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the wind resided temporarily
damp clothes held to our skin
the jack daniels bottle
orbiting our group
speaking mildly
half dizzy
we said why we loved
one another
I am staring
At the same sky
I was staring at last year,
Listening to the same birds
I was listening to last year
Waiting for the same sunset
As I wait for this year

But the difference is
Everything seemed so empty
Last year
Because I didn't know you
She had starfish in her eyes
And she was eager and impatient
When daydreaming
About being
And falling
In love
And she gave herself
Freely and easily
And found tears
And heartache
More often than not
But she never did break
And you can always find her
At the end of the ocean
Gazing and dreaming
Through her starfish eyes
There are many ways I could choose to remember you, all as true as the next.*

You are the way you teasingly call my name when we’re playing hide and seek, *you are not the way you spit the same name when we are having our final fight.


You are the way your fingers intertwine with mine as we walk through the weekend flea markets looking for additions for our collection of useless vintage things, you are not the way you slam your fist into the wall and bruise your knuckles to stop yourself from bruising my face instead.

You are the warm brown eyes that gaze into mine as we sit on the patio sipping our coffees on the cool Sunday morning, you are not the bloodshot eyes blinded with anger that glare at me hard enough to pierce my skin like a blade.

You are the giggle in your voice as we convince the guards we were ‘just lost’ when they catch us in the forbidden areas, you are not the scream engineered to a decibel just right to shatter the glass of my heart.

You are the sigh curled around my name as we collapse onto the bed together, consumed and satisfied and happy, you are not the way you sigh with such exhaustion and finality that my breath catches in my throat as I know the only words that could come next.

You are the way you whisper ‘I love you’ under the pale moonlight when we stroll through the park and you say you can’t imagine ever living without me, you are not the way you whisper ‘We aren’t meant for each other’ when you realise that you can.

You are the way you held my hand for the first time, nervous and excited but just perfect, not the way you push mine away as you walk out my door for the last time.

You are the way you run towards me every time I come back from being away, *you are not the way you walk out my door for the last time, without ever looking back.
I kiss your raw lips
and say goodbye.
The sun has yet to rise.

Let us walk in peace
with the morning star.
We should make love & die.

We shoud live life every day,
not just for some day.

Love. Love. Love.
Sweet darling, I’m here,
by the fog, by the light.

With you here,
Time lies within Time
and ages slip away into seconds,
and seconds turn into Love,
which will feed on my soul for all time.
I am full of hellos, welcomes, and home sweet homes.
you wipe your sin on my skin
give me everything you hate about yourself
everything you want to hide
i want to ask you,
how it is so easy for you
to hurt me
to give me your sin
to take away my sweet, sweet, purity
but you are already somewhere else
looking like an angel
by the time I open my mouth.
i am full of hellos, welcomes, home sweet homes and sin.
I am a girl with bruises on her skin
The next time I see you I do not want to feel anything when you look at me.
15
I'm 15.
I'm 15 and I'm an alcoholic.
I'm 15 and I've been smoking cigarettes for
a year.
I'm 15 and I've been with more boys then I can count on one hand.
I'm 15 and my preexisting anxiety and depression are becoming too much for me.
I'm 15 and I don't know if I can do this anymore.
I'm 15 and I don't want to be 15.
I'm 15 and I want to be 6.
I want to be 6 when I swore I'd never touch a cigarette in my life.
I want to be 6 when I didn't even know what anxiety was.
I want to be 6 but I'm not.
I'm 15.
I'm 15 and I want to be 28.
I want to be 28 with a man who appreciates my flaws and loves me no matter what.
I want to be 28 drinking a glass of wine or two at dinner, but no more.
I want to be 28 but I'm not.
I'm 15.
I'm 15 and I'm scared.
I'm 15 and I'm scared because I'll never be 6 again, and I'm scared that I might not make it 28.
I'm 15 and I don't want to be 15.
I'm 15 and I want to be.
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