how do you explain the hollowness you feel within?
how do you tell people that you feel empty, like someone scooped everything out of your soul
how do you fake a smile and talk real loud so that you drown out the demons within
whispering, taunting, urging oh go on, it's only too easy to...
how do you say you're fine while hoping, praying someone will look into your eyes and say 'No, you're not.'
how do you cry yourself to sleep every night and go to school with a pre-planned smile, yes I'm fine just really tired, math tutorials make me want to **** myself
and they smile knowingly because they understand
but if only they knew just how true that statement is.
if only they knew how you stared out of the window, knowing that there is nothing that could possibly hold you back from leaping over the edge and soaring, spiraling down to your reprieve from this hell, this flesh prison to which you are bound.
if only they knew how many times you held that bottle of pills in your hand, knowing that if you counted out 27 pills and downed them all at once, your oh so tired heart would slowly slow down and eventually stop, sending you into a peaceful slumber .

if only they knew that some people were born to die,
and that's okay.

music is the way i escape
when the voices are raised and i can't think
and i drown it all out with the music on at full volume
concentrate on the lyrics,
you don't the hear the dysfunction around you.
oblivion by shutting all noise out
pretending it doesn't exist,
shoving it to the back of my mind,
if i can't hear it, it's not real.
let the carefully crafted and polished words of catchy pop songs drown out the raw dripping words being screamed at each other.
music is the way i deal with life

they say that time is supposed to heal but the wounds you left were permanent and raw and they still bleed today if I stretch too much
my mind is a vast expanse and you are the lonesome tree in the centre dominating the landscape leaving room for nothing else
you said our love would transcend death but our love is dead and I wish I was too
my body was the battlefield and your tongue was the weapon and we fought many wars together but we all know battle scars never fade and you left as rashly as you came leaving me a barren wasteland
and I yearn to feel your body against mine, shadows cast by neon lights 12.01 am getting sweaty and hot and it picks up pace and no one has to know because nights like these will last forever yes laying here in your arms for eternity
gone
one day you decided that i was not enough
one day you realised that settling down was not for you.
one day you left
and you never returned

in a room full of my friends
and yet
i am all alone
and  i am so tired of feeling this way
this constant sense of inadequacy
constant need to prove my worth
**** it
i don't owe you anything
i don't owe you an explanation
i don't owe you evidence of how 'cool' i am
******* for thinking that way and honestly just *******
I'm tired of caring so much for people who can't even summon up a **** to give about me.
i am just so tired and exhausted of this constant marathon that is school and the constant race to be the most popular or the hottest or the smartest
i don't even care if my crush likes me back
i just want to be free from expectations and worries
free to live life the way i want to without fear of judgement and just free
from you.

everytime I think of you I blush
I just can't get you out of my head
this is more than just a simple crush
I almost wish I was dead

Cause you don't want me
and you never will
the two of us could never be
for I'm just another girl.

and yet everytime I see you
my heart just beats a little faster
I  don't even know what to do

why am I so in love with you

when i saw you the first time
you took my breath away
eyes that shone full of life and hope and warmth
and you smiled and said hi
and i
crumbled
because your smile made my heart race and calmed me at the same time
and
i smiled back and then i knew that i could never have you
i knew you would never want me back and I tried to stop falling
but
i tripped over the smooth and velvety sound of your laughter and
fell
head first into 'like'
and I knew that you were too popular too smart and too good looking
but
we had to much in common and i had hope because you talked to me too and sometimes i'd catch you staring at me and we'd make eye contact and smile and i'd be breathless again and i hoped and i hoped and i hoped and then we talked and you said
that you wanted to date a nice girl from your religion
and
i fell apart
i knew we'd never be together but
i'd never thought it would be because of a man made construct such as religion and
my heart shattered into a million pieces
because there is nothing i can do to get you back
the bright-eyed boy who radiated hope rendered me hopeless
and i still loved it

i feel weird again i lament
i feel mortal
i am aware of my mortality
for a split second i feel
strange
i feel like flesh and bones
no soul just muscles that could rip and tear and shred and be broken and
death
i could die
for a second i have a heightened awareness of this fact
and it feels
strange
my tongue starts to tingle
mortality
i feel my body decay from within
i feel like dying
my heart feels weird
it feels like t is burdensome to continue beating.
it feels heavy
if that is even possible
i just don't know what is real and what i feel
i am confused and lost and i clutch my chest
feel the warmth
i'm still alive right
and i just don't
i just can't
i simply don't know how to explain what I feel
i just feel like flesh and bones and nothing more.