I wish I could tell you
Tell you all my secrets
So I wouldn't have to face them alone

I have anxiety
Which seems to be an overused term
By people who will never understand the feeling
Of never wanting to wake up
Where reality is too much

I'm asexual
Meaning a lack of ****** attraction
Easy right?
No. Nothing can be that easy to understand
Some of my friends have left me
My family doesn't seem to understand
How I can be asexual and have a girlfriend
My mom wouldn't let me get pride shirts
She allowed me a hair bow with my pride colors
Because it's subtle and maybe no one will notice

I have an eating disorder
Binge-Eating Disorder to be exact
My mom says I'm chubby
My doctor says I'm approaching overweight status
My friends are concerned
For they know how long I can go without food
They know how much I can eat
It's not by choice
I wish I was skinnier
I wish I could control myself
I wish I had control

I talk to myself
Like a whisper
I shut out my surroundings
To listen to the voices in my head
And this can lead to two things
Resolution or Destruction
For my mind has no middle ground
Struggling to resolve a situation
That I've poured over with gasoline
And the voices have lit the match
One false move
And the voices will win

I'm too smart for my own good
But not academically
I use animals to imprint scars upon my skin
I ride my scooter too fast down a hill
So my knee slides across the pavement
Ripping out flesh
A permanent reminder
That 1200 pound horse that stepped on my foot?
Not an accident.
When I sprained both my ankles at the same time?
Not an accident.

I have a gender that I can't identify
I feel mostly feminine
But some days I just want to be able to relax
In baggy sweatpants
With a muscle shirt
And short hair
Yet I know that if I cut my hair
I will regret it the next day
For my gender never seems to stay masculine for long

I had a journal
One that I would write in since 5th grade
It wasn't a diary
But it knew exactly how I felt
And when the bullying became worse
Turning from verbal to emotional
Emotional to physical
My journal suffered the waves of my tears
The fissures of the ripped pages
The erasure shavings left on every page

Until I burned it
Lit it on fire
Erasing any trace of who I am
So who am I you ask?
My secrets lie within this poem
So don't lose it
For this,
This is my last journal

Some call me a prophet
Others see me as a derelict
These stories I’ve stored in my head
Can easily be twisted to fantasy

Am I reliable?
You have no choice
But to take what I say and believe
At least for a little while

I believe the listener
Is as naïve as I seem
Sitting on every detail
Every word

While visiting Southwark
I met a variety of characters
From different means of life
With different perspectives on the world

Looking innocent has its advantages
It gives me a leeway
To invade other’s privacy
And extend the truth to the edge of fabrication

Have you ever questioned a storyteller?
We all seem friendly
We talk highly of everyone we meet
Until we dive deeper into their secrets

The Squire
Composing music is his forte
I say it sounds beautiful
And he seems fresh as the month of May

The Friar
A gossiper full of language
I hope to understand
To grasp




A Sailor
Having bad joints
From extensive labor.
He must work substantially to acquire those injuries

The Summoner
Full of white pimples
Yet drinks red wine
As red as blood

I create a story
Yet can end it all the same
I tell you what you want to hear
Not what reality presents in front of me

For life is not exciting
Without a bit of imagination.
And with my mastered poker face
It may be impossible to seek out my lies

The darkness inside us all
Can peek its head at any time
Consuming us into a downward spiral
Of lie after endless lie

So am I reliable?
We’ll just have to see.
So here comes a story
Told by me.

Hello again.
It's been awhile.
The last time I saw you
Was back in high school.
How are you?
What are you up to?
Well I can honestly say
I don't miss you.
Sorry for the blunt honesty
But you kind of made my life a living hell
Crushing my dreams before I even knew what they were
Everyday you tore off another layer of skin
Everyday I came closer to bleeding
My emotions were your toy
And you played with me like a toddler
I never asked for you to tag along
And when I asked you to leave
You clung tighter
Your nails digging further into my shoulder
Causing permanent scars
No matter how many times I asked politely
No matter how many times I screamed in agony
You always followed
You consistently throw me under the bus
But I still find myself defending you
Defending you
That's all I've ever done
And now
I'm all alone
With no one to play with
No one to tag along with
No one to laugh with
No one to talk with
No one

We haven't talked in awhile
Your voice like silk
Bringing a smile with it
Something I haven't done for months
I talk to you on Twitter
The bird a messenger to our secret conversation
Every time a white message box pops up
Every time I get a notification from you
My heart skips a beat
For every word you write, every sentence
Is worth the couple seconds it takes to read
We have a lot in common
We both have eating disorders
That couldn't be more different
We love the same music
As we rock out on Facetime
And laugh at my shyness and stupidity
Yet without social media
We would have never met.
I would never have smiled.
I would never have lived.

People.
Something we see everyday
One of my biggest fears
I shake and tremble
As they approach
I tell myself
Don't get close
They're unpredictable
Watch your step
For these creatures will do anything to step all over you
It comes closer as my fingers shake
My entire arm becomes numb
I hold my hand trying to calm down
Yet this creature stands before me
And I receive flashbacks
Of playing on the playground
The swings my saving grace
For I could push it all by myself
But then I saw them
They ran towards me in a herd
Drowning out my cries with their footsteps
And then ...
Black
The color of my timid soul
The color of my heart

People.
And everyday creature.
My biggest fear.
My worst nightmare.

Trigger Warning: mention of suicide*


Rain
The pitter-patter on windows
Like a rhythm that's just slightly out of sync
But makes a tune nonetheless
Tiny droplets of polluted liquid
Can make a better beat than my heart
I am broken and left behind
Like a porcelain doll that takes abuse from a 7 year old
I feel unwanted
Yet I see my friends' smiles, hear their laughter
Trying to get me to join the conversation
But my eyes
They grow blank
I have daydreams of when we talked
When we knew each other
The days on the playground
The nights we'd look up at the stars together
And hold each other's hand when no one was looking
We were the other's secret
Locked in a closet
That suffocated us
Grabbing us by the throat until we no longer breathed for ourselves
We were all the other had
We were all the other needed
We were all the other wanted

But fate will find ways to break you
Kick you until you're halfway to Hell
We were separated by parents who didn't understand
They said we were "too attached" to each other
That we needed to distance ourselves
I told you to stay strong, to believe that we could meet again
You told me to never forget

Separated by those who didn't understand
Your last words to me were to never forget
But as your suicide date rings in my head
Burns through my eyelids as I try to sleep
I see myself forgetting your face more and more
And I fear that one day I'll fail you
And forget those days at the playground
Those nights holding each other's hand
Our reflection in the rain

I’ll express what I know
To spare you your pride
And allow you to keep your secrets.
Lately, I’ve fallen
And not in the literal sense.
I [pause]
I’ve lost the meaning of life
There is no point for me to continue my journey
I’ve stopped exercising
I’ve stopped walking under the majestic sky
The clouds my safe haven
The blue sky my tranquility
I’ve stopped looking into the golden sunlight
Only for my skin to embrace its warmth
I’ve stopped breathing
Holding my breath, waiting for the beauty to resurface
For what I once saw has vanished
I see poison in the air, so I hold my breath
Hold my breath
As I run out of oxygen, my mind scatters
To how a human is the perfect invention
The perfect tool
For reason, understanding, and unlimited thinking
The movement of man
How angelic
Yet how insignificant
We are but one creation among billions
Our existence is only a hazard
To the perfect environment around us
The majestic sky
The clouds; my safe haven
The golden sunlight
All we have done is turn them to poison
To dust
I see you laugh, as you must think this a joke
Yet I must ask
What have you done
To save the one God that created the beauty and the destruction
Mother Nature herself?