Dear 17-year-old me,

I'm sorry that we failed you so many times. I'm sorry we didn't get the help you needed.  I know you are so incredibly sad but you will get better. It will get a lot worse before it gets better. You will get your heart broken. You will be alone. You will try to fix it by sleeping with a guy who can't love you and he will hurt you repeatedly. You will hurt you and everyone around you because of it. You will drink too much. You will get really drunk at a party and tell a guy he can do something to you that won't make you feel better. You will pass out. He will do it anyway. You will be best friends for a longtime. You will feel violated and *****. People will be mad at you for it. People will look at you different and make fun of you for it. You will stop eating. You will start cutting again. You will stop believing in God. You will try to **** yourself. You will drop out of art school. You will start smoking and doing many things you never thought you would do. You will start purging. You will leave scars on your body too deep to heal. You will try to get help. You will fail. You will lose sleep. You will sleep every other night. You will hate yourself. But it will stop.

You will find God. You will get help. You will start eating again and you will gain a lot of weight but it will be okay. You will realize you were taken advantage of at that party and you will know that is why you are struggling. You will forgive yourself and stop being friends with that guy. You will start sleeping. You will find joy in sorrow. You will love and be loved. You will paint and draw and create. You will stop cutting. You will laugh so much. You will look depression in the face and say "you don't own me." You will be strong. You will hope. You will grow.

I wish I could hug you and tell you that you are beautiful and wanted and worthy. I want to tell you that you are smart and creative and enough. I want to tell you that the world will come crashing down around you and you will be okay. I want to tell you that I love you and one day you will too. Keep going because life gets so much better. You get so much better.

-Your biggest fan, 20-year-old you

You know, all I want to do is go up to the very top of a mountain and sit down to watch the sunrise, watch the sky change into magical colors. I would stretch my arms out wide and give the sun a hug, let it's warmth fill my soul with happiness and joy.

But darling,
He feels lust and calls it love
Plants a tree and calls it an orchard
Breaks a heart and calls it art
Swears that he will stay
and calls it the truth...
When he leaves you,
Tsunamis of tears will crash over your body
Simultaneously streaming from your soul
in waves even greater than his ego...
He could never have truly loved you, darling...
*Not in the way that I do.