it’s insane how people use their power sometimes
just to show how much they have..

we have our basic and humane rights
not asking for much but
then there are those who choose to be the judge
of our actual lives
holding it in their palms
like a toy
wondering if they’ll rip off the head or not just because

they can.

i’d rather freeze over
by your grave on
icy rainy nights
than frolick in a placid world without you..



pretty little fears
music to my ears

6,000 islands in greece
17,508 islands in indonesia
200 islands in the maldives
yet you choose to inhabit yourself in
the chaotic paradise of
my mind

why..

you are the warm land
and I,
a mere human being,
am laying here on your cool sand
while all sanity is fleeting.

we used to have everything in common
now all we share is the refrigerator

ice cold baby
ice cold

trembling
holding the desired tool
her hands were trembling
ice cold
looking almost inhuman
quaking like a knife was placed in her hands and
she had to either **** her love or
herself.

she did it to distract herself from the demons that were
scratching and ****** her from the inside just needing to come out some way.

so she was generous enough to make a vertical pathway for them to escape.

you treasured me
thanked me for my presence
it seemed as if you loved me for an instant
that little instant
that noxious side eye and smirk
that ray of light in a tree riddened forest
that first flower of spring opening up
bees salivating from a distance
i was so grateful to have met you

but you’re no longer my peace
and i continue to rekindle my love
with a version of you

just to have that again..
i don’t know what i’d do..

the moon looked a little pink
didn’t it..
i lowered the window as the breeze made it
hard to focus
but it was warm and marvelous
almost like a summer fling..

and i put my right headphone back in
while Daniel Caeser
sang me to sleep..

tender childhood piraguas
pinchos
borinquen place
bbqs on the sidewalk
ice from the dollar store
gleaming on our necks till the
skin glows green
knee scrapes
Vicks to solve all
problems thoobies and
missing bobby pins under
rugs a neighborhood i’ve never-
yet always known, a glimpse of it and
it takes me back the cousin
always spiking my
Malta the **** that never
leaves the kitchen the smaller
cousins that lived in the park around
the block
the older cousin
that was always on
the phone with a different
boy, and kept a blanket over
the body mirror and refused to
explain why, we’d get a
shipment from our
family de la isla
mangoes
aguacates and
quenepas fly out
the box while everyone
calls dibs and i’m home.

she was lost
trying to find herself in
her friends...

bendíto
her parents saw her less and less
incluso para la iglesia.

in the distance you could hear the
coquis
crying of her fate.

after a long day of witnessing
sweet high school relationships
and fat teddy bears and chocolate roses
better go get myself some carnations
and let it sit in some water with black food coloring
and let the beauty unfold.

//

the longevity of our love is perpetual

that’s what it said on the card she
never received
at least..

my left heel itches
i wish you never texted me what you did
that one afternoon freshman year
when i was in the library
i looked at my tiny phone with clammy hands
my clear nails glistening
and i could almost taste the warm light streaming in from the window above the nonfiction shelf
feeding my face
i didn’t eat at all that day

i loved you
but i didn’t want you to say it..

whyd you say it

we woke up super early
unzipped each of our tents in stealth mode
and tip-toe ran all the way up the hill
to brush our teeth y entonces
give each other a lil morning lovin’

we walked back down separately and started up a fire
not a metaphoric one in our hearts of course
but the story changes depending
on who’s asking..







come back osi

Makes you want to tie the noose
And hang loose
like all the kids do
in a world full of blue
Even though you always hide
I really tried to be like you
and hold these feelings
  
inside.
It's a constant fight
I put up with it with all might.
Now it's time for my silent goodbye.

i blow the dust off my culinary treat
and they tower over me and spit on what i’ve presented
ungrateful, spiteful, unhappy
i distribute my truth and it sits sour
in the stomachs of those i care for
i look at their faces in hopes to be understood
they find it revolting every time
despite me adding sweetener to my words
flipped onto me as though i’m the problem
i go back to my abode to sugar coat these words
i utter once again to be received more palatable by ears that need tickling

i wrap my childhood needs in soft pink satin cloth covered so they don’t
hurt again for a while in a gift box with a bow to be stored on the highest shelf in the closet of my mind
i hold the box

maybe this time it’s different

it wasn’t on purpose.

you were sitting there on the hill
so peacefully.
the gentle breeze convincing me that i
needed to accompany you.
you were examining the small stack of papers that
you saved from your therapy sessions.
i walked over and you heard my steps, tried to be subtle but eh.
you had your nilla cookies and a snapple..
it was simple..
you eventually got a brownie and another snapple for us to share.

if you take a bite out of this brownie, we can consider this a date

and with no words
you took a bite.

squeeze out my eyes
so i’ll no longer see
your repulsive presence.
torch my ears
so i may never hear you
approaching me with those
dark
     heavy
          steps.
cut out my tongue
so my gustatory senses won’t
be forced to taste you whole
whenever you
have your urges.

leave me for dead
for it is my
only means of
escape..

oh but i
adore you so much my love..

i feel lightheaded from all the hyperventilating..
i slept well that night i ain’t even gon’ lie
i had another sepia dream too..
mhm
but less of what you’re expecting

i dreamt of gravity keeping us around..
and nothing stopped us
and no one came in between..

explain to me truly beb..
what is this love..

"I'm a good girl that's only bad for you"


                                                          ­             "Well that's just tragic.."

Trato de guardar mi corazón cuando estoy contigo todos los días,
pero en vano,
me enamoro de ti una vez más sín esfuerzo



I attempt to guard my heart when I'm with you every day

but to no avail,

i fall for you once more effortlessly.

i’m in the dark,
and i’m terrified..
i try to close my eyes and not think about it
but my eyes keep opening..


i swear there’s monsters
coming out of my wall.

counting tiles and the time we have left
pt 1

when i don’t hear back from you i get worried
my heart gets hopped up on adrenaline
getting ready for all the crazy thoughts and
unformidable daymares to unfold in my mind
i brace myself for the unknown
my mind
that wild thing i never seem to be able to control




counting tiles and the time we have left
pt 2

i imagine you laying toy like on your glass dining room table
the sacred red syrup pouring out your jugular
staining the fabric table mats your mom got from a friend

it was a funny story




counting tiles and the time we have left
pt 3

i imagine
your mother coming home and the shrill shriek
that every weakling at a funeral breaks down to




counting tiles and the time we have left
pt 4

i imagine hearing about it
and taking my hair and cutting it all off

running until my lungs would collapse
making me cheeks sting from the tears that’d become frozen
escaping from my ducts
the same way you slipped through my grasp

with such ease
like
like..



counting tiles and the time we have left
pt 5

i imagine waking up that next morning
wishing you took me with you

my petite hands clasping the sheets above my head
trying to hide
from the inevitable

yes i’d never be the same.

holding my baby’s feet
i’d count the little toes
1,2..4..7,8..10
one day these feet’ll walk miles to find who she is
and possibly stumble across a potential lover..
smoothing my baby’s hair
i only hope she learns to appreciate herself quicker
than her mother did.
caressing her ears
i fear of the criticism of foolish school children
that will bring her down even on days where it seems like things can’t get any worse.
all swaddled, she’d giggle in her sleep and off she dozes..
i’d kiss her forehead and whisper

i promise i will try my best to raise you better than i was

she was so pretty
she sat by the edge of the pool
in her cherry-printed two-piece bathing suit
and sparkled toenails
and bitten nails
she looked familiar
with her grey goggles ****** tight on her
forehead
i peer at her and then at the pool
don’t be scared,
i always heard you feel like a fish once you start
you look like you’d be a natural
but that’s only if you give it a try..
i forced a smile back at her
breaking the gaze with the
mysterious deep blue
you don’t look like the type that would
voluntarily swim i said
and yet here i am
she wiggled her sparkly toes triumphantly
as if being by the pool was something to be praised
it’s bad enough i was her company
we both shouldn’t have been here
i fell for her then..
not her
but what we both wanted to reach at the bottom
and we held hands and jumped together
having nothing left to fear..

She left him
desolate
after countless months
left him with depression and
an aching heart
The real issue is that
he still loves her
after she moved on
he didnt
He has to suffer while
shes thriving
Hes stuck with the
emotional pain for her
his longing
for her
love ends too quickly
while heartbreak
lasts too long

punkin,
i just got home and i let you know
then you sent me to bed to explain why tomorrow
which could be today
or a couple of days ago
or weeks ago
it depends when youre reading this.
anyways
as you know in the last poem i wrote was about
you
about
us.
when i told you about how i remember things by month
i didnt tell you this but
when i think of november
i think of how i asked you
what youd change about me.
see im trying to be the best person i can be
especially to feel worthy of you.
even though i asked you three times
you still wouldnt answer me.
the first time
you were confused.
the second time
you said you didnt want to tell me
the third time
you told me you wouldnt change a thing about me
which in essence would mean that without a piece of me
i wouldnt be i.
are you following or did i lose you?
why am i asking questions in a poem as if you could answer me?
gosh im really weird
anyways
though
when i think of february or march
i think of when you asked me this question yourself.
i was startled at first
i didnt want to answer you
i didnt know how
i didnt want to tell you how i truly felt.
i didnt want to tell you how perfect i think you are
i didnt want to tell you that i thought you were foolish for the question
i didnt want to tell you how i still admire you
when im mad at you
i didnt want to tell you how youve changed me
made me see another side
of myself.
you told me that my writings may not seem good to me
but to you.
you love them
and i may never see it
but you do..

.
and it seems like the only time
we speak our deepest thoughts
fears and
wonders..
is when one of us knows the other won’t remember
the next day..

oooohh i just wanna squeeeze you
and give you a bunch of kisses and the
longest hug while you tell me about your weekend

do you mind if i
trail my fingers along your collar
and slowly undo your bow tie
(being that it’ll take me a while).
i’ll attempt to be seductive being the nerd that i am
and you kinda just sigh
shake your head and roll your eyes
wondering why..
i bought the socks that are thigh-highs
that are irresistible to you
i don’t know why
but hey if it gets you going
i’ll give it a try.

Lilah,


I remember when I was going through a really hard time last year, you were there constantly even when it felt like I wasn’t
and you didn’t mind.
You didn’t mind not understanding what was wrong but as long as you could console me to a certain extent, you were pleased.
You’d give me this face thinking that I’d crack a smile
and seeing that I wouldn’t budge, you’d put on the Lauryn Hill station on Pandora.
You’d paint these pictures that were messages that said,
“Don’t Leave Me! I Wuv U” and ”You Are My Everything, Dont Go”. I’d glance at them when you were in the process of adding more and more decorations in watercolor..
but I never let the thoughts behind it actually resonate in me.
I didn’t care about how my actions or thoughts could hurt or affect anybody,
I couldn’t eat or think straight but that’s what heartbreak does..hopefully you won’t find that out soon.
I thank you for that now though.
Supporting me with the little things that you do.

i miss the best friend
i never had..

he was such a good listener.

i walk into the tightly packed condo
and the unwelcomed smell punches me in the face and one word pops up

perníl

oh and how could my olfactory senses be so ignorant
and try to blind the
cinnamon and lavender incense.
such a great mix.

i’m so tired of everything,
seeing the familiar faces and hearing from those that i haven’t seen in years
that it looks like i haven’t been eating as much.
i get a little cheek pinch and reassurance from mis tíos
that they’d gladly fight any guy that breaks my heart
and how they can’t wait for me to start driving so i can take my grandma places
my uncle’s new novía asks if my parents let me date
and then if i’m dating and how it’s just better if i’m single
because she doesn’t want to find out i’m living like a girl from Knickerbocker.
and then i get a poke from a passing príma
asking me how i dance and that when i was younger i always used to
walk around w ******* and my real thick afro
and then she’d exit but before she did
she’d blow the hookah vapor into my face and start up another convo.
while she leaves me coughing in a fog of
strawberry cheesecake flavored air.

it’s family though
you have to love them
no matter what they’re like..

yeah right.

if only youd notice me again. what i did was wrong but when i steal glances of you in the silence, old memories of the word 'us' would start to flood in. and i miss it..so so much. usually im happy with my emotional state but when i see you.. i start to regret all that led up to now. i wish things didnt have to play out the way they did. im so sorry they did. something had to happen it was either him or.. you. and i chose him. thinking about all the bad that we went through. letting it shadow over all of our good times together. i miss the way youd laugh and then once your laughter would start to die out like the flames that you once started in my heart, youd simply smile and look at me and id feel like you could really see through..as if for one more second you could really make me never see another again. so many- so many feelings and i dont have words to narrow it down. i guess you could just say im rambling now. i guess im not making any sense now..sorry..again.

why must i look broken
for you to believe i am broken
there’s more that meets the eye
yet it’s more comfortable atop
the lash for most-
mental health is real
and how many lavender oil-infused
baths
scented candles
and Daniel Caesar songs will it take
until the self loathing ceases
the dark hooded voices to cease
it’s echoing in my mind
twisted
painted contorted for someone to love
the painting no one understands until one person tilts their head and squints at the canvas
for someone to embrace
and it must be me first.

as I looked for my father
all around the campgrounds.
I realized I was only looking at the
dirt road and what was in front of me
(even though I was barefoot and trying to
step lightly on rigid rocks and pebbles).
I then looked up and
took a breath.
fresh air.
non-city air.
cigarette-less air.
I looked to the left and there it was
a breathtaking mountain
mostly inhabited by the greenery
of the area.
The sky was clear and it was as if
the clouds were following me at the
same pace.
Nature.
I feel that as a city girl,
I don't take advantage of my surroundings
as much as I should.
All the lights of the city.
The different people with their
assorted accents, dialects, and cultures.
Life is beautiful.
You just need to step back and
observe the good and
take advantage of it.

Venga told me to meet her by the rock
of peace
the rock in which we can reside
it's cool there
                            shhhh
it's cool there
thick mist surrounds us and we don’t speak
just see each other on opposite sides
deep dark waters surround us but we
keep our eyes closed so we won’t
see each others' tears absorb on our blouses
we avoid vulnerability because the feeling is so raw
pain entering in an unwarranted fashion
wading about within us breaking down what was built up
with great effort trying to push out that agonizing discomfort
with incense, scriptures, and poems
Oh my!
and the pain never leaves
just eats away at our rock
begging for it to stay intact
praying for it to not erode
forcing us to progressively
crouch then squat
stand then tippy-toe
and we gracefully anchor to the ocean floor.

i didnt have a bathing suit
and you didnt have a care..
the swallows chirped from above

we waded in the river
all over the
slimy algae-encased rocks
almost ensuring us stumbling every once in a while
breaking up the romantic moments.
we glided over the stones
with as much grace as newborn antelopes trying to balance their weight with gravity.
but it was alright
because i was with you and i didn’t care about anything else.

he initially lost his mind
when the apple blossoms started to come back from a long absence..
wishing that when he picked up his hand and stroked the bark of the tree
he wasn’t smelling rotting insides of old war pals
..never getting to hold their mothers petite hands again..
yet the apple blossoms

so clean
like home
home
where he thought that once he signed into the draft
fighting for his country would be a
beautiful thing

but in reality
both sides get hurt..





you will never be free

I've been writing so much recently
yet

I still feel

hollow..

oh how i long for his envious
touch
he always knew what he wanted..
took charge and was unapologetic..
he believed in etiquette
so he always needed me to say
please and
thank you..
he took posture very seriously so he always
had me arch my back to get a better angle
at his beloved but not for too long..
so thoughtful..
truly he was..

I couldnt fall asleep three days ago
so i layed down with the jacket that you gave me
at the anniversary party we both went to
where i got
"cold".
I missed you okay?
There
you have it.
i missed you
and i started giving
the collar of the jacket
kisses.
weird
i know but i had to.
I fell asleep eventually
knowing you were doing fine.

the streams of tears from my cheerless eyes never dried..

when i was four
id stand there in awe
seeing a baby cloud almost floating
from the ceiling
and so id chase it
and swat it when it got in arms reach
so i’d ball up my hands in fists and
unfold to find nothing
but clammy palms and pen marks

every
time




i was never good at attaining things
that descend from the sky..

i dig my nails under rocks to
hide away my time capsule
soon to dig it up again like an issue with a significant other that you choose to postpone until the worst time.
i put in a ring
a letter
and a picture of me.

i put it in a small cardboard box
right next to the eggshell my mom planted so
all that would be left is
the ring as time goes on
hopefully.