Thoughts of death are coming back.
I cut my hand open on purpose.
I don't want to move.
I don't want to live.
Woo.

Its interesting to see,
that this thing happens so constantly.

I'm here.
I exist.

I'm seen.
I'm acknowledged.

I'm a part of something.

But like all good things.
They go away in time.

Within time,
i fade.

I'm ignored.
I'm forgotten.

Like an old memory,
that doesn't need to be remembered.

I'm an afterthought.

The more i think,
the more i know.
I know i am a failure.
I know i am unwanted.
I don't ever want to leave this room.
I don't want to leave this bed.
It will be my final resting place.
Like a body bag.
Because there is no glory in a bag.
Just like there isn't any in this bed.
Im lethargic,
Im dying.

I've been so curious as to what I am.
What I am to other people.
What I mean to other people.
And I have found out what it is.
I am nothing.
I am the unwanted friend and son.
I am the mistake made at a party.
I am the regret you feel when you realized you could've done better.
I am the thing people don't want.

Why am I this way.
Why am I thrown away after I give everybody my all.
Why am I getting hurt.
For doing my best.

I'm sorry.
If I went away you wouldn't notice.
You wouldn't feel or see the difference.
But as soon as I say this.
I exist again.
I "matter".
It's just because you don't want to have to deal with death.
Deal with putting up the front of sadness.
I know I wouldn't be missed.
But that doesn't matter.
Because I don't matter.

I've been asked why I picked this name.
Timothy lee.
"What's the connection?"
"What's the importance"
"What does it mean"
Timothy Richard Lee.
Now.
Lee is nothing.
A common name.
But.
Those two names are who I wish to be.
Who I want to be.
I want to be like them.
A hero.
Like a bird.
Soaring in the sky.
To save you.
I know I can't be him.
I can't be the robin.
I can't save because all I do is destroy.
I wish I wouldn't destroy,
Or steal.
That was never my intention.
I just want happiness in your lives.
I'll never be the robin.
Just the cards in the deck that aren't used.

-Mr.J (T.L.)

It's 4 a.m.
I can't sleep.
I can't think.
I just stare at this ceiling and think,
What if.
What if I did it.
What would be different?
Who would be happier?
Would she be happier?
Would they be happier?
Would I?
I don't know the answer.
I ponder.
I question.
For days and days I think.
But yet no clue of what would've happened.
So I guess we will never know.
I have a message to the parallel earth where it did happen.
Congratulations.
I hope I'm not missed.

Calm,
Collected,
Smiling,
This is what you see on the outside.
Safe,
Calm,
Happy...
But it's a mask,
A suit,
Body armor.
Cause on the inside,
Decay,
Death,
Depression.
Screaming so loud it would wake a def man.
Each day is pain.
I scream louder and louder yet i never make a sound.
All you hear is silence,
And all you see is a smile.
But on the inside,
Is darkness,
Torture,
Blackness...