I am swimming
at the bottom of the ocean

it's black and I am lost

and I can't swim fast enough
to get to the top in time
before I suffocate myself

I turned twenty one today,
and I was hoping I would wake up 21
instead of being awake into my birthday

My thoughts were so loud it was
physically impossible to quiet them

I got a message from you saying you loved me and saying happy birthday before you fell asleep
before I fell asleep  
I smiled and knew I would see you that day

but that day, today, I woke up
after an hour of sleep at 6 am
only to watch the sunrise and share laughs
with my mother whom I shared a bed with that night, instead of you.

I drove around to try and figure out what to do
where to go, what I needed for the day,
I wound up at breakfast with my mother
and breakfast was a disappointment
the unmelted cheese on my breakfast sandwich striked me the wrong way
at breakfast you messaged me with something new that had happened
a people pleaser you are, trying to figure out what's best to do

I went to the house I'm staying at
and I tried to take a nap but my head hurt so bad I laid down for two hours  
then went for a walk

and took a good long look at the city I have moved to,
the city, that makes my heart sing
I took a breath of fresh air and reminded myself that I have chosen to be here

After that I slept
for an hour at that
and at 4:30 pm I had another message
for something else from you
that had come up

I cried and I called you
and we argued for two hours as I stood in the rain in the back yard, once again looking out at the city.

my family didn't go to dinner
because I cried too much to get myself together

I didn't do anything I wanted to do today, on my birthday, my twenty first birthday
supposedly the most memorable birthday in your life
besides fifty I guess

but today I realized that expectations don't exist for some people
and today I realized that birthdays are just another day

"Happy Birthday, Emily." you said,
as my tears ran in direct contact with the shower water

Happy Birthday Emily
Maybe next year will be better

I call myself a Professional Sleeper
Because I was convinced I could sleep through
any type of sadness or any type of confusion.

I was convinced I could sleep after
any argument or any type of disaster.

Yet, for the past two nights I have weapt myself to sleep
as my brain swells against my skull and makes my thoughts feel like cymbols in a marching band

I was convinced I would be able to sleep off even the worst of times
and that would be how I coped

But once you try to sleep when your heart is breaking, and your head is screaming, and your eyes are too sore to shut,

It's impossible
I promise you.

upon finally reaching the point of breaking
you ask yourself many questions
to try to understand your own sanity

you wonder if what you have done is right?
if you could have made it easier?
if you could have changed the way things turned out?

but not only do you question these things,
you ask yourself if it was ever really worth it?

the emotions that are pumping and pushing through your veins are only temporary
and there will always be a light in your heart that shines brighter than one thousand suns

pick yourself up and keep going because giving up,
well, giving up is not what life is about.

Trying to breathe deeply
is like trying to find God
in a world riddled with
people named Lucifer.

The reality is,
you will never find God if you're
searching too hard.

Looking too deeply for anything
is like blinding yourself
from the reality that
sits
right
infront
of

you.

it is calm,
and not only are the street filleds with silent rummbles of small cars on a Sunday,
but the birds have decided to stay slipping into a slumber,
waiting, for the sun, to wake up their pretty eyes