I need reassurance
I need confirmation
A daily reminder
And a weekly gesture
Simply because I am weak,
insecure,
and doubtful.

I want you to know that I need attention
Lots of it
And I want you to find my cool spot
When I'm a burning flame.

And if you call me needy
I don't think you need me.
I need love
I need affection.
Your attention is my goal
Give me your protection.

what a lot of people don't understand is that it gets the worst at night
everything gets too close to real and suddenly blurring the world with eyes squinted shut isn't quite as effective
my stomach drops out and panic worms through my chest and it doesn't matter if I just had the best day of my life because none of that is important when I can't breathe

The more I think about it
The more I put it off
The more I realize that you were just a distraction
That your love was just a reaction
That I could wake up tomorrow and leave as you make ****** coffee in our tiny kitchen whose tiles are chipped because we threw that party and your friend got drunk and busted them with a steak knife
We laughed about it later
But I think it was scary
And that’s how it always was
We could laugh it off and call them good times
but when I showered and the water was cold and sent icepricks down my spine and numbed the bruises from your hands was when I knew
you couldn’t change
I stuck around a little longer because I thought you made me happy
and I thought that /without you/
I was nothing more than an empty shell
A fragile frame filled with childish hopes and dreams
A girl who wanted to grow into a woman but she couldn’t
Not while she was with you
I packed my bags last night and I left the apartment while you were showering
I’m going back to my parents’ house and I’m going to figure out what I’m doing
and then maybe that girl can get her life straightened into a long highway instead of the crumbling sidewalk she once shared with you

you made me forget that i had acne and an unattractive bulge around my middle
you made me think that life was more than a dead end i accidently turned down
you made the stretch marks on the inside of my thighs into stars mapping constellations
you made getting up and remembering to breathe and hydrate seem important again
you made those empty feelings tuck away into a neat folder labeled NO at the back of my mind
you made the call of release softer
the strangling cacophony quieter
the heartflutters and catchbreaths less...disabling
you called my pale skin creamy and my cold heart warm and you traced love into my back after a night full of passion to remind me that yes you were real and yes this was life
and it was worth living
until
until
until
my lists of diagnosis became overwhelming and the pill bottles stacked up
your mom called me unstable and your sister shot sympathetic looks through lenses of dismay
your caress became hesitant and your words became darts
(that’s ten points for an insult and a bullseye if you make her cry)
i came back to a place we used to call home together and all that you left was your old university hoodie and a note saying you loved me
it didn’t seem to mean as much anymore

You're supposed to get up every day and walk with purpose
Smile and greet others
Push your cheeks up until it hurts
Laugh at the right times and be quiet when you're told
Be kind
Apologize
Make sure everyone knows they're important because you're not sure you are
And as a woman you must be gentle and loving because women never lose their temper, never think ill of somebody else, never let that all important façade drop
You're pretty sick of it
because you feel like you're dying
but no one takes it seriously because you're an overemotional female
So it's probably just hormones (***, you know) and you'll get over it in a few days
Yes, you're fine, you say when asked because you know they don't really want to know
what goes on inside your pretty, smiling head