you are the warm land
and I,
a mere human being,
am laying here on your cool sand
while all sanity is fleeting.

i want to escape
i want to drink to future accomplishments
i want to love
i want to ***** up
i want to dance
i want to forget
i want to make the promise to love you forever
i want to make the perfect poem
so much pressure to make
the perfect poem.
instead of all these feelings
ill just talk about anything.
i live in the middle of
somewhere and nowhere and
life is crazy and terrible and good all at once.
and i do my best to exist just for you

i’d rather freeze over
by your grave on
icy rainy nights
than frolick in a placid world without you..



pretty little fears
music to my ears

and she just floated in the middle of the pool
with her clothes on,
her black Chucks and a
rolled up fatty in her right hand
and just looked at the distant stars
and wondered how much time
she had left




cuz ****..

its unusual
the earth said to the girl in a gentle voice through the breeze
unlike others that trek though my valleys
and wade past my streams..
your tears are sweet..
confused the girl looked up from the grass blades
wiped her cheeks with her sleeve
and wondered why that was so significant..

you're home now.. you don't have to run anymore.

and she looked past the hill as a tear went down her cheek
and it was true

she was home again

and her tears were sweet.

trembling
holding the desired tool
her hands were trembling
ice cold
looking almost inhuman
quaking like a knife was placed in her hands and
she had to either **** her love or
herself.

she did it to distract herself from the demons that were
scratching and ****** her from the inside just needing to come out some way.

so she was generous enough to make a vertical pathway for them to escape.

oh but i
adore you so much my love..

i feel lightheaded from all the hyperventilating..
i slept well that night i ain’t even gon’ lie
i had another sepia dream too..
mhm
but less of what you’re expecting

i dreamt of gravity keeping us around..
and nothing stopped us
and no one came in between..

explain to me truly beb..
what is this love..

even when wiping away tears,
I imagine you here without having to picture your face
just your scent
and it gives me a sense of comfort..

your scent is like a memory that will never fade
or be able to be wiped

away from my being.

It still lingers and
evokes a primal sensation through my spine y me vuelve loca.
The feel of your grasp at my hips and breath past my ear as you..
still haunt me
knowing that I still crave it after all this time.

Knowing that I’ll risk it over, even though I know I’ll fade away
into just a memory eventually..

dear brain,

thank you for
giving us another day of life
it hurts when you hurt us
we didn’t do anything to you
face is beautiful the way she is
when hands hold the device
and you compare us to edited girls
you fixate on every imperfection until you convince us we’re inadequate but
when eyes look in the mirror
we convince you
we’re enough with mouth’s affirmations
we feel whole again after
dicing parts of limbs
saying you are deserving of all that is pure and good but there are but’s
tender is the skin that
still holds pencils to write poetry
and we want to eat
it feels rewarding when palms are allowed to wrap around utensils to sustain us
refreshing when stomach is full and glands produce happy hormones
please love us the way we love you


                                   from,
                                           body

after all the bendito’s were said
i was then left in the solemn
chipped baby-blue painted room
that had a small painting hung up
alone
on a small string only with the support of a rusty nail.

hung up
the image had a small boat on a
vast blue sea which evoked a feeling of
an adventurous spirit and hopefulness in the
unknown..
which was soon fizzled out after remembering my surroundings..

i got up out the chair and grazed my small fingertips over the engraved designs of the wooden border..
i then delicately brushed the dusted canvas..

and i realized
that the tiny man on that boat will find his destination some day
however
i may not ever find my own.

Makes you want to tie the noose
And hang loose
like all the kids do
in a world full of blue
Even though you always hide
I really tried to be like you
and hold these feelings
  
inside.
It's a constant fight
I put up with it with all might.
Now it's time for my silent goodbye.

we used to have everything in common
now all we share is the refrigerator

ice cold baby
ice cold

she was lost
trying to find herself in
her friends...

bendíto
her parents saw her less and less
incluso para la iglesia.

in the distance you could hear the
coquis
crying of her fate.

it wasn’t on purpose.

you were sitting there on the hill
so peacefully.
the gentle breeze convincing me that i
needed to accompany you.
you were examining the small stack of papers that
you saved from your therapy sessions.
i walked over and you heard my steps, tried to be subtle but eh.
you had your nilla cookies and a snapple..
it was simple..
you eventually got a brownie and another snapple for us to share.

if you take a bite out of this brownie, we can consider this a date

and with no words
you took a bite.

after a long day of witnessing
sweet high school relationships
and fat teddy bears and chocolate roses
better go get myself some carnations
and let it sit in some water with black food coloring
and let the beauty unfold.

//

the longevity of our love is perpetual

that’s what it said on the card she
never received
at least..

she was so pretty
she sat by the edge of the pool
in her cherry-printed two-piece bathing suit
and sparkled toenails
and bitten nails
she looked familiar
with her grey goggles ****** tight on her
forehead
i peer at her and then at the pool
don’t be scared,
i always heard you feel like a fish once you start
you look like you’d be a natural
but that’s only if you give it a try..
i forced a smile back at her
breaking the gaze with the
mysterious deep blue
you don’t look like the type that would
voluntarily swim i said
and yet here i am
she wiggled her sparkly toes triumphantly
as if being by the pool was something to be praised
it’s bad enough i was her company
we both shouldn’t have been here
i fell for her then..
not her
but what we both wanted to reach at the bottom
and we held hands and jumped together
having nothing left to fear..

squeeze out my eyes
so i’ll no longer see
your repulsive presence.
torch my ears
so i may never hear you
approaching me with those
dark
     heavy
          steps.
cut out my tongue
so my gustatory senses won’t
be forced to taste you whole
whenever you
have your urges.

leave me for dead
for it is my
only means of
escape..

the moon looked a little pink
didn’t it..
i lowered the window as the breeze made it
hard to focus
but it was warm and marvelous
almost like a summer fling..

and i put my right headphone back in
while Daniel Caeser
sang me to sleep..

do you mind if i
trail my fingers along your collar
and slowly undo your bow tie
(being that it’ll take me a while).
i’ll attempt to be seductive being the nerd that i am
and you kinda just sigh
shake your head and roll your eyes
wondering why..
i bought the socks that are thigh-highs
that are irresistible to you
i don’t know why
but hey if it gets you going
i’ll give it a try.

it’s insane how people use their power sometimes
just to show how much they have..

we have our basic and humane rights
not asking for much but
then there are those who choose to be the judge
of our actual lives
holding it in their palms
like a toy
wondering if they’ll rip off the head or not just because

they can.

I love you


by saying that does it show
weakness
on my part?

when i was four
id stand there in awe
seeing a baby cloud almost floating
from the ceiling
and so id chase it
and swat it when it got in arms reach
so i’d ball up my hands in fists and
unfold to find nothing
but clammy palms and pen marks

every
time




i was never good at attaining things
that descend from the sky..

me and ‘buela finished
predicando
and we sat at the dining table
near the china
soaking up the silence
she made me use a coaster
for my apple juice carton
looked across the table as she
struggled to slurp her
ice cream of a McFlurry
while i desired to know more of her
what life was like as a
single mother
she’d snort and call me ‘estupida’
if i asked
in her bags i see
loud discontentment
a friend i’m not a stranger of
i hope to one day learn her story
before i read it on a
memorial program

my left heel itches
i wish you never texted me what you did
that one afternoon freshman year
when i was in the library
i looked at my tiny phone with clammy hands
my clear nails glistening
and i could almost taste the warm light streaming in from the window above the nonfiction shelf
feeding my face
i didn’t eat at all that day

i loved you
but i didn’t want you to say it..

whyd you say it

counting tiles and the time we have left
pt 1

when i don’t hear back from you i get worried
my heart gets hopped up on adrenaline
getting ready for all the crazy thoughts and
unformidable daymares to unfold in my mind
i brace myself for the unknown
my mind
that wild thing i never seem to be able to control




counting tiles and the time we have left
pt 2

i imagine you laying toy like on your glass dining room table
the sacred red syrup pouring out your jugular
staining the fabric table mats your mom got from a friend

it was a funny story




counting tiles and the time we have left
pt 3

i imagine
your mother coming home and the shrill shriek
that every weakling at a funeral breaks down to




counting tiles and the time we have left
pt 4

i imagine hearing about it
and taking my hair and cutting it all off

running until my lungs would collapse
making me cheeks sting from the tears that’d become frozen
escaping from my ducts
the same way you slipped through my grasp

with such ease
like
like..



counting tiles and the time we have left
pt 5

i imagine waking up that next morning
wishing you took me with you

my petite hands clasping the sheets above my head
trying to hide
from the inevitable

yes i’d never be the same.

holding my baby’s feet
i’d count the little toes
1,2..4..7,8..10
one day these feet’ll walk miles to find who she is
and possibly stumble across a potential lover..
smoothing my baby’s hair
i only hope she learns to appreciate herself quicker
than her mother did.
caressing her ears
i fear of the criticism of foolish school children
that will bring her down even on days where it seems like things can’t get any worse.
all swaddled, she’d giggle in her sleep and off she dozes..
i’d kiss her forehead and whisper

i promise i will try my best to raise you better than i was

Trato de guardar mi corazón cuando estoy contigo todos los días,
pero en vano,
me enamoro de ti una vez más sín esfuerzo



I attempt to guard my heart when I'm with you every day

but to no avail,

i fall for you once more effortlessly.

as I looked for my father
all around the campgrounds.
I realized I was only looking at the
dirt road and what was in front of me
(even though I was barefoot and trying to
step lightly on rigid rocks and pebbles).
I then looked up and
took a breath.
fresh air.
non-city air.
cigarette-less air.
I looked to the left and there it was
a breathtaking mountain
mostly inhabited by the greenery
of the area.
The sky was clear and it was as if
the clouds were following me at the
same pace.
Nature.
I feel that as a city girl,
I don't take advantage of my surroundings
as much as I should.
All the lights of the city.
The different people with their
assorted accents, dialects, and cultures.
Life is beautiful.
You just need to step back and
observe the good and
take advantage of it.

why must i look broken
for you to believe i am broken
there’s more that meets the eye
yet it’s more comfortable atop
the lash for most-
mental health is real
and how many lavender oil-infused
baths
scented candles
and Daniel Caesar songs will it take
until the self loathing ceases
the dark hooded voices to cease
it’s echoing in my mind
twisted
painted contorted for someone to love
the painting no one understands until one person tilts their head and squints at the canvas
for someone to embrace
and it must be me first.

we woke up super early
unzipped each of our tents in stealth mode
and tip-toe ran all the way up the hill
to brush our teeth y entonces
give each other a lil morning lovin’

we walked back down separately and started up a fire
not a metaphoric one in our hearts of course
but the story changes depending
on who’s asking..







come back osi

Lilah,


I remember when I was going through a really hard time last year, you were there constantly even when it felt like I wasn’t
and you didn’t mind.
You didn’t mind not understanding what was wrong but as long as you could console me to a certain extent, you were pleased.
You’d give me this face thinking that I’d crack a smile
and seeing that I wouldn’t budge, you’d put on the Lauryn Hill station on Pandora.
You’d paint these pictures that were messages that said,
“Don’t Leave Me! I Wuv U” and ”You Are My Everything, Dont Go”. I’d glance at them when you were in the process of adding more and more decorations in watercolor..
but I never let the thoughts behind it actually resonate in me.
I didn’t care about how my actions or thoughts could hurt or affect anybody,
I couldn’t eat or think straight but that’s what heartbreak does..hopefully you won’t find that out soon.
I thank you for that now though.
Supporting me with the little things that you do.

i’m in the dark,
and i’m terrified..
i try to close my eyes and not think about it
but my eyes keep opening..


i swear there’s monsters
coming out of my wall.

.
and it seems like the only time
we speak our deepest thoughts
fears and
wonders..
is when one of us knows the other won’t remember
the next day..

oooohh i just wanna squeeeze you
and give you a bunch of kisses and the
longest hug while you tell me about your weekend

i didnt have a bathing suit
and you didnt have a care..
the swallows chirped from above

we waded in the river
all over the
slimy algae-encased rocks
almost ensuring us stumbling every once in a while
breaking up the romantic moments.
we glided over the stones
with as much grace as newborn antelopes trying to balance their weight with gravity.
but it was alright
because i was with you and i didn’t care about anything else.

punkin,
i just got home and i let you know
then you sent me to bed to explain why tomorrow
which could be today
or a couple of days ago
or weeks ago
it depends when youre reading this.
anyways
as you know in the last poem i wrote was about
you
about
us.
when i told you about how i remember things by month
i didnt tell you this but
when i think of november
i think of how i asked you
what youd change about me.
see im trying to be the best person i can be
especially to feel worthy of you.
even though i asked you three times
you still wouldnt answer me.
the first time
you were confused.
the second time
you said you didnt want to tell me
the third time
you told me you wouldnt change a thing about me
which in essence would mean that without a piece of me
i wouldnt be i.
are you following or did i lose you?
why am i asking questions in a poem as if you could answer me?
gosh im really weird
anyways
though
when i think of february or march
i think of when you asked me this question yourself.
i was startled at first
i didnt want to answer you
i didnt know how
i didnt want to tell you how i truly felt.
i didnt want to tell you how perfect i think you are
i didnt want to tell you that i thought you were foolish for the question
i didnt want to tell you how i still admire you
when im mad at you
i didnt want to tell you how youve changed me
made me see another side
of myself.
you told me that my writings may not seem good to me
but to you.
you love them
and i may never see it
but you do..

i walk into the tightly packed condo
and the unwelcomed smell punches me in the face and one word pops up

perníl

oh and how could my olfactory senses be so ignorant
and try to blind the
cinnamon and lavender incense.
such a great mix.

i’m so tired of everything,
seeing the familiar faces and hearing from those that i haven’t seen in years
that it looks like i haven’t been eating as much.
i get a little cheek pinch and reassurance from mis tíos
that they’d gladly fight any guy that breaks my heart
and how they can’t wait for me to start driving so i can take my grandma places
my uncle’s new novía asks if my parents let me date
and then if i’m dating and how it’s just better if i’m single
because she doesn’t want to find out i’m living like a girl from Knickerbocker.
and then i get a poke from a passing príma
asking me how i dance and that when i was younger i always used to
walk around w ******* and my real thick afro
and then she’d exit but before she did
she’d blow the hookah vapor into my face and start up another convo.
while she leaves me coughing in a fog of
strawberry cheesecake flavored air.

it’s family though
you have to love them
no matter what they’re like..

yeah right.

the first hour
all i could do
was think about him.
i would think about
how cold it is outside
and i wonder what my dads doing right now
was it hot or just warm
i mean it is the middle of may
and
what happend to **** barbaras fiancee
whyd they part?
id think about when the wifi connection'll get up and running
because i want to post this on my page successfully

the second hour
all i could think about
was him again.
what was he doing now.
did he miss me?
its so rainy and windy outside the plane
what if there's tubulence and i never see him again..
id think about him
then his little brother
then his dad
then Edgar.
ugh when that word comes out
it has an automatic ****** connotation to it
Edgar
ugh i really ha-disliked that man.
whyd he dislike me so much?
he wont even look at me

the third hour
its seven from where im from
and where im going its
four o clock
how does time work like that?
who came up with that?
so is it that if youre on the eastern side of the country
and you had an argument
and you travel to the western side
was it as if it never happened?
of course not so then
why
why is everything so complicated?
thats a generic question for sure.

the fourth hour
gosh this aircraft is small
so miniscule compared to the world
isnt it so odd that some people seem so prideful and big while seen from outer space in a plane
the plane looks like a moving ant
a moving ant to us
and as kids
we'd slowly torture them under a
microscope
on those extra hot days.
oh the days

the fifth hour
isnt it terrible
to be torn between two people?
forced to make a decision
about whos better
or whos more this and that.
the only dilemmas that i have are
choosing between
nutella or whipped cream
if i was still nine.
things just get more complicated as time progresses inevitably.

the sixth hour
we'll be making our descent soon
well hasnt this been an interesting ride.
now i know to never ever sit with
riley on an airplane
ever.

calming
watching soap run off your body
with the steady stream of tiny water jets
caressing the shape of my side
dripping down hip dips and wet lips
in perfumed foam down the drain

the streams of tears from my cheerless eyes never dried..

"I'm a good girl that's only bad for you"


                                                          ­             "Well that's just tragic.."

i’m mellow and my
hair roars and
commands
it secretly envies
pin straight hair
but ella es orgullosa
she won’t say so
i scrunch and apply
leave-ins
and butters
and serums
and locking gels
wash day is a great day
but she needs so much
every curly spring needs tending to
wash day
where i scrub my scalp and
am never surprised when i find
stray bobby pins
falling to the base of the tub..

can't assimilate myself
into reality
mixing and floating
making friends with these
emotional beings we call companions.
it's beautiful
succinct and scary all at once,
being allowed to exist past every sunrise,
the ability to recreate our existing into living
let me fade like gold-plated silver
while I smile as the earth beneath me curdles and becomes
hollow
like the humans that inhabit it

She left him
desolate
after countless months
left him with depression and
an aching heart
The real issue is that
he still loves her
after she moved on
he didnt
He has to suffer while
shes thriving
Hes stuck with the
emotional pain for her
his longing
for her
love ends too quickly
while heartbreak
lasts too long

he initially lost his mind
when the apple blossoms started to come back from a long absence..
wishing that when he picked up his hand and stroked the bark of the tree
he wasn’t smelling rotting insides of old war pals
..never getting to hold their mothers petite hands again..
yet the apple blossoms

so clean
like home
home
where he thought that once he signed into the draft
fighting for his country would be a
beautiful thing

but in reality
both sides get hurt..





you will never be free

i make sure to kiss my mother
every night
every morning and
twice more in between..
just so she could know it wasn’t her
fault that i
passed.

i never take advantage
of being able to
peer into your welcoming eyes because
it reminds me that in the midst
of dark
there is always light
and i feel your heavy heart
but tender hand tighten in mine
dreams and reality
we blur the lines
in actuality
yet everyone confuses
love with lust
but it's clear to see
the way you stimulate my mind
effortlessly
you were meant for
me
and there's no place we'd rather be