They always taught us that angels were beautiful golden haired creatures; pale skin, soft features, the warriors of the big man upstairs.
I always thought that angels were just bright, bright stars; who come down to earth to help us shine brighter.
I've met many angels in my life.
One was a kind older woman, my mothers age, that wore scarves and bandannas to cover her shaven head. She liked going out for corn dogs when the chemo was too much.
One was a rounder taller woman, a booming voice and a smile always on her face. Whenever I thought of her, I saw copper pennies.
Angels come to us when we need them most, they say.
But they never said about when they go away.
When all that's left is a feather and a few precious memories.
When they're reduced to a spark compared to how much they shone.
When all that's left for you is a feather and memories.
They never said to me what happens when they leave, yes.
But they never told me that more come our way.

Fold, crease, unfold, repeat, turn over, fold, crease, unfold, repeat.
New sheet of paper, same thing, again and again and again
One chance, only one wish
One wish for a thousand paper cranes.

Cracks in the china
glue glue glue glue
glue it all back together
fix what is broken
even with ****** bandaged hands
more cracks
more glue
more caution
more bandages
i am so tired
of trying to fix
a china doll
that wishes
to be
broken.

i've been crying for what seems like days now
another loop
another hurtle
of course, of course, its never that easy.
sleep all day
cry most of the night
"don't be a sad sack."
chew on my lip
fiddle with my hands
crying again
sleeping again
"stop being a sad sack."
chew on my finger nails
bags under my eyes
can't cry anymore
don't want to hear it again
smile, smile
won't say it again if you smile.

I never see you
I rarely get to hear your voice
Have you ever really looked at me?
You've never talked to me one on one with any real sincerity in your words
Only always with that plain greeting and fake smile
We've tried, you know?
To be with you
To just be near you for god's sake.

And every time,
you push
us
away.

Mom told me that when the two of you were little that you stayed at your grandmother's house for a night. You had an old t- shirt, and they had silk pajamas.
She said that you've never forgotten how that felt.
To be the poor relation in the family
To have less than someone else
To be seen as less to someone else.

We wear old t-shirts.
And you wear the silk pajamas.
I'm never going to forget the way you've treated us.
But you will.
You always do.

Light touches, ghostly flits over my own hands
They smile
Sun and stars they call me, kissing the back of my hand
Warm
Warm and real and safe
And they love for love's sake
Love in their gaze, in their heart
My moon, my air, my dearest
I am home.

Hands are shaking, loud, always loud and in my face
Something is gripping at my heart, hard to breathe, to look them in the face
Tears
I'm crying
Shaking harder, louder, always louder at the tears
Try to make them stop won't you?
It never really works.