i never take advantage
of being able to
peer into your welcoming eyes because
it reminds me that in the midst
of dark
there is always light
and i feel your heavy heart
but tender hand tighten in mine
dreams and reality
we blur the lines
in actuality
yet everyone confuses
love with lust
but it's clear to see
the way you stimulate my mind
effortlessly
you were meant for
me
and there's no place we'd rather be

oh how i long for his envious
touch
he always knew what he wanted..
took charge and was unapologetic..
he believed in etiquette
so he always needed me to say
please and
thank you..
he took posture very seriously so he always
had me arch my back to get a better angle
at his beloved but not for too long..
so thoughtful..
truly he was..

i dig my nails under rocks to
hide away my time capsule
soon to dig it up again like an issue with a significant other that you choose to postpone until the worst time.
i put in a ring
a letter
and a picture of me.

i put it in a small cardboard box
right next to the eggshell my mom planted so
all that would be left is
the ring as time goes on
hopefully.

if only youd notice me again. what i did was wrong but when i steal glances of you in the silence, old memories of the word 'us' would start to flood in. and i miss it..so so much. usually im happy with my emotional state but when i see you.. i start to regret all that led up to now. i wish things didnt have to play out the way they did. im so sorry they did. something had to happen it was either him or.. you. and i chose him. thinking about all the bad that we went through. letting it shadow over all of our good times together. i miss the way youd laugh and then once your laughter would start to die out like the flames that you once started in my heart, youd simply smile and look at me and id feel like you could really see through..as if for one more second you could really make me never see another again. so many- so many feelings and i dont have words to narrow it down. i guess you could just say im rambling now. i guess im not making any sense now..sorry..again.

nose drip like leaky projects faucet
i speak in poet because you never
liked my writings
the mouth
lips
tongue smacks on gum making sound-
articulating words
speaking abundantly from the heart
for better or worse.
eye ducts and nose lining share the same
mucus membranes and
they drool as i feverishly pen this
my mouth
speaking what i see
withholding all of which i refuse to
my lips feel the way
you withhold truth beneath the tissue layers
drawn doll-like cheeks
a close to perfect wolf
enough to deceive the lambs not knowing
of their awaited devouring in a mere
2.5 seconds.

that look that you
give me with those
soft and welcoming brown eyes.
Dark like pine.
Looking into them
yet being afraid that I'll
fall in too deep and the
only thing that could save me
would be
me.
how can I save my helpless self
when you make me so
vulnerable.
Feel as if you were an open book
my open book.
Every time you look into my eyes
It's almost
                  invasive.
Stealing a little piece of me
every time.
To then eventually
leaving nothing left
of me remaining but my
lovely bones ..

she said
i wish there was two of you
i told her to cross her eyes.

she walked around like that
the whole day

L ike servitude to the patriarchal figure- but
not cuz he deserves it

O verlooking his faults because there’s so much more to him than his temper

V ain, he won’t love me the same if i look too ethnic

E scape ? There is none..


i’m kidding..trust me..i like it here

i miss the best friend
i never had..

he was such a good listener.

i’m feeling more lonely
every time i see you
it’s like the butterflies start flying around
too fast and start crashing into each other
and then they morph
back into ugly fuzzy caterpillars
all weighing down in my
stomach

this isn’t right

i cried on the bus
yes i am ashamed
you left me exposed like
a half eaten apple
oxidizing
wasting away
desire to finish me depleting exponentially
you took a bite out of me
tore my flesh with the
obnoxious crunch but scar tissue is bound to develop
you savored me in that bite
lapped up my sweet juice and left me
because there’s vermin that’ll finish me off

at least i was noticed for an instant

was she ever even mine..

i don’t want to
dance if it’s not
with you.

im the flower on the other side of the garden
the one that your neighbor forgets to trim and so weeds grow around me and
soon’ll choke me out of existence
all you do is feel sorry for me from your side

never mentioning my name..

and he called her that night
needing her consolation
and she avidly listened to him
all the sniffles
every shake in his voice
his trauma,
loud enough to startle the dogs,
was evident..

and as the night went on she continued to try her best
to distract him and it worked

and off to sleep he went
leaving her with sniffles and shakes in her voice
low enough for some to here

and she stroked his head through her headphones
and tried to push away the thought of
you being someone else’s
someday ..

it’s like the scenery blurs itself out
when i see you
i underestimated your worth as i got
to know you
the crowds noise deafens
and beauty illuminates a room

i never knew you never had things figured out at this point as you thought you would
and it’s okay,
it’s more interesting-
the journey than the destination

bustling with life
and missteps to the electric slide in the center
food growing cold in trays kept on the folding tables on the side
bodies of people arising as bachata begins
and people disbanding because of their inability to sway their hips accordingly
i smirk as i pass the mirror in the stuffy catering hall

I've been writing so much recently
yet

I still feel

hollow..

i love him
         i love her
we fight sometimes
         here and there
this time it wasnt the same
i said something i knew i would regret
and that was it.
i was always giving comebacks
but i never got come backs
See i loved him
          and i loved her
but i make it difficult sometimes
          sometimes?
Okay, often, but thats because of my
scars
scars that cannot be
erased or healed
soothed or can
fade
I just know i want him back
i just dont know where to start..

now that my tears have subsided and
anger has swirled down the drown the drain during my
hot shower,
i can say that
i miss you.

not in the way that i usually do.

kindve like i feel your presence here but you seem distant.
like how we were both in a room and you were just on your phone
leaving me in an awkward position.

are we still the same kids who had long calls from the night to the morning-
going to sleep and waking up together?
are we still the same kids that brag to our friends about each other?
are we still the same kids and if not-
is that wrong?

you brought me a dead
rose and saved it till it made
a poetic mess

in my dream
i heard you
telling me a joke

i woke up at 12:33 in the morning
giggling and reminiscing

of how many others have missed out
on my prized possession

I couldnt fall asleep three days ago
so i layed down with the jacket that you gave me
at the anniversary party we both went to
where i got
"cold".
I missed you okay?
There
you have it.
i missed you
and i started giving
the collar of the jacket
kisses.
weird
i know but i had to.
I fell asleep eventually
knowing you were doing fine.

When I was thirteen and I was playing blind chicken with my 2 siblings- let me paint the scene: Ten year old Noah was chasing eight year old Lilah in hot pursuit with a blindfold- I know it sounds terrible already but it gets worse- He then of of course knocked down the hutch in my room and thousands of dollars shattered on my floor in the form of porcelain. I remember my mother cried that night. Then came the screaming. It was a combination of delirium, disbelief, and her just being plain irate. After all of it, I went to her and asked her why she got so mad it was just some "glass dolls" and then she said I could've used it to pay off college loans easier in the future by selling them rather struggle like she was doing.

this is what i want
do not dissuade me, warm land
i’m writing on one of your trees in large font
all should go according to plan..

want you to hold me as
tight as you hold on to a lie

clinging to it with coveted life
yearn for me
hold my thighs over your
shoulders like an emotional burden
ravage yourself through me
while you quench your thirst
for forbidden honeydew
while i continue to regret meeting
you.

i seek contentment in the birds and bees
for i love the warm land..

but i dream of remaining in the sea
never being saved by a caring hand

with a little tainted rain
you changed your form like
an old sacred statue and
i can’t make out your beautiful features.
or what i thought was.

maybe you were just
meant to be rained on.

maybe those conditions were what
you needed to show your
true self.

when im alone
and i have nothing to
direct my attention to
i wish i had my fill
of the things that are known to **** you.

its been a little while
that ive been clean of it

but i need it.

i get itchy
and twitchy
and thirsty
without it
my throat feels like its on fire
and the only thing that could cool my case
was another fill.

without it
i’d have these extrodinary headaches, real irritable
and i’d feel like i saw the room slowly crumbling down
and the floor would spin from beneath me
which it never did.

once i had another fill
it was as if it made my stomach full again
it felt like a three course meal
in one small compact dose.
so
so
tasty
yet terrible.
its tearing my family apart
and i know this but when my mind starts
thinking about moments like those.
where i felt really infinite.
i start to crave
for another fill.
another fill
just
one  
more
wont hurt.
at least for today..

i thought giving you the world
was enough
till i looked into your eyes
and saw you were the
              sun.
i felt lost in space without you
reaching for stars
without a spacesuit,
falling hard like a
meteor.
i felt like a tiger underwater,
a shark in the desert,
i knew i wasn’t capable of being what you wanted
but you still chose me..
i never thought my heart would beat for a stranger,
i never thought i’d see the light
through the dark tunnel,
i never thought color existed through black and white.
without you is like a snail without its shell
a snake without his venom
i feel alone but
when i’m with you
you bring sun to my night
your touch makes a cold room feel
warm and your kiss makes
the angels sing

my true love
my father
was a stressfree
person growing up
I saw the look on his
face change
we were both getting
older
and he sensed that
As I got older and started
to fit into
new clothes
He started to attract
worry lines
I never saw him like this
never
and i didnt like it either
As i got older i got more
wiser and
my meta-cognative awareness
was peaking (or so I thought at the time).
People started to notice me
while he still remains worrying
worrying that ill change
and wont be
daddys little girl
anymore

coldness
the absence of heat
so many lives lost
in such little time
needing video proof to show
it's validity
the absence of love
that manifests in our children and in
our children's children
repeating chapters in history books
blandness
the absence of flavor,
the cookie-cutter complexion-
thin but not too thin,
fair with straight hair,
but everyone wants a sprinkle of
brown sugar in they culture;
the braids, thick-lipped smiles,
the slang, the suave,
the culture is the thing to be in
this day in age but the people
aren't embraced as much as their ways are
darkness
the absence of light,
and we become greater
when we become more informed of
the ripple effect
our actions have and carrying such things out,
offering that person a seat near you,
making them feel welcome,
like they belong,
I don't want to have to be afraid if my grandpa
will be killed if he makes eye contact with the police
like Freddie Gray
or if my cousin will be killed for
walking home with a friend like Gregg Gunn
but we're here
fighting for natural rights
pleading to be treated unjustly
by those in power
fighting the same fight our great-grandparents fought
lifeless
the absence of heart
of joy, of impartiality,
we all came from a woman,
we all bleed red..

no justice..
no peace..

no tranquility..

Today
I was thinkin'
bout all the girls
and boys
that turned 'to
girlfriends and boyfriends
straight outta their
playpens bein'
frightened by their
fears of aliens and boogiemen
Today
I was ponderin'
bout that girl I saw
wanderin' and
squanderin' her life
away on him
Today i was thinking
about the ones who spend there months
chasing the moon and like floatin'
Today
I got to wonderin' 'bout
the children who were
outspoken
listened
and paid attention
to the instruction
they were given
as young ones
and grew up to be
doctors, physicians,
and firemen

ugh
its her again
the girl who walks with her head down whenever
she passes by
the girl that lets her wild and curly brown hair hang in front of her face
in her book with a fast going pen that if she were to lift her writing tool the lead would be sizzling.
she had a terrible face
a b.r.f if you will.
she always looked like she never had anything nice to say.
i wonder if she wished she was different
if she secretly loathed it.
(she did)
if she wished she could show how
happy she
possibly was.
(she did)
god if only i can see through her.
'lighten up'
theyd tell her with a little pat on the shoulder and a half smile
im trying..
shed reply in a low voice looking back into her book
i want to get rid of this side of me.
its hated by everyone i meet and i dont want to be judged by his side of me anymore..
if only i was shown how

if you’re not my partner in crime
how can i continue to fight
this illusion called life

and it’s concept of time
only trying to do what’s right
in a world
stricken with strife.

Confusion
feelings and thoughts
jumbled together
secrets kept
drama spread
wallflowers noticing
geeks studying
normal
no such thing
Everyone's trying to
fit in
but then you think
'Are they the ones for me'
like shoe shopping
some too dull
some you'd never want
to be seen in public with
some too perky
and rarely you come across
ones
you truly
fall in love with

it was an orangey-red kinda scheme in the sky
that evening
that evening that
“changed our lives for the better”
which was subjective.

you told me you didn’t cheat
but you found somebody else
that needed love and care
and more perspective in life,
one that shouldn’t be tied down..

needed to get out there and discover..

and it was you.






you found yourself and you lost me

so succulent his tender love is..
“May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth,
For your expressions of affection are better than wine.”
intoxicating

making me melt to my knees
every time you hold me..

yes
spanish mothers will always love their sons
not knowing the havoc they wreak
toward freshmen girls senses
harassing them
holding them
making them feel like
maybe it’s
supposed to feel like this..
supposed to be this way..

spanish mothers
will have a poté of arroz ready all the time for her growing boy
with a cold Malta w crushed ice at the ready.
spanish mothers
don’t believe the teachers at the conferences
about the talking and the disruptions in the class
mi niño nunca habla durante de la clase
she’s sure of it.
the teachers baffled thinking that if they told a parent
things would change.

nowhere to turn.
their sons won’t be stopped.







dun dun duuuuuuun

time heals they say

but likeee..


my clock just broke and
it just so happensss it’s gonna take
a while to fix it.

Then I’ll be able to keep on going as if
nothing happened.

mi novia del campo
tiene pelo rizado but she always stuffs
her curls in buns
and she layers her gold necklaces that have been passed through generaciones of abuelas
and she always ran en el campo
sin zapatos

comes home and cries on her bed
soaking her bata
her sweet coquito tears
making me drunk

oh how i want to make her happy
mi tesoro del campo..

Only you
had the power to
stop me
but you
never

did.

some days
my jules laughed
harder than others
and I knew she wasn't with me anymore
facing blunts more than accountability
and I watched her slip through my hands
she'd smile and it wasn't her I greeted
she became the light beam that reflects on a wall
unattainable
uncapturable
you chase it with your eyes
as it moves violently around a room
until it just dies out
and so we did

the house’s light dimmed as each room
from the outside turned off
where the bugs in the walls really came to life
to light
in the dark
the cracks airing out
absorbing moisture from
showers that run a little too hot
there’s spots now
on the ceiling
like when i’d get in trouble as a girl for blowing bubbles on the wood floor
cleanliness over kids memories
‘ but can’t they make memories
without being messy ‘
mom would chuckle as she slapped
the wet mop to the ground in the next room
as i tell her my thought process
i saw the stain on the rug in my room
it was by the hands of the previous owners
of course
and i thought of how i didn’t hurt you
you came damaged
troubled
distressed
and i caught your eye
and i to you
hollow and needed soothing
like aloe vera to the scalp
a release once more
like acupuncture to the nerve
the satisfaction like finding the perfect
last line
for a poem
i saw the stain
and fell in love with you all over again
while my sister asked why i was smiling at the rug

im melancholic
best friend of two years moved away
without a word.
got cut off by those who'd **** for me

right?
cuz why not.
we're just in the mood to break hearts
and make them cry to their mothers and
make them binge netflix and
read a whole lotta novels not settling for one
because why be sensical when
you have
heartbreakers who can relieve you of
that job.

let me love you down in
lavender sheets..

protective styles
coiled with split-end balm
mantras
skate for 20 minutes
oil to the scalp after brushing
you're so beautiful
you're understanding
and grateful
we need detaching
to remember our presence
valuing life
fluidity and it's grace
piping lemon water
it burns the lip but it's good for you
leaving **** on the back of the tongue
valuing nunchi
mindful breathing
and not letting anything rob you of your power