We look for love where we lost it.
We look for love where we'll never find it.

I keep finding bullets stuck between my teeth
The same ones you bought the day you decided the ceiling would look better covered in blood.
Maybe that’s why everything I say
sounds like it’s is trying to **** me.
But what do you do
when you stand in front of a mirror
with a gun to your head
and your reflection smiles back at you?
What do you do
When you stand in the middle of a busy road
And every driver is a different version of yourself you’ve tried to ****.
Every version of yourself
No one could love.
My mother used to get in fist fights with the mirror and expect to win
She says I look just like her
Maybe that’s why I wake up and can’t recognize who I am.
I checked the obituaries this morning
Trying to find myself again
It’s a habit I picked up from you
But I never thought your name would end up there before mine.
Sometimes I imagine what death feels like
Sometimes I imagine kissing you instead
By now it feels like I’m imagining the same thing.
Someone once told me that begging you to come home
Isn’t the same as praying
Maybe that’s why God stopped listening
and started smashing the windows of every place I thought we could be happy in.
Your smile looked a lot like the light at the end of the tunnel
Right before the train hits you.
I used to squint my eyes when I looked at you
Like I was looking at the sun
Or a car accident I wanted to be part of
I’m sorry I ever thought you could be anything ugly to me
You were the only beautiful thing in this hideous place.
I couldn't look at you clearly,
because I knew I would see my own face staring back at me and
your eyes were the only place I never wanted to be dead inside of.
You can only break your knuckles so many times
Before you cant hold yourself together anymore.
My hands haven’t stopped shaking since you left
I don’t know how to tell them you’re not coming back.
See, I used to say I never wanted to end up like my father
Now I have to say I never want to end up like you,
Which means I can’t leave without saying goodbye
But I tried to write my eulogy last night
And realized it's hard to write about someone I never knew.

When you left
I sat in the silence
Thinking of all we were and all we were yet to be.
I cannot stop seeing your ghost walking around,
Lurking in all the places where we were happy.
It haunts me in my dreams,
Reminds me of all we were and all we were yet to be.
I don't know how to tell my body that it won't be held in your arms anymore.
Because she's held securely in them.
I don't know how to teach my neck to stop craving the light graze of your lips.
Because tonight they're resting lightly on hers.
I hoped you'd hear my voice above the silence
And rescue me before I drowned
In the darkness of my soul,
I hoped you would find me
And love my  beautiful mess.

Love is abstract,
That's what we've always been taught,
And I believed it.
However, when you came along
You shook me,
Awoke me.
You changed my opinion.

You came and contextualized this, rather strange, feeling.
You made it a reality.
Love now became a way of life,
It became your eyes, your smile, the hum of your voice
And the warmth of your presence.

Home was wherever you were.
You were my home,
I know I shouldn't have found home in your arms,
But home is where love lives and,
You are love.
But you moved out and left me homeless.

Even something as hypnotic and breathtaking as fire, leaves behind something as *****, grey and irrelevant as ash.

A flower is only sought after for as long as it is fresh and pretty
Don't be like a flower
Don't believe what they declare
We are not just a simple DNA
We are the universe summed up into one
Observe the rules but don't be submissive
Follow your heart but never lose your mind
Pick your own battles and fight it well
And everyday
Don't fail to recall
That you are a fighter
Strong, courageous, wise
Yet still so sweet and soft
Fair, Confident, Honest,
A woman of virtue and respect
You are stunning on your own
You don't need any guy to prove your worth


©Leigh Herondale  *October 2015

I chose feminism because I believe in equality between genders.
because I’m against gender roles, men who need a woman to get their **** done are not “cute” and are nothing but spoiled little brats.
because my virginity, my body hair and how I dress up are none of your business.
I chose feminism because I’m not a *** machine nor a baby producer I value much much more than that.
because I don’t need a man to validate my self worth, I already know what I’m worth.
because in some countries ***** women are forced to spend the rest of their life under the same roof as their assaulter.
I chose feminism because a woman who speak up and raise her voice is a ***** .
because in my city a woman was beaten by her husband the night of their wedding because she didn’t “bleed” in the *******.
I chose to speak up because an 8 year old Yemeni girl died of internal injuries at the hands of 40 year old husband on their wedding night.
because ****** is not a ***** word and my periods are not disgusting.
because more women need to speak up and speak for their rights
I chose feminism and everyone should do the same .