ugh
its her again
the girl who walks with her head down whenever
she passes by
the girl that lets her wild and curly brown hair hang in front of her face
in her book with a fast going pen that if she were to lift her writing tool the lead would be sizzling.
she had a terrible face
a b.r.f if you will.
she always looked like she never had anything nice to say.
i wonder if she wished she was different
if she secretly loathed it.
(she did)
if she wished she could show how
happy she
possibly was.
(she did)
god if only i can see through her.
'lighten up'
theyd tell her with a little pat on the shoulder and a half smile
im trying..
shed reply in a low voice looking back into her book
i want to get rid of this side of me.
its hated by everyone i meet and i dont want to be judged by his side of me anymore..
if only i was shown how

calming
watching soap run off your body
with the steady stream of tiny water jets
caressing the shape of my side
dripping down hip dips and wet lips
in perfumed foam down the drain

nose drip like leaky projects faucet
i speak in poet because you never
liked my writings
the mouth
lips
tongue smacks on gum making sound-
articulating words
speaking abundantly from the heart
for better or worse.
eye ducts and nose lining share the same
mucus membranes and
they drool as i feverishly pen this
my mouth
speaking what i see
withholding all of which i refuse to
my lips feel the way
you withhold truth beneath the tissue layers
drawn doll-like cheeks
a close to perfect wolf
enough to deceive the lambs not knowing
of their awaited devouring in a mere
2.5 seconds.

and he called her that night
needing her consolation
and she avidly listened to him
all the sniffles
every shake in his voice
his trauma,
loud enough to startle the dogs,
was evident..

and as the night went on she continued to try her best
to distract him and it worked

and off to sleep he went
leaving her with sniffles and shakes in her voice
low enough for some to here

and she stroked his head through her headphones
and tried to push away the thought of
you being someone else’s
someday ..

now that my tears have subsided and
anger has swirled down the drown the drain during my
hot shower,
i can say that
i miss you.

not in the way that i usually do.

kindve like i feel your presence here but you seem distant.
like how we were both in a room and you were just on your phone
leaving me in an awkward position.

are we still the same kids who had long calls from the night to the morning-
going to sleep and waking up together?
are we still the same kids that brag to our friends about each other?
are we still the same kids and if not-
is that wrong?

L ike servitude to the patriarchal figure- but
not cuz he deserves it

O verlooking his faults because there’s so much more to him than his temper

V ain, he won’t love me the same if i look too ethnic

E scape ? There is none..


i’m kidding..trust me..i like it here

i make sure to kiss my mother
every night
every morning and
twice more in between..
just so she could know it wasn’t her
fault that i
passed.

with a little tainted rain
you changed your form like
an old sacred statue and
i can’t make out your beautiful features.
or what i thought was.

maybe you were just
meant to be rained on.

maybe those conditions were what
you needed to show your
true self.

so succulent his tender love is..
“May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth,
For your expressions of affection are better than wine.”
intoxicating

making me melt to my knees
every time you hold me..

she said
i wish there was two of you
i told her to cross her eyes.

she walked around like that
the whole day

i thought giving you the world
was enough
till i looked into your eyes
and saw you were the
              sun.
i felt lost in space without you
reaching for stars
without a spacesuit,
falling hard like a
meteor.
i felt like a tiger underwater,
a shark in the desert,
i knew i wasn’t capable of being what you wanted
but you still chose me..
i never thought my heart would beat for a stranger,
i never thought i’d see the light
through the dark tunnel,
i never thought color existed through black and white.
without you is like a snail without its shell
a snake without his venom
i feel alone but
when i’m with you
you bring sun to my night
your touch makes a cold room feel
warm and your kiss makes
the angels sing

i cried on the bus
yes i am ashamed
you left me exposed like
a half eaten apple
oxidizing
wasting away
desire to finish me depleting exponentially
you took a bite out of me
tore my flesh with the
obnoxious crunch but scar tissue is bound to develop
you savored me in that bite
lapped up my sweet juice and left me
because there’s vermin that’ll finish me off

at least i was noticed for an instant

im the flower on the other side of the garden
the one that your neighbor forgets to trim and so weeds grow around me and
soon’ll choke me out of existence
all you do is feel sorry for me from your side

never mentioning my name..

my true love
my father
was a stressfree
person growing up
I saw the look on his
face change
we were both getting
older
and he sensed that
As I got older and started
to fit into
new clothes
He started to attract
worry lines
I never saw him like this
never
and i didnt like it either
As i got older i got more
wiser and
my meta-cognative awareness
was peaking (or so I thought at the time).
People started to notice me
while he still remains worrying
worrying that ill change
and wont be
daddys little girl
anymore

and she
cried
and cried
and cried and cried
until her eyes
rolled
back.

that look that you
give me with those
soft and welcoming brown eyes.
Dark like pine.
Looking into them
yet being afraid that I'll
fall in too deep and the
only thing that could save me
would be
me.
how can I save my helpless self
when you make me so
vulnerable.
Feel as if you were an open book
my open book.
Every time you look into my eyes
It's almost
                  invasive.
Stealing a little piece of me
every time.
To then eventually
leaving nothing left
of me remaining but my
lovely bones ..

in my dream
i heard you
telling me a joke

i woke up at 12:33 in the morning
giggling and reminiscing

of how many others have missed out
on my prized possession

the first hour
all i could do
was think about him.
i would think about
how cold it is outside
and i wonder what my dads doing right now
was it hot or just warm
i mean it is the middle of may
and
what happend to **** barbaras fiancee
whyd they part?
id think about when the wifi connection'll get up and running
because i want to post this on my page successfully

the second hour
all i could think about
was him again.
what was he doing now.
did he miss me?
its so rainy and windy outside the plane
what if there's tubulence and i never see him again..
id think about him
then his little brother
then his dad
then Edgar.
ugh when that word comes out
it has an automatic ****** connotation to it
Edgar
ugh i really ha-disliked that man.
whyd he dislike me so much?
he wont even look at me

the third hour
its seven from where im from
and where im going its
four o clock
how does time work like that?
who came up with that?
so is it that if youre on the eastern side of the country
and you had an argument
and you travel to the western side
was it as if it never happened?
of course not so then
why
why is everything so complicated?
thats a generic question for sure.

the fourth hour
gosh this aircraft is small
so miniscule compared to the world
isnt it so odd that some people seem so prideful and big while seen from outer space in a plane
the plane looks like a moving ant
a moving ant to us
and as kids
we'd slowly torture them under a
microscope
on those extra hot days.
oh the days

the fifth hour
isnt it terrible
to be torn between two people?
forced to make a decision
about whos better
or whos more this and that.
the only dilemmas that i have are
choosing between
nutella or whipped cream
if i was still nine.
things just get more complicated as time progresses inevitably.

the sixth hour
we'll be making our descent soon
well hasnt this been an interesting ride.
now i know to never ever sit with
riley on an airplane
ever.

when my eyes are
watery
that’s when i see the
clearest..









.

when im alone
and i have nothing to
direct my attention to
i wish i had my fill
of the things that are known to **** you.

its been a little while
that ive been clean of it

but i need it.

i get itchy
and twitchy
and thirsty
without it
my throat feels like its on fire
and the only thing that could cool my case
was another fill.

without it
i’d have these extrodinary headaches, real irritable
and i’d feel like i saw the room slowly crumbling down
and the floor would spin from beneath me
which it never did.

once i had another fill
it was as if it made my stomach full again
it felt like a three course meal
in one small compact dose.
so
so
tasty
yet terrible.
its tearing my family apart
and i know this but when my mind starts
thinking about moments like those.
where i felt really infinite.
i start to crave
for another fill.
another fill
just
one  
more
wont hurt.
at least for today..

i’m feeling more lonely
every time i see you
it’s like the butterflies start flying around
too fast and start crashing into each other
and then they morph
back into ugly fuzzy caterpillars
all weighing down in my
stomach

this isn’t right

Confusion
feelings and thoughts
jumbled together
secrets kept
drama spread
wallflowers noticing
geeks studying
normal
no such thing
Everyone's trying to
fit in
but then you think
'Are they the ones for me'
like shoe shopping
some too dull
some you'd never want
to be seen in public with
some too perky
and rarely you come across
ones
you truly
fall in love with

never
entertain

slutty

women.
or

never eat spider webs
can work too..

Only you
had the power to
stop me
but you
never

did.

i’m mellow and my
hair roars and
commands
it secretly envies
pin straight hair
but ella es orgullosa
she won’t say so
i scrunch and apply
leave-ins
and butters
and serums
and locking gels
wash day is a great day
but she needs so much
every curly spring needs tending to
wash day
where i scrub my scalp and
am never surprised when i find
stray bobby pins
falling to the base of the tub..

it’s like the scenery blurs itself out
when i see you
i underestimated your worth as i got
to know you
the crowds noise deafens
and beauty illuminates a room

i never knew you never had things figured out at this point as you thought you would
and it’s okay,
it’s more interesting-
the journey than the destination

bustling with life
and missteps to the electric slide in the center
food growing cold in trays kept on the folding tables on the side
bodies of people arising as bachata begins
and people disbanding because of their inability to sway their hips accordingly
i smirk as i pass the mirror in the stuffy catering hall

was she ever even mine..

i seek contentment in the birds and bees
for i love the warm land..

but i dream of remaining in the sea
never being saved by a caring hand

let me love you down in
lavender sheets..

she saw me and took me into her shrine
I worshiped her
with your smell on these petite hands of mine.
Saw me as the innocent kind
so things went fine
and we kinda just spoke our minds
talking about our demons dying in the nighttime.
when she'd give me an endearing look i felt the
shock in my spine.
it was eased with the aged red wine for most of the time.

then she said we'd only fall in love when the stars aligned.

so we hugged and
departed and with dismay
i wrote these lines to then read another day.

then the laughter would subside and
our chests, more like your chest and my head would touch.
then our knees, more like your knees and my thighs would touch.
and it’s like the atmosphere got warmer
just for us two.

knowing that as odd as it sounds,
the love that we have,
or at least feels genuine,
is so real.
so i plead for you
to not leave.


but by accident
i closed my eyes for too long
i opened them quickly but too late.
i’m back here now.
in a ball.
laying on my parents bed
trying to continue that daydream but still incapable..

let our love be sustainable..

I watch outside the car
as I pretend that all the raindrops that scatter
across the windshield collect and streak down the window
are racing.

And only he is on my mind.
All of our memories and moments collecting at the bottom..
My mind fleeting of such temporary happiness.

Separation sometimes helps people learn to miss others.
And I swear I've learned my lesson..
I just need him to come
back..
Amy Winehouse is breaking the silence in the car
and as she got me thinking
since I'm just so needy for him..
will he still love me
tomorrow..

time heals they say

but likeee..


my clock just broke and
it just so happensss it’s gonna take
a while to fix it.

Then I’ll be able to keep on going as if
nothing happened.

anxiety hit
the shakes followed
and the snow was hitting the house outside
surreal almost
sounding like pop rocks
in a moist throat.

oh she wanted to be held by
the strong hands of inner peace
she layed in bed and
prayed for forever as well
as now.

this is what i want
do not dissuade me, warm land
i’m writing on one of your trees in large font
all should go according to plan..

it was an orangey-red kinda scheme in the sky
that evening
that evening that
“changed our lives for the better”
which was subjective.

you told me you didn’t cheat
but you found somebody else
that needed love and care
and more perspective in life,
one that shouldn’t be tied down..

needed to get out there and discover..

and it was you.






you found yourself and you lost me

Today
I was thinkin'
bout all the girls
and boys
that turned 'to
girlfriends and boyfriends
straight outta their
playpens bein'
frightened by their
fears of aliens and boogiemen
Today
I was ponderin'
bout that girl I saw
wanderin' and
squanderin' her life
away on him
Today i was thinking
about the ones who spend there months
chasing the moon and like floatin'
Today
I got to wonderin' 'bout
the children who were
outspoken
listened
and paid attention
to the instruction
they were given
as young ones
and grew up to be
doctors, physicians,
and firemen

want you to hold me as
tight as you hold on to a lie

clinging to it with coveted life
yearn for me
hold my thighs over your
shoulders like an emotional burden
ravage yourself through me
while you quench your thirst
for forbidden honeydew
while i continue to regret meeting
you.

my pale palms were up
catching the scorching tears that
snuck out of its ducts
with my head faced down
impressionable and ill-hearted..
for it seemed like i
had no choice earlier but to


run and look for answers




-what have i done

she didn’t go after him
because he was easy to apprehend

it was no challenge

and that’s just no fun..

Tonight
Im having trouble
sleeping again.
So I am writing.
You seem not to care
and forgotten about your
****** jacket and so it stays
across my room.
folded.
in the closet.
inside of my bin of clothes
Im gettin rid of which is also next to the
bin of clothes
that surely dont fit
anymore

Why is it that
the Sun is larger than the planets
but from where we are,
it looks so small?

or why does it look like I
only notice the clouds follow me
when I’m on the road
missing you..

but the thing is
we’re so insignificant.
The Milky Way we’re in is huge
but the universe is even greater
my head is exploding with fragments
of bone and grey matter.

yes
spanish mothers will always love their sons
not knowing the havoc they wreak
toward freshmen girls senses
harassing them
holding them
making them feel like
maybe it’s
supposed to feel like this..
supposed to be this way..

spanish mothers
will have a poté of arroz ready all the time for her growing boy
with a cold Malta w crushed ice at the ready.
spanish mothers
don’t believe the teachers at the conferences
about the talking and the disruptions in the class
mi niño nunca habla durante de la clase
she’s sure of it.
the teachers baffled thinking that if they told a parent
things would change.

nowhere to turn.
their sons won’t be stopped.







dun dun duuuuuuun

if you’re not my partner in crime
how can i continue to fight
this illusion called life

and it’s concept of time
only trying to do what’s right
in a world
stricken with strife.

When I was thirteen and I was playing blind chicken with my 2 siblings- let me paint the scene: Ten year old Noah was chasing eight year old Lilah in hot pursuit with a blindfold- I know it sounds terrible already but it gets worse- He then of of course knocked down the hutch in my room and thousands of dollars shattered on my floor in the form of porcelain. I remember my mother cried that night. Then came the screaming. It was a combination of delirium, disbelief, and her just being plain irate. After all of it, I went to her and asked her why she got so mad it was just some "glass dolls" and then she said I could've used it to pay off college loans easier in the future by selling them rather struggle like she was doing.

i shouldn’t have to look at old photos to
remember the bond we shared
and tape up fallen parts in this broken down love

spray painting the dirt green
cuz it’s easier on the eyes

******* in my stomach for the picture because altered me is the best me

treading everyday with a painted smile because that’s what a real lady does

im melancholic
best friend of two years moved away
without a word.
got cut off by those who'd **** for me

right?
cuz why not.
we're just in the mood to break hearts
and make them cry to their mothers and
make them binge netflix and
read a whole lotta novels not settling for one
because why be sensical when
you have
heartbreakers who can relieve you of
that job.

the birds were perched up
congregating
atop of the Rite Aide awning
they fly in twos descending toward
the local pizza shop
with the faded awning
tearing at the seams

trying to make sense of it all..