My best friend
My ally
You were always there for me
When I was little

As we've grown up together
I've seen the distance grow between us
We've had our arguments
But I've stuck with you

As the arguments rise in intensity
I contemplate leaving you
I want to burn you alive
But I feel as if you're a part of me

You've broken all my limbs
Yet I have found some way
To walk forward
Until you step on me, holding me down

I want you to die
With blood pouring out your body
You've never given me a chance
And have kept me silent

I scream
But am never heard
I cry
But no one comes to my rescue

Because I've kept you a secret
From anyone I've ever loved
Because if they knew about you
They'd have left me in seconds

So I ask you to hide
Never show your face
Stay as far away from me as you can
Before I **** you myself

You may be a disorder
Something that has defined me
But I won't let you control me
Until I drop dead

So **** me now if you wish
Just don't let my friends know you exist
You may be my biggest obstacle I never conquered
But at least I'll save my friends from discovering you

When we are taught about bullying
The dangers and costs
We are told the consequences
What can be lost.

So I vowed to help others
Through thick and thin
And promised to never
Break open my skin

We are told to get help
To find someone to trust
We are told to survive bullying
That is a must

But what if the person
You loved most
Betrayed you
And became a ghost

I let her down
I wasn't there
I cry every month
Pulling at my hair

Thinking about her success
In something I'll never be able to do.
Who knew my mind
Could be a bully too.

How can you run away
From an ***** inside
That terrorizes you
Until you want to die.

I can't run away
I have no choice
But to pick myself up
And try to clear my voice

But things are harder to clear
When you face them alone
I have no real friends
I face the world on my own.

My voice grows tired
From my screams and internal cries
My brain makes me scared
To go to sleep every night

I'm always forgotten
Or in the way
Who knew my most feared bully
Would be here to stay

I've tried to run away
But there's no escape
I think about the jump
Taking a leap of faith

Into a world with no light
Just pitch black everywhere
Until my heart speaks its voice
And realizes it doesn't want to be there

My most feared bully
The worst of them all
Will continue to beat me up
Until I fall

I may be quiet
I may soon fall
Because my brain has turned
Into the most feared of them all

Why do I feel like I'm holding you back
You deserve someone better
Someone who will make you happier
And cause you less stress

I make your life hell
Your friends left you
Your family hates your decisions
Because of me

I don't want to leave you
It's the last thing I want
But I don't want to be
The thing that destroys you

The war is raging
Between my mind and my heart
And I don't know who will win
Who will defeat the other

But I hate seeing you upset
And I know you don't want to tell me
But I need you to understand
That this break is killing me

I'm already run down
You are the fuel
That I use every morning
Every day

When I'm bored
I know I can message you to laugh
When I'm upset
I know my biggest supporter is right behind me

You asked for a break
And I am willing to give it to you
I want you to be happy
I want you to figure everything out

But it's never what I wanted
I feel like breaks are the beginning to the end
And I don't want this to end
Not yet

So what can we do?
We set a 3 day period of no talking
No messaging
Nothing

And that's how I feel
Empty
Alone
I feel as if I've lost the best part of me

I don't know how to feel
I want to be happy
I want to cry
I look in the mirror and see red puffy skin from the tears that have poured out my eyes

I don't know how long I'll last
But I'm doing this for you
I hope you're happy though
Because that's all I've ever wanted

When you look at me,
What do you see?
A tall girl?
The nerd with glasses to match?

When I look in a mirror
I see a disgrace of a human
An atrocity
A monster parents tell their children about at night.

I have cuts and scars
That no one will be able to see.
I have bruises
Where I just went with the punches.

Going home and seeing scarlet
Is now a routine for me
Where everyday
I always hurt myself for being unique.

My mental health is deteriorating,
And soon my friends will leave me behind.
When they realize the truth,
I'll be waging a war alone.

Without an army,
A beaten and injured soldier is sure to die.
So it makes sense for them
To end it themselves.

All I hear are comments
Inside my brain
Criticizing me for my flaws
Killing me from the inside out.

I've already succumb to submission.
I no longer try
And if I don't try,
I'll never fail, never miss someone's expectations.

So it's best this way.
I'll stay a zombie, with the dead stare
But all I ask
Is that you **** me slowly.

It cannot be as painful as what I've been through
What I've heard
What I've been told
Who I am

Because everything's better
Then who I've turned out to be.

I was always told
I meant nothing
I was just another body
Waiting to have a hole dug in the ground

I was never a favorite with children or adults
I seemed too outgoing
Too energetic
Adults tell me to not be myself around others
I need to be reserved

So I tried being calm, quiet
I never talked to anyone no matter the age
And soon it became so easy, so natural

That by second grade I went weeks without speaking
And I never gave a ****
Because it's what everyone else wanted
And it became what I needed

In high school, my teachers told me to speak up
They want me to be an individual
But knowing that everyone else wanted me quiet
I just shrugged and moved on

I look back now and remember
I remember the lonely nights
The red splattered carpet
The feeling of vacancy

When I needed to try
To try to speak my mind
To try and be myself
To try and stop my destructive behavior

I failed
I've always been a failure
Who tried their best to fix their mistakes
But trying is the first step to failure

And I've lost this battle

You killed me
By draining me of my blood
And leaving me to die
Alone

I never trusted anyone
Looking down when people talked
I never saw the color in others' eyes
Never saw the beauty in people

I walked alone
Afraid of comments on my looks
Afraid of malicious torture
Afraid of people

I am an individual
Who never knew what the sun looked like
Seeing that I hid in my house
With no friends to hang out with

I thought as time passed
I'd become better
Improve myself
Make myself more likeable

So I started changing
I tore off my limbs and replaced them.
Like a three year old playing with a Barbie doll
I rearranged myself

I changed all my features
Yet no one noticed
No one said a word
No one cared

So I stay in my room
With the comfort of my blood
Dripping onto the carpet
Creating spots

I kept a scarlet paint can in my room,
So when I got questioned
I would just say it was
An art project gone wrong

I am just a painting, right?
People walk all over me
Throwing dirt in my face
Leaving me behind

My friends left me
I guess being too unpopular
Has its own downfalls
Its own consequences.

So I've walked alone
No one knows the true me
So why do I care to know
This girl inside me

I've become my own enemy
Stepping on myself
Cutting my body to pieces
Until all I see is the color of roses you find for Valentine's Day

Blood-red is my new favorite color
Seeing that I see it every day
But no one comes to my rescue
No one even knows I exist

So congratulations
You have been my downfall
You have made my life a living hell
And it's all your fault

You never gave me a chance
A chance to open my mouth
To speak one word
To express myself one time

I have been silent for years
And yet maybe it's okay.
It's okay that no one can hear my screams of pain
My agonizing screech to all

I was never thought of
Never liked
Pushed around
And never loved

You killed me
You took my life
I have to stare at my reflection
All ****** and beat up

And it's all your fault.

Your words…
They may seem minimal
Just something you blurted out
Something you didn’t think about
But they’re killing me

Being myself is hard enough
Without your words
Contorting my figure into a pile of rubble
I struggle to keep smiling
And lately, every slight grin is an imposter
Tricking it’s new victims into thinking I’m okay

You will be the death of me
And you don’t even know it
Every hateful comment is
Shurikens thrown through my heart

The blood on my arms may be fresh
Yet you still find new ways to injure me
Cutting into my skin until you see bone
Fracturing all of my bones until I am nothing

Too bad you didn’t realize
I already feel like nothing