Working 9-5 struggling to feel alive, yet the pleasures of the weekend call to me.

My manager treats me well, lets me live in a glorified prison cell, 4 walls and a lack of sunshine to get me by.

Because the bottom line was worth my talents being bought on the bottom dollar so my boss can afford another Porsche.

I spend my days in a relentless haze looking at a life that I wish I had. Restless and lacking an emotional albi, my head holds me back because my heart knows I've tried to find the map to success one too many times.

What I do know to be true is that all my thoughts lead me back to you and what we'd do if we lost it all tomorrow.

Because everything we own is borrowed yet our time is owed to pay our debts and drown our sorrows in the latest fashion and technology credit can buy.

All of this a countless scheme living in a capitalistic regime where the boss makes a dollar and I wish I had a dime.

When does this cycle end, what I would give to have my livelihood extend, instead of running a rat race against my will.

Not to be instruspective here, but at this rate you're already dead my dear and the light leaving my eyes is not to far behind.

So, I take my 2 weeks vacation a year and pride myself on facing my fears because if my routine were to ever break I'm not sure what else I'd find.

Let's raise our glasses and make a toast, to the cubicles we live in the most. May a workaholic's love never find me.

Borderline Personality Disorder...

It's this thing that lurks in the shadows, a feeling that doesn't quite always manifest the same way.

BPD...the silent killer.....or maybe that's what all diseases are. I'm not so sure.

What I do know is that I never expected to make it past 18 much less to 23. What I do know is that BPD has a mortality rate of 8-10%. What I do know is that I'm scared.

Scared that one day the hidden thoughts of my mind, those things we like to keep in a box, will soon find their way to the frontal lobe of my brain and send my consciousness soaring.

Scared that one day I'll finally get tired. Then, I'll get tired of feeling tired and then I won't be tired at all anymore.

Scared of my ability to hurt others even more than I hurt myself.

What I find to be the sick irony of the whole situation is that BPD manifests solely from immense abuse. You cannot be born with it, the mannerisms are all learned. Therefore, I am now forced to bargain my existence, tiptoeing through memories that should be long forgotten.

Trying to remember what my childhood was like while overcooking my breakfast.

Trying to shower but my brain continues to replay that time she raised her hands to me.

Trying to sleep....but my brain doesn't allow that comfort much anymore because those thoughts find their way into my dreams.

When we struggle, they like to remind us that "we are not alone". Yet when I dream at night, I am the one to close my eyes. When I walk into a restaurant, I am the one that can't sit with my back to the door anymore.

I want to give a special shoutout to everyone who played a role in me obtaining this diagnosis. If it weren't for your years of abuse, I wouldn't be living through the single most wonderful years of my life.

Without you, I'd be free and freedom from ourselves is much easier said than done.

Some people lie, yet some lie more than anyone else.
Some people die, yet some die for the lies they tell.

So, yes I'd lie for you, at times even die for you,
though we know you wouldn't do the same for me.

Some men protect, while some cower in fear.
Some men love their children, some make us question why we're even here.

So yes, I'll always love you but when the fog of my brain clears and the fears resurface I'll remember who you truly are, a man whose memory fades as fast as his courage.

The seasons of my life continue to be prolonged with every chapter in this rather tumultuous book continuing to get longer and more convoluted.

I'd often read the guides to manhood set upon us by the universe and yet I can't seem to find the section where they mentioned a father who doesn't stand up for his children, a father who puts money first, a father who truly loves no one but himself.

You see, it would be easier to treat you as the villain of my not-so-friendly fairy tale, yet doing so would insinuate that you have power, and truthfully my dear you have none.

I'd ask if when my seasons changed, if you'd stand by me. Yet I know the truth is quite simple, I'm a young man built to fall, knowing that while others will catch me, my father will not be one of them.

So, as I continue to write my own guide to manhood, I refuse to let those looks in the mirror haunt me because of my likeness to you.

No, I refuse to let this tattoo on my chest burn anything into my brain but a reminder of those few good memories.

A reminder that underneath your cowardice...stands the promise of a man who once was, a man who could've been, a ghost of my father's past.

You'll always be a piece of my peace of mind.
You'll always be the sunrise when the clouds threaten to pull me taut from behind.

If home is wherever I'm with you then consider me a permanent transplant, a vigilante on the run from the horrors of both our pasts, looking for an ode to our youth.

Yes, if loving you was an ocean I'd drown so you could stay afloat, wishing I'd be the wave that sunk your every adversary's imaginary boat.

For I'd always thought I was a sickness looking for a cure, yet you've moved mountains to preserve what's left of me that's pure.

Baptized by bad times, swigging a bottle of regrets, you swam me to the surface with no fear for the horrors that our love may beget.

Because we're a million times better together than we ever were apart, loving you is an honor and privilege, so thank you for letting me into your heart.

I've been American dreaming...a slumber of days untold.
American dreaming...a longing for the days of old.

Because old dogs can't seem to stop turning tricks and the lotto's been called again but I still haven't won my picks.

American dreaming of days of the past where bad things were common and women wore masks.

Of smiles and deceit to hide their fate from the men with knives who swore they'd made the pain fade.

Away to the future where "******" run amok, and the ones elected to "save" us couldn't give a f---.

Yes, I'm American dreaming, of a place welled up with pride, I'm American dreaming as we **** ourselves from the inside.

In a place screaming "Freedom" as we duck and run to hide.
The abyss pulls us closer as we put our trust into those who've lied,

to save their skin, because we only back the best...
I'm American dreaming...but I can't seem to get no rest.

I've always been drawn to inanimate objects. Call it my ADHD or just general neurological fuckery...but I've always understood objects more than people.

Spoons are safe, plain and simple.

Spoons are spherical devices with no sharp edges and a low probability of hurting others.

I never took them for much more than the pragmatic things they were. Spoons are a means to an end, a vessel of delivery.

Yet for some reason I now see how vital spoons are to my very existence.

Always forgetable, spoons are easy to take for granted due to their immense accessability. Yet, they bring about waves of panic in me when I can't find them...especially when I need them most.

You know those people....you know, the weirdos that collect spoons as trophies and tokens to be revered on shelves. I've always kept spoons on shelves before...pretty...and completely impractical.

Because those spoons were never meant to be ate with, never meant to be used to sustain myself. No....I want a beautifully dented spoon.

A spoon that's been ran through the garbage disposal by accident at 3am....a spoon that's been dropped on the floor and licked by six cats at once.... a spoon that just needs a little polish and a whole lot of love.

All my life...I've eaten with forks, knives, and sometimes even just my fingers. And while I've learned there is a time and place for all utensils in this world....I would be lying if I said I didn't hold a special place in my heart for spoons.

I know not much in this universe...but even in the hours when my brain goes dark and the lights begin to dim I know these three things to be true.

Spoons are safe.
Spoons are sustainable.
Spoons are worthy of love.

And I vow to spend the rest of my days....eating soley from my spoon and I will always be honored to be yours in return.

The wildest thing about flowers is how unconventionally strong they are. Think about it...some flowers bloom under the harshest of conditions.

When they're beaten and battered by life and the odds are arguably against them, some flowers find a way to bloom through the cracks in the sidewalk.

If a flower can survive amongst the chaos of a crowded street, think of it's potential in the midst of a cultivated field. Where love and encouragement flow freely and days are spent growing a future and not just dodging the blows of footsteps threatening to squash them from all directions.

Towering above the rest in the field, one singular sunflower stands alone. Stronger than the rest, built out of neccessity and self preservation, a tough exterior because she has had to have one.

And sure, the sunflower has grown on her own for years, done well enough surviving, not quite thriving, the yellows of her petals not quite as vibrant as they could be because so much nutrients has been ****** away by the weeds clinging to her from below.

She needs not a savior but wants nothing more than someone to take the time to stop and appreciate her strength. The phrase "stop and smell the roses" has never made much sense to me until now.

We all admire flowers for their surface value, for their beauty, for what they can offer us immediately. How have we forgotten over the years that flowers provide the very oxygen that we breath? That in addition to their beautiful exterior, they're also the backbones of what makes us who we are?

So no, I do not have a green thumb and have not a clue how to cultivate a future but I do know I'd walk through a field for miles, clearing debris if it meant you got to spread your roots a little further, soak in a little more sun, and feel a little bit stronger.

Because anyone can admire a sunflower's beauty, but the real work begins when you long to spread your roots and cultivate a whole field.

While beautiful indeed, one sunflower on it's own is no match for a windy day...but a field with stakes in the ground and love in the soil is a force to be reckoned with.