I've pushed
      Everyone away
               So they can't
                         Get close
                              To the hatred
                                       And horrors
                                              That fill my
                                                    Dying mind.
                                                                     -e.w.

You've replaced me,
Yet you tell me
I'm your
Best friend
But I know
I'm not
Because you talk
So highly
Of those
Other girls
And say that
You think they're
Hilarious
And say that
They're your
Best friend
When talking to them

And you don't
Understand
How much
That hurts
Because I am
3 hours away
From you,
But I still
Try my hardest
To keep being
Your best friend
Because you're the
Only one
That understands
Even a sliver
Of me
And I'm the
Only one
Who understands
Even a sliver
Of you

And I can't
Take it
If you leave
Too.

-e.w.

You give me
Such terrible,
Bone crippling
Anxiety
And it feels like
My heart
Is ready
To leap out of
My chest
Whenever you're
Around.

-e.w.

"Well I could be
Angry,
But you're
Not worth the
Fight."

I adore this lyric
Because it shows
That when you're
Angry
At someone
You need to let it
Go
Because it's
Not worth
Your happiness

So don't be
Angry
Smile at people
Who hurt you
Because it'll
Hurt them
In the long run.

-e.w.

I say goodbyes
Quite often
Because once someone
Enters into
My life
They seem to leave
As if
They were never
Here.

-e.w.

I hate you
So much
And it's
So hard
To pretend
Like I
Don't

Because every
Move you make,
Every word you
Say
I feel like
Either suffocating
You
Or maybe it would
Be easier
To just suffocate
Myself

Because you act
Perfect
When we all know
No one is
Perfect

Especially not
You.

-e.w.

there's
always
days
like
this
where
i
wish
i
didn't
exist.

-e.w.

I'm done.
And I know
I've said it
Over and over
But this time
I think
I mean it
Because I'm
Too stupid,
Too ugly,
Too broken,
And too
Done
To be here
Anymore.

-e.w.

I want you
So bad
But yet
I don't want
To ruin this
Like I do
Everything else.

-e.w.

I'm 15
And yet
I still cry
Like a baby
When we drive you
To the airport
For yet another
Business trip

And I remember
When I was
Just 9
And you
Went away
For a year
And it was like
A part of me
Was taken away

So now
Whenever you leave
I'm always afraid
You'll never come
Back.

-e.w.

I have this
Reaccuring dream
That you won't
Make it
To my wedding
Or even
My graduation
And it
Haunts me
Because I honestly
Don't think
I can make it
Without you

Because you're my
Favorite person
To talk to
And you're the man
That raised me

But with
All your
Diseases
Coursing through
Your heavy heart

And how you
Snore
Louder than
A cow
When you sleep.
And when
I was younger
I thought it was
Annoying and
Sleep depriving for me
But you told me,
Like it was
No big deal,
That one day
You may never
Wake up
Because the
Snoring means
That you can't breathe
When you sleep

And the
Doctors say
And you predict
You may not
Make it
Too much
Longer.

-e.w.

The only time
I'm ever even
Close
To being happy
Is when I'm with
You

Because you're my
Best friend
And I couldn't imagine
Not having you
By my side
Because you're the only one
That I can
Relate to
And trust
And you're the only one
Who knows
That this depression
Has taken over
My life

But you can
Make me
Smile
And laugh
So hard
Because I can
Completely be myself
Around you
And that's the best
Feeling
In the world

I am so glad
I met you
Just 3 years ago
Because you are
The main reason
I'm still
Here.

-e.w.

You remembered.

Somehow with keeping up
With all of your
"Friends"
You remembered
That my sister
Wasn't doing too well
And that
I
Wasn't doing too well

But I knew
By your voice
And movement
That you
Honestly didn't care
That you just
Wanted to seem
Friendly

And all these
Small acts of
friendliness
Are the things
That keep making fall
When I've almost
Gotten over
You.

-e.w.

I lied
Telling you
That we're not friends
And that
Your friend
Is "hotter" than you
Because somehow
I wanted to make you
Feel how I do

And when you joked
Saying that
I was your girlfriend
Because you got
Defensive
When your friend said it
I smiled
So wide
But I then was hit
With the realization
That you
Already have a
Girlfriend
And that I am
Just another girl
That will never
Mean anything more
To you
Then just as a
Friend.

Or,
Whatever the hell
This is
Between us.

-e.w.

I dream
Every night
Of kissing
Those lips
That go along
With that
Handsome face

I dream
Every night
Of just being able
To get
Even a seconds worth
Of a hug
From your
Aching Body

Because I know
That you struggle
With the seed
Of sadness
That grows inside
Some of us

Because you hide it
Oh-so-well

Because you don't
Want to seem
"Weak"
To all your
"Friends"

And I tell you
That I'll
Always
Be here for you
That I'm not
Going anywhere

But maybe,
You lost my
Number

Or maybe,
Your phone got
Broken

Because I don't
Want to be mad
At someone
Who suffers in
Silence
Because I know
What you're feeling
So I try
To think of the
Best scenario

But maybe,
No matter
How much of me
Wishes it
To not be true,
Maybe
You just know
You're better off
Without me.

-e.w.

I promise you
With all my
Torn up
Almost-dead
Heart
That I will try
To love
And fix
You
With all
that's left of
Me.

-e.w.

You make me feel
Like there is
Something wrong
With me

Because you
Told me
You liked me
And that you would
Do all of these things
With me
And told me
I was the most
Beautiful girl
You have ever seen

You made me feel
For once
In my life
That I actually
Mattered to
Someone
That someone actually
Cared enough
To text me back
Or worry
How I was doing

But I realized
It was all
Just another game;
I turned into
Putty in your hands
And I let you
Play and tear
At the strings
Of my heart
And at the strings
Of what was
Keeping me
Alive

So, guess what?

*******.

-e.w.

You saw
The thin scars
That line
About halfway
Up my wrist
And how
4 or 5
Were still
Swollen
And red
From two
Nights before.
We were at
Dinner,
But I saw the look
That petrified
Your face
As my sleeve
Inched up
And as your eyes
Examined them
Carefully.
You seemed sad
But you didn't
Say a word,
You just quickly
Changed the subject
As I felt like
Crying.

But it's been
Five days now
And you haven't
Confronted me
About the battle
Going on
On my pale wrist

But you've been
More considerate
And nicer
And actually
Made me feel
Like you're
Worried about me
Like you realize
That just because
I act tough
And strong
That may be
The farthest from the
Truth.

-e.w.

You make me
Sick to my
Stomach
Yet I feel
Right at
Home
When you speak
Even one word
To me.

Because your presence
Can either
Make me feel
Like I want to die
Or like
I want to be
Around,
Hopefully with you,
Forever.

You either
Make me feel
Like I'm the most
Worthless
Person in the
Whole world
Or like
I'm the one
Who matters
Most to you.

And I don't
Understand
How someone
Like me
Could love and
Hate someone
So much

And that
Someone
Is you.

-e.w.

"I have to ***."
Was the first text
I got from you
After 3 weeks
Of nothing

You were
Sitting across
From me
In the only class
We have
Together

You smirked
When you saw
That I got the text

I didn't want to smile
Or show any emotion
I didn't want
To give you
The satisfaction
That you can still
Make me
Happy,
Even if it's just for
A split second.

And yet,
I smiled
Wider than the
Sky.

-e.w.

God,
Why does he
Have this affect
On me?
Because one minute
I feel like
I can live
Without him
Like I'll be fine
But the next
When he talks to me
And shows that
Gorgeous smile
I feel like
All my walls
Come crashing
Down.

-e.w.

I know
I keep saying it
Over and over
That this
Is it
Tonight
Is the night
And then
I find out
I'm not strong enough.

But hopefully
Tonight will be
The night
And I won't
Have to see
Your face tomorrow
Or
Ever again

And I won't
Have to fake
That terrible smile
That fades
Into tears
Every
*******
Night

Because I can't
Take any of this
Anymore

I've lost myself
I'm a mess
And I will never
Be able
To untangle
The poisonous weeds
Wrapped around my
Heart
And my weak
Soul.

-e.w.

Please give me
The strength
I need
To end everything
Tonight
Because no one
Will care
And no one
Will notice
As I am
Gone from this
World
Because you all
Will go about
Your normal lives
As I disappear
In the blink of an
Eye.

-e.w.

I listened
To that song on
Repeat
Because somehow
It reminded me of
You
And just like
That song
I can't get you
Out of my
Head.

-e.w.

I've always known
I was never
Cut out for this.
Cut out for
Living
Cut out for
Surviving
Or whatever it is
We're doing
Day by
*******
Day.

-e.w.

I
promise
that
I'm
trying
my
hardest
but
I'm
thinking
that
I'm
not
going
to
make
it.

-e.w.

You told me
That you're so much
Happier

Because you have
That new trainer
Who's going to
Help you
Lose the weight
Because you say you're
Fat

Because your parents
Saw the scars
That cover your left
Wrist
So they are trying
To lighten up
On you

Because your parents
Are being nicer
About your grades
So you won't have so much
Stress

Because they finally
Noticed
That you were
Close to the
Edge.

And I am so
Sorry
Because I sit here
And talk to you
Saying how
Happy I am
For you

When in reality
I'm not.

Because now
You're just like
The rest of them
Telling me that it's
Easy
To get over
This seed of
Sadness
That grew deep
Inside me
And won't seem
To stop
Growing.

Because I am
Happy for you
That is was
Easy
Because you're
My best friend
And I love you

But no one
Realizes
That I am slowly
Dying inside
Day by day
And that I am
Quietly pleading
For help

And you
Don't understand
That I may
Never
Get past this.

-e.w.

It seems like
Everyone I know
Is finally
Getting the help
And love
They deserve
Because they've finally
Grabbed the rope
To get out of
This pit
And to finally
Be happy

And I don't know
What I'm doing
Wrong

Or why
I can't seem to
Grab onto
The rope
Dangling right infront
Of my
Eyes.

-e.w.

You have
Her
And I have
No one.

While one month ago
I thought
I had
You.

But I was stupid
And naive,
Once again,
So I fell for you
A beautiful
Blued eyed boy.

Because I thought
For just
One moment
You could've been
Different.

-e.w.

I'm hoping
One of these days
That when I sleep
For hours on end
I won't wake up
Because maybe
My brain will forget
How to breath
While my mind
Drifts to different dreams
And maybe
I won't have to
Face another dreadful
Day

And maybe,
Just maybe,
You'll miss me.

-e.w.

My head pounds
And even the
Tiniest bit of light
Can make this pain
In my head
Worse
And you're screaming
At me
At the top of your lungs
Not knowing
That this migraine
Is the worst
I've had in forever.
Because I "used" to
Get them 24/7
All the **** time
But I lied to you
Saying that I don't
Get them anymore
Saying that I was fine
Because I hated
Seeing you always
Worrying about me.
So I lied
Something you told me
Never to do
And I said
They were gone
As I'm silently
Sitting here
As you're screaming at me
About that grade in school
As my head
Pounds to the beat
Of the song
That's playing over
And over in my
Mind.

-e.w.

I have
This idea
In my mind
That the world and
You
Would be
Better off without
Me.
Because all I do
Is make you
Worried and completely
Stressed out
And I hate knowing
That you've done
All these things
For me
And that I will never
In a million years
Be able to
Pay you back.
And I am so sorry
I am not
The daughter
That you dreamed of
Because I have
That C in Chemistry
And I'm not the best
At making
Friends
And I'm not the girl
All the boys
Fall head over
Heels for
And I'm never
Going to be
The daughter that you
Deserve.

-e.w.

It always seems
That I end up
In this same exact
Place

With my eyes
Nearly swollen shut
From the salt water
That seeps from them
Rarely,
But when it does,
It comes like a
Rain storm
Or maybe even a
Tsunami

With a shiny piece
Of metal
In between my index finger
And thumb
Waiting to see
The beautiful red
Liquid that
Drains
From my pale
Wrist

With my body shaking
In fear
That the slices
Will not
Be enough
Damage

Because if you're
Ever looking for me
On any night
At 9:11 p.m.

I'll be right here
In this same exact
Place.

-e.w.

Tonight I
Wrote those notes
That family and friends
Always find
Once their loved one
Has been long
Gone from this
world.
I wrote it
With such ease
And it seemed to come
Naturally
As I started out with
A simple
"Dear Dad"
Or,
"Dear brother"
Or,
"Dear best friend"
And the words
Seemed to slip out
Like I had
Been keeping it hidden
Under my tongue
All this
Time.

-e.w.

You tell me
That I'm "pretty",
Inside and
Out

But you don't
Realize
How hard
It is for me
To actually take these words
To heart

Because once,
A beautiful boy
Who's eyes
Were as blue
As the ocean
Told me
That I was the
Most beautiful girl
He had ever seen

Coincidentally,
Just two weeks later
There was another
Blonde hair,
Green eyed "beauty"
That I was
Replaced with

Because guess what?
I wasn't pretty enough
I wasn't nice enough
I wasn't good enough.

Because I am
Never
Good enough.

And trust me,
I know
I never will be.

-e.w.

I want
To feel
Love
So bad.
But at the
Same time,
I don't want
To feel like
I finally
Matter to someone
And then get dropped
Because I know
That I will
Shatter, once again
Into a million,
Teeny-tiny
Pieces.

-e.w.

I'm sorry
I'm sorry* I'm like this
I'm sorry I'm stupid
I'm sorry I'm mean
I'm sorry that when someone
Tries to love me
I push them away
Because once they start to
They always leave

Because right now
I'm not ready
For someone to love
Every inch
Of the parts of me
That I hate
With a burning
Passion

And don't say
"It's okay."
And that you can
Wait for me

Because you may
Be waiting on me
Forever.

Because maybe
I'll never be strong enough
To trust someone
With the beating thing
In my chest
That breaks
Oh-so
Easily.

-e.w

I hate  
When people
Make these rude
Comments like
"Anxiety isn't a big
deal. Just be
calm."
Or,
"Depression isn't real,
You just need to be
happy."
Or,
"Mental illness' are just
excuses for lazy
people."

Because these people
Don't understand
How terrible
Anxiety can be
And how it can leave you
Paralyzed.

Or how monstrous
Depression can be
And how
The demons will visit
Late into the
Night
Or even say hello
When the sun
Is still in the
Sky

Or how
Any mental illness
Can leave you
Shaking to the
Bone
Or crying
All the time
Or leaving you
Feeling like no one
Cares.

Because it's not just an
"Excuse."

-e.w.

I have this horrible feeling
Deep inside my
Stomach
That without me
You might do something
Drastic
And without you
I'm feeling
Like I may do the
Same

Because you're my
Bestest friend
In the entire
World
And I'm so sorry
That I moved
To another stupid state
Just 3 hours
Away from you

Because it's so hard
For me
To see you like this
And I feel like
It's all my fault
Because I left
When I feel like
Without you
I may attempt
To be gone
Forever.

-e.w.

I'm having one of those
Days,
Weeks,
Months,
Years.

Because nothing
Seems to help
Anymore

Because nothing
Seems to make me
Happy

Because like I've said
A million times
And I'll say it
A million more

I am in this
Pit of depression
Where I am stuck
Without a ladder,
Rope,
Or even a hand
To bring me back
To the
Surface.

-e.w.

I often think
About how much strength
It would take
To leave this world
With that tan rope
Lying in my
Garage

Or maybe
That black
Revolver
Hidden not so carefully
In the basement

Or maybe
It's just as easy
To open up
Those brown
Cabinet doors
And reach my hand in
To grab
The big bottle
Of beautiful
Pills

But most days
I am far too
Weak
To do any
Of these options

But some days
I have all the
Strength
In the world
And could easily
Just get up and
Leave.

-e.w.

I hate
Every inch
Of this *******
Skin
That I live
In

And that's why
If you talk to me
Late into the horrible,
Terrifying
Nights

My face will be
Streamed with
Black lines

As my cheeks
Are as red
As the liquid
Dripping from my
Innocent wrists.

-e.w.

The only reason
That I am still
Barely breathing
Is so that you won't
Be disappointed
If I ever were
To leave
Because in my mind
Disappointment is far worse
Than the meanest anger
Or the depressing sadness
Because the only thing
That I have left
Is what people think about
Me.
So I want to be
Honest and kind
And someone who
Someone else
Is proud of
Because in my mind
That is the
Greatest honor.

So please know
That if I ever
Were to leave

Please do not be
Disappointed
Or I may be
Even sadder
Lying six feet
Under.

-e.w.

I haven't been
Doing very well
These past few weeks

And part of me thought
I was over this;
This never ending
Sadness

But it came
Creeping back up
Because I always
Let things get to me
And they just can't seem
To leave well enough
Alone

Because I've become
Sadder than ever
And it's like
My heart has been replaced
With this black hole
Slowly ******* me in

And somehow
You don't seem to notice
Or,
Maybe you try to
Ignore it

But you're the man
Who raised me
Who has been by my side
Through thick
And thin

So I don't understand
How you could not see
That your little girl
Is slowly
Dying.

-e.w.

I'm a failure
A ****-up
I'm someone
Who will never get anywhere
With this stupid thing
Called life

Because I'm getting
That terrible
C- in Chemistry
Because I've never been good
At science

And I missed
Working on the project today
With my group
Who probably thinks
That I'm lazy now
Because somehow
It totally slipped my mind

I try my hardest
But things slip my mind
And I'm not the best
At science
Or math

But my dad
Expects so much of me
And my brain
Races with this idea
That I could actually
Turn out okay
That I could
End up leaving this hell
Called high school
And go to college
And be smart

But then I have
Days like this
Where I forget something
And that whole
Idea
Crumbles to the
Ground.

-e.w.

The horrors fill
Each inch
Of my shaking body
As I think about the future
And how I don't think
I'll be able to make it
That far
Because one after another
My demons
Come to see me
One by one
Like an assembly line
Of my deepest
Fears.

-e.w.

People don't really know
Anything about me
Except that I have blonde hair
Green/blue eyes
And fingernails
Bitten down
To the nub
From the anxiety
That course through
My veins.

But really
There is much more to me
Than meets the eye

Because I have moved
About a gazillion times
From Florida,
To Utah
To California
Back to Utah
To this cold wasteland
They call Idaho

I never really let anyone in
Because I never
Have time to
Because I'll be somewhere
For a year,
Maybe two,
And then get up
And leave to another place
With millions of new faces
That most I will never
Get to meet.

That my parents
Live in separate houses
And had this thing called
"Divorce"
Which keeps them a state away
Because my mom
Back stabs everyone she meets
And is the most negative person
I have ever met.
And this is why I live
With my Dad
Whom I adore
Because he has been through
So much
And is still here.

That just a year ago
I dreamt of being famous
And standing on a stage
Singing my heart out
Doing what I loved
And yes I say loved
Because it was an old dream
One that I realized
Was not a dream
I could make
Reality.

That my favorite color
Is teal
Because of the boy's eyes
That I fell for
Or maybe
It reminded me of the ocean
And how I longed
To live there one day
And get to stand in
California
Because somehow I think
I belong there
Belong with the ocean
And the palm trees
And maybe they have
Better people than here.

That I would do anything
To get away from
This stupid town
Because every time I move
It's just onto
Another stupid town
I want to just buy a plane ticket
And fly to California
Or somewhere
Far, far away.

Because I can't stand
Living somewhere
That I hate

Because I want to be
Happy.

And guess what?

Three more years
And I can finally leave

To where I can forget
About moving so much

To where I can maybe
Get attached to people
And not have to leave

To where I don't have
To think about
The woman who raised me
Turned into this monster
Who I never thought
She could become.

To where I can
Move onto a new dream
One that I can
Really make
Reality.

So this is me
Sumed up in this
Confusing and
Long poem

So now I'll be done
With who I am

Who are you?

-e.w.

I have this thing
Growing deep inside me
Coursing through my veins
Like a ****

It's attached to my heart
Making me emotionless,
helpless, heartless

Because it's eating away
At the beating thing
That keeps me breathing
And keeps me going
But it's slowly getting
Smaller

-e.w.

Last night
When the sun
Slept soundly on the other side
Of the earth
I had a handful of
Purple and blue pills
Ready to shove them down
My throat

Ready to slice up
The ugly skin
That covers my torn up body

Ready to do
Whatever it takes
To get away
From whatever the hell
This thing is
You all call
"Life".

-e.w.