the one feeling that is most foreign to my life
inadequate in every way I can see
using beanies to cover up my flaws the best i can
hiding behind my words like a mask
odds stacked against me in everything i do
and everyone that I have any feelings towards
speaking only when there is no other option
approach me at your own risk and I will hide inside my notebook
cover my face and fall into my own little world
I am not fit to live inside this one

I dont know what my feelings are anymore. They seem to just lead me into oblivion. They talk me into doing things that always end. In tragedy. They put my heart and mind on the line, and i always lose the bet. They open my eyes to new opportunities only to be blinded by them. They tell me that one day tears will stop streaming down my cheeks. They tell me to speak kind words to others, but i feel empty when others do the same. They tell me everything is going to be ok when im not. They tell me one day i will hold someone special in my arms, yet everytime i reach my hands fall short. They tell me one day my i will lay next to the one that i love. They tell me that everything is and adventure, but im the guy who always dies at the end. They tell me sometimes that i should just give up and give into my self-hatred. They tell me to write down what is on my mind no matter how light or how dark it may seem. So right now im doing just that following my feelings into the darkness once more. A darkness that holds a table with a gun, a knife, and a rope telling me these will make me feel better. I want to stop following my feelings, but now they are the only thing that can lead me out of the dark. So im going to grab its hand, and hope im not led astray once again.

I took a left, I took a right
Yet the outcome did not change
My heart was still broken into pieces
Like shattered mirrors on the wet floor
Watching all the mistakes I've made inside each shard
Like a bad memory looped on repeat

I'm stuck inside what passes for my mind
The infinite choices given
None of them even worth taking
I will just say to myself that i'm a lost cause
A ship with no captain, lost inside a stormy sea
And a captain must go down with his ship

I don’t know what my feelings are anymore. They seem to just lead me into oblivion. They talk me into doing things that always end. In tragedy. They put my heart and mind on the line, and I always lose the bet. They open my eyes to new opportunities only to be blinded by them. They tell me that one day tears will stop streaming down my cheeks. They tell me to speak kind words to others, but I feel empty when others do the same. They tell me everything is going to be okay when I’m not. They tell me one day I will hold someone special in my arms, yet every time I reach my hands fall short. They tell me one day my I will lay next to the one that I love. They tell me that everything is and adventure, but I’m the guy who always dies at the end. They tell me sometimes that I should just give up and give into my self-hatred. They tell me to write down what is on my mind no matter how light or how dark it may seem. So right now I’m doing just that following my feelings into the darkness once more. A darkness that holds a table with a gun, a knife, and a rope telling me these will make me feel better. I want to stop following my feelings, but now they are the only thing that can lead me out of the dark. So I’m going to grab its hand, and hope I’m not led astray once again.

You're the undead that people fear in the streets at night
You're so beautiful and poised and alluring
But you sunk your fangs into my neck and you drained me of my happiness and left me to suffer and become one of your kind
I don't want to be bitter. I don't want my heat to turn as cold as your touch
Why didn't you just **** me?

Ive left my mark so you can never forget my touch
I took a bite so I could feel warmth for once in my life
I regret my actions that have left you in the cold
Now I am forced to watch my handiwork as you slowly suffer

You always said I was beautiful
Why would you want something so fragile and beautiful to suffer
I was so innocent. I was so sheltered.
I would have given my life if only you had asked
But instead you took it from me

You're the most beautiful thing I have ever laid my eyes upon
But as fragile and broken as I've made you become for that I am sorry
The broken pieces of me seemed to fall out of place with yours
Your life was too beautiful for me to take
For I am just a monster who steals what doesn't belong to me
Leaving emptiness in my wake

all I seem to do is write now
writing my feelings on these scraps of paper
are the really poetry
or are they something more
something deep down in the darkness i feel
you may just brush these words off
like anyone else you have done this to
caring only for yourself and nothing else
consuming these words and spitting them back out
without a second thought as to how i feel
your selfish ways have driven me to the cliff of insanity
come to your senses and i hope that you realize
what pain you've caused and put me through
i don't want your meaningless apologies i've heard before
just that you understand and move on
i will not beg for you back
or waste one more second thinking about you
i leave you with these words
and the memories that together we have shared
goodbye and goodnight, now and forever

the sounds of earth move beneath my feet

dragging me down below

my hands scrapping at the floor

looking for something to keep me here

my arms losing strength

my back giving in

then the thought of you holds me still

allowing me to save myself

to come back for you

you sat next to me on the bus when we were kids
every time my heart started beating faster and faster
"WHAT DO I DO, WHAT DO I DO!!" the thought racing through my mind
I like her so much, but I don't want to lose her friendship
if she had said yes I would have given my heart to her
carried her backpack, written poetry for her, kissed her, cuddled her, told her how beautiful she was to me everyday, held her hand, given her massages, taken her where she wanted to go, brought her flowers, and taken her on picnics where we could lay there for hours watching the stars and talking through sunset to sunrise
but she said no, so I just do know, how can I know, what I don't know
I said I'm just gonna go
so I moved to the back of the bus and watched her laugh with her friends like nothing had ever happened
and that's when i met her, the only one who comforted me,
sitting back there with me because she saw the pain in my eyes
at least someone cared
I had hope once again

she is an untold beauty in my eyes
kept from the world for far too long
her words are such an exquisite taste
her eyes glowing with the radiance of the sun reflecting on water
a smile that could make the grinch blush
when she speaks to me, my ears beg for more
when she looks at me, my heart misses a beat
when she smiles at me, I smile for her
i could stare at her for hours, reading poems I've written
i want to just hold her in my arms even if only for a moment
place my hands on her lungs and help her to breathe
give her a kiss so she knows that I care
whispering sweet honey in her ears like she deserves

Watching the water as it flows around the rocks
Gently pushing through unimpeded
Combing itself around so elegantly
It truly is beautiful to watch

Calms my mind, my fingers, my heart, and my soul
Reminds me of the blood flowing through my veins
Tells me I’m only human, my mortality indefinite
To enjoy these simple pleasures in life
To find an opportunity in what comes my way

Helping me to find my inner color and inner peace
Become one with the nature surrounding my physical self
Wrapping it up around me like a blanket
Show my love for everything I have
I am an effigy suspended on a bridge of time
Embracing what is to come my way

that feeling you get when you can't stand something
where you resent every moment of your existence
living misunderstood throughout life
that feeling of resentment towards one whose hurt you deeply
where it feels like your heart has been ripped out
replaced by a knife ever so slowly growing larger as time goes by
like a hand around my heart squeezing until every drop drains away
that feeling of looking in the mirror and hating what you see
the being stuck in your mind with no clear path out
the point where you punch holes in the wall
trying to mimic what its like inside your head
to the point of a pen on paper and text on this screen

the vision of you haunts me

tearing apart my dreams

crossing the threshold

into this reality




the perfect balance

life and death

feels so sweet

i embrace both

loneliness is an island inside my soul
a vacation home readily available for my escape
somewhere I have built impenetrable walls
scared to go anywhere beyond them
its this feeling that has consumed the last few years of my life
some place that I want to break out of but don't know how
its that one teardrop that will always fall from my face
that one cut inside my heart that will be always be surrounding it
its like a noose I can't remove from my neck
like balancing on a chair with one leg
at any second I could fall to my eternal loneliness

Another day that comes once a year
a day for you, about you, only you

Celebrate these numbers that we all keep counting
remembering the more we live, the more we share

Remember your friends and family, keeping them close
as they will be with you always in body, mind, and spirit

You'll get to where you're going, to the greatest lengths of life
though a long journey still awaits in your years to come

the knowing that the sun rises and sets with your eyes on me
the feeling of looking in her eyes and touching her lips
where i can put my hand in her chest and feel her heart beat
leaving my everlasting mark in her heart and on her mind
the goosebumps and rapid pulse that i get just thinking about her
that willingness to walk over broken glass barefoot
while carrying her in my arms
the feeling of loving her qualities and not just her beauty
the moment when i know that these words are not just words
but verbal translation of my love spilling out of my mouth

She is the girl that holds my heart in both of her hands
Carrying it gently careful not to stumble or fall
She squeezes her hands gently together to keep it beating

She softly places her soft lips upon mine
Blowing air into my crippled and empty lungs
Air flows through my lungs and I begin to breather once more

She places her hands on my head and whispers in my ear
“Come back to me”, as my synapses in my brain begin to fire
Every memory of her and me racing through my mind

Every nerve in my body shoots back to life
My body springs to life, my arms embracing her tightly
My eyes looking deeply into hers, seeing the reason for life

She has put me together and brought me back to life
Given a new meaning to devotion and a reason to live

The depth of the ocean absorbing the color from the sky
the crashing waves like clouds in the ocean

The heart of the forest shedding its green hue to a passing brown
the natural life to death, shared by all living

The core of the flames lashing out with its orange fingers
disrupting, destroying, turning black as night

The vibrant yellow of our sun it's grasp reaching out
both destruction and life in one single entity

The red of our blood coursing through our veins
we bleed it,we shed it, we share it

reality

or fiction

to real to

make a distinction

eyes forming illusions

voice echoing gently

your scent fills the air

seeing you everywhere

Take my eyes and see what I see

The beauty inside yourself that

You deny with no second thought

About the truth that lies in my words

that feeling that eats at the back of my mind
it scares me to death that in some way i might lose you
and everything that i have worked to build for us
any chance at me losing you in my life haunts the back of my mind
even if for a split second, or even a single memory
this feeling trying to surround my happiness with you
constantly fighting back with all the light i have
the sheer possibility that i could fall back to where i used to be
the scars that have long since faded

unsure as to where my mind has gone
did it take a left at the fork in the road
i'm stuck here on the right path
with a broken heart
and a blind thirst to consume what i need
but something that i can't seem to find
i will walk this earth like the zombie i am
searching for the love i cant find
slowly starving from the lack of

The chaos that ensues in my mind
This process we call thinking
When the tide turns inward
Causing me to flee to a safer place
Scared to face the feelings that
I know are the cause of these waves
As I run I feel my legs start to give in
I collapse to my knees
Slowly the waves begin to close in my fate
I look my hands remembering the things I’ve said
And the things I will never to accomplish
Welcoming this coming tide
Letting all final thoughts rest in peace

eyes like black holes

pulling me in

lips connecting

going supernova

making our

very own galaxy

(Insert your galaxy name here)

i've never tasted a poison as sweet as hers
its like tasting the portal between heaven and hell
taking me to another dimension
as much as i love it i know
that it slowly but surely is killing me
i don't know how to escape something i love so much
its the addiction that i could never kick
this disease she holds called love

words choked down
gasps for air
suffocating
kept quiet for too long
overflowing
emotions pouring
thoughts racing
speak my mind
free at last

a thousand leaves on the tree
one by one falling
to an unknown fate that awaits
weather to the ground where eternally rest
or where the winter gust blows me to
there is no going back to what i know
and only the future to live towards

count the seconds
watch the minutes
keep the hours
hold the days
indulge the weeks
mark the months
remember the years
picture an eternity
now picture it without her

Trapped inside my own skin, in complete agony
feeling the destruction within, a shard of glass away
the want to dig deep down, removing the unwanted
on the surface a face of stone, underneath fracturing
ever the silent killer, the uncommunicated pain
why is this crushing ever present, following always
every path being taken, reverting back
trying, changing, rearranging
still trapped alive, how to escape hopeful
possibilities are evolving, leaving with maybe an expanding future  
a way back to existence, and feelings of self loathing