When I see you
Instincts kick in
My anxiety pulls at my stomach
And I feel my body
Put everything it has
Into a wall to keep you out.
I learned from last time:
Love is not good, love will just break you.

So I keep it out.

Throwing and hurling cemet and bricks
Constantly building and repairing
stay out
Keep them out and you can't get hurt

But you,
You are patient.
You bring your chisel and with every word
You slowly put cracks into my walls
I can't keep you out and it scares me
You knew about the walls and understood
Still you waited
Chisel in hand
And you break them

Maybe soon I will break them with you
And let you in

I had a dream last night

We were in your car
the sun was out
and it was shining.
Words were spoken but not aloud.
You looked at me
and took my hand

The first time
you squeezed too hard
and hurt me.
You looked at me
with guilt on your face.

The second time
Your fingers and my fingers
found the right spots
I felt the warmth of
your hand against mine
and I felt warmth inside me too.
And we smiled

You told me
that you didn't love her anymore
that you were sorry
that You loved me
and you knew I loved you too.
Without saying a word
but by taking my hand.

Then you left
and I awoke
to a screaming alarm clock
and to a world where
dreams
are only dreams

He’s your 2am and 2pm,
He can make you breathless;
without him trying..
He became your world.
You were trying your best to stop,
but you realized it’s too late.


I’ve been there, and it killed me.
It was the best thing that has happened
to me.
Just let it; let the love control you
and feel the pain, feel it.
Let it flow into your veins
until you bleed. Because after that
it will surely teach you how to be better.
And how to love right..

you tell me
that I never say
anything kind to you
but you
never say
anything kind to me
you left me
I tried to be happy
I tried to tell you
that you were cute together
you tried to tell me
that you were too busy
to hang out
you quit on me
for him
I asked of you wanted
to go see that band
you had plans to
watch a movie with him
I asked you
if you still needed me
you said
"I guess"

How can I say kind things
to you
you left me
we weren't supposed
to leave each other

You always said
you weren't
that kind of girl
who dressed
to objectify, not flatter
you weren't
the kind of girl
who moves too fast
and plays with boys' hearts
you told me
that nothing
would ever change
between us

Now
I cannot speak to you
without being accused
of becoming a stuck-up *****.
but tell me
when
did it become ******
to have values
and speak your mind?
When
did it become ******
to expect people to uphold their promises?

but where I really
get lost is;
When
did I lose you?

I saw you
Walk in late
And sir down with her
I remember whem
She would have been me
I saw you

I saw you
Look over your shoulder at me
And whisper
I saw you

I saw you
At the end of the night
You took her by the hand
Ducked your head
Avoided my eyes and my thoughts
And left
I saw you

I thought you were gone
I thought I was free
But you were there
I saw you

You love them
With all your heart and soul
Yet, you can't be with them
But you'll never let them go...
And it hurts...
Trust me, I know...
People... Stay strong
Someone better may come along
You're thinking..
"But, they're the one I want"
I've thought this too,
Still do...
"Unrequited Love: Life's way of saying you can do better"
But, even if you never end up together
You can still be there for each other
Sometimes, love can be one sided
Don't let that divide you
If you love someone for selfish reasons
Then you love them not at all
Cause when they don't return the love,
A true love will be there to catch them when they fall
Will care, laugh and respect every wish
Will listen after every date, hit or miss
Will wipe away the tears
And brush off the knees
Stick around through the best and worst years
Be a shoulder, when they need somewhere to lean
They may never love you back
Even when you know they should
Love's not meant to be selfish
It's about doing what's right and good

Don't leave me
Who do you think you are?
You'd be nothing without me
Don't you dare leave me
You know I'm everyone's favorite place
Why should you be any different
Sincerely,
Your comfort zone

I tell her
"try this"
it shows you care
She says
"I can't I'm too busy"
I tell her
"You have time
we will wait"
She tells me
"Shut Up"

Dear Academia;
I took the adderall
because I thought
you wanted me
to be a machine.  I didn't
understand that
amphetamine tasted
like candy once you
got used to the way
your jaw locked and your
ears rang.  Dear
academia, did you
see my face when you
read my GPA, did
you see the way I stayed
up too late after my
after school activities
trained me to live with
anxieties?  Dear academia,
why am I afraid of the mirror?
Why did you teach me how
to write a perfect paper but
never prepared me for
the look in his eye when he told
me he didn't love me either.  Dear
academia, i'm ******* and you're
swallowing me, does the sting
of your impulses feel better
when you know you're eating
my hard earned money?  
Dear academia, why
do you give me empty promises?  Why
should I spill my blood with
this diploma, list
my ethnicity and birthdate
next to the insignificance
of what you think makes me
worthy, do
these details feed your
impending due dates or
are you just getting off
to the idea that
only the educated few
know how to
think straight?  Dear
academia,
I tried my hardest
to let you fool me, I
can feel your ego fattening
beside me as I watch your
children scramble for their
ideas of monetary
gluttony.  You're increasing
our wage gaps, do my late night
tears fuel your addiction to epistemic
poverty?  Dear academia, you
taught me to think critically.   I am on fire
with the matches you forgot
you hatched within
me.  Scorpions occasionally
eat their parents and I hate
to admit that this ****
has me hungry.

The human species
Is too wrapped up
In its own existence
To recognize
That each member
Is that same as all others
Living and dead

All of them
Laugh
See
Love
Feel
Think
Breathe

So why
Do we call it war
And not self-hate?

"We accept the love we think we deserve"
you deserve better than I can give you
I deserved better then what he could give me
we accept anyway

I loved him
but he crushed me
he crushed my weak heart
the heart which I had spent so long
tying and chaining to my own chest
which i ripped away
and cried in pain as i shyly looked away
and handed it to him
He took it.
he never understood how hard it was
for me to give it to him
He took it.
He crushed it anyway
and bruised it
and mangled it
so it hurt
even when it didn't.
it hurt
to be alive
but i deserved it right?
i deserved him right?

you love me
but why I don't know
you dont see my scars
I cannot make myself show them to you
I  know you would understand
I know you would hold me when I cried
as I told you
and that's what I'm afraid of
I cant give you what you deserve
and i know it crushes you
but you never say
you hold my hand
through the torture
as I crush you
because my scars are too deep to show
you deserve to know
Why Can't I let you in?
I am afraid that I dont deserve what you're giving me
because I dont
because im crushing you

Im so sorry
Im sorry I thought I deserved him
And he broke me
I now I dont deserve you
because I'm broken

nobody want the broken toy

I sit down
I put on headphones
I think about what they meant by "rubber soul"
My soul is not rubber

Rubber repels
Rubber rejects
Nothing sticks to rubber.
Things stick to my soul
People stick to my soul
Ideas stick to my soul
Places stick to my soul
And they change it
They shape it

Maybe my soul is clay
Moldable
Flexible
Soft yet sturdy
Sticky.

Clay

If you died tomorrow
What would you want them all to know?

That you loved having to conform?
That you appreciated the need to be the same?
That you were grateful for the chance to feel self conscious about your body?

No

You would tell them that you hated them
Their words
Both said
And unsaid
You hated their eyes
Looking
Judging
Never understanding

You would tell them that you found your place on earth
That you found your heaven
A place where love was real
Where friends laughed
Where people mattered
Not for clothes, hair, status, or money
But for the sole sake of being people

You would tell them that you were happy
And they still found a way to ruin it
And you hate them for it