I was sad before
But now I am depressed
And it dines on me
Slow some days, fast others

I was terribly, deeply sad before
Especially when I was alone
But I still smiled and
I still continued to feel

But now I am numb
And suicide is a constant companion
Lingering over me
Waiting for me to grab her hand and run

But I am at a stand still
A battle within myself
I am trying to decide whether to run
Or to stand tall and anchor myself to the soil

I cannot seem to stay clean
Days will pass since my last encounter
Then it starts all over again
And I feel guilty

Because I am worthless
And almost all my friends have left me
Disgusting, terrible, fat, nasty, pathetic
All branded on my body for the world to see

I feel numb
I feel alone
Tired and depressed
But no matter how I feel

I will still whisper
Steady "okay"'s and "I'm fine"'s
Cover my arms and legs
Hide away from the world because

I don't want you to worry

Hazel the eyes which
Stare at me
Asking me questions
Without mumbling a word
Keeping quite across the room
But the intensity still travels to me

Asking questions about
My history and what
Else might trouble me
But questions can be troublesome
And answers just as unclear
So keep sitting and staring at me

But my eyes are staying shut
Right along with my mouth

I'm sick
In the head
And I don't want to be

The voices tell me so
That soon I will be dead
But I'm really not ready

Don't let them take me
Let me stay here instead
I don't want to go now

I use to want just that
To be lying lifeless in bed
But the winds have changed, mama

And I want to ignore their words
That are filled with absolute dread
But they wash over me

Imprint their nasty fortunes
Begging to be fed
I try to starve them but they win

I don't want to die yet
I've still got some tears to shed
So I'll keep on hearing voices

Just for you and only you

My phone flashes
Screaming it needs sleep
When I scream I don't get sleep
I receive ***** looks
And tempered screams back

I wish I was a phone
Someone would hold me every day
Someone would care if I was broken
I would talk to so many
I could see the world through a safe screen

Ohh how I wish
I was a phone

Of course you've left
I don't blame you
Because who could love a girl
Who does not love herself
What man could just stand by
And watch her slowly die
Take razors to her skin
And fight a loosing battle within

Of course you don't want to
Be around for my own demise
I'm only a ticking time bomb
Watching the world pass
Me by while I do nothing
But sit in a puddle of my own self loathing
Who would want to stick around for that

No one would
No one can love a girl
Who doesn't love herself
Due to the voices in her head
Placed there by years of torture and
Genetics, not by choice but
Only by force
Of course you wouldn't love me

Who could love a girl
Who doesn't even love herself?

The answer is obviously
No one

Every body has
Their awkward quirks

I love yours
Because to me
They aren't awkward
At all

In fact I feel
At home
Cuddled up with you
In your bed

When I was young
I promised myself
To never turn into the monsters
I saw on the glowing screen

But years pass by
And the promises we've
Made ourselves fade away
And we roll around in our broken dreams

We bathe in sadness
In guilt and shame
We swallow lies society feeds us
How we should behave

Perfect lips and ribs poking
A thigh gap and straight teeth
Tall and lean
Tan with no blemishes

These are the ingredients
For a perfect body to fit
Right into society
And to be happy

The promises had
Nearly slipped through the
Cracks in this fragile thing
We've named 'life'

I've forgotten my own
Oaths I've made
I'm sorry younger me
You would be proud

When I was younger
If I was shown what my future would be
Maybe I would have tried to change
Or slit my wrists to prevent the inevitable

But this is my life now
This is what I've become
I don't like what I see
I'm not having any fun

High school will be
The best four years
Of your short
History

But they are wrong
To state these lies
To fill our head with hopes
Just to let them die

It is more like four years
Of mandatory Hell
In small little rooms
With small windows
Where you are told to
Sit and stay
Behave and be quite
Don't speak your mind
Tolerate your peers
Do as we say with no questions asked
Grades are everything
Forget your social life
Your happiness
Mental health and
Well being
It will not matter

High school is beyond
Describable
For I cannot put torment
Into words, it is undefinable

Mark the day
In your calenders
Tell all of
Your many friends

Of the day Ellyn flew,
The beginning of the end

The end of the bullies
She threw out her fears
Ellyn cut out the negatives in life
The change drastic and severe

Ellyn decided that it's
The beginning of the end

She tore apart her monsters
Faced the voices in her head
She cleared out her closet
And checked under her bed

And by the time Ellyn was done
The end was quite near

The girl decided her past
Did not define her
And tomorrow is a new day
He mistakes would not recur

And now Ellyn is happy
And her new beginning glows
She faced down her demons
But there will still be cons and pros

Life is not a straight path
Obstacles you will face
But if your perspective is positive
Then you will find your place

I made a bad choice
In mixing up my emotions again
The emotions that tell the difference
Between lovers and friends

I wasn't for sure at the start
But now I know I was dead wrong
Maybe you feel it too
How our emotions just aren't that strong

I should take a brake from
This game of date and kiss
My only issue is the
Kisses I'm going to miss

At this point I don't care who they're with
Or what they mean or what its for
I just need to hold and be held
A little bit more

Yes I sound like a ****
But at this point
If you've been what I've been through
You might understand

I am so alone
And I shouldn't be
For when I am left alone
Memories swirl and the
Past rises from the grave
The blade calls to me and
Anxiety hits me like a brick wall

Death is so tempting when I
Am alone, left to ponder
How quickly it will be
Long and painful
Short, like falling asleep
I don't know
And I hate not knowing

I hate being lonely

The slicing and dicing
Game is getting out of hand
And I'm loosing control
Doesn't anyone understand

My thigh now covered
My forearm raw
With bright ****** lines
That nobody saw

And I'm sitting in my bed
Clutching my shoulders and rocking
Because I can't throw away the teeth
That keep biting and locking

Their rusty jaws on my body
And the battle wounds are deep
I try to fight my demons but
They come in at night and creep

Into my bed and infest my dreams
With horrors of my past
And visions of unspeakable things
And I don't think I'll last

Another night trapped inside my scared body
Because my demons are inside
And they're clawing and demanding to be let
Loose, my mouth open wide

So I cut loose my demons
And with every slice
Another one is freed
It just took a little splice

I can't help but
Let the tone of
My voice change
As I wink, with love

My eyes glimpse at
A beautiful person
And my heart flutters
The world spins, in motion

Your subtle curves
Long body, thin
Your long but precise fingers
Let rest your chin

You lean into me
And your smell is intoxicatingly sweet
Your smile fragile
Your body radiating heat

You swing my way
And I'll meet you half way there
As your body draws into me
I attempt to show I care

People may stare when
We hold hand in hand
I stopped caring a while ago
This is our land

So let's kiss in public like normal
Let's talk sweet and sentimental
Because a girl and a girl can love
More than the judgmental

If I write my poems
All mainstream and generic
With a certain pattern
That's catchy and rhythmic

Maybe I will
Be more liked
If I use small words
On this website

No.
That is not poetry you see
Poetry follows few rules and regulations
More as guidelines
And poetry does not give a ****
About what you think

It is art
In yet another form
A way to express the thoughts
That rage and are bottled inside

It is a more peaceful way
Of releasing a monster that dwells
Instead of picking fights
I pick stories to tell

So don't tell me
What is and is not
You don't make that call
Don't try to play God

I suggest you to discover a sport
A bored game of sorts
Dive into your classes as school
With all these teachings and rules

If rules make you happy
And make you feel safe
Poetry might not be
Your forte

I believe in you God
Oh loving and powerful
But the Bible feels wrong
It feels shameful

I wouldn't say I'm atheist
Because I believe in the One
But I wouldn't say I'm Christian
Though I do believe in his son

I'm confused on where I stand
Or if I even do
But through all the confusion
I still believe in the one and only you

No*
Me being pansexual
Has nothing to do with
Greed or confusion

It is simply me
And who I am
Making a statement
That shouldn't have to be made

Love is blind*
Not black or white
Not male or female
Or somebody in between

It is not simply a boy
And a girl
Love is universal
Love is everywhere

And if I still am having
To make this statement
And people still don't understand
I will keep making this statement

Till the world fully understand *love

I gave you all
That I could
It wasnt enough
Never would

So I keep
My head held high
As I whisper
Good bye

The path I walk
Is winding down
Farther it goes
Into the ground

And I hope that
Someday you will see
That you belong
Right here with me

Its a tug of war
With the mistakes you make
And the promises
That you break

I gave up
On childish things
Silly hopes
Messed up dreams

Long ago, I let go
Of these thoughts
Now its not cold
It is hot

I finally feel
Warmer without you
So good bye
My words ring true

You've been the cause of

Butterflies
Wide smiles
Days without cutting
Dreams
Sleepless nights

And now the cause of

Nausea
Dark frowns
Fresh cuts
Nightmares
And sleepless nights

I hold my head up high
For I'm to proud to cry
As I whisper our final good bye
The words you say full of lies

Your hand finds my face
And you pull me into your embrace
My hearts pounding like I've ran a race
Oh I try not to leave a single trace

Of sadness in my heart
As you turn away to start
Heading home, and drifting us apart
My head tries to dart

The bullet of emotions racing to me
I tell myself this is the way it's meant to be
I lean on this cherry tree
And feel myself be free

Are you sad, my dear?
Because it's quit clear
That your mask that you made
Out of tears and ash

Is starting to peel away
And your heart is starting to pay
The hefty price of pain
From casting your heart

Are you tired, my dear?
It's near the end of the year
It's been a long time
Since you've had good rest

You whisper you're just tired
But we know that you're wired
In a different way
Where tired means dead inside

Are you done, my dear?
With shedding your tears
And sliceing and burning yourself
And not being happy with your reflection

Because I'm done too
Salty tears are too true
Maybe it's time to pop the pills
And take a trip right down the hill

"Why can't I touch the sun?"
Asked the girl one day
"We have gone to the moon and mars
Have other planets lead us astray?"

"Well you see little girl
The sun is too hot for us to handle
If we go near it we burn
Like if you touch a candle"

She frowned and looked down
Wondering how this could be
"How could something hurt you
If it holds so much beauty?"

"Well it's like a shark you see
Wonderful creatures who rule the deep
But if you get too close
Snap! Your arms gone and you weep"

"Roses are beautiful right?"
"Yes a lovely plant that smells so sweet"
"But they have thorns and we pick them"
"We cut them off we sorta cheat"

"Then why can't we cheat our way to the sun?
We cheat on everything else in life
Why not now why not then
We dig our way through with a knife"

I stopped and stared at the ground
Realizing I was going no where
Talking to this odd girl
With the jet black hair

"You're right 
We should trick the sun
Make him let us in
Be the number one

But you see touching the sun
Is like a far away dream
We wish is was real
It's not as simple as is seems

We can never touch that dream
No matter how much we pray
So you see little girl
It is impossible to touch a golden ray"

This girl with the jet black hair
Walked away off the play ground
I never saw her again
She was never able to be found

Flyers were hung everywhere
Saying "have you seen this girl"
The news reported her story
About this girl who was pearl

Six months later
In the river she was discovered
Her body found
Her soul not recovered

So the little girl
With the jet black hair
Is touching the golden rays
Way up there

Wrapped tightly into yourself
Head heavy and heart imploding
Trying to **** you in and make you
Believe you are the **** up they whisper about

Not sure where to place your hands
Holding your stomach or head?
Which one? Because both are aching
For comfort and attention

But both refused to be touched
By none other than yourself
Small breaths of air aren't efficient enough
Spots form in your peripheral vision

Memories play through your head
The good ones come like bolts of lightning, thin and rare
The bad in pounding rains
The worst memories slip in like poison

The thought of suicide might cross your mind
I know it does in mine
Maybe you've even attempted
Once, twice, five, eleven times

The number climbs just like the clock ticks

Ticking away, eating at precious minutes
Forcing you through another day
Filled with thoughts of razors and pills
High ledges and bullets lined up in chambers

Awaiting the day you decide to pull the trigger

But the mood ebbs away as the sun rises
Though the thoughts of suicide never leave you
They calm themselves, the storm passes
And you're left alone again

Aren't you tired of being alone?
Because I know I am
I am sick of the perpetual depression that settles
In the back of my brain

I am disgusted by how often the
Razor caresses my soft skin
And the lack of sleep and
What I day dream

Because it's often fantasies of being
Stuck six feet under
While no one stands around my grave
Because no one cares

I'm sick
I'm tired
I'm lonely
And I am more than done

Closets are for apparel
Clothes you want to hang up
And wear for another day

Closets have doors
To hide old dusty boxes
Objects to be of use for a later date

Closets can be locked
To keep the outside world
From looking into your personnel life

Closets can be crowded
Too hot or cold
Stuffy, with no room for breathing

Closets are not meant for people
For our feelings to be trapped
And locked away for another date

Don't shy away in the closet
And lock the door
From the inside out

Please

Time use to only nip
At my slender ankles
But now it gnashes and
Forces me to flee
I am being pulled through time
So quickly I feel as if I
Am traveling through the
Day, each one shorter than
The day before

And before you know it
It will be September and
Senior year will be knocking on
The door I have tried to hard to
Barricade, adding locks and boards
Of weak wood

I am only a young child
But society soon deems me an adult
Capable of a job and work
And living on my own
But I do not want to be
On my own
I want to shrink down and be
Five again, because then
I didn't think like I do now

I didn't worry about the future
College and the mysteries life holds
The people surrounding me with their
Opinions and crude thoughts
And same-*** marriage wasn't a
Huge deal for me
But now it engulfs us
swallows us whole
And I am scared

I don't want to be scared anymore

Anticipation is dissolving
My already thin patience

I am excited to ink
My body and dim the old lines

Painting a new story on the
Canvas, writing over the old

The old words on my body will
Still linger there

But fade will the scars
And my memories will blur

And my new story will be magnificent
I can promise that

Seperated temporarily
Only a few months apart
But back together again

I almost had lost memory
Of kissing you
But you resurrected the passion

Now I constantly crave you
Every flaw you think you have
Is only in your head

I crave your lips brushing mine
Painting pictures with our tongues
And your fingers exploring the winding roads of curves

In the most innocent way I crave
Your touch, comfort
You are my hide away

And I have been burning out for so long
But you came back and blew
On the embers, and poked the fire

Dear Penguin of mine
You have no idea what you
Do to me

Maybe that is for the better