I'm ****** with the world,
even when it's done nothing wrong.

Funny how that works.

I left the only person whom I have loved
and who has loved me in return
to come back to you.

I ruined that relationship

for you.

And you treat me like I'm crazy.
Like I'm some wounded dog,
or some child who makes
a big fuss over a broken toy.

You broke me.

And you keep breaking me.

I just want to heal.

I want to love.

I want to be loved.

I don't want to lose anymore people I care about because of you.

My life is my own.

Stop throwing **** at me.

If you don't care, let me go.

Let me go,

so I can stop hurting the people I love

because I loved you
but you dropped me and watched me shatter on the ground
and left me there

And I love him.
And he can't even look at me.

He can't even speak to me because
I let you toss me around
me, a china doll, not whole again.

When will you drop me next?
What happens then, to something already broken?

The winter approaches
But I am not afraid
For I have the warmth of your arms

Courage.

What is courage?

Is it facing your fears

or the child born into a world

where the odds are stacked

against them?


What does

it mean to be brave?

Is it a dictionary definition

or a feeling that pulls inside of you,

demanding every ounce

of your soul?


What is fear?

It is the nagging voice

in the back of your mind,

always questioning every choice,

convinced that you

will fail.

lightning flashes across the sky like
dreams through space

The taste of bile
Tears slipping down ashen cheeks

Please don't flinch away
Not when we've shared so much

I didn't realize I meant so much to you.

How could I give you my whole heart
When you tell me about the girl you love
     that you one day plan to marry?

Why would I give you everything, heart and soul,
     only to be left behind?
To fall so completely in love with you,
     knowing there's someone you love more?
How could I not try to make it with someone else,
     someone who I thought I stood a chance with?

I thought we could walk away,
     That we'd still be okay.

How could I be so wrong?

Give it time,
     they've said.
But how can I stand by and
     watch you hurting?

What could I do,
     when I can't even look you in the face
     or return the most simple hello?

My actions were cruel, but done
     with the most honest of intentions.
Your words were cruel, but I have
     to believe they were born of hurt, that you
     don't truly mean them.


I thought we would be okay.


How could I know?


How could I know.

Let it go

and walk away.

I don't trust myself these days.
From one moment to the next,
     I don't know how I might feel
     or what I might do.

Who am I?
Who am I to judge, to look,
     to pass by?

Where can I fit in?
     Where can I stand,
     where can I go
     to find

A flock of butterflies
and a swarm of otters.
Urchins and clams, and maybe a mountain goat.

Where can I stand in this spectrum?
What color am I?

Sometimes my heart pangs a thousand melodies
all fighting to be heard.

I never used to write poems
But then I read yours
And I fell in love with your words
With you

The wind floats through my
fingers, tickling my sticky skin.
My children fall to
grow up strong or
become fodder for the
small, nimble creatures
that scramble up and down
the length of me,
my family, and friends.

The air soon turns cold
and frozen water falls from
the sky. My friends lose
their green and turn
the color of fire, but I
stay the same, even as
the biting cold shakes
their shivering skeletons.

Sometimes hairless bears
meander through our
home, making funny
noises far less pleasant
than that of our bright
winged friends that
sing jubilant phrases from
high atop our arms.

I wonder what they see,
those graceful spirits that
glide through the air
and clouds above. I
wish I were as free as
they; with wings to take
me far up towards the sun.

I hope the hole you left
fades into mere memory,
just as it did with him.

Until then it gapes open,
a black hole nothing can fill.

a blank world
          surrounded

by crayon scribblings
and a beaming sky
but
          where
is—

green
          orange
          blue
                    purple
red
                    yellow

—a bright sign and
          flashing
neon

pointing
          showing nothing
          but
submission

          only

shackled wind

pacing around my bed at night
and leaving paths
through the back of my head
they are always there
just out of sight
ever at the corner of my eye
fleeting glimpses of greasy
black slinking behind me
tracking me through
the halls of my school
and the edges of my mind

a teddy bear is all that stands
between me and them
these things more real
than the people shooting me
worried glances

when i close my eyes
they are still there
red glowing eyes
yellow fangs

maybe if i hold tighter to my
teddy bear the world
will fall back into place

Today I am jealous.
Today I am sad.
Today I am brown.

I shall dutifully
silently suffer.

Some things can't be said out loud.

Maybe not never, but not now.

"I love you."

Not now.