they call it self harm like you are the one hurting yourself. I can tell you that six months ago I was not the one carving hate into my skin. but people don't want to hear that. people don't want to hear that my skin has been razor free for half a year because that would mean razors have touched it. I know this because I told my best friend about my hobby and they are not my best friend anymore. people only want to be friends with survivors. no one wants to be around long sleeves regardless of the weather. no one wants to be around a rain cloud on a sunny day. no one wants to go on a drive with you if you always end up at the same bridge. you have to learn how to be your own best friend. you have to learn to put the razor down. you have to learn how to love yourself. you have to learn that scars heal and people change. six months ago I did not know this. I've learned I've changed and so can you.

I always ask my brother which eye he wants to open in the dark. I have a foreign notion of how to be homesick. I have a son whose body won’t tell him he’s well. I see the face of god as an idea gods use to evoke intellect. as a girl, the man of few words found himself surrounded by things she could describe.

He said; What up ma

Oh yo you can't speak

******* *****

******* trick

acting like you're to good for me

YO *****
         I'm talking to you


You're here waiting for this bus

like everyone else  

          What the ***** wrong with you

He walks closer and bends down

                        all in my space

All up in my  face & I've yet to utter a sound


  I stand up & try to move round

He says yo *****

                   I'm talking to you


Pulls out a bunch of cash & waves it at me

I smile a smile so sugary sweet

He says; that's it ****

I bet now yo ***** *** gonna speak

I walk slowly up to him then look back

                       I see the bus is coming

                                    so I have to act fast

He's still waving his massive cash

I get close to him

placing my hands on each shoulder

                             I lean in
         so close

   I whisper in his ear

That's Mis ****

While my knee crashes
                          directly into his *****

I jab him right in his face

1st my right fist

             then with my left

and snatched all his cash

I run & hop my *** on
the bus

Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved

I've been so curious as to what I am.
What I am to other people.
What I mean to other people.
And I have found out what it is.
I am nothing.
I am the unwanted friend and son.
I am the mistake made at a party.
I am the regret you feel when you realized you could've done better.
I am the thing people don't want.

Why am I this way.
Why am I thrown away after I give everybody my all.
Why am I getting hurt.
For doing my best.

I'm sorry.
If I went away you wouldn't notice.
You wouldn't feel or see the difference.
But as soon as I say this.
I exist again.
I "matter".
It's just because you don't want to have to deal with death.
Deal with putting up the front of sadness.
I know I wouldn't be missed.
But that doesn't matter.
Because I don't matter.

I am living in a personal hell.
I burn brightest when nights are darkest.
I suffer in silence, because
It is too hard for me to show my emotions.
I don't want anyone to worry about me,
Because my bleeding emotions is always mine.
Now my heart is fragile.
I whisper,
How long must i suffer in silence?
I think it is too much.
I am always at war, with
My own thoughts and hopes.
I have come to the end.
Now i can feel the death's hands envelope my neck.
Slowly, i am loosing my breath.
I will miss my depression.
I will miss crying in the shower.
I will miss the voices.
I will miss my sufferings in silence.
I am slowly progressing but advancing nevertheless.
Ah!
It is over.
I am fine,
it is the easier term for you to hear,
And to think everything is fine.

i like you because i was taught that you are too good for me
and am blessed that you look at my face a little too long.

there is no real connection.
you're ******* boring
but i let you talk to me
because you are
pretty