lost in a dark place
trapped in a crawl space
in my mind I get lost in
I wake up in a coffin
they tell me they care they’re just in love with the idea of me
so they’ll never know about the pain I go through
It’s like a chain of reaction
all the demons attack from all the drugs that I’m taking
It’s like I’m losing my traction
kiss death on the lips I have a fatal attraction
this is my heart
watch as my problems inspire me
tear me apart
won’t let the demons take over me
they took it too far I don’t wanna fall apart
It's like I'm lost in the motions
use this rhyme as a rope
to wrap around the commotion
tie the knot at my throat
I look at death as a notion
I don't want it no more
but it's too late to reverse it
as I fall on the floor

To trip away in a cloud so grey
To not feel the same
Bro I cry everyday
Things I can not change
Life is very strange
I know you feel this way
Can't carry the weigh
So I'll die someday
But for now please stay

I watch days go by
Fly away
feel sanity decay
I’m floating
In my mind
I don’t seem to know why
Then I crash into the ground
Hearing my thoughts pass
Thinking I might drown
Deep in depression
I can’t catch my breath
I’m not in the room
Yet with mania I feel like I bloom
Insane eyes
Racing mind
Sanity dies
Yet I find beauty on it
I think I’m having a heart attack
I can’t feels my legs
I’m not here
I’m not real
Nothing’s real
I can’t feel a thing
Making me feel terrified
Am I dying?
I’m afraid I might hurt myself
Why my hands seem like they’re not there?
Days are long
And of the nights I never get enough
About to get ****** up
I pour my cup
I’m getting drunk
I smoke
I want to ****
Wanna trip up
To feel awake
And not feel the same
To feel alive
Will I survive?
Hyperactive
Will I thrive?
Depression is consuming me
Like the joints
I fly away with
Through smoke
Mania’s back
Ready for attack
Anxiety has my back
No matter how high I fly
I fall back
It’s a panic attack
Make it stop
I flop
I take my pills
And they put me to sleep
Then I dream
Vividly dream
I’m not scared
Is this a dream?
Why does it feel like it’s real?
I don’t feel real awake
When I think of death
I’m not scared
Will I go?

I'm drifting
through my dreams,
occasionally colliding
with a hint of certainty.
I'm higher than I seem,
fighting the concept
of reality as a means.
I'm lost in the sky.
I can't remember why,
but life is just easier
when I get a little high.

these lakes hold nothing more than the emptiness of my own two hands;
      than the silent fall of my breath.
because the birds are awake and the sky is still an empty canvas
              that I didn’t finish, that I chose not to because these fingers would not keep still, because they were too focused on tracing you,
    and trying to twine you back together again,

and the sun does not speak to us, not like we speak to it,
    It does not open its sad, dull mouth to try and herd together our aching, empty words,
It does not speak in tune, it does not speak at all.
and the moon does not look at us, not like we look at it,
It does not try to study the placing of our bones, or our wide open arms and how they got that way,
It does not wonder why we sing to it, why we sing to it with our hoarse throats and heavy eyes.

these lakes write in cursive. These lakes write in ripples
from our lips, whistling over them, delicate, trying not to disturb.
these lakes know us. These lakes do not forget -
can’t forget, because we have fixed our naked backs into their stomachs, floating,
trying to write our way into the sonnet,
trying to be a part of something other than our own selves.

But the birds cry from grief, and all the water tries to do, is drown us.

So we both walk home alone, bare feet parading over torn ground, shoes grasped between our bleeding hands.

When a girl says she wants to look like me
I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel
Do you want to look like me?
Well don’t try
I’m sick.
You want my waist?
You really don’t want to know how that tastes
Cause my waist is not made up of a healthy habits and you wouldn’t want to be this disgraced.
You wouldn’t want to be afraid
You wouldn’t want to feel bleak  
You wouldn’t want to feel this weak
There are days when I just can’t handle myself
You wouldn’t want to just stare at your plate
You’ll get addicted if you start
Please don’t do that to you
Cause once she gets to your head
she’ll never want to leave
that’s what she did to me.
Do you want to look like me?
Don’t
don’t look up to me
cause I’m much more than what you get to see.

It’s too light out to be thinking this dark                
The moon gleams in all it’s glory tonight
Even the clouds are awake
The stars blanket around the ideas of who we are
They whispear our success
I’m trapped in a maze I’ve created myself
But the moon will guide me home.

What are we, but figures of skin?
What are we, but souls of sin?
What are we, what have we been?
What story is there behind a grin?

The stories of men are what I seek.
Behind each face, the messages speak.
Of people turned depressed and morally weak,
and of experiences which leave men bleak.

As I lie awake staring at the ceiling
I see the fluorescent light bulb flickering
for how long it will remain bright is uncertain
the cold breeze pans my vision to the curtain
now I see the moon brightly shining
looking back at the tiny fluorescent light, I kept comparing
why can't I see the moon when there is rain
but when skies cry this light bulb is here to remain
then a quick flash kept my ears ringing
I've answered my questions without even knowing
the moon leaves me everyday
but even when I **** it, the tiny fluorescent lightbulb will stay

"As the sun and moon
aligned in the sky,
they illuminated each other's shine.
And the closer to each other they moved,
the brighter they shined,
and the higher the fire
inside of us grew.

As we raced through the days
on that fling,
each footprint we laid
blazed away that piece
of the earth's entire lifetime of beauty
in the brief second it touched our feet,
leaving nothing but ashes beneath us.

Until we had no ground left to stand on
and nowhere left to flee.
And now that we've turned away
from our fire
to face the days that remained
unburned by the flames,
and learn to gaze at them
through sane eyes
one day at a time.

We can look back at our book
with clear sight
and give it the ending
that we never got the chance to write.
And while I know it's too late
to pick up the ripped-up pages,
I will admit,
I still think of our little prince.

And sometimes I go outside
and look up at the sky
and think about what planet
he might've gone back to after he died.
Then I imagine the three of us
living up there as a family
in another lifetime.

But for now, you have your own life,
and I have mine.

And we have to live them
the way we would have
if we could go back to the day
we conceived our child
and were able to see what
our manic eyes were blind to at the time.

When the sun and moon finally came
as close as they could be
and the fire inside us rose
to its highest peak,
it leaped past
the fading ashes of our flesh
to burn our love into eternity,
through our baby.

That eternal flame
that could blaze brighter
than our manic one ever could
on its brightest mania days,
but that would also sustain. "

Travel like a king
Listen to the inner voice
A higher wisdom is at work for you
Conquering the stumbling blocks come easier
When the conqueror is in tune with the infinite
Every ending is a new beginning
Life is an endless unfoldment
Change your mind, and you change your relation to time

You can find the answer
The solution lies within the problem
The answer is in every question
Dig it?
An attitude is all you need to rise and walk away
Inspire yourself
Your life is yours
It fits you like your skin

The oak sleeps in the acorn
The giant sequoia tree sleeps in its tiny seed
The bird waits in the egg
Gods wait for their unfoldment  in man
Fly on, children
Play on

You gravitate towards what you secretly love most
You meet in life the exact reproduction of your own thoughts
There is no chance, coincidence or accident
In a world ruled by law and divine order
You rise as high as your dominant aspiration
You descend to the level of your lowest concept of your self
Free your mind and your *** will follow

The infinite intelligence within you knows the answers
Its nature is to respond to your thoughts
Be careful of the thought-seeds you plant in the garden of your mind
For seeds grow after their kind

Play on, children

Every thought felt as true
Or allowed to be accepted as true by your conscious mind
Takes roots in your subconscious
Blossoms sooner or later into an act
And bears its own fruit
Good thoughts bring forth good fruit
******* thoughts rot your meat
Think right, and you can fly
The kingdom of heaven is within
Free your mind, and your *** will follow

Play on, children
Sing on, lady

The drag of your hand across my back
sparks a blaze my lips can not extinguish
You,
You see my veins shake at your first touch,
the power to move my blood on your own accord
the definition of heart
I beg my skin to do tricks
like forget how good it feels to lose control
between the burning house
of your hands.

I feel so fragile
Bipolar
Anxiety yet at the same time
at moments I can't feel a thing
Numb
half empty
half full
desesperate to feel
desesperate to calm
lonely yet loved

As I take this cigarette
my life goes up in smoke,
in clouds of gray and white
some day I'll die of stroke.

If only I could quit
this habit that I have,
my lungs would never rot
all cancerous and scabbed.

And though I know this all,
to my love I still return,
for nicotine I crave for nicotine I yearn.

Take this poem to heart,
and let thy cigarette go,
for dying of lung cancer
is the slowest death I know.

I am just going to lye on my grass and allow the bees to do what they want
Because as soon as I bask in my freedom, lying on that glistening green grass
Here comes the bees getting ready for their attack
As soon as I flick one off, another comes
And as hard as I fight, the bees are the ones who have won
Not because the quantity is too much for me to take
But because I let them get to me and over exaggerate
Realistically the bees aren't going to eat me alive
It's the way you perceive these bees, so you let them eat your mind
And the more you allow it to happen, the more bees will return
And will soon become a habit to much to overturn
but how am I suppose to free myself of becoming bee baite
I can't, and I've come to the conclusion I never will
Because as soon as I plan my picnic, I notice the ants making their way up the hill.

What is insanity?
Why is it constantly blamed on clamity?
I feel as if the word and it's definition is to blame,
That crazy is just a stereotype to make people think you have to be and see things a certain way,
To build boundaries around people's minds,
And anything outside of that is evidence of insane signs,
The misfortunate ones are those who change,
Who think the brainwashing media is right and they should mold into a certain way,
But I disagree, STRONGLY disagree
Because why be something you weren't meant to be,
It's a sad cycle that humanity will never seem to learn,
But from that I've come to a realization that id rather be the black sheep of the herd

I'm flying away in my head full of thunder
with tears on my face I can only wonder how long It'll take to forget what I'm feeling.
Am I ever gonna love this way again?

The words on my lips that are never spoken anymore
the dreams of another kiss that could leave me broken
they shadow and haunt me  
they keep me awake
They make me wonder if; Should I have ever gone away?

I know It was for my best
but how the hell do I deal with all the rest?
All the rest of my feelings for you,
What am I supposed to do?
I thought I was doing well but
how are you all around me when you're not really there?
Why do I keep seeing you everything I stare?
every time I stare at literally anything, every time I close my eyes, every time I dream.
It's ridiculously and hauntingly consuming.
Perhaps I'm still too in love to let go, even though I know I have to keep you off my mind but I just can't suppress the memories,
I'm killing my own mind
so I guess I'm not doing fine,
I'm not alright.

Most music is ruined for me, I made monsters out of songs and they scream at me your name
I found this out the other day when I listened to what you used to play,
and so they asked me
"does this song reminds you of him?"
I laughed because,
well,
everything does.

Now I'm left here all alone wondering how I could grow so attached in just months and make the mistake to make a guy my whole world.

My whole world truly because
everywhere I go, everywhere I look, all I see is you.
And I kinda hope you see me too.
In every song I listen to, I can only hear you, in every book I read, you're there in every word. I guess my heart is still sore.

I'm starting to worry I might go insane
I'm just keeping myself in chains
I hope all this pain stops very soon
or else I'm gonna keep going to bed until noon
because all I feel in the moon is you and I'm pretty sure I'll end up getting lost in it,
just as I got lost in you.

Maybe you think I'm selfish and you hate me now but you can't deny you pushed me away too bad.
You know you took me for granted and I hope you regret that you didn't value what you had and what you "wanted".

I need to let go, I can't keep holding on to this grudge,
I guess this is me saying goodbye,
I can't keep telling myself lies and making myself blind.
I wish you the best, I needed to get this off my chest.
And I'm sorry If me ending us hurted you, but now all I wanna do is get over you.

I saw you in my sleep last night again.
It isn't enough for you to be on my mind all the time.
It doesn't matter that I see you everytime I close my eyes.
You won't settle with being in the darkest corners of my mind.
I used to go to sleep so I would'nt have to think, now I wake up sweating because of the nightmares where I sink.
I sink in the ocean of my tears and I drown because you're not with me

The world I seem to occupy
will never see me eye to eye
when rules which bound our fragile lives
leave us fractured,
in disguise.
But if I went a different path
and found some peace in all my wrath
could I escape into a realm
where I'd be captain of the helm?
Rid my soul of all the fear,
that there is only order here.

Do not follow what they say
and don't just live from day to day
Fight away the nine to five
and find what makes you feel alive
Be strange
Go search for you
Climb the peaks and sail the blue.
The high you'll feel is not unreal
just emptiness you wish to heal.

Twisted and delusional is all this will ever be. We keep moving forward being people we don't want to be

Our minds are stuck on a small and lonely place; this is all because we're trying to resemble someone else's face.

All I ever wished for is that I could freely love, but everytime I try it's so hard not to be judged.

We are all cookie cutters and different is not a word.
Same is the same
and that's all that is in this world.

I can't math
but I can word
Start telling students what they're worth
grades do not define who you are
or how great you'll be
they're just sheets with ink that make you believe how dumb or smart you seem.

Some say we're only put in school for the systems sake, oh how I wish this was fake.

We take tests and ache because we didn't get that perfect ten. I wish we could all just shake it off our heads and don't break of stress.

I'm not saying school is not important,
education is the key but school is the lock, it's all about passing and we're not even learning anymore.
As long as you follow the rules and pass your exams you're cool,
but If your answer is something outside the box then the automatic respond is a cross.

Education expands your horizons and visions but school doesn't get further from divisions.
Education inspires minds but school just fills our heads and they try to make us blind and not think for ourselves.
Just memorize equations, facts and dates, they say. For what really? half of them I'll forget straight after the exam, ******* I just really don't wanna be a lamb.

I often find myself on early mornings running to class, because I've spent the night studying, memorizing and trying to pass. I run just to find a spot on which I could rest my head and just sleep without making a scene,
Ironic,
because that's the only time I ever spend on school chasing my dreams

No, I'm not saying that school is bad and there's nothing to gain; All I'm saying is set straight your aims and don't believe all they say.
Stay in school, just don't be a fool.

He awoke one morning sobbing and crying. He didn't know why, but on the inside he felt like he was dying.
He could hear his wife and kids going on about their day as he lay in the bed.
He tried to be strong for them, tried to wipe away his tears but he couldn't.
And instead of being the stereotypical man, keeping his head held high and going to work with his own two hands... he fell to the floor and cried out in pain. His crying was uncontrollable; the tears ran down his cheeks and hit the floor like pouring rain.

He was diagnosed with depression so he took drugs to relieve himself of his compression.
He took the drugs so he could once again open his eyes and see the color of the day.
He took the drugs so he could smile, look around and not be afraid to go this way or that way.
Each time he would take the med, he would smile because he knew soon enough he would be better. But what he didn't know, was that smile would soon turn to a dread. That wasn't suppossed to happen.

Days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months not going to work. Each and every day he would look at his adult hands but each and every day, he would feel less like a man and more like a child. He was in even more pain now.
He felt more and more like suicide was the only way out, but every time that thought crossed his mind, he cried. He was afraid of what might happened if he tried.
Would it hurt? But what could hurt worse that the pain he was feeling at that moment?

He had a voice but it was soft spoken and no one could hear it, or maybe he just didn't know how to explain the pain he felt on the inside and out.
On the inside he was reaching out for help but his hands wouldn't move, he was stuck in time, stuck in this groove.
He became disabled and was denied disability over and over again.

He went to doctor appointment after doctor appointment and continued to sign his life away with the same ******* pen.
He would frequently fall into pits of darkness and the professionals kept pushing facility after facility. They wanted to take him away from his family and make him someone else's liability.

He often wondered if there was anyone else out there that knew his pain. He tried to explain, but never could. Let's say he was actually able to, what would he gain?
It would just be another person feeling sorry for him, and he didn't need that.
Could anyone else really know what it's like to wake up every day just to be terrified to go outside?

And it wasn't that he didn't give it any effort because believe it, he tried.
Could anyone else really know what it's like to walk in public and feel every pair of eyeballs watching?

He knew he wasn't like everybody else and he knew they knew it too.
He constantly felt like he was in a play, center stage and everyone was watching it.
He tried to keep his head down, he tried to not give a **** but it didn't work.
He was a marrionette puppet, he couldn't control his movements. Back to center stage it was a nuisance.

Oh how he wished he could just go back to being depressed and ****. At least he could pretend and try to repress it, like Robin Williams.
But in reality Robin Williams was gone. And a few days after the news broke, he found out he was taking the same **** Robin was on.

You were always high
 but never off my mind
  Still I wanted you with all my heart maybe I was too blind to see that I was too kind to your addiction
and baby I wish it was all just fiction, but oh you were my affliction.

I'm always missing what we had,
  I loved you with all my heart

  You said you loved me like you've    never loved before
you said I was the best thing that  ever happened to you, you swore.
You said the thought of me was your favorite kind of high
You said that no pill, ***** or ***
couldn't even begin to create
the high my presence delivered
That I was the only drug you needed.

Well, you said a lot of things.

You were always high but I did not mind,
your eyes and the way you smiled were too distracting to notice you were just acting to love me the same way I loved you

You hurted me like no one ever had
You had all my heart
but I didn't have yours
I've given up hope
You'll always love me less
than you love your dope

"Just eat"
Mom says to me as she stares at me staring at my plate
"Wouldn't you feel better If you just ate?" She says "you're killing yourself you dumb little girl"  
I roll my eyes and I blink, I can see she's worrying sick by the bottom of her drink. She shrinks in fear every time I sit down to eat, cause she knows what I plan on doing in the bathroom every time I leave the kitchen.

"What a living hell" she says, looking at me like I'm the craziest ******* earth; As if I was the only one in the whole world. I just sit there staring back without talking any words.
She yells "you're putting me trough hell"
"Well mom you're so selfish that it's hard to tell" I respond
She calms a bit down as I bite a carrot, still she always seems to me like a parrot "eat eat eat" "don't do this to me" she repeats night and day even in her sleep.

I love my mum but she doesn't get being numb, food stuck on my mind while I'm just chewing gum, she just thinks I'm really dumb, for starving myself.
"Oh my darling" she sobs every time she's serving my plate "my poor little darling" observing my every move to make sure I don't hide my meal inside my hair
"Just eat, You'll feel better and you'll start to heal"
I know she's right, being cold and dizzy all the time is exactly my fight, Madly I bite my lip so she doesn't notice  I care. My head is aching all the time but at least my weight is not okay for my height so I might hide how much it hurts again.

"Just eat your meat" she says staring at me like I'm some kind of freak "You're so pale and weak, you must eat, don't cheat and you'll get a treat" I know she's right because I can never feel the heat but she should meet the two girls in my head I can never beat.

"Just eat, your arms and legs could snap" but at least I have a slender neck and a stomach that's flat.

"Just eat please, you're so sick" I know this but I'll have to stick with water and celery although I'll have no energy, I'll look pretty.

"Just eat, It tastes better than you think"
she says as she takes a bite out of the dessert she just served, but all I can think of is how much It'll hurt.
"Why would it hurt? It's just cake for god's sake" she yells
But all I feel is dirt and blame on the after taste of chocolate, I know I'll just break If I take a bite. I shake my head saying "No, I'm fine"
"Just eat, I baked it just for you" she says as she pours another glass of wine,
She's been drinking since I was nine, just after I broke my spine and I had to get surgery so mom found comfort on the nursery watching the fat little babies laugh and sleep, she claims there was so much peace she just had to get a drink.

"Just freaking eat" she screams at me
"Why can't you just at least eat beans like the other teens?" "But mom If I eat beans I won't fit into my jeans" I say. "We will get you some new jeans, but at least eat the greens" she responds.

I'm so sick of hearing her, I think my mind might explode so I might as well take a bite, I suppose. I grab a fork but I can't control feeling so alone and exposed so tears start coming out of my eyes, I know she is always right. I should eat, I shouldn't feel this weak.
"That's okay Honey, I'm here"  but that normally only lasts for a week until she stops caring and disappears as I sink in my tears, then she comes back and yells I should
Just eat.

" In the sea of desks
There is talk of bags and games
And long pipes that leak dreams with   a strike of a match

And there's a loudness to the whispers I hear
Whispears shouldn't be that loud, should they?

There's a girl over there who everyone knows
And men without ears who will stand by the door for a price

And long hallways; there are angry mobs of dwarves
and rats
and one single angel.      "

I miss you, plain and simple.
I miss you at 6 am when I open my eyes to go to school and I miss you as I do my hair. I miss you when I stare at my hands, I miss you whenever my mind drifts away class and I miss you everyday when I see everyone's face but yours. And I come home and I take a nap because I miss you perhaps a little too much.
So when it's 3 am and I can't sleep you can certainly guess who just doesn't leave my mind. And so, I miss you against all odds and despite the gossips, I just plain and simple miss your body next to mine.
And the only reason your thought hasn't consumed me, the only reason I find all of this bearable is because perhaps you miss me too.

"When did you get so thin?" they say it like it's a revelation like the gods from heaven had sent down a message to convey to the whole world and that message was conveyed in a girl and the numbers on her bathroom scale.

Smiling thinly I have to replay "good diet, good exercise" even tough deep down I know the reality and they know it too but I lie because how can you explain that the thing that gives you life is the thing that's killing you?

The good diet? Apparently might as not, apparently celery and gum is not a healthy way to make your body function, apparently no meals is not, apparently diet coke is not, apparently ice is not a way to live your life, but who wants to live mine anyway?

It's hard to convey that every bite adds on a stone and every meal is equal to 10 kilos I have to run off, till I trow up, till my **** is toned up, till my senses turn off and my heart gives up, because when I look in the mirror the girl I see is not the girl in me, the girl I see isn't a girl at all, she has no  bones and no muscles, rather she has jelly around every bend of the body, every inch of it is filled with the word that becomes her, a word that she becomes.
Fat.  
She's fat, she's ugly she's fat, she's fat, she's ugly, she is fat, she's just not that fat, she's fat, her stomach pukes when she eats, fat, her thighs jiggle when she walks, fat, her arms and legs can barely function, fat, she's always dizzy and cold, fat, her face is pale and she is that word. Fat.

Although people try, although they try to tell her that she's not, to help her, to save her, to rescue a girl that does not need rescuing, this girl does not need saving rather this girl needs a knife, a knife to cut away all her worries, to tear her lungs and bumps on her body until she has nothing left, nothing at all because nothing is perfect,
zero is perfection, zero meals, zero carbs, zero calories, zero kilos, zero efforts, zero voices, zero people in her head screaming, zero messages in her head gleaming whenever she eats, the evil ones that she deals with, the ones who stop her eating, the ones that know that every mouthful she eats she is no longer beautiful, she becomes that word, fat,
what torture could be worse than that?

Selfish, she's selfish, I'm selfish for believing that a few spare pounds is the worst thing that can happen to me.

People are reminding me constantly that how the nightmares I feed are not the ones to fear because I could get hit by a car, I could get harassed or stabbed, I could get a disease that can stop me from breathing, I could get kicked on to the streets an of course, of course these things are worse and terrible and horrible and bleak but at least in these circumstances I wouldn't have to eat.

The truth is I'm a jealous little girl in a world that doesn't care, I'm jealous of the people I see who weight less than I will be, I'm jealous of the people who don't eat that people don't see, I'm jealous of the scale, I'm jealous of nothing, I'm jealous of bones and vomits and pills of prescription and water and air and nothing.

So, "when did you get so thin?" they say it like it's a revelation because how can they begin to see that the thing that gives me life is the thing that's killing me.