2015

Remember my name.

Remember my name.
I've been turning the calendar pages with my bleeding hand.
I can't see you.
I still want to feel the warmth around me long nights under our favorite stars.

Clinging on the hope you showed year.
I can't deny, get me out ,
I want to wear pink, yellow and green and run flapping my hands in our favorite place.

#love

Smile.

hanaB Apr 2015

Smile.

Popping up that text brings joy with extra pain back.
But I'll still smile.

Stars.

hanaB Apr 2015

Stars.

The stars in your eyes that stopped my world
and made me fall in that galaxy of yours.
The engine heated,
and all those kisses burnt away as the van moved,
drenched in regrets and mistakes,
stars i lust for now were going away, far away.
It's time, my momma told me.
begged my momma to stay a little longer.
As I know those stars are no where to be found.

Stealing your own heart before its stolen.

hanaB Oct 2014

Stealing your own heart before its stolen.

Like the sound of the clouds clearing its way from my sight
When the waves hit your leg
With 9 months of dumbbell
Plunge yourself to hot asphalt.

Stealing your own heart before its stolen.

#love #lust #hurt #hopeless

The Feeling.

hanaB Dec 2013

The Feeling.

It makes me crawl into dark.
It makes me more hopeless when i think.
It makes me realize.
    REALIZE that you're mine until the sunsets.
    REALIZE that i'm not your night sky nor your morning sunshine.
    REALIZE that i'll just be a lipstick imprint on you.
    REALIZE that i realize but is hopeless.
Sometimes.
Just sometimes i like to believe that you would like to watch that north star with me.
Sometimes.
Just sometimes i like to believe that all your bullets in me will last forever.
just sometimes.

uh.

hanaB May 2015

uh.

my heart stopped when yours started to beat.

underneath me.

hanaB Oct 2014

underneath me.

these promises
that are meant to
last forever.
I lie.
I hate the way you hold me,
so harsh yet gentle.
its like watching
a pianist's fingers while they
keep me high.
forgetting you.
emptiness that would be forgotten
like you do.
I will swim inside you
until i find the star
that will start making
flowers grow on my head.

I will crawl till the finish line,
get out
and start from the beginning.

#hope #love #free #bird #hastagismylove #love

#love #hope #flower #free #bird #flamingo #hana

Untitled

hanaB Apr 2015

Untitled

Dear momma,
I wonder if you were happy to hear my voice on that winter night, when you almost died.
I wonder if I really was your mistake like I was to many.

Please tell me big girls cry. Please be there, who will love a soul like mine like you do? Please dont leave me here alone.

Promise to send me a breeze when I fall down and get stuck like now. Promise me that you will look for me from the stars I gaze. Promise me that the tears streaming down my face will dry up one day. Promise me that I'll get up.

Untitled

hanaB Oct 2014

Untitled

Holding my heart so tight to not let you go.
Not let me go.
The yellow leaves slowly falling down...
closer i get to the door, hold my heart gently
So many things to say, stuck on my throat.
Wished the thunder in my heart calmed..
never to forget all those titanium bullets,
all worth.

Untitled

hanaB Mar 2014

Untitled

TRUST.
it broke me.
i thought i was the wroth.
no. all lies.
graveled lava behind all those promises.
only could see those beautiful petals on.
i wish you wake up and realize that its not too late.

Untitled

hanaB Oct 2014

Untitled

i lost my wedding ring
13 i gave a first peck
14 march my first kiss
16 i lost my wedding ring :(

Untitled

hanaB Mar 2015

Untitled

took a step backward,
thinking you still cared.
how did I not know you were long gone.

walking down the same road with my broken leg and heart.
not realizing you wont be there to heal my broken

Untitled

hanaB Apr 2015

Untitled

Second last day last page of our book... more like my book.
making myself believe that the day after i have to burn it
still cool.
Still cool for i weep till the sun rise and pray to god, just to let her heart beat a bit longer.
Beg to beat her heart a bit longer, to let her know that she carved me into a beautiful heart.
Second last month with her on my book.
trying to be stronger each day so that when the book ends, I dont end.
Collecting my broken heart to make her story end with a breath of joy.
For I know, i wont find myself, i wont find my book.
For I know, I will be crying to the rainbows and begging the empty bottles to send her back.

Untitled

hanaB Apr 2015

Untitled

running through the fire, waiting for my return.

Untitled

hanaB Apr 2015

Untitled

Running away from the mess I've created,
I know it will haunt me, like it does now.

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hanaB Apr 2015

Untitled

I saw my soul and body chained on fire in your flawless hazel eyes with a dead rose and a cigarette clinging on your hand.

Untitled

hanaB May 2015

Untitled

I can hear you.
the other you, that sunk in the ocean.
shh
I need to leave without shaking the waves.

Untitled

hanaB Apr 2014

Untitled

rows of torn laces
love that never exited
eyedrops that blur my vision
love. or is it evol ?

Untitled

hanaB Oct 2014

Untitled

i thought.
my heart was only crafted for you.
i still think.
cause it does not fit into others.

if only i knew that was our last kiss.
i would've seal my heart.
if only i knew that was our last hug
i would've never let you go.

i wanted you to drag me back.
i didnt want anything to be our last.
alll those words are now like smoke
all those memories like a dream; untitled.

Untitled

hanaB May 2015

Untitled

I got lost in those laughters and joy in the album of ours.
I found myself pumped with a big smile
and after, a long sigh.

#love #lane #picture #album #tacos #mira

Us. OFF.

hanaB Feb 2014

Us. OFF.

walking through that alley with my head held high.
you never saw those pain behind that concrete soul.
Just saw my decayed side.
all fears sealed.
flared out in the dark.
You never knew
What was under that concrete.
That chain.
Unlike us,
We made it with love and faith together.
Unlike your rented heart,
I had mine.
but burnt.
Gone on a jet plane .
EXPECTING.
Cause i never knew the house we bought together would be sold off,
never knew those glitters would be blown off.
hope, trust, love, faith
DESTROYED.
Maybe the world i lived in before was full of beautiful tales.
Beautiful tales that i want to read for the last time.

will you not be mine?

hanaB Apr 2015

will you not be mine?

I knew i was following rejection.
I could hear you pleading "will you not be mine?"
I knew I was following it,
and didn't want to see it.
But following it made me delete all the memories.
Today I could feel my soul clinging on to my lifeless heart that only beat for the stars to fall from my eyes.

#stars #rejection

words.

hanaB Jan 2014

words.

gently flowing from that ***** lips.
careful as a dollar, one by one.
those words
i believed.

drizzling slowly from that ***** lips.
Like shooting stars one by one.
those words,
all lies.

You and I

hanaB May 2015

You and I

I, the selfish I.
I try to watch movies,
to forget you.
to forget that I am missing you.
to forget the pain.
You, the King of Egypt.
You've already erased me from your soul.

#bohoo

young lover.

hanaB Jan 2014

young lover.

you drowned me in that emotions.
you burnt in that flame of sorrows.
all you would say was TIME.
ten.seven ....

I would stumble and choke.
all you would say was time.
where is that berrry I fell for?
four.

Don't cry you said.
you knew.
one.
zero.

BEEP BEEP BEEP..........

— The End —