i fantasize about running away while i sanitize my hands in an attempt to feel clean, not just of germs but of this cage i'm in
i sigh as i rub my hands together and decide to stay

in my dreams you want me
in my dreams you love me
every night in my dreams i hold you and kiss you and tell you i miss you
in my dreams we are happy
in my dreams we are perfect and free

but when i wake up, you are gone
when i'm awake i am scared
when i'm awake we are busy
when i'm awake i don't know how you feel
when i'm awake i can't tell you i want you

but at least in my dreams you are mine

It has taken me a long time to heal
And I am still getting better
But I have grown

I again am filled with hope

Again there is room for love

I am not afraid of dying alone

I feel capable and worthy and free

i can't help but smile
and hope
and dream
and long for what could be

I am a lot to handle.

I come draped in chains.

I do my best to hide them so that maybe people will love me.

But I am not me without these chains.

So they can never really love me if they never see who I really am.

But I am a lot to handle.

And I fear the chains will weigh us both down.

But they are my chains to carry.


How will someone love me when I'm sad.
How will someone love me when I'm mad.
How will someone love me when I'm panicking and crying and screaming and do not wish to be touched.
How will someone love me when I lose control.

How can I stop them from seeing, if I can't control it.
I can't contain it.
I can't stop it.

How will someone love me with these chains.