After an accident, people always talk about how they are “lucky to be alive.” I’ve always felt the opposite. If I were lucky I would have been stuck down by some Godly force years ago, not missed death by mere inches. So I guess I’m praying for a new kind of miracle. A cancerous, twisted metal, kind of miracle.

As much as it seems like I want to die, I’m not completely suicidal. I’ve just embraced the reality of death much too soon. And I’d rather be a free soul than trapped in some rib cage. There’s a difference between wanting to die and living apathetically.

I’m impatiently awaiting my expiration date. As it inches closer and closer I begin to lose my grip on my surroundings. I’m starting to worry that one day I’ll wake up and life will be indistinguishable from the dreams in which I fly. Fearing I may vault from the rooftops, only to come hurling downward. To become nothing more than another statistic.

I wake up and face the harsh reality that I am still living in a world without purpose and it hurts. It ******* hurts. I’m so tired of merely existing. If I can’t live to the fullest, give me death.

There will come a day when the pain will stop
And it will not be the day I die
It will come from a different source
Some place holy
Some place beautiful
Some place like the corners of your smile
Where I can hide away from my fears
And feel normal

In the Blue-green hue of your eyes
And the gentle flow of your hair between my fingers
I could stay there forever
Without worry
Or sorrow

The tap of your fingers on your pencil
Quake through my mind
Sending fissures through my heart
You’ve changed the landscape of my body
Goose bumps rise like mountains from the earth
When words fall from your lips
Into my soul

The voices in my head are quite around you,
And no one else.

But you didn’t feel the same
At first,
I thought things would be different this time
I’d be able to keep you
But I should’ve known
You were too good to be true
I’d never deserve you

You were absolute perfection
I fell for you at an accelerated velocity
It shouldn’t have happened
I had put up so many walls
Around my dying, broken heart
And you found a way in
You learned my secrets
You learned me

I told you all the ways that I had been broken
And you wanted to fix them
But all you did was reopen the cracks in my soul
I was torn to bits
My razors were no longer retired
The pills began to scream again.
You’ll never see the scars
Carving your name into my skin

I don’t want to burden you with the thoughts
That you were the cause of both
My joy
And distress
My hopes
And my relapse

You’ve changed me more than you will ever know
I almost wish we had never met
But then I would have never know true beauty
Or learned of how the sunrise
Mirrors the setting of a moon.

Looking back,
I wouldn’t change a thing
You came into my life for a reason
You may have taught me some lesson
That I have yet to realize
But I will soon understand

And for that,
I thank you.
For the pain,
The relief,
The yearning,
The realizations.

You are the worst,
Most beautiful thing,
That has ever come into my life.
You are an unknowing tormenter of my heart
You broke me,
Without even realizing it

I now hide behind the mask of a forced smile
And an insincere laugh
I put on a façade of happiness
For you
So that you will never know what you did to me

I will not taint your optimism
Know that you are a helper
And not a harmer
You have stopped the blade
More than you have ran it through my veins

You are someone that creates
Not destroys
I’m sorry for making you into a monster
And pillager of my hope.
When all I wanted
Was to make myself safe
In the corners of your smile.

Why does wanting you always have to be synonymous with not wanting myself?

It’s been days now and I still haven’t slept because my dreams are the only place you still exist.

And finding you there and not in the real world is too painful to relive each day.

But I’m getting tired now and I think I’ve found a way we can be together.

The doctor said they’d help me sleep so I’ll take them all tonight.

Soon I’ll be back in your arms without the rude awakening that morning brings.

My insides are on fire
For two reasons
I'm trying so hard to hold back the words I love you
But they keep coming back up
So I wash them back down with liquor and bleach
It eats my gut feeling that I should try again

Nothing helps anymore
I watch myself bleed apathetically
I tear an opening in my skin
And invite you back inside my heart
Instead you fight your way out
Destroying every wall I put up
I'm broken without you
Why can't you see that?
Why did I have to lose you?

I feel the second burn
As I swallow my pride
And a handful of pills
I write your name on every wall
So there is no question as to who has killed me

A constant rumble has found itself trapped in the back of your thoughts.
To you,
This is normal.

They've always been there,
The voices,
But now they're growing louder.
You can hear their words.

They can show you things.
Things no one can see
Things that aren't really there

And you listen

You follow his orders
He's the one in charge, right?

"Take the pills,
Grab the knife,
Bite the gun."

Do not question him.
The others become angry
They tell you what you really are.

"A waste,
A disappointment,
Useless."

And so you listen.
You're lead to the bathroom
Where the screams crack mirrors
And your ears will bleed.

"Taste gunpowder...
You will free them,
They will be happier."

One shot is heard.
Then a laugh.
He has won
Again.

And a new voice is heard in the crowd.

The darkness seeps back in through my neck,
It flows down along my spine,
Filling me with dread.
Drowning my soul in loathe and self-hate.
My lips gasp for air,
Screaming your name,
Begging for you to help me.

But you've long since forgotten the sound of my voice
And how it used to whisper "I love you"
All those cold nights spent talking about forever.
Yet this is how I will end.

I wasn't lying when I said I would love you for the rest of my life,
I just thought you'd still love me back.
The darkness flows over my body as I sink.
My final breath has been taken.
I release it like the cold breeze that nipped at our intertwined fingers.
Even the bubbles know how to leave me when I need them most.
They hit the surface,
I hit the bottom.

A few more seconds and I will be free.
With the courage only the dying have,
I inhale.
Flooding my lungs.
I close my eyes.
I am at rest.
The pain won't last much longer.
Then I am gone.

YOU SAW MY SCARS AND SUBCONSCIOUSLY DREAMT OF ADDING YOUR NAME