I never thought
that i would love something so much
but you've proven that i can
with us constantly adoring each other

why would you love me so much
i should let you go
but you won't go
and i still don't know why

it would be for your own good

I love you

As the blood drips from my veins i swear i am nothing

I love you

As the held back tears are finally released i swear i am hopeless

I love you

As one song plays on repeat and sketchy scribbles on used to be crumpled paper forms
I swear to everything innocent
I love you

If my future didn't seem so bleak and your presence so fleeting i probably wouldn't be like this

If my life hadn't  been so violently shoved to the brink of dehydration and starvation in the thought of my own doing
I probably wouldn't be like this

As i type these words i think of the night sky and all of the stars that aren't even there anymore
As i type these words i think of all of the stuttered i love you's
And all of the stern don't do that again's
And all of the 'you're a worthless *****!'s

And I realize
That all of this
Is just the beginning
I'm not sure if i want to see the end
I want to create it

While the words sink in and the fingers couldn't possibly be bitten more and the slashes couldn't be more painless i want to know
Why
Couldn't
You
Be
Here

We need no one's approval.
We are poets, not pleaders.

You are
a brass framed
feather bed
in the middle of
a dilapidated forest
white
waxen
cadaverous
arms and metacarpals
outstretched
screeching praise to
Father Fumigated Sky
a tie dyed atmosphere
embodying the ambiance
of some apocalyptic rose garden
bled gold, wine,
& liquid ecstasy
and leaked through chemical clouds
or the coagulated tears of
God...

my strange,
creaky comfort.

may we

watch it all
crash down
in peace.

I will resent you
for the rest of my days,
even if they somehow
find a way to
intertwine with yours again.

I hate you for saving me.
For showing me how
heroic I could be
if I put my mind to it.
For teaching me to
let people in
and making me see
all the love I have to give them.

I'll always hate you for that.

It makes me sick
that I was sick before
and now that I've
regained my health,
I've spread the spores
to everyone else &
now they are infected.


For the record


you did not reject me,
I quarantined myself,

you're so very welcome.


I will resent you
for the rest of my days
for promising me the world
then leaving me to cope alone
with loss and
the paradox of better words.

spit fire
swallowed swords
perspire six
bullets shot
arrows at the hoarde
cherub cut the cord
to this cloud nine
contorted to coincide
with the cliche story we
created in our minds
it's only
dragging us behind
the rest of the star dust
and eruptions in the sky
still I can't deny that you & I
seem to be aligned
& perfectly alive
but blinded
by this
blissful chemical
connection blurring boundaries,
any and all direction
I had built up to believe in
I don't see it
anymore.  

well don't you believe in ghosts?
I've heard that you can't see those
but they still make the most
of their state watching us
throw ours away
for rage and payback,
for show.

now you didn't
hear me say that,
it's just a theory
not a proven fact,
but boy,
do those theories hold fast.
alas I am ****** & sanguine,
a paper-hearted substance
& foam lip logic but
you may call me nonsense.

don't ask if
I know when
I'm gunna stop,
cause I'm not.
nope, I'm not.