My heart has never
Folded in on itself
The way it did when you told me.

"I never expected this...
But...
She and I have been spending a lot of time together, and..."

Preoccupied with my breathing,
Trapping the gasps in my ribcage --

jesus oh jesus
just breathe
don't let him hear the truth in your voice
and for ****'s sake
don't cry until he hangs up

-- I missed the rest of what you said.

It's for the best, I think.

My feet are still marked
With ghosts of mosquito bites
From that evening on the dock

They itched after I left
Gnawing reminders
I scratched, leaving scars
Six faded spots like old freckles

It wasn't that night
When you asked
But it was that night
When I knew

The next day you said it: Should I leave her?
I said yes, selfishly
But I never relished your gnawing sadness

I never wanted you to hurt

Silly me
I thought you might add two more words:
Should I leave her
For you?

Instead I'm the one with the scars.

I'm not sure you exist
Though I've had my arms around you
I still don't know

I've written you
Over and over
Snippets of you in every character
Every voice
Every narrative
All finished
Before I met you
Even then
I knew you
Knew the shape of your smile
The width of your shoulders
The bold flash in your eyes
When your instinct comes out
I wrote all those things
Not knowing you were in the world

My chest folds in in itself
When I see those reflections
Those impossible men
I loved all of them
And so I love you

But

Your heart is taken
And so mine goes to dust

And still
I'm not sure
You exist

From dark we come, to dark we go,
In dark we often stay;
In dark we think, in dark we know
As night is born from day.

In dark, in dark I sleep and wake
And though it runs me through,
This darkness cannot overtake
The light I see in you.

You stood out front at dusk
Flung your arms when you saw me
Waved through January's bite
And you called to me
     Tongue slipping over syllables
          Yoga-nimble
          Easy
          Right on the first try
          Like you'd said it before, a thousand times
          (Not an easy thing with my name!)
     Your stretched crescent-mouth
     Deepened the cartography around your eyes--

That was when I knew I loved you.

I want to rhyme about you
   Crush some words together
   Chain them up in singsong rhythms
      Catchy phrases
         that earworm in my head
            and echo.

You're the sort I could write songs about
   if I wrote songs.

I hide it from you
   This thing
      Wrap it in tin foil
      Tuck it in a matchbox
      Put it on the highest closet shelf
         Under a pile of never-worn sweaters

I keep it from you
   This thing
      That bounds like an unleashed puppy
      That dances like a dust mote
      That makes me feel younger than I am
         Like I should pass you notes
            (check one yes no)
            And dot my i's with tiny graphite hearts

I take it from you
   All of it
      The calm in your arms
      The dearness of your tired eyes
      And your grief
         That subtle sag of your shoulders
      If I could
   I would take it
And carry it for you.