i missed the feelings that used to arise when your eyes met mine
the same little devils that caused my heart to explode and mind to race into universes unknown
i missed them so dearly and wished for them to return
my heart was better off with them than without, a matter that made no sense when they hurt it so whilst creating phantasmagoria
replaying days in my mind that i tried so desperately to forget
getting rid of the little devil's tugs on my heartstrings and getting over what used to be
then suddenly, you returned
and the waves came rushing in
like a day i can't forget

words exchanged our parents would **** us for
promised made that i don’t know i can follow through
a new relationship formed, a different one for me and you
consisting solely of your lust and my feeding into, cursing myself for every text sent
******* myself over, falling deeper and deeper once again into the idea of you
while you’re thinking of the idea of me in your bed wrapped in between sheets
desires tangled like naked bodies in bed
you are lust and i’m love, the messy bed had yet to be made

he only lays his eyes on me to create an image of who he wants me to be to lock away in his memories and replace who i am with who he wants me to be
he only desires me for my body, he’s come crawling back when i told him that the next relationship i have i think i’ll be ready to explore more of my sexuality
the desire to run hands up and down my thighs and hips never faded but whatever attraction that went deeper than physical died long ago and now the lust thrives within
he only likes me for what i have to offer, not in the moral sense of the phrase, i know he only speaks to me in this mannerism again just so she can see me on my knees staring up with pretty little eyes
he only wants me for my body and what i can supply but i still want him for his soul and his mind.

clouded head pounding with a sense of regret
is it regret? or is it a yearning for  what I once had?
confused by your sudden actions, you keep tugging at heart strings that are almost threads, barely holding together
head spinning, this room I sit in seems to be shrinking, the dark seems to overtake the little light that spills in under the space between the door and hard wooden floors
clutching my head in agony, my heart is screaming at the pain you inflict on tugging at the strings
i feel a slice, cut the strings in half, the pain comes to a halt
a brief numb overcomes my body, a silence instills in the room
and then out of thin air, just like your change of mind, all of the pain floods into my veins and I scream out into the abyss
oh the things you can inflict upon me.

it’s 5:52 and my first thought is obviously of you
my eyes are wide and i go online to see if there’s any possibility of conversing
the first thing my eyes see are two sentences that my heart cannot withstand
the realisation that you’re moving on and i’m still stuck in heartbreak land
why is it that the good ones always hurt you the most but move on the quickest?
it’s 5:55 and at this point my mind is racing
flashbacks to a time that seemed to be golden
the first instinct to draw a crimson red because you still provoke a sickening anxiety oh how my head is in agony
but i suppress, knowing that i shouldn’t have to ask myself if that’s my blood.
and you answer, and somehow i forget what i 5:52 brought me

nights i used to spend lying awake are now spent in a slumber i never want to arise from
the detriment of sleeping for more than eight hours has since vanished, that's what sadness can do to a body
the exhaustion that comes from factors of my brain that i cannot control and a pain so deep rooted in the cavities of my heart propel me into a twelve hour slumber that feels like twelve minutes
dragging my feet on the ground like deadweight, my god i am deadweight
deprivation of serotonin can **** ones strength and energy, i have never been so tired
heartbreak throws a body into a boxing ring and tells it to fight the champ, while the body has been starved of all life
exhaustion has become my new state of being, someone save me please.

dear you,
I don’t know why I still write about you, whatever we had cease to exist, but I guess that’s another concept I cannot wrap my head around.
Half of me screams out that I’m over you, and the other half is still very much in love with you, quite the turmoil you’ve created within my heart.
Some days you don’t cross my mind, and others you’re all my mind wanders to.
Everything reminds me of you though, in some aspect at least.
I cannot stop associating things with the golden haired boy who was the physical form of sunshine with the dazzling blue eyes that looked like the ocean.
The sun feels different now, I hate to go outside and feel it because it makes me feel how you did, you were the sun, you still are.
The ocean makes me sick and pitiful, when I go near I a tempted to drown myself in its glisten, the glisten that’s shared with your eyes.

I still care for you, with all of my heart.
I always find myself wanting to tell you certain things like “you should get some sleep darling it’s getting late” or “I hope you’ve eaten good today” or simply asking if you’re okay, but I stop myself because that’s not my position any longer.

I want to stop loving you and I promise I will eventually
the idea of you is still every much infatuated by my heart
my god i promise to stop loving you, we’re different people now.

I promise,,