The Dragon's Egg

To understand my addiction
You have to know the
Back-story.

I was born in the dead of
Winter. Wednesday's child...
Full of woe. I was a preemie.
Mom fell on her stomach while
On a chair trying to change a
Lightbulb. As unpreposessing
A child as ever was born...

I won't go into my childhood
Difficulties too much, as they
Might prompt your judgment
Upon my parents. They were
Not really at fault. They did
The best they could based
Upon *their childhoods and
Limitations....

Mom was sick.
A great deal. The victim of
Horrific migraine headaches
And an undiagnosed (therefore
Untreated) bi-polar condition.
She had aspirations of being an
Actor. She really should never
Have had three children. She
Simply couldn't handle it. I was
Born only 16 months after her
Firstborn, my sister Chris. This
Definitely didn't help matters.
Then, because my little brother
Mark was born just as her
Acting career took off, she had
Much less time for my sister
And I. She had a newborn, a
Career, a husband and
Postpartum depression. Chris
And I (and eventually Mark)
Were neglected. Not really
Mom's fault. It was what
It was...

Dad was a complex man.
A hot-tempered stoic. A hard
Worker who hated manual
Labor. A war hero who also
Became a runner (he would
Become a severe
Alcoholic - an addiction he
eventually overcame).
A generous miser.
A cultured plebian.
A spiritually minded atheist.

I don't blame him. But the
Last dichotomy was our
Downfall. We were
disallowed from church. Went
To an atheist Sunday School.
We learned about all the world
Religions save Christianity.
Or maybe I missed THAT lesson.
But as a result I had no real
Moral compass to live by. My
Parents tried to teach us
Ethical behavior, but because
Jesus and the Holy Spirit weren't
A part of the equation it was
Doomed to failure. One can't
Simply be "moral" or "ethical".
Without Jesus, we are all
Rank sinners. Sorry if this
Offends some of you. But it's
TRUE. Jesus paid the price.
Only faith in Him can make
A person right with the Father.
All else is vanity. My father
Spent his lifetime trying to be
A "good" man. He tried to
Be a "good" husband. A "good"
Father. But his efforts
Always stymied by lack
Of the essential puzzle piece....

JESUS**.

Back in the old days
We saw oceans and mountains
As the total end
Peoples and lands were cut off
Over a blue plain
Until brave explorers came
And made a new way
So now, we simply travel
From land to land with
With the ease of a dolphin's stroke

So I truly hope
That one day, the cosmos will
Be as the sea is
For we too once thought
That the sea was an impase
So perhaps space flight
Will be like island hopping

Make her see
through my eyes

Make her see
the peace I'm trying to find

Make her see
further than I could ever measure

Make her see
that right now I'm blind

A true mother is always there for me
A true mother loves me unconditionally
A true mother holds my hand in the rain
A true mother can soothe my pain.

But I grew up bent and crooked
I knew from a young age
That my dad and I were different
Our family's not the same.

So where were you when I needed
A hug, a smile, a cake?
You let me go as a toddler
But what a difference did it make!

You can't trick me into forgetting you
I recognised you again
When I saw you nine years later
It's like you stepped out of my head.

Your face was still the same
Sure, your hair was different.
And I know I'm not to blame
For you deciding to be distant.

But if you'd been here earlier
When I needed your reassurance
Maybe I wouldn't be surlier
Towards those with mother's affections.

I grew up bent and crooked
I knew from a young age
That my dad and I were different
Our family's not the same.

So where were you when I needed
A hug, a smile, a cake?
You let me go as a toddler
But what a difference did it make!

What else can I do on Mother's Day
Except cry or remember you?
Do other parents split for comfort?
Do they really think things through?

I don't know what to think
When others say I'm fortunate.
I grew up with poor self-esteem
And no one to correct it.

One parent may understand something
Much better, or more accurately.
My mum can understand my body
My dad understands my personality.

I grew up bent and crooked
I knew from a young age
That my dad and I were different
Our family's not the same.

So where were you when I needed
A hug, a smile, a cake?
You let me go as a toddler
But what a difference did it make!

So my true mother is my dad
He tried to be like a mother.
And I realise because he cared for me
His gender doesn't matter.

A true mother is always there for me
A true mother loves me unconditionally
A true mother holds my hand in the rain
A true mother can soothe my pain.

Today I'll give dad a hug
And say 'thanks for caring what I think.'
I won't ******* a 'happy Mother's Day'
Or give him anything pink.

I won't pretend he's someone he isn't
He's fairly respectful of me.
I'm not a perfect daughter
And never was a girl, you see.

And before you blame who I am
On the lack of a mother
Did you choose to be one child
Or have a sister, or a brother?

I don't know what to think
When others say I'm fortunate.
I grew up with poor self-esteem
And no one to correct it.

At least I learned for other parents
Don't leave kids when they're young.
They'll learn before 5, that when someone's gone
There's nothing that can be done.