How odd is it the way it plays,
How weird is it the way it says,
How dreadful it is when it gaze,
And to realize that it's all a maze.

With lips of slyness curling up.
yet eyes as dead as perished fish,
With fist of hatred clenching tight,
yet words of kindness with a wish.

Hold the knife, the rope and pills,
Hold it tight and never give up;
Hold the thread that keeps you alive,
Hold it till it finally snaps.

Keep your head high and clear,
Keep your minds straight and sheer,
Keep your thoughts away from smears,
And make decisions by your fears.

How come, even though
I know it isn't wrong,
I still feel
guilty,
disgusting,
like I am doing something
very
wrong?

I'm trying so hard to sleep
to forget what I've done
because what if you were right?

What if my guilt
that I haven't placed yet
is God's punishment
for being
sinful?

I almost wish we never
had that conversation.
I was uncomfortable
and I didn't realize
what I was getting myself
into.

I don't blame you
for making me feel this way,
it is my own insecurity
that is making me wish
I never abandoned
religion
at
all.

Maybe if I was on
God's good side
again
I wouldn't be having this
dilemma.

It's been ages
and I feel dumb,
I know what I should do
but honestly I'm too scared
to do it.

So I'm going to lie here
and work up the courage
to pray,
because I'm tired
of feeling lost
and feeling
shame.