16 years
16 years I've been breathing
Or, for the past few,
Trying my best to breathe

I cling to the blade
That for the past few years
Has been my only friend

I would've liked nothing more
Than to not make it
To my
"Sweet 16"

I don't want to be here
I don't think I ever have

There's nothing left for me
Can't I go home?

-e.w.

I told you
You would get sick of me
You would say that I
"Need help"
When really all I need
Is you to talk to me and make sure
I get to tomorrow

But no
My depression has now
Crawled to the surface
And can be seen
By everyone who dares to
Look

And now
You look at me
Like I'm a monster
Like I want to be this way
Like I meant to hurt you
I never wanted this
I promise I didn't

I promise
I promise
I promise

Please stay

Please
Please
Please

-e.w.

I always seem
To describe you
As nicotine

Because even if I'm
Sober
From the way
You make me feel

There's still that lingering
Addiction
Flowing through my veins.

-e.w.

I'm trying
to get better,
to not be sad,
to be okay

I promise.

-e.w.

I talked to you
about all the mixed up stuff
kept away in my
head

You were understanding
and helpful
and it was great
And I felt
much better than usual

You helped me so much
when I thought you would
get mad

But you didn't

And I'm so thankful
for everything you do

-e.w.

I'm trying to be happy

I'm trying to be positive

I'm trying
for you

-e.w.

For the first time
In a long time
My mind has been empty
And I can't hear
One **** thing
Except the beating of the drum
That has taken the place
Of my heart

-e.w.

I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry
That I can't write
Happy poems

Because I try to write them
To maybe
Cheer me up

But nothing comes out,
But ****** mistakes
And broken pieces


I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry
That I'm just not
Happy

Because I try to
Look on the bright side
And think about
The future

But I can't
When everything is
Falling apart
And I'm left here
Alone


But I promise that
I wish I could be happy
But I just
Can't

And trust me,
I've tried

-e.w.

nine days
until I can finally
get out of this
hell

but I wish it was longer
than for just
the summer

-e.w.

There's nothing I like more
Than to think about
How my life will be
Just 2 or 3 years from
Now

Because most people are
Scared and worried
For the future

While I sit here
Waiting for the day
When I can throw
That graduation cap
High up into the air

Pack my bags
And move somewhere
Where no one knows my
Name

And find someone
Who lights up even my
Darkest days
And is there with me
No matter what;
Who I can spend forever with


I can't wait to leave this place
Of fakes
To find something
Real.

-e.w.

You said
Tomorrow is a new day
That we can leave
All our baggage
Behind us
And start over

And that hit me
Because those are the words
I've been dying
To hear

And of course
It came from the man
Who had been singing on stage
And keeping me alive
And letting me know

I am never
Alone.

-e.w.

Two more days
Until I get to hear
The songs
That keep me alive
And see the two boys
That make all that
Possible

Because they write the
Music
That help me get
Through the days

And lately,
This concert has been
The only thing
I'm staying alive for

-e.w.

It's nights like these
That I wish
I could just
Disappear

-e.w.

everyday
I
wait
for
hope
that
will
never
come

-e.w.

I've come to the
realization
that I will never be
strong enough
to end my life

And that makes me
want to end it
even more

-e.w.

I did it.

And I tried reading your text
over and over
to see if I could get
the evil thoughts
to leave my mind.
To see if I could pull away
the sharp metal
pressed against my skin.

But your words
meant nothing
in that moment.
When all I could think about
was how I was going
to leave this world

-e.w.

I wish I had you back
So I could text you
When I feel like
Leaving this world

Because you were the only one
Who could text me
And say to go to bed
Before I did anything
I might regret
And I would,
Just for you

But now
I'm stuck here
Alone
Because you found
Someone else

And I try,
Oh I try,
To hate you
For doing that to me
For just leaving me
Like I was
Nothing

And when my thoughts
Haunt all my dreams
And nightmares
That now become
Reality

You're not there

And maybe,
You never were

-e.w.

Today's been bad
           The worst in awhile
                 And it's days like these
                        That I wish I could just
                                  End it.
-e.w

Right now
The only thing
I want to do
Is just sit here
And not worry about
One
****
Thing

-e.w.

It tears me apart
When I want so badly
To pursue the one thing
In this world
That makes me truly happy

But it's so hard
When there are so many people
Who are so much
Better
Than me
And I know
I'll never
Make it out
On top

-e.w.

You never notice
Or,
Maybe you pretend
So you never
Have to

-e.w.

There was something
About the cold metal
Sliding across my
Innocent skin
As it slowly ripped it open,
Like a zipper on a jacket

There was just something about it
That always had me crawling back
To do it once more

-e.w.

There was nothing I liked more
Than walking past you
Pretending I didn't see you
As you stared at me,
Yearning for me to look

But I didn't
And I never do

Because I told myself awhile ago
That if you wanted me
You would've tried
At least a little
To talk to me
And try at
Whatever the hell
This is,
Or was
Between
Us

-e.w.

I've been called
A "self-loathing *****"
Too many times
To count on
Two hands
Just in the past
Week

But I'm sorry
That I hate
Every inch
Of this body that I'm
Trapped in

And I'm sorry
That every word
That slips from my lips,
I look at
As a huge mistake

And I'm sorry
That you think
I'm just doing it
All for "show"

When in reality
There's something
Deep in my chest
That makes me
So depressed
And it
Just
Won't
Leave.

-e.w.

All I want
Is for this
******* headache
To leave me alone
Because for the past
Year and a half
The only pain
I ever feel
Is the one
Residing in my
Head

-e.w.

I haven't felt like
Myself lately
I've felt
Different

Because I've gone through
Stages
From my innocent little girl phase
To a person who was
Bombarded
With the things of this cruel world
And had to feel everything
So strongly
To a girl who is
Emotionless
To everything

Because I don't feel
An ache
Or a break
In this fragile heart
Deep in my chest anymore

I feel nothing

And something drastic could happen
And I know
I would still feel
Nothing

-e.w.

I had been clean
From the red lines
That cover my arms
That appear
Each time the voices
In my head
Get louder
And meaner

I had been clean
For 2 weeks
An all time
Record
For me

But I broke

I broke because
The voices filled my mind
With evil and
Self-loathing
Thoughts
And I just couldn't
Handle it

And somewhere
Deep in my dying heart
I deserve it.

-e.w.

The taste of regret
Fills my mouth
As your name and face
Pop into my head

Because I don't know why
I ever thought
You could be different
Or you could be
Good for me.

-e.w.

I breathe you in
Like a puff of stale
Cigarette smoke

You fill my lungs
With confusion
And a hint of
Regret

Because part of me wishes
I would never have
Met you

But part of you lingers,
Like the smell of cigarettes
On a chain smoker,
Stained all over my body

-e.w.

Goodbyes are so much easier
When it's the last one
You'll ever have to
Say.

-e.w.

I wish so badly
That I could take back
Everything
I've ever said to
Everybody
So I wouldn't have gotten close to
Anybody
Because then I wouldn't be a
Somebody
In their minds

Because then it might make
Swallowing these ******* pills
So much easier.

-e.w.

I sit here alone,
17 minutes until midnight,
Wondering why the hell
I was ever put in this ******* world
Because I know so many people
Who would love to see me
Just disappear

And trust me,
I wish I could.

-e.w.

I say I'm sorry
Like it's going out of
Style

Because I know
I've been a **** person,
Maybe even the ******* person
In the world

And I can't say just how
Sorry
I am

Because you'll never
understand.

-e.w.

I know I shouldn't miss you
I know it
With every fiber
In my dying body
Because I know
When you lie awake at night
Or,
In the middle of class
Or,
Even when everything else
Has crossed your mind,
And there's nothing more to think about
I know I will never cross your mind

And I know,
As sure as the blood
Runs through these veins,
You will never
Miss me

Because I was nothing
To you

-e.w.

I write these words
Arranged in different sentences
As they sit nicely
On the lines of a poem
So I can maybe make something
Out of the hell raging on
Inside my mind.

-e.w.

one minute
i hate your guts,
and the next
i'm hopelessly drowning
in those ocean blue eyes
and i know
that we never have a chance
because you have her
and she's so much better
than me
but sometimes,
for a few moments,
i love to think
that one day
you'll talk to me
like you used to
and we could help each other
heal our hearts
that are shattered in a
million pieces

-e.w.

you scare me
you scare me so ******* much
because when I think about you
I think about all the crazy things
I would do with
and for you

-e.w.

I'm sitting here
Listening to music,
Sitting outside
And enjoying
That for once,
I'm not worrying about anything

And I get to
Clear my mind
And not think
About anything
Except the stars
That hang,
Or float,
Or however they stay
In the tidal wave colored
Sky.

-e.w.

For the first time in awhile
I took a bath
And I went outside
And just sat there
For the first time
In a long time
And thought about
Everything
For the longest time

And it was the best feeling
In the whole world

-e.w.

I can't make my poems rhyme
Or flow
Like I wish I could
My brain just
Spits my thoughts out
Onto the empty paper
Like my brain is sick with all these thoughts
And this is the way to get better

I liked you
       But I know
           You don't like me too,
                                 But it's okay
                                    No one seems to
                                                     Anyway

-e.w.

Sometimes I feel like maybe
You actually realize that I'm having
A harder time with "growing up"
Than you did

Because you go on and on
About how you were the most
Perfect
Kid in the whole world

Because you got A's
All through school
And you had friends
That adored you
And you collected
Those **** records
That you probably love
More than anything

And besides having terrible parents
That were always drunk
You were a perfect kid
Who lost his hair at 5
And that didn't phase you because
You knew you had potential
To do whatever you wanted
As long as you got perfect grades
And as long as you were
Perfect

But you don't understand
That sometimes (most of the time)
I feel like I am the person in the world
With the absolute least amount of potential

But you don't understand
Because you were perfect
And in your daughter's eyes,
I see it and
Know it's true.

I listen to these songs
On repeat
Because maybe through these
Paper thin walls
You can hear the lyrics
And maybe realize
The lyrics are the only way
For me to feel like I'm getting
Even a little bit of this lingering pain
Off my heavy chest.

-e.w.

There's something
Odd
That grows
In the pit of my
Stomach
When I get asked
To a party
Or to go
Hangout
Because I feel like
I just get asked
Out of
Pity
Instead of them
Actually wanting me  
To go

Because I have
This feeling
That everyone just
Feels bad for me
For being
Stupid,
Ugly and
Not able
To talk well
With people

Because I stutter
With every word
That slips
From my horrible
Dry mouth

And I shake
When someone
Asks me even a
Simple question

Because I can't seem
To put all the
Jumbled up
Words
In my mind
Into normal
Sentences

-e.w.

I hope
When I leave
This stupid town
I have someone new
To think about
All day
And to help
Quiet my loudest
Demons
Instead of still lingering
On someone like you

Because you have
A face of an
Angel
But the poison
Of bad intent
Coursing through
Your veins
Like the devil.

-e.w.

I'm so scared
That you won't
Think about me
As you lie awake
Restless
5 years from now
Because I tried
To give you everything
But you
Denied me
And I became
A mere
Nothing
To you

And I say
I'm over you,
I'm over this
But the truth is
You meant
A lot
To me
So I can't
Get over you
As quickly
As I want
Or,
As quickly
As my heart
Needs.

-e.w.

I'm so used to
Being 2nd choice
To you,
To him,
To her,
To Everyone
It's just an
Ongoing event
Where I don't matter
Nearly as much
As the next
Person.

-e.w.

I wish you would just
Disappear
Like I wish
I could

Because your face
Isn't nice
To see
When I'm trying
My hardest
To get over you
Because I know
You don't like me
And I know
I never meant
Anything
To you

But how do you
Get over someone
Who was never
Yours?

-e.w.