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Crashing into the wave side
Endless depths to a never ending heart
Unable to see my faults for what they are
Such distance lost in the currents

Sometimes when I write a beautiful moment, I like to wait before I mark the world with its stain and keep this reverie just for me

It must be the selfishness that's settling
I can't tell you what it is that makes a man
But, I think I might know
It looks like times just not on my side
I can hear my train a coming
I'm still running for my life
Oh what a distant and welcoming cry
death doesn’t scare me anymore
there are worse things

empty has no hope
deserts are formation
breath is shallow
cold is paralysing, heat without relief
utter exhaustion

death doesn’t scare me anymore
there are worse things

empty has no hope
eddies progress in formations across the ground
scratching around in the earth
rivulets of dust fan out across the surface
grinding and polishing the soul

death doesn’t scare me anymore
there are worse things

empty has no hope
profound nothing
only pain makes this real
but it is fleeting and empty seeps back in
there is no self-worth

death doesn’t scare me anymore
there are worse things

this lesson has been hard
it has been lonely
the empty has been necessary
there is no point lower
now the ground is stable

death doesn’t scare me anymore
there are worse things

empty has no hope
tumbling through a wash cycle of dust
and nothing
I have already died
been to my own funeral
mourned my passing, grieved for months
walked through a valley of half-life in shadow
and have come out the other-side

deserts are lessons
and I am not scared anymore

@journeyofdays

PTSD PTSInjury   #growth #lifelesson #PTSgrowth  #death #life
 Apr 2017 Dillan Courtright
mike
These things don't write themselves. Somebody has to build the machine that spits it all out. Relentlessly. Forever. A whole country standing in line to build a story they never have time to read. We're all slaves in this one. The dead leading the dead.
This place has become so familiar, yet it has never felt comfortable. I'm being watched and not even my insides can turn unseen. I've been here, I've stood here, and I'm terrified. I cannot close my eyes for fear that the faces will follow me into what is supposed to be my escape. I cannot escape. I cannot escape myself.
I don't want to live
I'd rather slowly waste away
This life, it hurts
And I often wonder
If it's really worth the pain
I shut myself off from the world
And retreat into my mind
Sometimes, I feel the pain
Is the only thing keeping me alive

I want to die
I want to die more than anything
Because they don't call it
The easy way out
For nothing
Sometimes, I grow tired of being strong
And I want to climb to the highest cliff
And watch myself fall

I'm falling hard
And fading fast
And I don't want to make it out alive
I'm tired of walking blind
And shooting straight
I just wish my world would dissipate
I left my heart in our broken city
deep beneath the dark and crushing sea
In the cold and crumbled streets
where you and I used to run and hide.
We'd stick each other with syringes,
and ****** black eyed waifs
from off the backs of violent giants.
Set them free for a taste of their blood.
We'd listen to Django and Stephanie
on that old Victrola,
while we snacked on chips
and drank pilfered gin
 from the busted Circus of Values.
Because, your tightwad *******
brother, couldn't spare a dime.
I still have that snapshot,
of you with your Tommy gun
mowing down splicers,
a puddle of Eve at your feet.
Where did we go wrong?
Was it in the half-flooded sections,
were we hid from Ryan's rampage,
before he made me smash his skull.
Or was it that last gene tonic we split,
after the reactor went supernova.

Somebody Rapture me, already.
I wasn't made to last anyway, my lovely.
I just wish I could have lived long enough
to see the girls grow up,
under the cerulean and cream sky.
But, all dreams are destined to die,
the fire and freakshow was fun
while the liquor and shotgun shells lasted
The only thing I know for sure,
is that what they call freedom
is just Dystopia waiting to happen.
Neo-Liberal Capitalism will **** everything beautiful and precious, unless we **** it first
She's my best friend
My worst enemy too
To my mind she does tend
Teaching me every day, things anew

She feeds my mind
with thoughts that shock, but also uplift
A better wingman, I cannot find
To me, she's such a gift

She is the one who shows me love
And joy in the littlest of things
The reason my heart pursues the purity of a dove
Led by her, my soul sings

I could not live without her
She'd cease to exist, without me
The girl in the mirror
She is me, I am she
The inspiration without is only a reflection of a never-ending fountain of inspiration within.
Do you have any idea how it feels
To have someone leave you in order to "protect you"?
And they always think they're the first one ever to do it too
Like there isn't a parade of cowards marching away
With excuses falling from their lips
When really
They're just scared that they could hurt someone so deeply.
I've got news for you all
The ones who leave
The ones who left
For my own good.
You didn't.
You don't.
You left for yours.
You leave
For yours.
You know as well as I do that my pain at being abandoned
Is a thousand times what any cruelty could have been
If only you stuck around to dish it out.
You just didn't
Want
To watch.
I have to watch.
Every time.
I have to watch it decimate the parts of me I've spent time nurturing.
I have to watch and know that you think
You saved me from you.
So let me tell you what being left for your own good feels like.
It feels like being used.
It feels like being patronized.
It feels like being disposable.
It feels like
Being condemned.
I'm brave enough to face the horrors inside of you.
Are you?
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